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Email a FriendYes, we’ve changed lanes in our schooling history. We started our oldest two at our parochial school for preschool and intended upon remaining there for elementary as well. Our second child wasn’t doing well at the preschool, and against the advice of her teacher, we enrolled her in kindergarten there. It was a full on disaster and we ended up transferring her to our local public school. There she was able to receive the help that she so desperately needed.
Long story short, we ended up being so impressed by the public school that we transferred our oldest to the school (he was in 3rd grade) and our remaining children have gone through the public school system in our town as well. Now our oldest is at a private all boys Catholic high school, so we’ve switched routes again!
My motto is never say never because you never know what the future will bring!
Changing Lanes
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Family on Thursday, November 17, 2011 9:00 AM
As we’ve started kindergarten with our oldest child this year, I’ve blogged twice already about our decision-making process: “When to Begin” and “Where It Happens.” Since we’ve had some new developments recently, I thought I’d continue the series.
From the introduction to the previous posts:
This is a sporadic series, not meant to defend or criticize any particular schooling decision. Rather, I want to explore the decision-making process, write about our reasoning and choices, and give you a chance to share your own stories. Over my years of blogging I’ve been continually enriched by the insights that members of the community have to offer - hopefully blogging about the school choice process will give us all a chance to do that!*
I’ve been homeschooling Camilla for a couple months now, and it’s been fine. The curriculum for kindergarten is not demanding. We can complete her school work in less than an hour each day. There are no big obstacles: her attention span is good, my teaching style works with her learning style, and neither of us gets frustrated more than once in a long while.
For us, there a couple key benefits to homeschooling. For one, we’re not tied to a schedule, which gives us flexibility in planning family trips and activities. Our day-to-day life is relaxed; the single day each week when we have to get Camilla to and from her Atrium class is definitely my most stressful, so I appreciate this. And of course, Camilla is very happy and comfortable at home and has historically had a lot of trouble being away from us, which was the main reason we made the homeschooling decision in the first place.
But as we move through the school year, I’m discovering some of the downsides of homeschooling. Or, rather, I’m discovering that it doesn’t seem to be a particularly good fit for me, at least at this point in our lives.
Camilla is curious and enthusiastic, and she wants to learn more and do more than I have time or energy for. I’m good for the bare minimum, and that’s about it. I know this is partly a function of the craziness of life with baby twins, but I think much of it is also my own personality. I’m not a natural teacher, and when I think of what homeschooling could be in the future years for our family, with various curriculums and the chance to create at-home learning opportunities for our kids, I don’t feel excited. I feel tired.
Bryan and I committed at the beginning to giving each child what we believe she or he needs each year, including educating them at home if that’s the right thing. It is right for Camilla this year, and I’ll happily do it in the future if it’s necessary, but it’s only taken a few short months to show me that for our family, full-time homeschooling everyone is not the answer. I don’t know what the picture will look like in five years, but that’s the reality now.
Fortunately, Camilla’s growing more comfortable being away from home. She loves going to Atrium now, and recently I dropped her at a friend’s house for the morning and she ran inside without hesitation - something that would never have happened even six months ago. We’ve talked with her about the possibility of school next year and she likes the idea; I think she actually gets bored at home when Blaise is napping and I’m twin-tending.
Also fortunately, we have the means to send her to private school and we have some very good Catholic school options in the area. This past Sunday we took her to tour one of them, which owned by a wonderful order of Dominican sisters, and she loved it almost as much as we did. We have more schools in the area to research and more praying (and budgeting!) to do before we make a decision, but we’ve sent in an application to send Camilla there for first grade next fall.
As I said to my husband when we were talking it over last night: it is such a gift to have options! And while it’s a lot of responsibility, it’s also fun to discover our family’s personality, the things that work for us. We’re changing lanes on the schooling. Who knows where the coming years will take us?
Have you “changed lanes” in your family’s schooling journey? What were your decision-making factors? How did it work out for you? Share your stories!
