Have any of you struggled with “being in the mood” while you are pregnant (and breastfeeding too, actually—anything pre-fertility).  My husband and I are really struggling to find a balance, and it can be very frustrating for both of us when I have virtually no libido at all.  Thanks! You all are the best.

Yes, yes and yes. We struggle with this all the time at the moment.

Hey everyone,
I mentioned this under Arwen’s article on being involved with pro-life stuff, but I wanted to bring it up here since there are always so many people who participate in this forum.  There is a great initiative called the Nineveh Journey which starts in a couple of weeks.  The website is http://www.ninevehjourney.org  It is simply 50 days of prayer and sacrifice for the election of pro-life officials and for the conversion of all people, including ourselves, toward a culture of life.  We unite our prayers each day (Sundays are free, like Lent ) for one particular state.  Stop by the website and sign up; we’d love to get at least one person from each state!  Thanks!

Do any of you ever feel like you don’t fit in really anywhere?  We homeschool - and have for a long time in a small town/rural area and have a large family so stick out like a sore thumb in our parish and are considered an oddity there.  I work part time and am the only one in our homeschool group to do that.  I also have had a kid go to the public highschool, and no one in our group has done that.  And then, on the teams that our kids are on, we are always kinda on the fringe - we don’t know the others very well, our kids haven’t been going to school together since preschool, etc.  And of course we have this big ol family and our kids aren’t allowed to do many of the things there kids do.  And I’ve known my local homeschool friends for over 10 years but for the most part everyone keeps their lives pretty private. it’s not that deeper kind of friendship.  If one of them called I would know it was ‘about something’ not just to talk.  And everyone is so busy and spread out over a distance that our time together is slim.  I’m so grateful for the internet communities that I belong to but sometimes ‘real life’ can be downright lonely.  Is it just me?  I know that I’ve heard a mother who’s kids are in school say that they don’t really ‘fit’ either and even in school that their daughter is lonely for a true friend.  And i know she herself is on the fringe at times.

Our eldest son has been a regular marijuana user at college this past year and has no qualms about telling me (we don’t help him financially, have tried to get him to stop, etc).  I found out later that this all began in highschool - pretty much right under my nose.  Now I feel like my antenna is way up and I’m suspicious of every move my 17yo makes.  He is a very private person anyway.  He’s always acted very responsible, never needed a curfew because he came home in a timely manner or didn’t even go anywhere to start with.  But I just have this nagging feeling.  Dh says he’d never do the drugs and alcohol thing but I’m not so sure, and I’m not sure if it is just a backlash of his older brother.  This seventeen yo is rather defensive with me all the time, and has been since he was about 14yo and we had some issues with computer use (sad), so a heart to heart just isn’t going to happen.  But I’d love some suggestions on this in general.  Also, if anyone has had a kid living on campus that has been doing everything you taught him not to, rejected the faith he was brought up in, etc and have some advice in how to help him or help myself through this, I’d love to hear.  Can you help someone who doesn’t want help or think he needs it???

Re: college child
My kids aren’t old enough for these problems yet but I do remember many of my siblings (I’m #10) rejecting the faith and other expectations in our family.  My Mom (widowed) was always very clear that,while we all have free will and will make our own choices, in her house we respect her rules.  This included not allowing the younger siblings to stay overnight at the homes of older siblings who lived with a boyfriend and even eventually insisting that one move out because she wouldn’t respect the house rules.  Even now, when we kids are in our 40’s and 50’s, respect for Mom and her beliefs and expectations rule in her home.

re: in the mood
With 2 under 2, one that still regularly wakes to nurse during the night, that can be an issue…primarily due to exhaustion.  I find that utilizing the time after resettling the baby can be a good answer.

Does anyone know where the Church stands in regards to tattoos and/or body piercing?

Thanks!
Dina

Good morning!
I would like to humbly ask for your prayers.  I won’t go in to all the details, but right now my family is going through very difficult times.  It is a combination of serious health issues, financial difficulties, the possibility of losing our home, and teenage children having broken hearts.  We are all very grateful for our faith…it seems to be the one thing we hold on to that can not be taken away.  So I am asking for prayers this coming week that God will shower us with blessings and give us the strength to carry on.  Thank you.

First of all…Therese, your family is in my prayers!

Second…for all of you moms of many…
Birthdays.  What do you do to make them special?  We are having a difficult time financially right now & I have 2 of my boys with birthdays coming up very soon.  Any low cost gift ideas, special traditions that your family finds meaningful, etc….Thanks in advance!

Amy - I was thinking about this a couple of nights ago and was going to ask about it here as well.  I feel like I am disappointing my husband so much but there are times when the feelings just aren’t there.  It used to be worse and within the last few months I have tried “talking my self into it.”  Telling myself he deserves to be loved and this is one way I can show him, or wouldn’t he be surprised if I came out in a nighty.  Sometimes I get in the mood just from thinking about it and even get a feeling like when I used to get ready for a date.  It doesn’t work every time but I find it is better than it used to be.

My question:  I am interested to hear from all of the homeschooling moms.  What curriculum do you use or have used?  And what did you like or not like about them?  I am seriously considering Kolbe, Seton, or Catholic Heritage, but am interested in hearing about others.

This question is especially for the “working outside the home” set.  Yesterday I went into school to pick up my keys so I could get my classroom ready for next week’s opening.  I had to have a conversation with the boss about a procedure I have been trying to schedule the past few weeks.  Well, of course it didn’t work out, and now I will probably have to take off 2 days to have it done. 
She kept going on and on about how it shouldn’t have taken so long to get approved etc, etc.  How would any of you handle that?  I think it is none of her business.  I was very ticked off when I got home yesterday.  Yes, I am venting.  I need some come back lines when I see her again on Thursday.

College kids—- scary! My oldest did take advantage of the freedom but he came home to work on the weekend. A couple times he went back to campus just in time to see some drunk friends do some really stupid things—while he was sober. It was eye opening. It is not too late to have the heart to heart talk with the 17 year old. Start with small, genuine compliments of how responsible he naturally is—I leave them a note or send an email or text if I have to. And then—the hard part—stay up very late every night. Be there when the house is silent and they are willing to open up. It may take months but I know it is worth the effort.
I’ll pray for your 2 you pray for mine—we move them this weekend.

Re: boss and procedure…you don’t need to allow the boss entre into your personal life beyond the fact that you did attempt to schedule the procedure prior to school but were unable to.  Being a reliable employee who gives an honest day’s work is your obligation.  If you’re doing that then it’s perfectly acceptable to say that the issue is private and you’d rather not talk about it.  That’s what sick and personal time is for…illness and personal issues.

I think you might get overwhelmed at getting a bunch of opinions on likes and dislikes about many curriculums.  I’ve been homeschooling for about 6 years now and I use what works for my children although many, many other people use different things.  We primarily had used Seton for the basics and Math-U-See for math.  BUT, I must tell you, you should check out Andrew Pudewa’s website and talks for spelling, writing and poetry!  You can download his talks for only $3 each and he is totally awesome.

http://www.excellenceinwriting.com

Good luck with your endeavor.  Pray about what curriculum you should start out with and be aware, it may change after a year or two when you find what works best for your children.

Thanks for your great advice Maureen!  You clarified what I was thinking.  My boss caught me so off guard yesterday I was rendered speechless.  I am going to have a little talk with her on Thursday. A very diplomatic one of course.  I am a good reliable worker and am very rarely out sick at all.  Of course if I do get sick, I stay home!  Thanks again, and God Bless !

Please pray for my father. He is the father of eight children (the youngest being just five years old). Two year ago he went through the terrible ordeal of oral cancer and a horrible surgery, radiation, chemo, and lingering side effects of choking while eating. At his check up yesterday they found another tumor at the back of his throat. We are praying that this is a different type of cancer then what he had before, because if it is the same then that means that it is a very aggressive form to have survived all that prior treatment. We will find out Friday. Please pray for peace of mind for him and a good outcome. Thank you so much!

Anon-
I hear you about the loneliness.  I’ve been there.  I am there.  Want to meet for coffee? 

I’ve heard other women comment on this- how mothers in our society seem to have lost the cultural connections to other women and families that made daily life more enjoyable, more bearable.  It’s not exactly the whole “it takes a village” thing, but when families lived in closer proximity or in community with extended family and friends, life wasn’t so isolating.

I, too, often feel on the fringe: the only one in homeschool group who works (though part-time).  I sometimes feel the other moms look askance at me for this.  The only one at work who homeschools.  The only one at work who is an orthodox (by that I mean faithful to the Magesterium) Catholic.  The only orthodox Catholic whose husband is Protestant (though he just recently converted—yay!!!).  And on.  I’m naturally an introvert, too, so that doesn’t help matters.

Wish I had some advice- but you’re far from alone.  I’ve been trying to just get out and initiate more activities- inviting my kids’ friends and their parents for bbq or a lunch picnic, that kind of thing, but it’s not the same as daily interaction.

God Bless.

