For years my husband traveled extensively when my children were small.  Our solution was hiring outside help.  We had a live in au pair when our third and fourth children arrived.  Then as they got older, I found a part time nanny who also drove.  I found that as long as I had someone who could come a few hours a day I was able to keep it all together.  We sacrificed greatly to have outside help, but we knew that it wouldn’t last forever.  I don’t have any help anymore (my youngest child is in first grade) and I am happy to just do it all on my own.  But I can now.

Wow, you’re really blessed, Arwen!  In our 7 years of marriage my husband has never had a typical job schedule…from youth ministry nights, pro-life work’s weekend events, being a full-time student studying, working weekend nights while in school, to now working a normal job but having a commute home of at least 1.5 hrs…and sometimes doing a second job on the weekend evenings…It’s become “normal” for me. 

A friend of mine just blogged about how she’s used to her husband always being home for the evening crazies…dinner, bath, and bedtime for her 4 young children.  He was out for one evening and she couldn’t believe she survived!

For me, I’ve just gotten used to doing those things on my own.  Sometimes I call a friend or spend some time online to “get away” from the craziness for awhile.  I also have regular mom’s nights with my homeschool group and regular daytime activities to get out of the house.

Most importantly though, I think it’s just recognizing God’s goodness in having my husband’s job in the first place, and realizing there are always people who have it worse than me.  When in desperation, I try to think about all those single moms I know, or those moms whose husbands are serving our country overseas.  How they survive it all, I’m sure only through God’s grace because I’m not sure I could do it.

And I realize I really don’t have it that bad at all.

My husband currently works out of town about 2/3 of the time- he will be gone two or three weeks (sometimes longer) and then home a week or two before leaving again.  We live in a remote area and there are no local jobs; we’ve been doing this for over two years now.  We have six children ages 13 down to 1 (we also homeschool), and I have no outside help at all- not even neighbors close by.

How do I do it?  Honestly… a lot of the time I don’t do it well.  Prayer is number one, and organization is number two.  Even on the worst of days I have to make sure to keep up with prayers, laundry, and dishes, even if everything else is let go.  I try to maintain a clutter-free environment in our home and streamline our housework routines as much as possible.  I expect (and receive) help from all the children according to their ability.  I look to my online community for support, inspiration, and encouragement, but I have to be vigilant about restricting my computer time and not letting it take over.  I also make the effort to not be distracted when on the phone with DH.  That is our one connection when he’s gone, and it is important to make the most of that time.  The children and I get in a routine when hubby is gone and that makes the time go by easier.  When he is home, we savor each and every moment.

If you are able to be a blessing to a mom whose husband is often away, here is what I recommend.  Call her regularly, just to chat.  Offer to babysit so she can run errands without bringing the children along.  Even better, offer to babysit when her husband is home and let them go out!  If you have children for hers to play with, invite them over or meet them at the park.  For me at least, two things are the hardest- having to take all the children with me everywhere I go and not having regular, real-life interaction with other adults.

My husband is the youth minister for our parish, meaning lots of weekends, nights, and even overnights.  I admit I often feel like a single parent, b/c of how much he is away.  We made the decision to buy a house blocks from the church so that he could come home for quick dinners before evening meetings, & sometimes we walk down the street & bring him lunch.  Those brief moments with him make all the time apart much more bearable.  Also, I have a regularly scheduled girls night on an evening he regularly has a meeting. Some friends put their kids to bed & then come over for coffee and chatting; it really helps me to not feel so isolated at night.

My husband is a high school teacher with an hour commute.  He is out of the house by 5 am and usually doesn’t come home until between 5-8 pm depending on if he has to stay for parent teacher conferences, tutoring, etc.  When he does get home (and on the weekends), he has grading and lesson planning to do.  I am supportive of him and his work because he loves it and because it enables me to stay home, but I must admit that there are many days that I feel like a single mom.  I try to get through it by relying on family and friends for support.  Visiting people always makes me feel better.  I know it is not the most money friendly option, but I also try to run a couple of errands every day.  Just that small amount of time out of the house makes me feel refreshed and ready to tackle the rest of the day.

