A New Mother Flounders
Posted by AGroup in Faith on Thursday, September 02, 2010 10:00 AM
Q: I am a new mom and, as much as I looked forward to motherhood, I must admit that I am floundering. I feel tired all the time, I hate my new body, and even though I love my new son, I find him very hard to appreciate most of the time—especially when he keeps me up all hours of the night.
I find myself resenting my husband (who honestly is very helpful and supportive) because he works a job outside of the home and gets to sleep regular hours. Everyone keeps telling me that this will get easier as time passes, but do you have any suggestions for right now? I just never expected to be this unhappy and disappointed as a mom.
A: You hit the nail right on the head: it’s about expectations. Being a mom and building up a healthy family is hard work. Most faithful moms will tell you that it is worth it, that the rewards do come. But still, that doesn’t take away the discomfort and suffering that such faithfulness requires.
For some reason, you didn’t expect that. Most likely, it’s at least partly because our post-Christian society places so little value on motherhood. Popular culture presents a cardboard cut-out view of motherhood. And now you are faced with a reality that is radically different. I cannot offer you a quick fix, but I will gladly offer a spiritual perspective that, I hope, can help you get over this hump.
Having children involves a spiritual earthquake. Through making you a parent, God invites you to do something today’s society never really invites you to do: take the focus off yourself. As a mom, nothing belongs just to you anymore – not time, not space, not even your body, as you mentioned. You are now inextricably at the service of a new human being, who in turn is wholly dependent on you. Nothing could be further from the individualistic ethos that goes so deep in American culture, and even deeper in today’s secular America.
And so, you find yourself at a crossroads: You can choose simply to endure the burden of motherhood, or you can choose to embrace it. If you choose to embrace it, you will set yourself on Christ’s own path: “No one can have greater love than to lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). I would encourage you to embrace it, because embracing the cross – the path of self-forgetful love – is the road to true happiness: “There is more happiness in giving than in Receiving” (Acts 20:35).
I am sure our readers will have some tactics to help you pick up and carry this cross, but I would like to start by mentioning three.
Practical Tactics
First, keep treading the path of honesty. One of the most beautiful aspects of your question is its honesty. It’s no use pretending that the new and uncomfortable challenges of motherhood don’t exist.
Continue looking reality in the face. But look at the whole of reality: not only the pains, but also the promises. Jesus has given you the vocation to be a wife and mother because that’s how he will draw you into his heart, where you will discover the flowing fountains of wisdom, interior joy, spiritual freedom, and other treasures he wants to give you.
You know without any doubt what God’s will is for you, and courageously striving to carry it out is your path to fulfillment: “I have come so that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).
Second, strategize with your husband so that you can get some alone time to do what you need to rejuvenate, whether that means regular exercise or a trip to a café to read. As human beings, even moms need to recharge.
Third, don’t do this alone. Involve Jesus in your journey. Involve Mary in your journey. Use this new menagerie of challenges as an excuse, if you will, to take your faith to another level.
In moments of sorrow and frustration, complain to the Lord and ask him to guide you. In moments of confusion, seek guidance from trustworthy sources and the wisdom of the Church. Above all, I would recommend that, if you don’t do so already, you try to bring Christian meditation into your life. This type of prayer will give the Holy Spirit more room to instruct and guide you as carry this heavy burden.
If you aren’t familiar with Christian meditation, I can recommend this resource or these blog posts. Only by getting to know Christ better through this kind of prayer will you find meaning in the midst of your suffering.
Your struggles are not unknown to God; they are his voice inviting you to learn to give of yourself more deeply than ever before, and to depend on God’s grace more wholly. And that’s what life is all about:
Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest.
Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light.
(Matthew 11:28-30)
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