*Fair (and hopefully unnecessary) warning: In the interests of making this a constructive conversation, I will be deleting any comments I see as destructive or needlessly critical of other choices, even if they are politely stated. This will be completely at my discretion. I want to preserve this as a “safe” space where we can share without having to defend. There are plenty of places online where you can debate the “right” and “wrong” of school-related choices; this series just doesn’t happen to be one of them. Thank you in advance for your consideration!
Comments
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Thank you, Arwen. Yes, we’ve changed lanes and are receiving a surprising amount of flak from both sides! We’ve been homeschooling our eldest (and the younger ones as they come along) from the beginning, and last year was a real struggle for all of us. The eldest was in 5th grade, and the amount of work (for me!) involved in preparing and monitoring his school week was almost overwhelming. I can fly by the seat of my pants with the little ones- phonics, simple math- but with the older child, I really felt he deserved more structured learning. How could I assign him serious reading and evaluate his writing if I hadn’t read and analyzed the literature myself? How could I expect him to essentially teach himself Latin from a DVD? Add to this the fact that he naturally struggles with self-motivation and focus and gets easily angered when things are difficult for him, and I felt like my day was spent nagging him to sit down, do his work, sit down, do his work, without ever really having the time to sit down and help him along the way. What was happening in the end is that his three younger siblings were getting the shaft- I was pushing them out of the way to work with the oldest because their school seemed “easy” or because the littlest two play so well together that it was simplest to tell them to go play. I could see my younger ones missing out from my attention (and from learning themselves), and it wasn’t fair to them, either.
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So we sent the eldest to school this year while still homeschooling the rest, at least for the time being- and honestly, I have mixed feelings. The family dynamic at home is so much better: l have a much less adversarial relationship with my boy, and he has really stepped up with responsibility for his own work. He doesn’t fight the teacher like he did me when things are difficult, he raises his hand and asks for help because he’s embarrassed to have a fit in front of his friends. He enjoys school, and we’re blessed to have a good Catholic school in the area. On the downside, although this is considered a strong academic school, he’s bored. With the exception of math, he’s covering material he did last year or the year before even, and he isn’t being challenged to write in the way I would have hoped. We supplement at home with foreign languages still, and our evenings are now a lot more hectic, with doing homework and after-school activities, and he doesn’t get to see or play with his younger siblings nearly as much, so I worry about how their relationships will develop.
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I guess what I’m saying is that I wish I could totally custom-fit the educational experience for my kids, but there’s no perfect situation, and we do the best we can given our circumstances at the moment. I used to be rather smug in my view of homeschooling and dismissed those who said they could never do it because they would never get along with their kids all day and their kids wouldn’t take instruction from them. I viewed that as an excuse for poor parenting or bad discipline, and I regret that attitude now that I see it applied by me to some of my acquaintances!
I have been a parochial school parent since my oldest was in K. While I maintain an interest in homeschooling since my oldest was diagnosed ADHD, I have also always worked full time outside the home and it was not right for us. My son had wonderful teachers who worked with him and us. He’s now in an all-boys parochial high school.
My second son has some social difficulties. We moved between his first grade and second grade year. While the new school was great for the older boy in 7th and 8th grade, the younger did not fit in and wore out his welcome. We ended up switching him to the local (highly-rated) public school where he has done better with a larger crowd of classmates to spread his personality across and a resident counselor. While I miss aspects of the catholic school, he is happier and also happily attends Religious education classes Sunday evenings. He is still struggling but he does not have a principal telling me she doesn’t know what to do with him but send him home. We are planning to send him to a Catholic high school in a few years as long as I can maintain continuous employment. But the younger would be able to hold his own in the large public high school where the older would have been totally lost since he requires a little more guidance. It is all about what works best for the family and the individual child.