My husband is an executive who leaves at 7:30 a.m. and returns around 7:30 p.m., only to do some more work from 9:00-11:00. For the last 6 weeks however, he’s been working from 6:00 am. to midnight (or later), so it’s been extra crazy. I’m mostly use to it and try to just go with the flow.  I figure we’re both sacrificing, but in different ways.  I’m bored and he’s stressed.

Something that helps me is working out before he leaves for work which helps my energy & attitude. And, like the first poster, I’m fortunate that I can afford to hire some outside help.  I have cleaning people every two weeks (or more if necessary), regularly hire sitters and have room in the grocery budget to get take out food if I’m really burned out. I’ve also hired people to clean gutters, rake leaves and other hubby chores, so he’s free to hang with us on the weekends. I make sure to attend a weekly evening bible study by myself.  Otherwise I just bring the kids everywhere. Daily we talk or e-mail a lot - probably 6-8 times - another way to keep connected.

We have a regularly scheduled sitter most Friday nights to help us reconnect.  We don’t usually have formal plans, so we often just go out for a cheap dinner or a glass of wine.  He’d probably prefer to stay at home and drink a glass of wine, but after my week, I need to get out, alone, with him.  (Our confessor really urged my husband to make sure that he & I went out away from the house together weekly or at least every other week.  I agree!) 

5 years ago my husband was laid off and it was a really difficult time for us.  I am grateful for his job - especially when so many are without work right now.

Since this is a temporary thing for you, I think the thing is to make it through in one piece.  Lower—no, slash!—your expectations and do only what you need to do to run the house, feed people, love people, etc.

Set those elaborate holiday plans aside for another year.  If you try to plow ahead and go all-out anyway, you will regret it (trust me!) 

Now is also the time to schedule enjoyable play dates or get togethers with other moms—if that is enjoyable for you, that is.  By day 5 or so of a long stretch of work for my husband, I knew I needed some fellowship and a sense of solidarity with friends in the same boat.  Their positive attitudes were infectious.

Whether it’s temporary or not, what I am able to see in hindsight is that God uses everything for our benefit.  Even us being alone/away from our husbands.  So perhaps you might think about what the spiritual lesson might be for you in the upcoming weeks…letting go?  praying/fasting more for your husband? 

I look back on my dh’s back to back 12 hour nightshifts with nostalgia, because I remember how much growth I experienced as a wife & mother.  Now I feel like I’m running the household (instead of the house running me!) during this dayshift, long hours schedule he’s got now.

To be corny, make this your motto: “Keep it simple.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  It’s all small stuff.” You’ll do fine!

I married my husband after his first year of medical school. That was more than six years ago. He is STILL in training. His hours are often long and unpredictable (the unpredictable part is what drives me the most crazy; he usually can’t call until he’s on his way home, so I never know if we should wait for him for dinner or just eat without him).

What’s really challenging for me is I don’t feel like I can ever complain when he gets called in to the hospital or has to stay late - even when dinner is sitting on the table and my children and I are waiting for our dad/husband to be home with us. He has bigger responsibilities outside of us. People’s lives are sometimes quite literally depending on him. I have to know that there will be times when we has to leave us to help another family - not always easy for an imperfect human like myself to accept!

But as I recently wrote about here , whenever I’m tempted to throw myself a pity party, I think of military families and how much respect I have for them. Not only are their spouses often gone for months (sometimes over a year!) at a time, but their loved ones are also risking their lives. Talk about sacrifice!

I also, like some of the other people who have commented, find that prayer always helps. Likewise, I have a lot of interests to keep me busy on those on-call nights when my husband is away (this gives me time to write, read, exercise to DVDs, blog, knit, etc.). Of course, when is he is home, I make him the focus of my attention, and we all try to value our time together as a family. Now that my oldest just turned 4, my husband tries to plan occasional daddy-daughter dates with her when he’s been working long hours. She also often sleeps with us, which he loves since he often gets home past her bedtime.