To Teens and Drugs and Alcohol:

I was in college not too long ago and I have had experience with what you are talking about. However, my parents, who are devout Catholics, never pushed religion or their views on me (when I got to my late teens/early 20’s) they would talk to me about their faith in God, however, they would always ask me open-ended questions for me to ponder; and eventually it would lead me to their line of thinking regarding right and wrong or judgments on morals. My advice to you is pray for your son who is in college and don’t keep pushing your views. He needs to come to this realization on his own. My wise older brother gave me some sound advice when I was 17. He told me that each person will have a moment in their life where they will realize that they have to “want God” in their life. They will have a moment that they will choose to follow Christ and His teaching. It will be some sort of enlightenment. Even when I went through my “rebellion” I never forgot what my brother told me. When a parent raises their children in Christ and the church, they do all they can to teach them to follow Him. But, eventually each person needs to choose to follow Him.
Regarding your 17 year old: If he continues to show he is responsible and obeys his curfew and his grades do not drop, then I wouldn’t worry. It is when a person just doesn’t care anymore about anything that I would question what’s going on in their life. I really hope this helps a little bit. If there are any questions you think I could answer, please feel free to ask me. I won’t be offended. I hope I didn’t discourage you, because that was not my intention. I just know what your oldest is feeling and I am trying to help you to understand where he is at this point in his life. I’ll be praying for you and your children. God Bless!

I have the opposite problem with lonliness and isolation.  My house seems to be the dumping ground for all sorts of children, many of whom live in the neighborhood and whose parent’s work full time.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy my childrens’ friends, but I am tired of the constant hubbub, and feeding and keeping track of not only my four children, but the various stranglers who show up at my door.  Sometimes I throw them out and enforce strickly family time, but then I have this nagging feeling that I am not being charitable, after all, they are nice kids and my kids enjoy playing with their friends.  Summer will be over in one week (hooray!) and I can’t wait until school starts again so that I will have some down time.  In the meantime, I’m praying for patience.

Marie -

I hope those are stragglers showing up at your door and not stranglers! That’s a whole other problem!!

Hi ladies,
I am pondering homeschooling my youngest daughter who is three right now.  Are there any books you suggest that will give me ideas, thoughts, preparation and maybe just a general overview of what I’m in for? This would be the first time I’ve homeschooled and I’m nervous and I don’t know exactly what it entails, but I’d like to look into it.  Any suggestions for reading materials, etc.  would be so appreciated.
Amanda

Marie,
Those stragglers who keep coming, do you ever speak to their parents?  I am a working Mom (full time) and I always make sure I know where my 15 year old is.  How old are the kids?  Maybe they feel that they can come to your house because their Mom’s can’t be there for them.  I only starting working full time about 6 years ago.  I can’t survive financially if I don’t.  Talk to the parents, and maybe it will open your eyes to some issues you have not thought of.  If the parents don’t seem too ummmmm, responsive, you will know why the kids are attracted to your house. You are a caring person and they know it.

Homeschool curriculums…

Everyone has opinions on these, of course.  We ended up deciding on Seton.

We came to the realization as a couple that I would spend way more time and money trying to do homeschooling “my own way” and that there might be gaps in our kids educations if I did it that way…so we decided to go with a curriculum.

We looked closely at Kolbe, CHC and Seton.

The Kolbe rep talked a lot about how you can make so many choices on the curriculum.  Basically, there are different book choices for a bunch of different subjects.  We were looking to simplify by purchasing a curriculum, and that sounded more complicated than we wanted.

CHC rep told us how gentle the program was…that a lot of people come to them after getting burnt out on Seton.  She stressed that her kids all did really well with the gentle approach.  I can see how some children would really benefit from a gentler approach, but I didn’t see it as necessary for our daughters.

Seton stressed that its curriculum was very thorough, and that teacher assistance is available all along the way.  The materials looked challenging enough for my kids, and the academics looked very strong.

All three programs seem to be very strongly Catholic…I just found Seton to match my personality best and to have the academics I want for my girls.

First ~ prayers for you, Therese, and for your Father,Elizabeth!
On fitting in ~ Gosh, this is a subject I’ve struggled with for a long time.  Any time you go counter to norm, you don’t “fit in,” which is MOST of the time living in this world and staying true to our Faith.  We’re all square pegs in the world’s determinedly undefined holes.  As practicing Catholics, we get used to that isolation from the world on the large scale, and even take a certain satisfaction in it. But, it’s hurtful when you find you don’t “gel” within your own faith group ~ when you feel like you get the silent cold shoulder because you don’t fit into the popular Catholic mold at the time. 

We were the first in our group 15 yrs ago to homeschool, and we were looked at with suspicion.  I was a young mother then and that was hurtful.  But, then everyone else started homeschooling.  Oh, happy day!  Of course then we moved, and were led to place our children in a Catholic school, where we didn’t fit in because we used to be homeschoolers.  That was disconcerting. Then, we moved again, started homeschooling within a homeschooling-friendly group and were led to put our high schoolers in a Catholic boarding school, and it has started all over again.  How could we possibly send our children away?!  Again, we don’t fit in.

But, I’ve learned my lesson.  It doesn’t matter where you go, what you do, who you hang around with.  You’re rarely going to match up perfectly with anyone, and you’re never going to meet with everyone’s approval.  We humans are so flawed.  It’s hard for us to see sometimes that what is good and God-ordained for one, is not what He’s chosen for someone else.  Working part time may be what you need to do, but is not what I need to do. Boarding school works for my kids, but might be disastrous for yours. I’m ok with that, and I’m content that most people think I’m nuts. 

It’s true that sometimes isolation is a good thing for the soul.  To be sure, Our Lord and his Apostles were isolated.  The Apostles even disagreed amongst themselves in the early days of the Church.  With prayer, this feeling can be turned to grace. 

BUT ~ I don’t think you necessarily need to feel friendless!  It looks to me that you just haven’t stumbled into the right girlfriend ( or friend-family) yet.  There are lots of people out there who have learned the difference between proper and improper lines of discernment. Not everyone is a Catholic Snob.  If I were you, I’d first dig deep to make sure that the division I feel in my current circle is not a matter of my own worries.  Then I would place the matter in Our Blessed Mother’s hands, and get her Mom, St. Anne, in on it, too.  Between the two of them, I bet they’ll send a good friend your way ~ Whether close at home or on the internet, there’s someone out there you can connect with.
I won’t say good luck, but God bless! (Sorry this turned out to be a novel…)

Hi - I’m looking for a reading program that would work with a 4 year-old. Phonics or something, I need some specific names or links. We are home-schooling preschool this year and I’m looking for the reading component. He was NOT interested in 100 Easy Lessons, unfortunately. Thanks!

About feeling isolated.  I am a teacher and believe it or not I often feel that way. It is not just a homeschool situation. I interact with many people but am not close to them. While I have no great advice for how to find friends, I just wanted you to know that many of us are in the same boat these days. It is hard to find others who have the time to get to know you on a deeper level. I have thought about joining a group of some kind but just don’t have the time or energy and I think, often, that is what hinders others as well. I wish you luck and hope and pray you will find what you are looking for. Perhaps prayer will lead you to a person or place where you are needed and you will find the fulfillment you are missing.

I will be teaching first grade CCD for the first time this year.  I’m looking for helpful web sites for church teaching, crafts, coloring pages, etc.  I’ve got them for a little longer than an hour once a week.  Any help/suggstions about the above or other tips are appreciated.

To:  Andi—(post #10)
RE:  Kid Birthdays

The pressure to have an all-out BASH for our kids birthdays is so strong these days!  We have 7 and one on the way so big parties that include lots of classmates, etc don’t happen too much.  We have family birthday traditions that include:
1)  If at all possible, all family members are present for the birthday “breakfast”—this is nothing special, just a breakfast when we all make it a point to be up, out of bed, ready for the day at the same time and able to sing a happy birthday straightaway in the morning.  If the child has received a gift from a relative in the mail (we don’t live near any family)we “save” it for that birthday breakfast.  I’ll make pancakes or whatever—sometimes it’s just donuts—it depends on the time.  It’s just having that acknowledgement FIRST thing in the morning that the kids really look forward to.

2)  Then throughout the day I make it a point to talk to the child/children about their day of birth—with so many siblings, there are many stories to relate—the kids LOVE to hear about this even if it doesn’t seem so “grand” to us—-they really love to hear about when I yelled “TONY, IT"S TIME!!” and how fast Dad drove (or didn’t drive and where everyone in the family was at the time and how they found out about the newest sibling, etc.  It is the best part of the day.  We share these stories throughout the day or at breakfast/dinner, depending on the time, who is there, the age of the child, etc.  The little ones love to hear about how their elder siblings “arrived”.

3)  I make the birthday child’s favorite dinner—even if it’s macaroni and cheese.  A few candles, some homemade confetti, home-decorated napkins or paperplates (color the edges of plain paper plates with their faorite themes, etc)

4)  Cake and ice cream for dessert.

5)  Gifts—-if the kids are little 4 and under—they don’t need much and perhaps you can “recycle” a gift.  Sometimes my parents will get them so much for Christmas that I save stuff back to give them for birthday—-they’ll never know and enjoy the gifts even more.  Certainly for the 1,2 3 year olds, we recycle the old baby toys.  When the bigger kids caught on one year I explained that they too had recycled gifts—now it’s no big deal.  The fun is in the surprise and all the attention.  The big kids will also *make* presents—depending on the things they like—-you can *make* a coffee can drum set with old cans and contact paper. 

5)  As far as inviting other kids/classmates—-that is when it becomes expensive.  Our ages are 16,14,11,8,6,4,2—the big three have had parties with friends but we keep them very simple—and the fact that they have only had one makes that party special—-we did not pick a certain age, we looked at each child’s desire, personality, special age, where we lived, who their friends were, etc.  (When one was turning 9 on the 9th, we invited 9 boys for 9 hours—YES it was INSANE but he will remember that birthday his whole life!  We played tons of games and ate a lunch and had cake/ice cream later in the 9 hours and they drank lemonade from a mix.  And almost three years later all those 9 boys plus our son remember that day as if it were last week.  They ALL had a blast.  His birthday party is a big memory for all those boys.)

