Are there any family risk factors that would mean her daughter’s health is even more strongly at stake than typically with oral contraceptives (or, if not, just sharing about rising risks the longer one is on the pill)?  That might help her frame it as part of a conversation about concern for her dd’s health, which might be easier for a teen to hear than a conversation about the state of her soul.
Also, ToB for Teens is really good.  If her dd is open to reading that (by Jason and Crystalina Evert and Damon Owens), it might help.  It frames things in terms of experience and what we as humans really want - not just a list of rules to follow, but a life of love.  Which also reminds me of the “quiz” in an article in this month’s Magnificat, “The Preference Test” by Fr. Richard Veras.  That doesn’t have a lot to do with this specific question, but might also be a good starting point for helping dd think about what she is really looking for and trying (but not succeeding) to find in sexual relationships.
Also, if the mom is having trouble with this bringing up issues from her own past, counseling for her might be in order so she is able to be objective about this situation (and any others that might arise) and see what is really going on with her dd as well as herself.  As long as she has a good counselor, that can be hugely helpful.

My Husband and I have taught upper Middle/HighSchool CCD for almost a decade now.  I do know what this mom is going through as I counsel these precious souls in class time.  Unfortunatly I only have one hour a week, so seeking the most impact in shortest time is important.  If it were not for God’s work through us, we would not be able to plant these seeds.  First we ease them into TOB by using the Holy Trinity as model of perfect family then show it’s Earthly counterpart as God’s plan for us.  This is straight from Baltimore Cat 2.  We discuss what love is as I write their off the cuff responses, sometimes I use this to get their attention before HT example.  We then refer back to God making us male and female and we make a list of generalized qualities of what is male and female to show the difference and goodness in the two being different.  We then jump to Jesus/Male/Groom as Church/female/Bride.  By using Jesus as our guide to life and perfect love, we reevaluate the list of what is love.  This leads to expressions of love and marriage.  My husband will put Masking tape on his arm and have someone rip it off then repeat to show the class an example of the physical bond God created, the imprinting of the other person on our mind/heart through the marital act.  If you split from this person it 1. hurts and 2. doesn’t stick as much the next time.  We explain the purpose of marital love it 1. procreation and 2. imprinting/bonding.  We explain the security in marriage to fully give and receive of the other that is not there if there is no marriage.  We show how contriception breaks this bond by not accepting and receiving of the other person.  Sometimes depending on age/maturity/understanding explain how making it about physical enjoyment and not the way God intended breaks down the family and becomes a selfish act degrading to the other person involved.  If time allows, we go into protecting oursleves through modesty and purity of mind.  Also, check out Blimeycow on youtube, he has great videos for youth on getting the right guy to like you and how to get the girl to like you.  Hope this helps.  It is heart wrenching to see society leading these children at a younger and younger age, well before they can maturly handle/understand it all.

Another good resource by Chrystalina Evert is Pure Womanhood. She discusses her own sexual relationships and how she came to see the beauty of chastity. If it were my daughter I would discuss the danger of the pill as well as the danger of sex partners this early. Any guy she sleeps with is potentially carrying something from his past partners. it’s like playing russian roullette (sp?). I will keep this mother and daughter in prayer.  I was a willful teenager once. I know how reluctant they are to hear mom’s wisdom.

Thanks for these great suggestions—please keep them coming to help the mom in question.

I once had a mom say she spoke of sex to her kids using the analogy of an iPod.  The iPod works the way the manufacturer intended if you ‘follow the directions’ but if you try to use your iPod while swimming, for example, it’s not going to work so well.  Certainly one has the freedom to chose to do that but it isn’t designed to work that way.  I’m not sure if it’s the best analogy and maybe you might think of a way to phrase it better but I thought it at least made sense and might help.

It may also help if the teen has a role model (other than mom) who shares these values who might be able to share some insight.  Maybe a young woman in their parish, an aunt, a family friend.  Not that you as a parent don’t want to be having these conversations yourself, you should, but having Catholic values affirmed by someone else can help reinforce what is going on at home.  Maybe a family she can babysit for?  One with a cranky baby or active toddler?  Sometimes that is enough to make a teen think twice! 

I also think sharing the facts about oral contraception are important.  That it doesn’t protect against disease, it can lead to an early abortion, and it can even result in a pregnancy.  The truth is the truth and if the mom can at least start there it might open up a door to a conversation about why the Church teaches why it teaches.  That it’s not about controlling people’s lives or infringing on freedom but giving people the ability to love freely.  Some of the books the previous posters mentioned do a great job of this.