Finally, I’ve had to learn to not be afraid to ask for help. This has been an ongoing challenge for me since I’m not good at humbling myself or accepting my own limitations. We are blessed to now live fairly close to family, and there have been times when I’ve asked someone to stop by to play with kids for an hour or so just so I can have some downtime. It used to feel like a guilty indulgence, but now I realize these “breathers” help me to be a better mom, even when Dad can’t be called in to offer reinforcement.

When Daddy is home, we never take it for granted. He’s such an amazing dad. He’s able to leave work at the hospital and to focus on his girls. We are so thankful for his strong work ethic, his chosen career, and his dedication to his family.

I do think all wives face their own set of challenges - whether their husband works long hours outside of the home or not.

God bless!

I think the previous commenters have offered great suggestions!

My husband is a physician, and he works long and, even more frustrating to me, unpredictable hours.  I am a born scheduler, and when I count on having his help with something in the home and then he calls from the hospital saying that he is there with a patient in labor . . . well, let’s just say that I can be less than gracious about it

He is also a Navy veteran, and we have spent long hours apart due to the military.  He was also called up for a year as part of the Navy reserves—not a fun year on the whole! 

I echo what has been said before me:  I try to stay very organized.  I have a cleaning schedule (eg: Monday is floor washing day), and I know people tease me about it, but if I don’t schedule it then I have the stress of not getting it done.  I do laundry every day—a full load, from start to fold to putting it away.

I have the kids help me as they are able, and I do get out of the house once a week.  The day and time varies, but I still go out for an hour or two alone.  I look forward to that

But most of all, I pray to be grateful.  Grateful that my husband is HERE, grateful that he has a good job that allows me to stay home with my children, grateful that he is an appreciative man who compliments the work I do in our home, grateful for healthy children. 

Gratitude is the key.  Whenever I’m tempted to feel sorry for myself, I think of how I feel when I’m sick and I need to see my doctor right away. 

As for ways that others can help a mom who’s without her husband often . . .  one of the biggest helps is just listening!  I’ve passed many afternoons in my friend’s kitchen while our kids played together.  We don’t stay long, but it helps to break up the day.  I find that late afternoons and weekends are the worst, since that is often when we encounter the most unstructured time.  A chat goes a long way.

Another good idea is to take one of her kids for a playdate.  Even getting one child out of the house sometimes help to make the mess manageable! 

Or offer to watch the kids so that she can go grocery shopping alone.  That’s a relatively short time committment that would be a great help.

Don’t be afraid to offer or ask, because I know for myself I don’t like to always ask for help with the kids while my husband is away.  I don’t want to be a nuisance.  But I will happily take some help when it is offered.

Aimee, you are so right.  Gratitude is the key.  I have a neighbor who has three young children and a husband who travels.  I’ve tried to help her out by watching her children and having them over for dinner.  But I had to stop.  It was one non stop pity party.  Nobody had it as bad as she did, nobody’s husband traveled as much as hers did, nobody ever had a toddler that didn’t sleep through the night.  Nobody ever had to wake up a sleeping toddler to pick up a sibling at school, etc.  There was never a thank you or a return invite.  So after a couple of times, I decided that it wasn’t worth it.  The fact of the matter is, she has a husband who loves her, a beautiful house, three healthy children and enough food on the table.  But all she wants to do is complain.

Phillip doesn’t travel and only works long hours once or twice a month, but he ALWAYS has something to do at home. Something to check, something he didn’t finish, something he has to do when everyone else is off the system… GRRR. As much as I would like to be sweet and saintly about it, it’s easier and more fun to be short tempered and irritated. I’ve drastically altered my expectations though (I used to be WAAAAAAY worse) and it’s not like he WANTS to work this much. And then I think about military families I knew growing up and OH DEAR GOD HOW DO THEY DO IT?

My husband just got a promotion over the summer.  The added salary and vacation days are amazing, but unfortunately, he has to travel more.  He’s always had to do some traveling, but never the amount that he has to do now.  He was gone for almost half of October.  It’s hard.

