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Email a FriendWhen my older brother left for college my parents instituted “Sunday Check-In”. Sometime on Sunday he was expected to talk on the phone with my parents. I know it seems like only talking once per week is crazy when you’re used to seeing him every day but it’s a minimum and guarantees both parties set aside some time. My sister and I followed suit when we left home and now it’s a bit of a joke but we do all talk to Mom and Dad sometime every weekend. Of course as talkative girls my sister and I often talk to Mom many times per week but setting that up for my brother who tends to be less communicative was good for everyone. Clear expectations always help. Lisa, I’m sure you’ve thought of something like this but I just wanted to share because it worked so well in my family.
Are you a Nag?
Posted by Lisa Hendey in Marriage on Tuesday, August 31, 2010 9:39 PM
Last night, Greg and I had a long conversation about our communication (or lack thereof) with the kid we dropped off at college last week. I was sharing with him that I will miss my conversations with Eric, since the communication we’re getting these days seems to come in quick bits, texts and when he needs something. Greg wisely counseled me to be patient, but most of all not to waste any precious phone time on nagging right now—that seems to be a quick way to ensure that he will call even less frequently.
I was still mulling over my wise husband’s words when I saw today’s tip from the USCCB’s For Your Marriage website:
“Do not use harmful words, but only helpful words.” (Ephesians 4:29) Do you swear? Are there hurtful words that you know bother your spouse? For one day make a conscious effort to watch your words.
The daily tip seemed like a reinforcement of last night’s message. Watch your mouth, Lisa. I’m certainly not one to swear, but I have been known to ask, “Have you brushed your teeth?” repeatedly or to inquire about bedtimes and the like to a man who’s old enough to vote. I took the Ephesians’ verse to heart and have been reflecting all day on how I can use “helpful” words without being a nag.
Do you have a problem with nagging your spouse or children? Are you cognizant of the helpful and hurtful effects your words can have around your home? If you’re a recovering nag, what words of wisdom can you share with a mom who needs to “take it down a notch”?
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Thanks for sharing your family’s experience. We have discussed a similar plan which will give me another reason to savor Sundays!
I nag my kids, and they are grown. It’s not as bad as it was when they went off to college and I think your husband’s words would have been helpful in my ear. Yet, we do what we know and I come from a family where nagging was, and is, the norm. I learned and am learning the lesson that a lot of the time, the nagging is my way of trying to have it MY way and with my kids, it is because I was THE FATHER. How foolish. We all only have one Father, Who is in heaven. Fortunately, HE whispered in my ear and granted me the ability to hear over time so that all is better than before. Blessings upon you and your family.
Same! I am going to try very hard today to keep that Ephesians quote in mind. And then again, tomorrow. And so on.
I like the “Sunday check-in” idea.
I don’t nag. I was really nagged a lot as a child and young adult, and hated it. When I married, I made a conscious decision that I would not nag, but negotiate. With my small kids, I’m strict that they don’t nag me and I don’t have to nag them—if I have to tell them something more than twice, they’re being disobedient and have consequences.
Being nagged put terrible resentment & buried anger in me. I’m not exaggerating when I say for years I hated the ringing phone and the sound of my mother’s voice. When my little kids started to nag, I just exploded in anger—repressed anger getting free at last. I put a lot of work into forgiveness and healing. I’m not saying everyone responds that way, but certainly my mother had no idea how much harm she did, or why I didn’t/don’t call.
One thing I do that annoys my eldest, who is in second grade, is to ask him a billion questions when he gets home from school, along with the notorious “How was school today??!” The one question no child wants to hear LOL.
I am going to try to just be quiet and calm this upcoming school year, and project an air of relaxed confidence. To try to just read his mood and how his day went by letting him talk (or not) and trust that he will come to me with anything that is bothering him or his behavior will let us know there is something we need to inquire about.
I was verbose in filling in my mother after school and expected that of my son when he was young. I quickly learned to wait for him to open up - invariably when I was getting supper ready or at bedtime. Even now, at 19, he opens up the floodgates of good sharing at unexpected times and I seize those opportunities.
Good post and good comments! I think as a mother/wife it is so difficult not to nag because sometimes it feels like that is the only way things get done!
I really enjoyed Stormie O’Martian’s ‘The Power of a Praying Wife’. I believe she is Pentacostal maybe, no not Catholic, but she offers some really great prayers for your husband. There is also a version about praying for your children. She talks about giving it up to God instead of nagging. I try to remember that, but it is an ongoing challenge!
One idea to alleviate the desire to know EVERYTHING about your child’s day as soon as they walk in the door came from a friend of mine: a 10 question survey that takes the kids 30 seconds to complete while they’re eating their snack. It asks questions that require simple responsse such as: “On a scale from 1-10 my day was a ____”; “____ (teacher name) did an awesome job today”; “____ (subject) was my favorite”; “I was ______ (emotion) today during _____ (class/event)”; “I saw God in my life today when _____________” ... you can create your own simple questions. They simply fill this out and put it to the side each day ... this gives you an opportunity to read it at your leisure and ask questions about it at dinner or some other time when its a good time. Its also something my husband always looks forward to reading when he gets home b/c he feels like he gets a glimpse of their day.
Several years back I watched a documentary on progress made with autistic children. An impressive segment was about the positive impact of nagging! They experimented with the aids of these children sitting by their side nagging as the child performed the task, and the children performed better plus eventually were conditioned to be able to repeat the task. So don’t feel too bad about nagging! As the Bible teaches, it is how we go about life that matters; doing so with love. :>)
One really needs to distinguish between necessary repetition for young children or ADD children, etc. and repetition for an adult of 18. Somewhere in the middle we start to pull back from repetition as a teaching device and attach consequences to disobedience. If I have to ask my upper elementary age children to do something more than once there is a punishment. Then we let go of expecting obedience from our adult children.
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