We switched lanes! Our beloved parochial school closed this past June. My school-aged girls were devastated. We looked into other Catholic schools but the closest one is 20 minutes away. Having two other small children and no busing option, I could just imagine - 20 minutes there and 20 minutes home in the morning, then another 20 minutes there and another 20 minutes home in the afternoon - and hopefully they wouldn’t have to go back for extracurricular activities in the evenings because that would add another 40 minutes in the car! What was my gasoline bill going to look like?!? So we investigated the small public school around the corner from my house. Both girls decided that they would like to try it and so they did. So far, so good! The stress of getting all four kids ready in the morning is gone because they are able to walk to school (and now I am pg again anyways so I’m extra happy about missing the morning craziness!). My older dd (5th grade) has blossomed - she’s involved in many extracurricular opportunities that just weren’t available at our previous school (kayaking, badminton, band). My younger dd (3rd grade) has shown a real aptitude for the violin and will be taking private lessons in addition to those she takes at school (which would not have been possible if I were paying tuition). I’ll be honest - in our situation, I have found the academics to be a little less rigorous at the public school than the Catholic one, but that is actually a better fit for my easily stressed out 10 yr old. She went from getting C’s, D’s and F’s on her spelling tests to getting straight A’s - a real confidence booster! My 8 yr old has been a bit bored academically but she will be starting their Gifted & Talented program over the next month for additional stimulation. All in all, our family life is better because we are less stressed about time, money, etc. The girls have gained a sense of independence walking themselves to and from school. We’ve discovered talents we never knew they had and we have connected more with our community. In the past, we would attend community events and feel lucky to know one or two other families. Now my girls are running around chatting with their friends. We feel more a part of things. Who knows what the future holds? I don’t see them attending the local public high school because it is very weak, but there are several Catholic high schools and an outstanding vocational-technical high school where they could earn their associate’s degree while getting their high school diploma or study the arts (like the violin). We just keep an open mind.
I had the same reaction as you (and I live in NJ too!) that the public school was less academically challenging than the parochial school, at least on the elementary level. However, l liked the atmosphere of relaxed learning. I was one of those children that was very nervous about going to school, especially during the few years that I had some strict nuns. I often wonder if it is good for children to be frightened of their school environment. Where does that mode of education come from? It seems so counterproductive. My children all love going to school, even my high schooler. So I think that the public schools exceeded on that level.
We just changed lanes this year! Our kids have all gone through our local catholic school system. We have been blessed with wonderful teachers and great academics. This year my junior in high school switched over to the public school. He needed some different class options that weren’t offered at the catholic high school. Also his class was really a tough group of kids…mostly immature behavior (however for a fact there are drug/alcohol issues as well). My son never really fit in there and he was open and more than willing to try something else. Now I wish we had listened when a few years back he started asking to switch. He is thriving at the public high school. He is taking some college credit classes and knocking them out of the park. He is so happy! God has answered our prayers!
Surprisingly we have gotten quite a bit of flack for leaving the Catholic school system. I think there is a real negative perception of the public schools from those in the catholic system. As our kids get older we can say that we have seen good and bad EVERYWHERE. Ultimately you have to do what is best for your particular child. I am much more open to others decisions now that I have been through the gut wrenching decision making process ourselves. We all want the best for our kids.
I am constantly humbled by parenting. And that is a good thing.
Our story sounds just like yours! Except without the baby twins part 
We homeschooled our son for his preschool years (although we did kindergarten curriculum) and it was great! He was easy to teach, we didn’t argue or have any problems, but we enrolled him in our Catholic school for kindergarten. He’s still there and thriving! The decision to homeschool or send him to school was difficult. Ultimately, he’s a huge extrovert and needed way more interaction than I was able to give him. We also suffered secondary infertility so he was an only child until he was almost 8. Now he is blessed with a baby brother and another on the way! And he’s thriving at school. But I admit that this decision will be difficult again for the younger boys, since I think the decision to school at home or away is different for each child. So we’ll probably be switching lanes the rest of our children’s lives!
Thank you for this article! It has given me a boost of confidence as we begin looking into schools for our children. One of the concerns I have about homeschooling is the “what if I don’t like it?” or “What if my kids don’t like it?” It is so refreshing to see other mothers’ perspectives, and to see that you can change lanes if something isn’t working for you. Sometimes I feel that school choices, regardless of which one, is a “point of no return” and you’re stuck with the initial choice. It is great to see real-life examples when that is not the case. Thanks again!