I cope by just coping.  I get up a little earlier so that I can feed the dog and take him out for his early morning poop.  I make my lunch the night before so that I have time to dress our son (who is usually dressed by my husband while I make my lunch).  I come home from school in the middle of the day to let the dog out.  I multi-task.

I don’t know what we’ll do when I hit clinics in January and my schedule will be waaaay too hectic to allow me to come home in the middle of the day for the dog.  Hire a dogwalker, I guess.  We’ve already got a babysitter on retainer, but it’s hard to keep someone lined up when you’re never really sure when you’ll need them.

I think for me the hardest part isn’t the day-to-day running of the house when he’s gone.  It’s the inability to hand over parenting responsibility for a few minutes.  I usually hungry and tired when I get home from picking Eamon up from daycare, and it’s not my best time of day.  When my husband is home, he takes over while I make dinner.  When he’s not home….suffice it to say a lot of TV gets watched and there may be more yelling than usual….

I have to say, that ppl who just offer companionship are what keeps me sane.

Lower your expectations. The house doesn’t have to be perfect. If the shower only gets cleaned every other week (when it doesn’t even look dirty) who cares? The kids certainly don’t.  My kids wouldn’t care if they ate chicken nuggets every night (we don’t) but I don’t have to plan fancy dinners, kwim?

Older kids can be taught to pick up the slack. My oldest ds (11) vacuums, dusts and unloads the dishwasher. He can even do mac and cheese and spaghetti. He cleans his own room. He takes care of the trash, you get the point.

Ds7 spot cleans the bathrooms sinks and toilets. He sweeps, he rakes, he shovels. You get the point.

Logistically it is much easier when the kids are older. But mentally, it is heartbreaking to watch my boys. 6th grade is a horrible year for a boy to not have his dad.

To those of you who have offered to help those moms around you whose dh’s can’t be around as much, God Bless you.

Jersey Girl: It sounds like the mom that you were helping is very overwhelmed. I know how I feel if I’ve not had good sleep. You might have been the only one who offered any help to this mother.  I am sure she is grateful for her dh’s job, but sometimes, when you are in the trenches, trying to hold everything together when your support (logistical, physical and worst emotional) is gone it is hard to see the daisies through the poo.  You might have been the only one she could talk to.  And I would bet that if she is feeling that overwhelmed with her own things, she certainly couldn’t take on anymore from others right now. But maybe someday, she can repay it. Maybe not to you, but pay it forward.

I am in the 5th month of my dh being gone to Korea for a year. I try not to complain. I try to focus on the fact that he has a job in this economy, that we have a roof over our heads, our health, that he will be back in a year.  I pray for the grace and the faith to get me through. But I am numb. My heart is gone and I just go through the motions of things that need to be done.

I am not sharing any of this as a poor me. I have friends that have lost their spouses in the past year, and I at least have the comfort of knowing that he’ll be back.  So when I feel like I just can’t go anymore, I offer up my frustration for those who have lost their spouses, or those that are single moms or for the unborn. I am sharing these thoughts to let people know that the smallest gestures, a welcome invite, helping with the kids, just an ear and adult conversation can go a LONG way in keeping sane.

I am embarsassed to even share these things. Ppl have said to me, “oh I could never do that” or “I just don’t know how you manage” or “Oh you’re such a hero’. Umm NO! Hardly. I am just doing what needs to be done for our family to survive.

Prayer for survival and grace. But without DH, both are sometimes elusive.

So again, to those of you that so generously offer your kid watching services or a dinner or a chat over tea: YOU are the heroes!  You may never know how much your gestures mean to one who is trying to hold it all together.

God Bless,
Tracy

We have gone through stages in our life where my husband worked longer hours and others where my husband was gone for weeks or months at a time. 

Personally, I find it more challenging to have him home but working longer hours.  When he is gone for stretches of time, I do better because I know I have to, that I cannot rely on him so I better have a plan! 

The first time he was going on prolonged absence, I talked to my dear military friends for their advice.  They said to try to make it as long as I could before bringing other people in to help.  But then when I found I needed it, to call upon friends and family with specific needs.  I did find that helped me a lot.