Don’t be afraid to NOT have a gift bag.  That is a real sticking point with me.  Yes, you want to thank your guests for coming but it is NOT necesary to shower THEM with gifts and candy.  It’s really out of control.  To be served some type of food at the party, play a game and a hand written thank you is plenty.  (WHY do we over-indulge children SO MUCH!  No wonder they have problems with self-control—another topic!)

Wow—I’ve rambled on….hope some of the ideas have helped.  Be creative and do not be afraid to keep it simple.  The most important to your kids will be how you and your husband and his/her siblings remember their special day.

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to YOU!!!!  I think our kids birthdays mean even more to us!

Wow, Beth!!  “ask & you shall receive!!”  I knew I would get great ideas here!

My youngest will be 8 Sept. 6 and my 2nd (of 4) will be 12 on Oct. 2.  I love your ideas.  It’s hard because my 10 year old had his birthday in June while with all of my husband’s family (who all live out of state) for a reunion, so his was fantastic.  I know in my head that not every birthday can be fireworks & huge parties, but am just feeling kind of sorry for these 2!  Your ideas are great & I will definately implement them.  I think the main thing is to make them feel special, no matter how much money we have to spend.  I agree that the goodie bag thing is getting ridiculous!!  Sometimes I think that my kids get more than we gave the birthday child when we go to these parties!

And thank you!!  I agree, birthdays mean as much (or more) to us than they do to the birthday child!!

Amanda - go to my website and click on “my Amazon store.”  There are several homeschooling info book suggestions there.

Dina - a great articles on tattoos and body piercing:  http://www.cuf.org/Faithfacts/details_view.asp?ffID=233

Alexis - We use CHC’s reading program, Little Stories for little Folks.  It is phonics based and we love it!  The 100 lessons did not work for us, either.

Curriculum:  Oh boy, did you open a can of worms!  All good worms, mind you!  You really do have to find what works for you.  Our family uses CHC with the exception of Math (we use Math U See), and absolutely love it.  It is incredibly flexible, totally orthodox, and my kids love it!

re college:

I would try to rule out an emotional imbalance. 

I used some recreational drugs in my teens and it was because I was depressed and anxious.  At the time the drugs seemed like a better alternative to the psychological mess I was in.

At this point I would just ask your son questions to help him understand his own behavior better.  Why do you smoke?  How do you feel when you smoke?  How do you feel when you don’t smoke? 
If you are not in a position where you can ground him then I think your only other option is to keep the dialog open.

For Alexis:
Check this website and let me know your thoughts. I saw this on tv. Maybe this will help. I am thinking about this for my 2 month old and 3 year old daughter.
http://www.yourbabycanread.com/

I have a “different” request.  Friends of ours, the Rose family, have been married for nearly two years.  They have been unable to conceive and carry to term due to health reasons for the entire two years.  They are totally faithful to the Church and would make absolutely outstanding parents.  They have decided to give foster parenting a try, in the hope of being able to adopt.
Since they are not having a baby in the usual way, I was afraid any new additions to their family would not be celebrating in quite the same way as giving birth to a baby.  I don’t want that to happen.  I have created a wishlist on Amazon for them in the hopes of throwing them a “long-distance shower.”  They have received their first gift and remain baffled (this is an anonymous surprise!)

If you could find it in your heart (and wallet - I understand!) to purchase a gift or two for them, I assure you of God’s reward for your kindness!  There are many items that are below $10. 

There could not be a more deserving couple.  You can see their “story” at the website above, and please check out their wishlist:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/2EDZSXUZOSVT6

I can jump on the ‘Lonely’ thread. I usually lurk but rarely post. I have 3 little boys, 2 are starting school in a couple of weeks, and I am pregnant with my first girl! I feel like there are soo many exciting and abundant blessings in my life. The dark cloud that descends upon my day or intrudes upon my thoughts is my relationship with my DH who has been “in a funk” or whatever you want to call it since the beginning of July. I have thought long and hard about whether I am being too sensitive or whether I am being a little dramatic. I have come to the conclusion that I am not. He works long rotating shifts in a very stressful occupation and picking up overtime these last few months; he is rarely home. These days it seems like I am a single mom trying to emotionally support a very stressed and overworked hubby. The problem is the lack of nuturing, support or even affection that I receive from him. I am not sure how else to come to him and share what is in my heart because he says it is hard enough when he is home to listen to me on top of everything else he deals with. Usually his days off, I work a few shifts outside the home one or two days a week and he takes over home and kids. Since he has picked up overtime, I have not been working as often as I used to. They also have not needed me at my workplace either. I have thought about whether I need to just get out and if that is affecting my outlook but I don’t believe that is the case. I plan all kinds of outings with the boys and my sister and her kids. I really just miss my relationship with my husband and don’t know what else I can do to appeal to his sense of being needed without putting even more pressure on him to throw him over the edge. He won’t talk to me about what is bugging him and worries a lot more than he needs to, if he would only let me help him realize that!!

I am curious if anyone has any good ideas about making some extra money from home.  My husband owns a construction company that is struggling right now with the the economy the way it is.  I am a SAHM of 5 and expecting #6 in about 3 weeks.  Currently, we have not brought home a paycheck for over a month and we are really feeling the pinch.  We are living on savings and trying to stretch it out as long as we can—hopefully until things turn around some.  I would love to do SOMETHING to help ease the financial burden on our family, but am needed primarily at home with our children ages 9, 8, 5, 3, 1 and soon to add a newborn to the mix.  Any great ideas??  Thank you in advance! 

Regarding homeschool curricula:  I suggest choosing one curriculum and then adding in or substracting out items to suit your family.  We started with Seton and still use some items.  However, CHC is more gentle and we switched to that for spelling.  We also use Abeka math and language.  It is Christian, but not Catholic.  Finding the best curriculum for your family is a search, but take your time.

I joined into my church’s 30 40 something groups however my children are all older than most people’s my age so though I am accepted, I still don’t really fit. I tried talking with people from my boy’s karate class but again I stay on the fringe.Now, I have basically given up and focus on my family. We don’t go places with other families but go by ourselves and have fun

Shoot only half of my comment published. ignore the above.Here nis another shot at the whole thing. Sorry

Anon,

You could be me only I only have three children , and send my children to public school and a state college. We do not care for the Parish that is honestly a two minute walk from our home so we attend the Parish where I grew up which is Ok except that 90% of the kids there attend school together so my kids have always been the outsiders. Even those families who I have known since childhood now have their Band parents, football parents, PTA parents, or whatever parents group, and though they speak to me, I am the outsider . I joined into my church’s 30 40 something groups however my children are all older than most people’s my age so though I am accepted, I still don’t really fit. I tried talking with people from my boy’s karate class but again I stay on the fringe.Even in my family I am the only daughter so they boys hunt together and stuff like that but I stay on the fringe there too. My in laws are so different I don’t even try. Now, I have basically given up and focus on my family. We don’t go places with other families but go by ourselves and have fun .I know that my being with you is no help but at least I can offer support and say your not the only one

Lonely:  I have found, over the years as my family has grown and after many moves, it is harder to connect.  After 5 children, we were an oddity and people were afraid to have us over—an imposition, I guess. (Our families are far away so we don’t have a lot of get-togethers with them.) We usually do the asking and the hosting because it’s very easy for me to ‘plan’ for a few more. (we have 10 at home).  I also recognise that the ability to connect well with 10 children + spouse on a daily basis, requires not having too many ‘other’ activities/get togethers anyway.)  It is also hard to find the ‘right’ match for children in one family to match the ages, genders and/or personalities of ours.) We recently met a family with 5 girls our girls same ages, and they all get along wonderfully well—-a 1st for us, in a long time. So, it generally is hit and miss, in this respect.  I take comfort in knowing all you lovely ladies are out there doing your ‘daily duties’ in the Faith as I try to do them here in my family.  God provides the things we need and we can trust Him to provide friends within our family members, if we can’t ‘find’ them outside.
Birthdays:  We do lots of ‘traditions’ and this helps make the birthdays ‘special’ without a lot of cost. We all make ‘signs’ for the birthday person.(Just markers on copy paper taped up all over the house.)  My husband is very creative and makes very personal, humorous signs for the children. They look forward to reading them upon rising.  We also, like the previous poster, make breakfast special, let the child choose the dinner and their cake design. We do one really special party for each, and the rest are ‘family’ parties. The girls recieve a hope chest on their 10th birthdays,( one son wanted one, so we got a deacon’s bench for him) and everyone has a ‘gold coin’ hunt (silver dollars) with poem-type hints, on their 16th birthdays (the girls recieve a beautiful birthstone ring at the end of it also.) We also ‘recycle’ gifts for the youngest ones and handmade gift are always made/recieved from child-to-child.  God bless you all.

Andi—

My SIL is expecting her 11th child, her oldest being 13.  She and her husband have decided to take the birthday kid out to dinner with just mom and dad, wherever he or she wants to go.  With such a big family, it is never the case that one child gets to have mom and dad all to himself!  Then, they go home to do cake, ice cream and presents with the rest of the siblings.  SO much more affordable than having a big party for each one.  The little ones who can’t appreciate dinner out w/mom and dad still obviously enjoy the cake, ice cream and presents part!