And also, if you ever have the chance to see Jason Evert speak, go!  He is amazing.  He spoke at our school once and I know a bunch of seeds were planted that day.  Good luck and you will have an army of moms praying for you!

I agree with Mommygal, when I was a teen I couldn’t have cared less about the morality of sex and the Church’s position on it.  I also knew what the Church taught and I ignored it.  I think the problem is we as adults think that just by giving the child some information, that child is going to do an about face and all of a sudden “get it” and immediately change her ways.  It just might take years and as a parent, I would pray for guidance for the long view.
I would spend as much time with my daughter as possible and work on my relationship with her.  Is she in love with someone?  I would encourage her to find other interests - it might be too late to join a team or a club at school, but a little forced separation might do wonders.  Above all, I would approach this from a message of love - sometimes when teens fall in love what they really need iand want is companionship and friendship from their parents and family.  That’s what I would focus on.

This is so tough because everyone is different. Personally, I remember my mom telling me if I was going to be sexually active, at least be safe about it.  I knew she believed it was wrong, but I still took this as “permission.”  I also knew the Church said it was wrong, but I was never taught all the “whys” of these teachings, nor the spiritual realities of it.  I do remember that what my dad said was helpful, when he told me that if I was sexually active, that was already sin, but if I was contracepting I was sinning twice.  He did this in a loving way, so his concern for me came through, and had a much better effect on my choices.  I know my mom’s response came out of concern for the physical issues, especially since she’s a nurse, but I believe it was the wrong response.  I did care about my faith, too, so that was definitely a factor for me as far as what made an impact.  If a teen is already rebelling against any type of “religion” a discussion of the spiritual nature of the issue may not get through.  With my own kids, I have talked about sexual issues with them openly from the time they were young, and we have made certain books required reading for them.  Among the books are “Arms of Love,” by Carmen Marcoux, a novel which beautifully addresses the concept of chastity and is also a great read.  Also, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” by Josh Harris, which isn’t Catholic, but is written from a Christian Perspective.  If a teen is already sexually active, or on the verge, I would highly recommend “And the Bride Wore White,” by Dannah Gresh, a Christian writer.  This one is a little heavy for a teen who isn’t at that point, IMO, but I would highly recommend it as a read for Moms, because it has a lot in it that you can take and use in conversations with your daughter.  Bob Gresh, Dannah’s husband, wrote one for boys, too, called “Who Moved the Goalpost?” I would have the exact same comments about that one.  I also found “The Good News About Sex and Marriage,” by Christopher West to be a good one, and it is organized in a Q & A format by topic, so this could also be good as far as teaching your teens about what the Church teaches, and as a springboard for further discussions about the “whys” of these teachings. If your teen is totally anti-religion I still think a discussion like Mommygal suggests would have a good impact, and also the whole talk about the health impacts of oral contraceptives being linked to cancer and other physical issues, as well as their abortifacient nature.  Other than that, it is just prayer, prayer, prayer.  Also, I don’t know the age of the teen in question, but if she is still under 18, she is not too old to be limited in terms of where she goes (and with whom) outside of school.  One of my teens was severly limited for quite awhile after betraying our trust regarding “dating” rules.  Lots of discussions and prayer going on in our house!  One last thought:  even if I don’t think my teen will be open to what the church teaches, it is still my responsibility to let them know those teachings.  They may not respond the way we want, but the information will be there as part of their conscience, and we will have fulfilled our obligation to teach them the truth.  At that age they are old enough to be told that we are fulfilling the parental responsibility given to us by God when we have this conversation, and that they can then make their choices based on having all the information.

i have been talking to my three oldest kids all in highschool now. and my 10 year old now in elem school. I have seven other kids and they are all in middle or elem school…adopted 2 years ago. Of my four first children, have talked about it since they were babies and told them not until they were married. I know, but that was my stance. They faught me every step of the way, but i held out for loves first kiss. fast forward to now…my oldest son and my 10th grade boy swear to me that they have not engaged in sex, however, from what they say i fear they may have adopted the world view that other things don’t matter and may be engaging in sexual activities…my 17 year old says on facebook she is 17, never been kissed and proud. my 10 year old told me that she gave loves first kiss away in kindergarden…a couple of times, sigh. i am totally overwhelmed about what to do about the other 7 who were raised in a much different way than we raised our first, and even that is a crap shoot. sooooo hard to know what to do but always better to be able to talk. PP is in every school curriculum. be careful and try to have an open relationship and always try to be there for them.