We have similar stories also . . . we sent our oldest to a a parochial school for K, and, while she did well academically, she struggled with leaving me every day. Meanwhile I had our 3rd son in under 2.5 years. It was too much packing up 3 babies to take one reluctant 6 year old to a mediocre school each day, so after much prayer and research we decided to homeschool for 1st grade. It was much easier and everyone was happy. We moved soon after, and I continued to homeschool. But, by her 3rd grade year I realized it wasn’t working for me or for her. I was ignoring my (then) 4 other children to teach her and honestly, she needed a bigger pond. (me too!) I also started seeing the potential downside to homeschooling - many homeschooling friends and acquaintances’ children were behind academically and that made me nervous. (btw - some eventually “caught” up.) We were unable to get into any of the local Catholic schools so we put her in the public school down the street. I was so NERVOUS. I went to all Catholic schools growing up and after home schooling I felt like I was possibly sending her into the pit of hell 
I lol now, but I was seriously afraid. Turns out the families, teachers, administration were lovely and our daughter grew tremendously. I even started a “Little Flowers” club with her friends. We live in a nationally recognized top rated district and the academics were truly excellent. SHe stayed there until 5th grade. Meanwhile, we finally were accepted into our parish school. We switched our oldest to the parish school (she’d have to switch schools anyway for 6th grade) where her younger 3 siblings attend. Our parish school is excellent. Not perfect - but really good - mostly because they are “competing” with an awesome public school system. I prefer the smaller school and I have found jr. high in our parish school to be more wholesome than our local jr high—but if we had to switch back to public I would be very okay. We are considering switching one of our sons to the public “academically talented” program ( for the top 1-2% of students). Our lovely parish school is not really equipped to handle my freaky smart son . . . but we’re still discerning. God bless you all!
I’ve probably posted on this series before that my son is currently in preschool, but we are seriously discerning homeschooling in the future. I am so on the fence about this. He is an only child, so I want to at least give public school a chance (private or Catholic school is not financially an option for us). We live in a good school district, and since our elementary school has a half-day kindergarten, I figured that would be a good place to “get my feet wet” and see how I like public school. But, I have joined a local Catholic homeschool group in which there are some families with only children, so it’s tempting to go that route too. I am really grateful for this series, because it’s great to come to a place where I can read about people’s experiences in a non-judgmental format. The fact that so many people have done a combined approach seems to help to reduce the tendency for the discussion to become critical in either direction.
Claire, I occasionally post about the great “only” children I know. One is a young home schooled girl, age 9. She plays happily with boys and girls of all ages, and she’s a really nice kid. Very well rounded. We just saw her yesterday at a Catholic home school event, and she was one of the most confident, exhuberant kids there. I’m not saying you should, or should not, home school. There are advantages to every choice. I’m only saying that I would nor rule it out based on having an only child.
We changed lanes too! I homeschooled my son until 4th grade. it went well at first, but more and more babies came along and I had a breakdown one May. It was hard for me because I tend to do the minimum requirement necessary and I am not a crafty or hands-on type of person. My son has a very similar personality and we just weren’t doing what we needed to get done.
When I broke down, I had him in 4th, a dd in 1st, another dd in K, a preschool ds, and two babies. We checked out a Catholic school that was just wonderful. Our parish and the school’s parish helped us out tremendously with tuition. We are in year 3 and I couldn’t be happier. High school is looming in and the Catholic school are very expensive $12,000+, so I’m not sure what we will do then. But I totally subscribe to the idea ‘never say never’. Life changes and plans change. It is much easier to accept those changes when you can roll with it.
Almost all the Catholic families I know that homeschool have done regular school at some point with at least one child and sometimes all of them. Some started with school and took them out to homeschool. Some started with homeschooling but the mom developed health problems or needed to go to work and so put the kids in school. Still others have some kids at home and some kids in regular school. I only know of a couple families that did nothing but homeschool all of their children from K until high school graduation. So switching lanes is really the norm if you ask me. I started my kids in school, took them out early on and may put them back in for high school. Always keep an open mind and remain flexible. Also keep in mind THERE IS NO PERFECT SYSTEM and no matter what you choose there are going to be some difficulties and drawbacks.