A question for Danielle: Will ‘Danielle Daily’ return to its previous profligacy, or is the recent (since F&FL;) downturn in frequency and length of posts more or less permanent? I completely understand if it is, and I enjoy F&FL;and will continue to read here,just wondering about ‘Danielle Daily’.

Re: kids at your house all the time. It’s nice to be able to keep a close eye on the kids your kids are playing with.  That being said, you don’t have to have them around all the time, nor should you feel guilty about that.  Spending time as a family unit is very important.  Siblings need to learn how to get along with each other without anyone else around.  In fact, if my kids aren’t getting along with each other, they aren’t allowed to play with other kids at all until that is fixed.  I remember a friend of mine telling me that even though she liked the neighbor kids, she didn’t want her son to be raised by the neighbor kids.  That one-liner has really stuck with me through the years, so when I’m tempted to let my kids who are bugging me the most be occupied for large amounts of time by other kids (whether at home or away), I remember that my family has to come first.  My mom always used to say, “Charity begins at home.”

Washington Archbishop responds to Nancy Pelosi - Have you read the response?  Short and sweet and clear that it’s the bishops’ role to teach and elaborate on the faith, not Speaker Pelosi’s.  He reasserted Church teaching that life begins at conception and any procured abortion is intrinsically evil…no ifs, ands or buts. Thank God—-finally.  I called the Archbishop’s office to extend my gratitude and to ask him to encourage his brother bishops to follow his example.  I believe we need to support our bishop’s when they speak the truth ...after all, aren’t we supposed to be the Church militant and defend Her and Her teachings.

Hi
RE: lonely
I saw a “review” of a book on blessed among men blog (danielle bean’s sister) on making friendships in homeschool circles, etc.  Might be worth checking out.  I think it was called needle in a haystack, maybe.

What is a reasonable amount of extended family communication/acknowledgment? Every year when I start shopping for Christmas presents for my parents, my husband says, “I can’t believe you have to buy presents for your parents.” Before Mother’s day, we were at the store and I was going to buy cards for both our mothers and our three living grandmothers. The cheapest cards I could find were $3. My husband said, “My mother would rather not have a card then know that you spent three dollars on it.” I ended up only buying cards for my mother and grandmothers and his got no acknowledgment at all. It doesn’t bother my husband that he hasn’t seen his grandmother in more that 9 years (so she hasn’t met our children) and he doesn’t understand that I want to see my grandmothers again before they die. They are 87 and 93 so their time is running out. One of them hasn’t met my children at all and the other I haven seen in three years. So, I guess I am asking, are there other people who don’t do much with their family and my desires are a little high, or are the things that I want to do (Christmas presents, etc.) normal and reasonable?

To: Michelle
Re: Websites for religion class

I really like sermons4kids.com. It talks about the gospel for each week and gives helpful ideas, coloring pages, etc. Faithfirst.com is also a good site. I know they both talk more about the gospel for the week but you may find some helpful ideas. akidsheart.com may also have some ideas for you. Good luck and God bless!

Hi Kate, thanks for asking about DB.com. Since Faith & Family Live gets my first blogging efforts these days, and there is only one of me, I can make no promises about upkeep over there.

I’ll be doing all the same kinds of posting and more over here, though, so people who enjoyed DB.com over the past 4 years will find more of the same here.

I’ve heard from a few readers who were sad to see me move my blogging as they felt a bit “lost” over here among other bloggers, etc.

If you want to read only one blogger at a time, though, you can do that here. It might simplify your experience and make reading easier.

If you click on my name in the “posted by” section at the top of a blog post, it will bring you to “my” page that shows only my posts. You can do the same with any of the other bloggers here as well.

Just thought I’d point this out for anyone who feels “lost” or would prefer to read one blogger at a time. You can do it!

Karen -

ChaCha.com is hiring. It’s a legitimate way to work from home. I’ve only just started so I’m not making much money at it yet, but the mom who recommended it to me says she makes between $4-10/hour.

BIRTHDAYS:  We have 8 kids and are not big gift givers.  One gift we have found the kids to enjoy, especially as they get older, is that we give them a homemade “gift certificate”.  It says Daddy will take them shopping for the gift of their choice.  They feel special that Dad will go shopping with them and usually come home with a tool or something I would never think of getting.

HOMESCHOOL: I know a lot of people that use Seton, but I am not a fan for one reason.  They are so big in pushing creationism that they mention it 10 million times in each book (or so it seems to me.)  My husband and I are both biologists (I’m not employed), and we see no conflict of interests in believing in evolution and that God is the designer of all.  I use all secular school materials and just do my own thing for religion and it seems to be working.

Terri,
I understand where you are coming from. Years ago when my kids were small I had to work to make ends come even close to meeting while my husband worked all the overtime he could sometimes even a second or third job to support us. I have no sisters nor close friends and with just me and the babies home I would get very lonely. My husband knew how I felt but knew that we needed the money too. He was very unhappy that he felt he didn’t have a choice and had to work these hours neglecting me. Thankfully prayers were answered and he got a better job which allowed me to stay home with the kids and for him to only work one job. He still works overtime when he can get it as we always have money needs ( I am shelling out $600 later today for new tires on the car ) but I am seeing a lot more of him now and when it has been awhile since we have had family time,he will skip an overtime shift to be with the family.

Birthdays

I used to have the big family parties on one day and then a kid party on another when my older two were younger but it got to be too much(not to mention too expensive ) and we scrapped most of the parties. This year my youngest turned twelve and we , excluding his sister who had to work ,had Dairy Queen as a family on his B day night after dinner which he chose. The next Friday night , when everyone was off work,we had cake and ice cream and invited Grandparents to join us. It almost got out of hand when my in laws asked if they could bring two cousins who were supposed to be spending that night with them. I felt bad but said no because if I had them two cousins I would have to have all of the cousins who lived near by. Then I would have to have aunts and uncles and so on. I did offer to change the day so the Grandparents could come alone but they decided to change the sleep over to Saturday night instead of Friday. Because this son is the youngest , though he has had equal amounts of friend parties he has only had a couple whole family parties but we have made things up to him by doing things like taking only him out to eat when his sister is working and his Brother is at their Grandparents mowing their grass. It may be different but it all works out.

Re:  ChaCha                                                                  
I bet your friend gets to answer some weird questions LOL!

To Alexis: If your 4 yr old isn’t interested in the reading yet, I wouldn’t push it.  Lots of boys learn to read later than girls do (on average) and if they’re pushed too early, they won’t like reading throughout their lives.  We were homeschooled and one of my brothers didn’t start reading until he was 8 or 9; he’s entirely proficient now and finishing his PhD.    If your son is interested, then go for it, but if not, it will keep.

To CT: my husband and I aren’t quite that opposite about family connections, but our families do have very different traditions.  Mine all write thank-you notes to each other, his never write any for anything.  His family does all store-bought cards with just a signature; mine makes homemade ones and we all write thoughtful notes.  Maybe he’d feel better about the cards if you (and/or your kids) made some so they weren’t expensive.  If he’s never been that close to his grandparents, then maybe that’s just the way it is unless you know from his parents or something that the grandparents want more contact.  But for you, I wouldn’t avoid your relatives just b/c your husband isn’t close to his.  You’ll obviously feel bad for ages if you don’t stay close to them and they will probably miss you too.

CT,
I do not think you are unreasonable.My brother’s and I still buy presents for my parents for Christmas. We have quit buying for each other but buy the nieces and nephews a $50 savings bond ( each costs $25)I do not buy Christmas presents for my only living Grandmother ( we were never close )but send her cards for Christmas, Mother’s Day etc. We also buy gifts for my Husband’s parents( usually a huge fruit basket or a family type of thing) but he and his brothers never exchanged gifts so we have never bought them gifts. We did buy for his nieces for a few years but their families never bought for our children so eventually we stopped. Instead we have always bought for his Grandmother ( whom I am closer to than I ever was any of my Grandparents). If your husband doesn’t want to buy for his I would respect his wishes or talk to him about maybe giving a small fruit basket or something like that. but that is ultimately his choice. Everyone isn’t raised the same nor does everyone feel the same Your family should be your choice as long as you keep things within a budget that your family can afford.

For those who are looking for a good reading/phonics resource try http://www.starfall.com. It is free and my kids love it! 

For the 1st Grade CCD teacher try http://www.k4j.org.

*Question:  My children are 8, 5 and 2.  My son has expressed an interest in receiving an allowance.  My husband and I have mixed feelings on this. I was wondering of those of you who give your children allowance what type of system do you use ? Any suggestions on practical ways to teach them to save and handle money responsibly (besides by example of course )?

Thanks!

Ladies ( or men)
I need some input on a conflict that has come up. Does anyone have any advise ? Since my daughter Graduated from High school in June we had a big Graduation breakfast buffet party at a local restaurant. My home was too small for such a party and renting a hall and doing the cooking myself would have been more expensive so the decision was made. Out of the eighty some that I invited( not counting her friends whom she invited by mouth)( all family except for ten from church) sixty some attended. ( again not counting quite a few friends)Everyone had a great time and loved the breakfast idea. My next will not Graduate for three years but we plan another Breakfast buffet party. The problem is that everyone knows that my daughter is attending an accelerated eleven month Nursing school and have asked if we will have the same next year when she graduates. I think this is too much ( money and stress both) and have said we probably will not have a Nursing school Grad party. Most people understand and have let it go but there are some who are pushing for something at least for close family ( grandparents, my husband’s and my brothers and their families and us) Does anyone know the etiquette on this ?  Am I obligated ?  Should I cover everything ( everyone’s meals) as with the HS grad party ?  There would still be at least twenty five to thirty people with this select group so I would need to make reservations within the next month or so. Any suggestions?