Different things speak to different people.  Even with laying out the TOB, it might help if you can back it up with scientific evidence showing how God’s plan is best and the alternative is truly dangerous.  For example, even in the secular publication the Journal of Sexual Medicine, it is advised that: “it is important for physicians prescribing oral contraceptives to point out to their patients potential sexual side effects, such as decreased desire, arousal, decreased lubrication and increased sexual pain. Also if women present with these complaints, it is crucial to recognize the link between sexual dysfunction and the oral contraceptive and not to attribute these complaints solely to psychological causes.”

Plus, there is a documented connection of the aging of the cervix, increased bone density loss increased in cervical cancer risk of those taking birth control.  All that is on top of what everyone else shared as the physical consequences.  It’s pretty serious stuff.

I think many parents feel like hypocrites if they tell their children to not have sex if they themselves were sexually active as teens.  I hope to pass on knowledge learned from my own mistakes, not just in this area but in other things like money management and how-not-to-get-ripped-off-by-the-slick-salesman.  Having sex before marriage is a path of regrets (so is owing tens of thousands of dollars to student loans).  I don’t think our children need to find their own way and learn from their own mistakes, not if there are loving parents to strongly dissuade them from poor choices.  Conversations with a teen need to focus on the physical consequences of their actions - not just pregnancy and STDs, but the emotional impact as well: lowered self-esteem, depression, reliance on a boyfriend for self-worth.  Volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center might be an eye-opening experience if a teen could meet other young women who are living out the consequences of their actions.  Plenty of girls are convinced that their boyfriend really does love them, or that pregnancy was unlikely if she takes the pill, or she trusted him to sue a condom or whatever.  Realizing that very few of the women in these centers are married, or if they are, they are often battered, might help her to see that waiting for Mr. Right is a much better choice.

Chris Stefanik speaks about chastity and how to build chastity in a way in which kids can listen and relate.  He works for the Archdiocese of Denver as the Director of Youth, Young Adult, and Campus Ministry.  His audios and videos are available at:

http://www.chastity.com/research/audio/video-vault/audiovideo-vault
We have listened to his talks in the car, and the kids don’t want to get out of the car until his talks are over.  He covers the whole range of things from std’s to authentic love, in a humorous and compassionate way.

This family is in my prayers as they work through this difficult and common challenge.

If your daughter is anything like me, this is what I needed to hear:  You are worth so much more than what you’re being sold and told.  You are better than those low standards of contemporary culture.  You *are* hot, you are beautiful, you are desirable.  And if anyone really comes to know and love and desire you, that’s a good thing. 

But do you want someone to love you wildly, fully and all his life?   Then they should be willing to crawl on their hands and knees on ground glass for you.  They should want to give up everything for you.  “If you like then you shoulda put a ring on it”  That’s what that means.  He will want to give up his whole self and his future and gift it to you; the symbol of that is a big, fat diamond and the meaning behind that is a token of your worth.  You are worth SO much more than the world would have you believe!  Hold out for the best.  He’s out there.  Yes, think *that* highly of yourself.  If you don’t, he won’t.  And you deserve someone who does.  

I didn’t have time to thoroughly read every response above, so I hope I’m not repeating someone else’s thought.  There’s a great counselor on Ave Maria Radio, Dr. Coleen Kelly Mast.  She has a radio show that you can call in, and she specializes in these issues.  She also has a website: http://www.sexrespect.com/  I would also suggest to this mom that she persevere in applying whatever the Holy Spirit leads her to do, in a loving way.  It’s very hard to be a young person in our world today.  And many young ladies have a journey very like her daughter’s, but go on to be faithful wives and great mothers.  Yes, it’s harder if you’ve been unchaste in the past.  There’s so much heartache when you find yourself older, a mother, with a great husband, and your memory flashes back to the actions of the past.  The devil LOVES to make you live in the past and live out your whole life kicking yourself.

This mom knows her daughter’s personality best, so she should read carefully and use what will work for her daughter.  She should read/watch/listen to any materials first, because she wants to be able to answer questions and because she will know if there is an automatic turn-off in otherwise good materials.
For my older daughter, much to my surprise (she is not religious), “I Kissed Dating Good-bye” appealed to her.  She didn’t pay attention to the “God” content, but she understood wanting to put her energy into other endeavors and not be distracted by relationships.  For my younger daughter, Christopher West’s “Good News about Love and Marriage” worked best - at 14! - because she saw it as a “yes” explanation rather than a negative.  I would also recommend the Everts and Molly Kelly, if you can find her videos.
One story to add to others about side effects of the Pill.  My husband is a neurologist.  Four days a month he leaves his usual job and drives six hours to serve at a remote rural hospital.  He is the only neurologist for some distance in every direction.  Every month he comes home with a story about a patient - always a young woman - whose intractable migraine headaches are caused by the Pill.  Even if this particular girl is not suffering from headaches, does she really want to take a medicine strong enough to cause this and other problems, all to make her body NOT work properly?  If she is interested, she can look up the Women’s Health Initiative studies on hormone replacement therapy, which documented the multiple negative effects of a much weaker dose of the same steroid hormones found in the Pill - so many and so strong that the study was discontinued.  There have been several attempts to discredit the WHI, but they are just trying to muddy the waters for political reasons. 
It’s the same argument as my generation’s parents used against marijuana:  if you don’t want to put chemicals in your food, why do you want to put them straight into your body?
Good luck and God bless to this mom and her family.

