I can’t disagree with anything Father says, especially about expectations.  On the other hand, if the original mom finds herself actually ‘unhappy,’ ‘tired all the time’ (not just some of the time), and ‘hates’ her body, I have to wonder if this is post-natal depression that may need treatment.  I am sure others will weigh in more constructively than I can, as I have no immediate personal experience in the matter.

Of course we’ve all experienced this to some degree. Father has given great spiritual advice.  Here’s some practical advice:  Get your husband to help more!  I used to go to bed as soon as my husband got home from work in the evening.  He also got up at night with my extremely colicky baby to change him or just walk him back to sleep.  Then on weekends I would take off and go to the library or somewhere just to regain my sanity.  I would also sometimes hire a neighbor girl to come over and just walk the baby (who would cry if he wasn’t constantly moving) so I could get some housework done.

In a word, you have to learn to ask for help and give up some control.  It’s humbling but ultimately it kept me from going over the edge.

Father’s response is wonderful and spot on.  I can relate to this new mom - I was incredibly unhappy with motherhood the first few months - in large part because I underestimated how hard being home alone with a baby would be (I was previously working as an attorney at a law firm) and how much I disliked keeping house (I’m still learning…...).  Much of my unhappiness came from realizing, as Father wrote, that nothing was mine any more.  I had NO idea how many attachments I had (and still have!) until I became a parent! 

In addition to Father’s advice, I want to second Jennie’s thoughts about post-partum blues - even if the new mom is not experiencing full-blown post-partum depression, the range of emotional toil a new mom experiences is wide.  I regret not seeking help/understanding of these issues sooner - even though I specifically did not require medication to treat (just more exercise, sleep, etc.) - understanding these emotions helped me “get over” the guilt for not “loving” motherhood as I should, which in turn helped me pray better, seek spiritual direction and eventually begin to see the beauty in our vocation.

I would also encourage you, if you have not, to share your feelings with your husband.  Don’t view them as complaints, but tell him that you are struggling, that you want to do what is right and that you need his prayers (and help).  It sounds simple, but I know that I did not share my feelings with my husband at first, fearing that I was just selfish and that I needed to “get over it.”  The graces that come from the marriage vocation are abundant - use them!

I agree; Father has given some good spiritual advice.  My entire life, I when I did a good job at something (sports, school, work, etc), someone usually gave me some positive feedback (praise, varsity letter, report card, promotion, etc).  When I had our first baby, I finally realized that I felt like a failure because newborns don’t generally give positive feedback.  They don’t say thank you, or “yes, I was hungry” or good job.  Mine just fussed all. day. and. all. night.  No matter what I tried.  It bothered me to no end!  It really does get better in a few months.

That being said, do you know any new moms?  Could you join a mother’s group?  Meet old work friends for lunch?  Getting out of the house really helped me.  And having a screaming baby outside in the park was much better than having a screaming baby in our little apartment. 

I also agree with getting your husband to help more with the baby.  Going for a quick walk every evening (by yourself!), pumping and letting husband do a feeding through the night (mine nursed every two hours for about six months-  I was desperate for sleep!), getting family or friends to help with housework or the baby if possible all helped immensely.  Time to call in re-enforcements! 

And after trying some of these suggestions, if you still don’t feel like yourself, please contact your doctor and get evaluated for postpartum depression.  Sometimes little changes make a big difference, but if they don’t, there might be a bigger problem.

I remember when I was a new mom telling one of my friends that I thought I could do this at least as well as everyone else.    It’s hard in ways that you can’t imagine before you experience it.  However, after it was over, I also realized I had experienced post-natal depression.  I was ready for it with my second daughter, and planned to seek help, but it didn’t happen again.  Depression is sometimes hard to recognize when you are experiencing it.  I’m not saying that’s what you are experiencing, but it may be.  You are doing just the right thing in asking for help!

Amen!

I relate to your feelings 100%.  I remember a terrible afternoon when my first son was a few weeks old.  I was home alone with him, he wouldn’t stop crying, I had no idea how to fix it, and I felt like an epic failure (one with a painful incision, topsy-turvy hormones, and no rest to boot). My husband came home from work and promptly sent me out to a local cafe to relax for an hour or so on my own.  It saved my sanity.  Definitely ask for help.  Find a way to get out of the house on your own if you need to.  Even half an hour away is huge.

I’m by nature an introvert, and I’ve always gotten energy and happiness by spending periods of time on my own.  Motherhood—especially in that newborn stage—means that there is someone else with you nearly constantly.  That was a HUGE adjustment for me.  When I realized that I can only stay sane with occasional “me time,” I had no qualms about asking for it.  Don’t feel guilty.  Take care of yourself, too.  That’s one of the best ways you can help your baby and your family.