Homeschool: another curriculum to check out is Mother of Divine Grace. My school-aged children are very young (4&5;) and we have loved the last year with MODG. We are using a few supplemental pieces this year from CHC (A Year With God, spelling, handwriting, science). I love the literature part of MODG, and that it is based on Laura Berquist’s classical curriculum.

To CT about family involvement: Have you read The 5 Love Languages book? I know it has a lot of hype, but for good reason. It gives great insight into understanding how you show love, and how your spouse shows love, and why it is ok to show love differently. I would guess that you show love by spending quality time with someone, and secondly by giving gifts. My mother shows love in a similar way, and it always irked me (I’m like your husband, not a gift-giver) that she “wasted” money until I realized that to her, she was saying “I love you”. I would highly recommend the book for both you and your husband to read! It has helped my husband and I understand each other better, as well as love each other in the “language” we appreciate.

As far as gift giving and time spent with family, we are 1600 miles away from our nearest relatives, and lucky to see them once a year. Tight finances prevent much gift giving. We do still send cards (sometimes you can buy blank ones in bulk, or Hallmark has a 99 cent section, if your husband is concerned about cost). Otherwise, I try to stay in touch with phone calls, sharing pictures as much as finances can allow, and emails.

Many prayers for those who have asked for them today.

My parents had a high school grad party and a college grad party for me, but they were 5 yrs apart, and inexpensively done in our home. Perhaps you could do a smaller group in your home? We borrowed tables from a church and set them up in the garage and driveway, and food options are up to you.

I think you are not obligated at all to have such an expensive party at a restaurant! If your family wants to go out as a big family as a “reunion” type thing, perhaps you could suggest that you do that (but not for the occasion of graduation, specifically) and everyone could pay their own meal. Or you could do a potluck breakfast buffet as someone’s house, with everyone doing a little to pitch in on the work of setup and cleanup (assign chores based on desire, ability)

CT,
I’m one of 10 and my husband is one of 6 so gift buying would be crazy if both families hadn’t made some changes.  We felt family time was more important than gifts and also knew how expensive holidays can be.  We have family parties close to Christmas. On my husband’s side the adults no longer give gifts but the children have a cousins’ draw and each give a gift to one cousin.  On my side we do both an adults and childrens’ draw…again each person only buying for one person.  It eliminates alot of the stress of shopping and allows one to really personalize the gift.  For our Moms we give certificates to support their hobbies…one a certificate to her local theater and the other a certificate to her favorite fabric or gardening store.  You don’t have to do the same for both sides of the family, just be upfront about expectations and address the issues long before the holidays.

Re: Anon

I have also felt very alone and live in a small town.  At one of my boys soccer games I was making small talk with one of the moms and just happened to mention how hard I thought it was to make friends and she was also feeling the same way another mother overheard and she said she felt the same.  Since then we have been getting together every month for a girls night.  I’m normally an introvert so just mentioning my lonliness was a huge step outside my comfort zone but I am so happy I did.  Maybe you can mention how you feel to someone who you think could be more then an aquantance.

Re: Graduation brunches, birthday parties, gifts to extended family and cards. 

I highly recommend the book “Boundaries”.  It’s by two evangelical psychologists.  It has very solid Christian ways of deciding where your obligation ends and the other person’s begins. 

After reading the book, I was able to stop hosting the frequent extended family birthday dinners for my family (5 kids & counting) and both of my parents and occasionally my SIL, nephew and brother.  It was costing us a fortune and taking up at least 12 Saturday’s a year.  I pretty much hated them, but I was felt obligated to keep on doing them - especially since my MIL is obsessed with celebrating birthday’s.  (In her perfect world every child would have a friend’s party, an extended family party AND a special “little” celebration on the actual date. )  It wasn’t easy, but I no longer do what doesn’t work for me & our family. 

We also stopped buying birthday gifts for anyone other than our children and only give our parents a small Christmas gift to our folks and a home made card for grandparents birthday.  The only exception we’ve made is in it’s a milestone birthday for a grandparent (60, 65 & 70 etc). For children’s b-day parties (which I host from 1st grade to 4th) I do not give goody bags and I usually have a theme party at home.  You;d be surprised how many kids ( at least in our area) have never been to “simple” at home birthday party.

The point is that you have to figure out what works for you emotionally, spiritually and financially and do that.  You can’t and won’t lease everyone - so no sense even trying.

Alexis,
I also have a four-year-old son who is learning to read.  We are using “The Ordinary Parent’s Guide to Teaching Reading” with GREAT success!  We tried 100 Lessons with him (and his older sister) and we weren’t impressed for several reasons—specifically for my son, he’s definitely ready to read—but not a proficient hand-writer.  The two skills definitely don’t need to go together!  You can the “Ordinary Parent’s Guide” at Amazon.com for a reduced rate.  Peace Hill Press is the publisher and their site has lots of different tools for classical education (generally, there is a lot of focus on memorization in early years) if you choose to go that route (although I have found their site to be a bit pricey).  Also, the “Ordinary Parent’s Guide” is very “blah” looking—no pictures, just black and white, so don’t be surprised.  The author is adamant extras on a page can distract from learning the basic skills of reading. 
We also like the “Bob Books”—also very plain looking, but cute little stories with only a few pages so the kids can read “a WHOLE book.” 
Good luck!

Re: feeling lonely

I think it takes alot of time and patience to build up a community of friends and family in your life.

I struggled with loneliness when I first became a mom but really worked hard on building ties with other families and women who shared by faith.  One of the things I appreciate is the diversity among this community:  homeschoolers, public schoolers, Catholic schoolers, working moms, stay at home moms, large families, small famililes..you get the idea.

Part of it is is that our pastor has a real vision for forming community and bringing people together. 

For all for you searching for that my prayers are with you, it really makes life easier when you know you are not alone.  I think everyone for one reason or another feels like an outsider at times.

We personally refuse to give any of our money to Abeka.  While I’ve heard their math program works great for a lot of people, we just can’t see giving our money to a company that bashes the Catholic Church in their other books.  Just my .02 cents worth

To all the lonely moms -

I agree with PM, making friends and establishing a family social life takes time and work.  You have to want to have friends enough to host other moms and families over for lunch or dinner.  You have to be open to idea that maybe your friends won’t be in step with you on all of your philosophies on child rearing, religious beliefs and educational theories.  But most people will respond to a happy and generous person.  It took my husband and me 14 years to create a social life for our family in the small town that we live in.  That included inviting people we barely knew over for an inpromptu bbq after church, having cocktails together on a Saturday night and getting together at a local park or pool.  I remember what my mom always told me “the only way to make a friend is to be a friend”

To Alexis:  We have very happily and successfully used The Little Angel Reader Program to teach 4 ours to read.  I really love it, and all of my children (so far) are very good readers.  It is written by Linda Bromeier and is very thorough. 
Lisa

I am right in there with the loneliness thing.  I find it’s pretty easy to meet people.  Actually really nice people in general.  The problem for me is that about 98% of the time, even if they are “Catholic”, conversations come up that make me feel uneasy, out of place, or downright irritated.  Conversations about being DONE with having kids, having vasectomies, etc.  The stuff their kids are allowed to do, see, wear, etc.  If I engaged in conversations with people on these subjects as much as they come up I’d be having debates and weird conversations A LOT!  Almost no one is open to life, attend church at least once a week, pray, fast, go to adoration, confession.  It’s very frustrating and yes, lonely.  I love this site for just that very reason.  I just found it recently and I feel less lonely already!

Regarding making friends & general loneliness.

I really struggle in this area too!  I am very extroverted and left a job I loved 4 years ago to be home.  Fortunately I am comfortable inviting virtual strangers for coffee, lunch etc.  One of my newer friends I met at a church mom’s movie night.  I spontaneously invite her & family to dinner that week.  The really cool part was that about 6 months later she formed a play group of various mom’s she’d met at 8:30 a.m. Mass and included me.  We now meet every other week and have had a couple of dinner parties.  My advice is to 1) go to morning Mass and 2) invite a mom or two for coffee or a trip to the local park.  You will not regret it.

Thanks for everyone’s nice comments and suggestions.  Ya know, I’ve lived in this town for 14 years and ‘know’ a lot of people.  I’m very outgoing and will talk to whoever will listen to me wherever I go.    (Just ask my kids who often have to patiently wait while I chat at the grocery store)  But lately I’ve really felt deeply how rarely my phone rings, local friends email or make contact, etc.  I don’t really have anyone to talk to or get together with just for fun and to TALK.  The people I have regular contact with are really ‘cyber’ friends, through websites or emails.  Everyone around here just seems so busy-and are very focussed on home and staying home.  But I feel like if I want our homeschool group to get together I have to initiate it and plan it and sometimes few come anyway.  Oh dear, that sounds a lot like whining!  Anyway, I really appreciate the positive support from ya’ll.  I really should make more effort to invite people over.  Maybe I’d get the house cleaned up too!!    Also, I appreciate whoever gave the insight about finding friendship with people who aren’t made from the ‘same mold’ so to speak!!