If the mom is willing, it might be helpful for her to bring up her past life.  In a vague or specific way—whatever she thinks would be helpful, whatever she is comfortable with.  It means a lot to hear someone you trust say “I didn’t wait for marriage, and boy am I sorry.”  It could also open up communication between them a little—then the teen could be reassured that the mom would never disown her, because she was there at one point in her life too.  And she would realize that her mom has been through exactly the same things and can really relate to her.

I am a chaste single who happens to be receiving Creighton Model NFP instruction.  I remarked to my instructor yesterday that when my daughter comes of age, I’m going to teach her to chart.  On the one hand, she would then know when she was post-peak and infertile, so if she wanted to her sex without getting pregnant, she could easily do it.  BUT, it seems like so many teens and even adult women who are sexually active DON’T want to be, and do it because of peer pressure.  I would hope that once my daughter was empowered to know the wonder of her own body, that she would have the dignity to resist that kind of pressure.  So, not knowing the circumstances the original poster is facing, I wonder if along with a discussion of the dangers of the pill, if a discussion of NFP might be useful.  Yes, stopping the sex is a priority, but so is getting off the Pill, because both can change that girl’s life irreparably :(

I’ll try to be as short as I can here.  A few points:  when sexual conversations arose between my mom and me, she told me, “I will not tell you whether I was a virgin when I married your dad or not.  If I say that I was, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t come talk to me if you have sex.  I ALWAYS want you to talk to me.  Yet if I tell you that I did have premarital sex, I don’t want you to feel somehow that it gives you ‘permission’ to make the same mistake I did.  So I will never tell you whether I was or not.  I will tell you what the Church teaches and why I think it is a good idea to wait…”  This was a great response and helped me know that the door was always open with my mom, no matter what happened.  Very wise.  Next point - I helped a guy friend teach teens about TOB.  These teens were all totally popular, good-looking, “in-crowd” type of teens - and sexually active.  My friend asked them what they hoped for later on in life, in terms of marriage, etc.  They all expressed interest in marrying and having a family someday.  Then my friend asked them point blank: “Is the sex you are having now, going to help you reach that goal of a long marriage and having a happy family someday?”  None of those teens could look him in the eye and say that it was.  It was absolutely the most powerful moment in my four years of youth ministry.  So this mom can talk to her daughter about her hopes for the future.  When she outlines this question in terms of her daughter’s goals and future plans, her daughter likely will discover the truth on her own.  Next point: what helped me was the realization I came to on my own, that I had crushes on boys in high school, but I knew I would love my future husband SO incredibly much more.  The thought that I had sex already, and could not give that gift away to him, was a what helped me to steer clear.  I also think of virginity as I do my soul, in a way.  Giving your virginity away is like giving your soul to someone, almost.  The very most inner, vulnerable part of yourself.  Once it’s given, it can never be returned.  It is the pearl of great price - worth saving for someone who deserves it!  Last point: what turned my opinion on birth control was a guy that I dated being excited about NFP, and he told me, “We all know there are health risks with birth control pills.  It’s proven.  If I married you and loved you that much, how could I ask you to take a pill that could hurt you, just so I could have sex with you whenever I wanted?  How would that be a loving husband?” And that hit me as truth - that he valued me enough to put his own desires aside for the benefit of my health - and he wasn’t even my husband!!  This mom should take her daughter to an NFP class.  I love, love NFP and love knowing what my body is telling me.  It shoudl be taught in all sex ed classes - womens’ bodies are beautiful and wonderfully created by God, yet we abuse them with birth control pills instead of recognizing how amazing they are.

I agree with most of what you say, E.  However, I think there is a bit of danger in this particular case in focusing too much on virginity.  It seems that ship has sailed for this teen.  If she gets the impression that it is the ‘first’ time that is the most important, then what is to stop her from continuing to have sexual relationships with either that same person or with other people.  If she already knows she won’t give that ultimate gift of love to her husband, they why stop now?  Don’t get me wrong, I completely agree with you!  However, I don’t think that should be the focus of conversation for this particular mother/daughter.