We changed lanes a little differently than most who have commented here so far. When our daughter was in K and our older son in grade 4, we moved her from one Catholic school to another (across town) because of a situation that was confined to her class. Basically, the teacher was absent long-term due to caregiving for a terminally ill parent, and the principal made no arrangements for substitute teachers, instead leaving the children to be babysat by whatever adult was free for the next 30 minutes. That went on for a full month before we pulled the plug on the situation. Our son stayed in the school until June, and the next year he started 5th grade in the school where his sister was.
When I had my exit interview with the principal, she didn’t seem to get what the problem was…“It’s just kindergarten. It’s not like we’re getting them ready for Harvard.” (Once she said that, we knew that we were better off having the kids out of any school she ran!)
It was difficult to do, especially given the “crosstown rivalry” stuff that is part and parcel of having competing schools across town. Of course, it was more awkward for the older child and the adults than it was for a 6-year-old because at that age, kids are just happy to make more new friends. And this also involved a change in parishes for us. We don’t regret the lane change, though—it was very necessary at the time.
How wonderful that you can be so honest about what is working and what is not working for you. As the primary educators of our children, we cab only be effective when we are able and available to do so. I know for me, I use the time my children are at school to get things in order so when they are home I can be available for homework help and to spend time with them. A year by year approach is also SO smart. Good luck!
We live in a fairly large city and the public elementary and high schools are not very academically good and the environment of the schools is also not very conducive to learning. I considered myself very fortunate to go the both Catholic elementary and high school so I could learn and not be in an environment where I would be more concerned with getting through each day without being beat up etc. I too wonder how we are going to be able to pay $10,000 plus per child for going to the Catholic high school. Homeschooling is not an option nor do I think it is for me. I hope this is not too much off topic but do any of you think the size of the city or town makes a difference in how good the acadmics or learning environments are?
It seems to me that, in general, the higher the property taxes the better the schools. Our Chicago area town has 150,0000+ residents and our taxes are on the high side. The schools are good, but we pay for them through our high taxes. Also, I live in a town that is known for being family friendly and having excellent schools, and libraries, park district, sports programs etc. so many like minded people move her which in turns helps keep the school good, crime down, etc.
I think it might be a city vs suburb thing, too. In my area there are three small cities in a very close radius. They all have high taxes and the schools aren’t that great. I live in a suburb within a 10-15 minute drive of each of these three cities, and my taxes are low but the schools are great.
Last year when I found out in August that #8 was on the way, I chose to put three of my kids in catholic school after 7 years of homeschooling. I lay awake at night anguishing over the decision. Truely anguishing. To make a long story short, it was a wonderful decision. I had been VERY negative about the school after hearing several stories about teachers that really concerned me (wild partying, etc). I chose to send the PreK, K, and 2nd graders to school and keep the older ones home. It was very humbling for me to admit that I simply could not keep up with 5 in homeschool, 2 littles, and pregnant. My three are thriving at school and have learned so much about their faith. I was very arrogant to think that no one was going to teach it as well as I….. My 6th, 9th, and 10th graders are still at home because I feel that the concerns I have about the environment are much worse for them in the older grades. We have no Catholic high school at all. One thing that has helped me tremendously is enrolling them in some of the more challenging classes with Regina Coeli (http://www.reginacoeli.org) and St Joseph high school (http://www.sjcpinebluff.com). They have made wonderful catholic friends from all over the world and have even met up with them at the March for Life in DC and the NCYC conference that is going on right now. The online classes have given them flexibility to pursue their hobbies and it is far less expensive than a catholic high school (which is not an option here anyway).
All I have to say is that women love to burden each other with their prideful attitudes. The decision must be met with a sincere attitude of prayer and humility, being open to the will of God. Sometimes God will ask us to do what we think we are incapable of doing. “In my weakness He is strong”. But he also may be asking us to humble ourselves and never say never!
Parenting will never be easy. It is always a parent’s first priority to educate their children. No matter where they are in school, they will thrive where God wants them!
I’m in similar shoes as you Arwen, although it seems that our daughters have different personalities! We have four young children and are homeschooling our oldest child, a daughter, in Kindergarten and our 2nd child in preschool this year. We all do a little preschool activity for about 45 mins and then my kindergartener and I do about an hour of work on our own.