Kelly,

I hear what you are saying ! I have found the same thing only instead of most people not sharing in our Catholic life style ( I don’t really worry about how often others go to church or if they go to Confession or not as my children are older and have grown up with many non practicing Catholic’s in the family.  They have even encountered Grandparents who have a personal problem with the Catholic church itself where Grandma has sent ” Christian ” ( protestant ) materials to our children for their baptisms ( she even explained to the older ones( six and three) that their baby brother was “christened” not “baptized “and why)We just have explained that people have the freedom to choose religion right or wrong and assured them that the Catholic laws were what we believed and that they should simply ignore, without being rude, any views that were contrary. Though this was not ideal, it was necessary in order to preserve the good of Grandma , and others, being in our kids lives.They are now older and seem to be just fine with this sort of thing ) I find that most people didn’t or still don’t discipline or raise their children like we did/ do. It was hard to be with a friend and her kids when her kids were kicking her in the store because she said no to candy and she would try to reason with them with my kids watching and knowing that they would defiantly be spanked if they even thought of hitting me or anyone for that matter. I had one dear friend for years but the friendship got strained when she would allow her children to waste food like there was no tomorrow and when I had them over for dinner like we had done for years before children my husband boiled when he seen them fill a plate, take one bite and get up to play. When they came back, on their terms, they didn’t want to finish their food( even though it had been put in the refrigerator so it was Ok )but expected something else. their Mother seen no problem asking me to make them a sandwich when they did this and even told me once to just throw their food away as there was no way that they would finish it. I miss this dear woman but had to distance our family before my husband’s head exploded,knowing that he was absolutely right and we never let our kids waste food. this is probably why I don’t really look for friends anymore . Since the kids are getting older my husband and I have talked about going out with some people who he works with and their wives whose children are grown. This may work out, we’ll just have to see !

To Teens re: alcohol, drugs, etc.

Don’t underestimate the power of prayer in this situation.  Our oldest are now 22 and 18.  I can’t say I love every decision they have made.  And I can’t say I don’t speak my mind when I know I need to.  But a few weeks ago, there was a post by Danielle Bean about praying for our children’s adult lives now, even if they are still babies.  Pray for their future spouses and pray for the decisions they will make.  I sincerely doubt that anyone reading and writing to Faith and Family Live wants anything less then the best for their children…and I doubt any one of us has ever done something to intentionally hurt our children.  But even the best intentions and the best of parents find themsleves feeling helpless when their adult children make decisions that are not what we believe is best.  I truly believe with all my heart that our best course of action is prayer…constant and unfailing.  When the battle is bigger then we are, sometimes we have to let God take it over.  I have done this in several situations with my kids, and I have to say that even if there were a few rough times, God has ALWAYS shown His power.  He can change the hardest of hearts…ask Him to do it.  You are in our prayers.
...and p.s.  Thanks to those who said a prayer for my family.  God bless you!

Good News!  I was able to schedule my surgery for Thursday of this week.  So, I won’t have to have that little talk with the boss. 
Re:  Phonics suggestions Four Year Old Boy
The only “phonics” your child needs to know right now is letter/sound recognition.  If he isn’t interested in learning to “read” yet that is fine.  Actually most children are not “ready” to read until they are almost 6 years old.  That is when the majority of children’s eyes are mature enough to track print.  Don’t push too hard at age 4, he will not like learning to read at 5 or 6 if he isn’t interested right now and you push too hard.  This is spoken from the perspective of an experienced Kindergarten teacher.

Diane,
thanks for all your thoughts, advice, wisdom.  It’s nice when you have a place where many others feel exactly the way you do.  That’s why I love this blog so much. 

Anyway, it’s not so much that I worry about what others are doing or not doing.  If they live their life different(depending on how different!) than I do I have no problem being friends/aquaintences, etc.  The problem comes in when these conversations/topics come up and it can get very sticky and sometimes feelings hurt if they feel you are judging them or will judge them for how they live.  Also, when it becomes obvious how we live our Catholic life(definitely not perfectly) seriously we can be looked at as sort of “out there”.  It’s very against the current of everyday life of others and it’s a constant battle against the current, especially if you want to be social and most of those people are going with the current you are trying to go against.  I just wish I knew more people who share these things.  I love all my current friends, almost none of who share the same beliefs, but long for the connection with other Faithful Catholics.  That’s why this blog/website has become so important for me, especially these weekly coffee talks.  Even if I don’t actually blog….I read it when time allows and feel less alone.  thanks again Diane and God Bless all the people on this blog today!

for all that “aren’t in the mood”.  Honestly it doesn’t matter.  There is what’s called the marital debt.  It is a serious obligation to give of ourselves in that area.  It is a grave sin (mortal if you know it’s a grave sin) to deny your spouse’s reasonable requests.  There are like 5 reasons that it’s ok not to - up to 6 weeks after having a baby (if there are healing issues beyond that - I’m sure that time is waived), insufficient privacy, serious possibility of miscarriage, other physical harm (ie. diseases), if the requesting spouse isn’t in their right mind (ie. drunk).
It has nothing to do with “faking” anything.  You are required to give your spouse their right as your spouse.
Just because you’re not in the mood, doesn’t mean you can’t willingly and cheerfully give to your spouse.  One of the main reasons for this is that you could be causing your spouse to sin.

Kelly,

Your absolutly right. I hope I didn’t come across as making light of your feelings.I do agree that these things can get sticky. I was just hoping to offer suport and got carried away with my own situation. We may be in different quarters but it seems we are in the same boat. God Bless !

Diane, I loved hearing your perspective!  It just conjured up more thoughts on the subject!  I truly appreciate the stories and wisdom that you and everyone have brought to these topics!  You never think anyone could be thinking/feeling the same things you are…but they are! ++

Re libido during breastfeeding, when I was nursing my first I read an article which indicated that for many women the breastfeeding hormones lowered libido but not the ability to enjoy.  So I try to remember to keep this in mind (and not automatically grump at my husband). It’s amazing the difference that just reminding myself not to look for reasons not to be in the mood can make.  I also try to work at being well rested, for example morning before the children wake up is a much better time then evening.

Re Birthdays, we consult the child on the meals (favorite supper for example) and birthday cake, the other siblings are taken to a dollar store to pick out presents (or sometimes they pick a gently used toy of theirs to give).  Also we often buy arts and craft gifts (a useful idea is to find a fun craft idea online, buy the materials and put together a kit-each of the sibling’s gifts can be part of the whole idea.) The homemade craft can also work as the ‘guest gift’ at a party, with each guest making and bringing home their craft.

Re homeschooling I use CHC as a base and modify as needed for each kid.  I also use some Seton material (such as their Art books).  As a Canadian I was going to be modifying any of the standard curriculums so I picked partly on how easy it was to swap out components.  I really like the CHC materials for the lower grades (and much of the middle school).  I REALLY like the grade one plans as there is a nice level of support. They also clearly distinguish between essential and non essential material, making it a good choice for family on a strict budget.

A site that I found very handy when starting out is http://www.love2learn.net with both advice and reviews for Catholics who are homeschooling.

I think that wanting to remain connected is quite reasonable. For extended family we do handmade cards, memory books or other things along those lines. My parents have requested a CD full of pictures for Christmases as something that will not take too much money and postage.  My mom’s family used to give gifts to nieces and nephews but now they collect money to buy animals for people in Third-world countries (they are all farming families).

Re: teacher
Glad to hear the scheduling conflict worked out.  Prayers for all to go well on Thursday.

On Your Baby Can Read, I have a demo video for that series and Wow!  The baby who can barely sit up recognizes words.  When she saw “laugh” on a card, she giggled.  It’s amazing!  If you’re interested, check it out on my website!

Also, for WORK AT HOME, you might consider looking into Usborne Books.  You can find that at my website:  http://www.LoveUsborne.com  No minimums, low start-up costs, excellent product (and you get to build a great library of educational books for your kids!)

This is about “not fitting in” (anon).  My entire life has seemed to be like this but, as I got older, I have almost set myself up for it.  My older children (all in their early 20s) went to school, but we foster newborns - usually drug withdrawal - so whilst our friends were moving into the latte set, we were still in nappies and no longer invited to the “cool” coffee mornings.  We adopted one of our babies - actually the adoption comes through next month, after 10 years, but he has aspergers and has had massive behavioural and emotional issues due to the severity of his abuse - so that has kept us very much on the fringe.  Homeschooling has been a partial answerr for me, by ds has kept us a little separated from the group.  Finally, we seek to lead a life devoted to Christ, and we know how alienating that an be.  I joined a Bible Study some years ago and I have finally found a home where I can be authentically me and loved profoundly.  I am still different - they are evangelical / I am Catholic; they are in their 30s / I have just turned 50;  they can’t wait to move on from their baby worries / I keep taking on other people’s babies, but we share a deep love for the Scriptures, we encourage one another and are conscious that we are called upon to live as aliens in this world for Christ’s sake.  If you are lonely, because you have chosen life that you think honours god, seek out those who do likewise and, with his help, you may just find your home.

RE:  Kids at your house all the time

We have the same situation here.  I have 7 kids under age 14 so there is someone here for everyone.  This is what works for us. Meal times and our 45 min. afternoon rest time (alone time for everyone) - all neighbors go home.  Period.  That way we have some family time alone.  I prefer the kids here so I can monitor them.  My rules are more stringent.  It’s important that my family comes first and if any of my kids is needing a break from the chaos I will send people home nicely.  We have lots of kids in our neighborhood and some are so quiet and well behaved I hardly know they are here.  Others, let’s just say I am aware of their presence every minute.  But, my house has become the place to be and as long as we have plenty of our own time I try to also allow “open house” type time as well.  And, some of these kids I will allow here but I will not allow my kids at their house due to constant daytime TV on etc.