I completely relate to this Mom!  For me the problem ended up being not my expectations or ppd (post partum depression), but that I was severly sleep deprived.  I was so exhausted that how I felt and acted looked like ppd but fortunately all I needed to do was get more sleep.  We got our daughter to take a bottle and I pumped some every day so that he could handle at least one of the night feedings.  I also asked for help from the people who were always offering to help:  mom, parishioners, mil, friends…  They’d play with the kids and maybe do a little housework while I napped.  It wasn’t long before I began to feel like a good mom and delighted in my daughter.

In case you have these feelings, too, I just wanted to add that you may feel guilty if you leave the home to “take care of yourself.”  I suffer with this a lot.  I almost feel worse when I get out to run errands, sip a tea/coffee, or even read while I nurse.  I can have overwhelming feelings of guilt/anxiety because I can’t “be present” or I need rejuvenating.  Shouldn’t I be able to handle this?  Isn’t this what I wanted?  All of these thoughts/feelings can be overwhelming and leave you feeling worse or even doing more to prove to yourself that you can do it.  Altogether this is a never ending vicious circle.  I would encourage you to find a network of friends you can confide in, call in a pinch, maybe seek counseling/therapy, spiritual direction, definitely pray, and talk to your doctor.  There is help and you can feel normal again or at least get the help you need without feeling guilty about needing it.  Hope that helps!  I’m right there.  My baby is the 7th of 7 and is 6 mos. old.  All those feelings come back for me no matter if it’s the 1st or 7th.  Spiritual warfare is very much alive in this world.  It will keep you from getting the help you need and feeling good about it!

I agree with what Father says in this article.  I also want to say that PPD (post partum depression) is real and having to take medication and seek counselling for it is OK.  With baby #2, I eventually sought help.  Finally when he was 6 months old, I could function again and care for myself, my marriage and my 2 kids.  We are now expecting baby #3 and I’m not ashamed that I’m going to start medication before the baby is born.  Hopefully this will help and I can not miss out on six months of everyone’s lives.

“The body claims its due.”
My incredibly wise and understanding husband is kind enough to tell me this when I start beating myself up for being a “rotten mother.”
His meaning is:  we are flesh and blood, physical beings.  Even when we are intent on lifting our eyes to spiritual goals in our vocations, we cannot escape the physical reality of things like sleep deprivation.

Putting all other goals on hold and making sleep the #1 priority for a few weeks can really make a differnce.  God bless all mommies!

Based on what you write I don’t think your experience is that out of the ordinary or due to a lack of value of motherhod in society or a lack of spirituality on your part.  Your body as gone through huge hormonal and physical changes and you are not getting adequate sleep.  It is very hard for most moms to rise above that and unless someone has been thru it I don’t think they can understand.  Time will pass, you will feel better, your baby will sleep more.  Getting adequate sleep alone will enable you to think and feel better about everything.  Prayer is essential and let God know exactly where you are at—He is right there with you in all those sleep deprived hours in the middle of the night.

I agree, it is also important to consider the possiblity of post-partum depression but again sleep deprivation can cause that all by itself.

You are smart for articulating your feelings and seeking counsel.  You don’t say what kind of birth experience you had.  I’ve had all different kinds and it definitely makes a difference in the postpartum experience, for better or for worse.  If you are blessed with another child, you may want to investigate natural options.  A La Leche League leader or a lactation consultant can be a lifesaver if nursing is a challenge for you.  God bless you.  I hope you have some other new mom friends.

Ask for help. Even Christ needed help carrying his cross so it’s ok to need help.
Also because caring for children is so much work we mother’s need to really make an effort to focus on the joy. Notice the sweet baby smell, enjoy the precious moments when the baby is playful, etc. Relationships with people are so important but they are all a lot of work. If we don’t make an effort to focus on the beauty we will get stuck in the day to day grunge and lose our love.

Good advice, Beth.  When I was whacked out like this mom it was due to one thing:  sleep deprivation.  As soon as I started getting sleep my attitude completely changed. This is probably the main problem with a lot of women in combination with hormonal changes.

Yes it is often the problem and I pray the whenever these women step into the confessional and lament what a terrible mother and sinner they are that their penance to figure out a way to get adequate sleep.  Although maybe that is impossible in some situations with babies needing their moms and women who feel strongly about not supplementing.  Then maybe you could find someway to get a nap in—becuase a mom who has been up all night with a baby is going to have a difficult time being patient with other little ones during the day.