I, too, love some of the aspects of homeschooling. I love not having to lug all of my little guys to do a school drop-off, back home again and then do the whole routine again for school pick-up in the afternoon. I love not being tied to a time schedule and rushing around to get to a school. I also really enjoy that all of my kids have lots of time to play and learn together during our days at home together. And I like that after our schoolwork is done for the day, it’s done. I hear so many stories from parents who send their kids to school that it’s really hard to help/force them to get the work done plus sit down as a family for dinner plus an extracirricular activity some evenings plus a nice bedtime routine. I also hear that sitting down and doing homework with a child close to the dinner hour with younger siblings running around is really stressful!
That said, I’m not sure that I am the teacher-type. I am very introverted and, with schoolwork added to my day, I don’t get one minute to myself. That’s really hard for me to deal with every day. I am not the most patient person and am not at all crafty - much to my daughter’s chagrin. My daughter is very extroverted and fun-loving. She’d rather be anywhere doing anything other than formal learning (even if it includes using manipulatives). She is very easily distracted even though we do sit-down-school subjects when all but one of her brothers is napping. She and I really do clash frequently during her schoolwork time. And I feel so badly about it. Everyone tells me that Kindergarten is supposed to be so much fun and so carefree, but honestly, I don’t get it! We DO do fun things and we do lots of coloring and some crafts and we take field trips and we get outside a lot every day. But we also DO have to sit down to learn to read and to learn basic math! And that hour or so a day is just not fun for my daughter and I.
I’m not sure what to do for her schooling next year. She is happy to be at home with me and her younger brothers and has no interest in going to school. She gets along great with her brothers and helps with the baby if I ask her to. She and her brothers help around the house with chores, which I feel is important for many reasons, and play for long stretches in worlds of make-believe, which is also important. And, she IS learning, albeit slowly and with frustration, here at home. On the other side, we have a good (from what I hear and read) public school right up the road. We cannot afford a private school. I think she’d be hesitant to go at first but would probably quickly love it and all the friends she would make. I worry though that she would be even more distracted in a big classroom environment and I’d end up teaching her anyway only we’d be battling it out late in the afternoon after a long day at school and with littles running underfoot, dinner cooking and sometimes an activity to go to. I don’t know what the right answer is and am praying that it comes to me before I start stressing about it.
I wish that I had your certainty and clarity this early-on Arwen! I’m curious as to how you came to your decision so concisely!?!?
One thing you may try is to find a coop that you can attend once a week or every other week. I do one called Classical Conversations. It is for 4 years and up. The kids practice memory work together, do a science experiment, an art project, do a presentation (show and tellish), and play learning games. There are all sorts of coops but they often help with the social aspect for mom and kids, and can also take care of the crafty side of things or science experiments that I don’t care to do.
This is really helpful. I am in similar shoes. We have a daughter who just turned 6 so she’s in homeschool K this year and also twin girls who are 3 and 1/2. I have always said that we’d take it year by year, but I have fallen in love with homeschooling… having them play together at home through the day, the flexible schedule, the cool curricula out there. However, I am finding it to be difficult juggling all the balls. I know I’m not reading to and playing with my younger ones as much because I’m busier working with the daughter in K and then catching up on cleaning and cooking. My daughters have allergies and so we eat very particularly (another reason it’s great to have them at home), but that makes it so that I’m always cooking some whole foods up or teaching something or picking up the aftermath of play the twins created while doing the above. I find it difficult to also take care of me when I’m always planning, being a homemaker or just being a Wife/Mommy. We want more babies and I want more quality time with my hubby… how can I find balance? I’m wondering how these other homeschooling moms do it… are they just more organized than me or am I just high strung about all I need to get done? The truth is, my daughters are happy and my oldest is a GREAT reader. She reads at about a 4th grade level and happily devours books on her own. So why do I think that I’m not doing enough because I’m not in a picture perfect house or on a faithfully scheduled plan? And why do I think the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence? I feel selfish when the one aspect not working out is me, that I feel stressed… I’m having a hard time reconciling that with what I think my girls need. I keep telling myself it will get easier for me as I get more used to it, because I love the teaching aspect. However, I am bad at balance/time management. This is a tough choice and one that I am often praying about…
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