I’ve been really struggling with the low libido while breastfeeding this time around too.

What helps me is to remember that while my hormones are being “weird” nothing has physically changed with my husband.  His desires should be met with love.

Doesn’t fix anything, but it’s also nice to know we are not alone.

RE:  Low libido during breastfeeding.  I found that once we got started it was fun and I enjoyed it.  My husband and I had quite a few laughs when my milk came squirting out at some inopportune times.  When life gives you lemons make lemondade!  (Or in this case milk!)

To the mom who struggled with her friend wasting food.  I felt sad for you losing this friend. Did you ever consider gently discussing it with her?  If you had been friends for along time at some point friendship has to allow for discussion on what bothers us.  Perhaps she grew up with a mom that forced her to clear a very full plate at every meal and never let her choose how much she wanted to eat and she has issues with it.  (I know I’m going out on a limb here…)  You do have vaild concern about wasting food for sure but before we separate from friends we should talk with them.  We all have different issues that we hold more than others in our family, perhaps another family would be deeply offended if you did or did not where your shoes in their house.

I’m sorry so many of you can not seem to find anyone close to you that you can share your faith with.  This is a real tragedy. However, don’t dismiss the people who are not quite there yet, even if they say they are done or whatever, God’s grace works at different times in other peoples lives and sometimes we are called to give more than we get.  I know this is hard if you feel like you have nothing to give, I’ve been there also.

Yes, I think the internet is good place for friendship but our kids need to grow up seeing how a community grows and supprots each other and if all our friendships are online then ti really limits our ability to do that.

As for not having sex with your DH on demand being a mortal sin, There is room for discussion there.  It is a very extreme view to embrace that theology.  Open the lines of comunication and pray for God’s grace.

To PM:
I totally agree with you! I have numerous friends who are not “there” in regards to the teachings of the Church or have a personal relationship with Christ, yet. But our example as Christians should be being Christ for others. I think that is such an important lesson to teach our children. We need to love all people, no matter their race, religion or creed, at the same time teaching our children what we as Catholic’s believe and why we believe.

PM I wholeheartedly agree with you on the mortal sin issue.  I cannot understand that way of thinking at all.  It is sad that some women feel they have to give s&x;on demand to their husband’s.  I don’t believe that was in God’s plan at all.

re: libidos and husbands

Tracy’s comment may not have been worded in the most open and encouraging way, but try to dig deeper and maybe something will speak to you.

When I first got married I was very interested in finding saints whose vocational path was marriage.  All the saints are great examples, obviously, but it’s nice to have married saints who more closely mirror our everyday lives- and act as a big reminder that our chosen vocation (marriage) is our path to holiness. 

I was very struck by the story of one saint in particular.  Her story was incredibly simple, and I don’t even remember her name.  But one of the reasons it listed as cause for her sainthood was that she never refused her husband their marital embrace.  I thought… psh, really?  That seems silly.  But man!  I have since learned that is quite the undertaking and quite the sacrifice of love. 

Maybe my husband wouldn’t want to know how often I think “sacrifice” and “path to holiness” when he wants to have sex (because I definitely don’t feel like it as much as he does), but it’s a start.  I’m an apprentice saint-hopeful, if you will.    Because sainthood should be a goal for every Catholic, in the sense that we get to heaven.

Sorry for the long-winded response that still doesn’t quite sum up what I mean, but I pray the Holy Spirit will transform these words into something more.

re: libidos and husbands

I really liked Lauren’s comments above here.  Frankly, I am a little surprised that some women look at their husband’s sexual advances as somehow oppressive and even think of their husbands as *demanding* sex just by needing and wanting it.  I understand that there are rocky marriages out there where marital intimacy may be complicated.  However, these are the men we have chosen to give our lives to.  We choose to love them and they choose to love us.  As devoted mothers, we will often drop what we are doing and embrace the needs of our children.  We will do what they need us to do to show our love, even when we often do not feel like doing it.  Why must it be different with our husbands, who we share a *Sacrament* with? 
I got pregnant with our first child 10 days after the wedding.  The next two came fast and furious and I have 3 children who are 4 and under, all born within 4 years.  That is a lot of pregnancy and breastfeeding.  I’m still breastfeeding.  I totally get that there are times that are difficult to say YES to a husband’s advances.  But I love him.  I know that, as a man, he needs physical intimacy to feel close to me.  I think it’s important to meet the needs of the person we are supposed to love the most in this world. 
What if our husbands flat out refused to do what we needed them to do to show his love?  For me, I need quality time and conversation.  It would break my heart if my husband implied, “Sorry, we can’t talk or spend time together.  We did that 3 days ago, remember?  I don’t listen on demand.”
Maybe there are marriages where husbands aren’t meeting the needs of their wives.  I’ve been there.  But sex isn’t something to withhold as if it were a prize for having all of our needs met.  The whole point is love.  Love is self-sacrificing.  Our Savior is the example of that on the Cross.

There is more than one way to be intimate with your husband.  Snuggling and hugs and talking and listening are also intimate.  I am upset that not one person who thinks that wives should not say “yes” all the time to marital “intimacy” said anything about the husband being considerate of the wives feelings.  A man who “demands” intercourse daily is pushing it.  I had 3 children in 3 years when I was first married.  My husband never “demanded” intimacy.  It is only natural that when you have young children you are tired and not always “ready”.  He fulfilled the need for intimacy in other ways by helping me out with housework, letting me take a nap etc.  I just feel that women should not be expected to be “submissive” to their husbands in a sexual way if they are physically exhausted.  A man can control himself.  Priests are celibate. A married man can be celibate for a few days here and there.  It angers me that some people feel men can have physical relations whenever they want, even if it means their wives too exhausted to even enjoy it.

I think you all made very thoughtful comments. I wholeheartedly agree that we should give to our husbands generously.  I can not remember the last time I denied my husband but he doesn’t demand that he needs to have sex once or twice a day which I know is what some men do.  We are also in tune with each other and respect each other’s needs.  We are also not at present carring for a baby or a toddler which is a very challenging time in married life.

There is a bigger picture in marriage we need to paint of love and sacrifice for both spouses.  Does my husband commit a mortal sin if he denies me sex because he has had a very hard week at work and is exhausted or is it only the wife who can commit the mortal sin in this area?

If there is not a fullness of love and sacrifice being expressed in the marriage then the mortal sin theology can easily turn abusive.

Throwing in the theology that we are commiting a mortal sin with specific regulations (only 5 or 6 of them?) for when we are allowed to say I am not able to tonight, is legalism and not within the teaching of the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

I recently read a post by a woman who had more than 10 children and was commenting on her husband’s refusal to use NFP to space their children or avoid pregnancy even though she really felt it was necessary.  From her post she felt that she clearly didn’t have a choice and that she may even be forced into it.  I don’t believe that this is living the fullness of God’s plan for married life.

I do understand and feel that there is a place for sacrifice in this area.

PM I loved your last post!  Thank You a hundred times over for your very thoughtful and realistic comments.

I was thinking about the married saint and the woman who did not deny her husband (ever?). Can you let me know who she is?  Did the rest of her married life resonate with what you would want for your married life living as a sacrament?

Or was she a saint because she put up with an abusive husband who never supported her in anyway?  But she perservered and did the best she could to follow God.  The sacrifice she endured made her holy.  In the end did her husband have a conversion because she had sex with him whenever he wanted? I do admire women who live in very difficult situations and follow God.  Some people give and never get anything in return for some this brings them closer to God for others it may not if they did not have a sense of self to give away in the first place.

But if we translate this into now,  is it always healthy in a marriage for a woman to never say “no”?  Given the many situations I see and can think of I would think it is not.

I do think it can be a way we can offer up a sacrifice for our husband.

I would just like to say from the perspective of someone who has been married for 12 years, works full time from a home office, and even with no kids ... saying “yes” to dear hubby EVERY DAY is difficult.

Especially when it’s 4am, and I went to bed 2 hours ago and have to be up in 2 hours. I’m a gal who needs at least 4-6 hours of sleep to function, and I admit that I am not the most gracious or sympathetic or giving wife from 2-6am when I’m bone tired and sleeping deeply.

Which usually means I am asking DH for forgiveness and making restitution later the next day, since I do believe that it’s God’s plan that I serve my husband, and due to my own will and shortcomings, I often fail.

Are there any of your readers out there that have had success with NFP?  And more specifically any of the new gadgets out there?  Such as the LadyComp?

I have trouble with the parameters being too difficult for taking temperatures: having at least 4 hours of un-interupted sleep, you can’t use NFP when nursing b/c your temperature will be off.

Without getting too personal, I really need to postpone another pregnancy.

I just really want to hear from a real person that it works. 

I have been very consistent with it at times and then for one reason or another miscalculate.  I have had 6 babies while using NFP (5 preganancies).  I have conceived on day 7 and 18.

I know I would feel so cut off from God if I used artifical birth control means.  So, I really want to do NFP, I am just scared to death of having another baby.  We’re having a difficult time managing our 7.  Actually, we’re just having trouble managing one of our seven. Which could be another CoffeTalk: what do you do with a kid who is constantly mean to others and rude no matter what you seem to do.  But, I digress..

I don’t want your readers to spout statisitics.  I want to hear from some real women who can say, ” Yes, I have used NFP to postpone pregancy for a number of years.”

The kids are ages 11 to 5mos.  I feel so blessed to have each and everyone of them.  They are so delightful.  I love them dearly.  But need a couple years off from birthing babies.

Thank you so much for your blog, it helps me laugh at life especially after a hard day.

It is obivious you are allowing God to work through you in this blog.  And Faith and Family couldn’t be more beautiful.

To momof 7 under 11:

I’m not sure if anyone is left to answer your post since it usually slows down after Tuesday. 

At catholicmom.com they have a specific forum for NFP questions and I bet you would get a lot of help over there.  I’m not sure if they changed their website name but I think that is what it was.

I don’t know if anyone is still reading this, but where does this idea that it is a grave sin to say no to one’s spouse’s request for intimacy come from?  I’ve searched “The Catechism of the Catholic Church” and “The Catechism of the Council of Trent” and neither of them mention it.  The closest thing I can find is in the supplement to the “Summa Theologia” and it isn’t even as strict as some of the above commenters.  Since this supplement was not written by St Thomas, it doesn’t really carry the same weight as the Summa and, even if it did, the Summa isn’t exactly infallible.

I ask because I had the idea that it was true early on in my marriage, although I’m not sure where I picked it up.  My husband let me know that he finds this idea abhorrent and neither of us can find anything to back it up.

Why aren’t husbands ever called to sacrifice and abstain?  This is what I don’t understand and I think that in large, it’s part of a post- Pill mentalitity (by men) who were raised to believe that a woman is available to have sex with whenever they want.

I think the fact that both women and men have to abstain points to the fact that NFP is God’s plan for families.

I recently became a grandmother for the 8th time. Our newest baby Peter is adorable. His mom has made a conscious decision to put him to sleep on his tummy not his back.  He is their third child and his sister and brother both slept on their backs.

As a retired pediatric nurse, I am very concerned and I’ve sent my son and daughter-in-law information from the American Academy of Pediatrics.
Do you young mothers follow “back to sleep”?  Do you have any suggestions for me? Kathy

OK, this comment is really late, but I just found this blog (love it!) and this post (love it too), and wanted to invite Karen in Florida to visit my website for some thoughts and ideas about making some extra money from home (my husband owns a construction company too God Bless!

Last February I moved out of my home because I could no longer deal with the stress of living (35 years) with a husband who has borderline personally disorder. Part of him refuses to believe there is anything wrong with him, while the other part says he is who he is and will never change. We tried counseling with a wonderful nun but got no where. We have 8 sons and I was always concerned about the effect our situation was having on them. Prayer,  determination to make the marriage work, and finances kept me in the marriage. But now I’m wondering where to go from here. Neither of us want a divorce, we are sincere about our marriage vows - “till death do us part”. Sometimes we get along fairly well, grocery shopping together, going out to eat, etc. No matter how well he treats me, I know I can never go back to the way things were. But I am so lonesome for the home I had. And I’m tired of living in this “limbo”. At 53 I didn’t want to start over. I work full time and home school my last four boys. It is quite a challenge and we aren’t doing so well. Is there anyone in a similar situation who would like to share advice or insight?

I am so tired of explaining to people that my children are not off from school I homeschool.  They give me that, Oh you do look. The best is my aunt asking my mom when we are sending our children back to regular school. This works for our family and parents are the first educators of our children.  I am just so tired.  I am trying to be a good Catholic at the same time.  Amy, my son has issues.  We are currently having him tested.  Family can be really rude about it too.  No one understands until you have a child that way.  I just keep giving up my crosses to Jesus.  He paid the ultimate cross.  Life is not easy, but the road to him is full of light.

To mom of 7: Yes, NFP does work and you can do it successfully when you are nursing. My husband and I were able to space most of our children naturally, I say most because this last one was a day 5 pregnancy and was quite a surprise. Although, we were not opposed, I wasn’t ready yet. But God had other plans. This was truly a blessing, because until our newest addition (a girl), we had all boys. 

You are correct in saying temperatures won’t work while you are nursing or at least they aren’t as accurate as they should be. Find someone who teaches NFP in your area and talk to them about the other charting signs. For me it was mucus and cervix checks that gave me the indication of my fertility. And it was pretty accurate, also ask about the most conservative rules and follow those strictly. If you and your husband are on the same page and work together to postpone then you should be o.k. But most of all, every month pray for God’s will, he won’t give you any more than you can handle!
God bless!

For the homeschooling question, I know it’s been answered in a lot of different ways, but when I was discerning I spent a lot of time questioning homeschool moms that used the curriculum, like what are the strong points and such. I came to understand that some of your discernment will hinge on what type of child you have, the sex of your child and how they learn best. I had a friend that used Seton for her girls, but could not for her boys because they just learned differently so she used Mother of Divine Grace. I was starting out with boys, so upon researching and reading that’s what I chose also and I love it. I love mostly all the reading, Laura Berquist has an awesome book list, all my kids are enjoying the reading. If you haven’t already, pick up a couple of books like, Designing your own Classical Curriculum by Laura and Catholic Homeschooling by (I can’t recall right now), but it’s by the Seton program and just read, talk around and pray. God will show you what program is best for you.

And for the women who feel out of place with big families. I pray that you will find someone that you can share your lifestyles with. We are so blessed in our community to have an awesome homeschool support group and to have lots of big families in our church parish. One reason that I would struggle with ever moving away is because my church parish is like my family and I love all my friends. One suggestion would be to seek out a Movement within the Church that you might be called to be a part of, big families with traditional views normally gravitate to these types of groups. Start a play group with Catholic virtues as an underlying theme, K4J is a good program. Sometimes we have to be the fire that comes out from under the bushel basket and lights the way for others. I have also found with my High Schooler and going to his activities, people love to talk about their kids and most time are fascinated with your children and just how you do that with so many kids? When you start sharing out of love, you would be amazed at what comes out of people’s mouths. One woman was shocked that I was pregnant for number five and after sharing with her she admitted to being one of five and how much she enjoyed growing up with so many brothers and sisters and how she had always talked about having a large family.  Don’t ever overlook the fact that you are a witness to God’s love to all who come in contact with you whether you know it or not!

To the mom in post number 103, thank you so much for your comment.  I just needed to hear from someone it actually works.  Everyone I know who uses NFP has tons of kids.

Dear sadie,
In post #101, you really struck a cord. I am younger with a very difficult husband as well as 7 boys.  I worry about the effect it will have on them.  I am praying for an increase in Meekness or Gentle Strength.  I am so excited about acquiring this virtue and asking for it in all my prayers especially after communion.  You have opened my eyes, perhaps my husband has a personality disorder.

Your very welcome, mom of 7!!

To mom of 7 of 11:
We had 5 children, all two years apart.  The last two were particularly difficult bedrest pregnancies.  We postponed pregnancy for 5 and 1/2 years using NFP and then we had Baby #6 - user error by far, but such an incredible blessing.  We just lost twins in Nov.  They were conceived on day 21 - very odd for my cycle.

THe advice from my Catholic OBGYN - RESPECT THE MUCOUS!  He says to forget the temperature and cervix check and just watch carefully every day for mucous signs when you wipe.  It takes some getting used to - remembering to look carefully each time - but it is far more palatable than checking the cervix! While doing this - don’t have relations in the morning and don’t have relations on consecutive days. 
The anxiety involved in delaying another pregnancy can be intimacy -killing.  Pray with your spouse, if he will, that God will guide you through this.  Perhaps the small book Trustful Surrender will help…and if you do conceive again get as much support as you can.  Feel free to email me directly ...NFP is beautiful and very difficult at times.

Just wanted to say “hi”. I have nothing to really talk about, I guess I complain enough on my blog.

I just like having Catholic-Mommy friends. The hardest part of being a home schooling Mom is the loneliness.

I am also 39 weeks pregnant today with our number 7, and I have been spending lots of time trying to kill time doing whatever that lets me sit around like a lump.

Oops, sorry. I read the above instructions about not forcing line breaks, said “ok” and totally forgot when I was typing. Please forgive me.

Just wondering if anyone else was appalled and offended by the Doritos commercials for the Super Bowl and if anyone knew how to voice a complaint that would actually get seen or heard?

Just checking to see if this works.

This covers 2 issues I’ve been reading:

1.  For the one who feels kinda “on the fringe” if I got the quote right:  I have and had the same feeling in different ways.  I married for the first time at 40 and was fortunate to have a beautiful healthy baby boy at 41.  Although I liked being single, I felt “on the fringe” as a single person for so long.  Thankfully, there is much support for families, who are together, apart or blended and their children.  But there is not much support for singles, let alone for Catholic singles.  There is alot of isolation. This is a “couple’s” world weather for dating or married.  In the workplace I was often the only one who was not married and Catholic.  I got along with but often felt “on the fringe” in conversations because I was not married and/or did not have children and was celebate.  And now I feel it again.  I’m happy with my husband and son but being an older mom, I don’t fit into the young women with children.  It’s probably likely I won’t have another child at my age.  There’s all this talk about having a sibling for him.  I’m scared due to my age, my energy and the age, health and job situation of my husband.  It bothers me just for my son’s sake not to have a sibbling closer in age than my almost 14 year old step son who only sees him on weekends.  But every month I ask God to help me trust him to do his will. The trick is to be happy in whatever place we are in life and do our best in that place.  It’s a good place to be in when we search or go to another phase in our life.

2. As far as NFP goes.  It has worked for us.  We did take classes from trained people.  The very first month we used it try to conceive it worked.  It also does enable the wife to want to fulfill his needs when she “gets a break.”  Done right, NFP can enable couples to grow, learn and appreciate each other as individuals and their needs not just in the bedroom