When my husband has been close to home but very busy, I learned to be open to the help of others and not to be shy to ask if I needed it!  For many years, we didn’t attend Mass together as a family due to his job in music ministry.  I never turned down the offers to help pick a toddler up for the holy water font or to hold the baby while I put the winter gear back on everyone.  Many times, God sent someone just when I needed them ... And I’ve met some of the best people by asking for help when I was at my wit’s end, too!

My best advice is to determine which things are the hardest to do without your husband or what needs you feel are not being met during his longer work hours.  If you need companionship, then schedule some time out with your friends or cozy up for a regular phone and tea chat, making sure not to neglect the kids in the meantime.  If you have a hard time getting to Mass on time, figure out all that can be done the night before to make it easier and what can be cut out or if there is a better Mass time to try.  Etc.

For helping other moms who are living the “single” life temporarily or for the long haul, I haven’t read all the other entries, so I’m not sure if this was already mentioned, but I really stress the importance of helping them live out their faith life.  Perhaps they need help with the kids in the pews during Mass.  Or consider offering to watch their kids while they go to Confession (you can meet up and take turns watching kids which benefits both!  Then go out for a cup of coffee or a park play date).

As far as appreciating our husbands, hands down the thing that made the most immense difference for me was when I took a part time job last year for about 8 months.  In my years as a SAHM, I had built up in my head that his job was a break from the really “hard stuff” of being at home.  Taking a step back into the working world was a real eye opener for me.  That first night, when I came home feeling like possibly the dumbest person in the world who was overloaded with way too much information (training was hard!), I walked in to a mostly quiet and darkened home.  I sat down and just sat there ... absorbing the quiet, so incredibly appreciative for the first time ever of what my husband meant when he said he didn’t want to deal with problems for at least the first 15 minutes after he got home.  When he said that, he actually MEANT at least 15 minutes, lol.

That experience made me want to create a place my husband would want to come home to.  The house is often a mess, the kids aren’t perfect, the meal isn’t always done ... but even on those days, I try to at least greet my husband with love and appreciation and I try to not dump the world’s problems in his lap for at least 15 minutes, grin.  He does amazing things for our family.  I’m so grateful God provided me the eyes to see that!

PS My husband also developed a greater appreciation for my role as a mom during those months of my working outside the home.  We have the Great Sun Cream In the Two Toddler’s Hair Incident that still leaves me rolling with laughter and my husband knowing that I truly am Irreplaceable. 

How about a thread for us families where both parents have to work because neither one of them makes enough to support the family solo and how we have to cope?

Or are dual working families not the “thing” on this list?

You have lots more to be grateful for than just the good hours, Arwen. My husband is neither compensated well nor does he like his job, and his hours are bad, too. He makes breakfast for the kids, kisses them goodbye as they head off to school, and then he goes it to work at 10:30. He gets home around 8, just in time to help them go to bed. None none of us like it, but he’s had no luck finding any other job, and so far, we’ve been staying in this community to be close to his family, as he is the oldest son of the oldest son of the oldest son, etc., in a farming family where that means a lot.

The only thing I can do is count my blessings that he HAS a job. In a few months, even that might not be true.

Anon - Of course dual working families are welcome here!  A lot of stay-at-home moms have piped in on this thread, but I wasn’t aiming it just at those who stay home.  Since my own personal situation involves me being at home my post was naturally focused that way, but the real topic is supposed to be one parent coping when the other is busy or absent, whether that parent works outside the home or not.  (And I did aim it at moms because we have mostly women here, but dads are always welcome to chime in!)  I’m sorry if you felt left out; that certainly wasn’t my intent! 

Sparki - You’re absolutely right!  The fact that both Bryan and I get to do work we actually enjoy is foremost among the things I thank God for every day.  He has really blessed us in that particular area.

My husband was laid off last year and thankfully we never went a week without him having a job- it’s just that that new job was 2 states away. So we did the long distance thing for 9 months (only home on weekends). Then I said forget it, we’re moving up too. And now that we’ve moved up, he’s been traveling constantly. We see him about the same as when we were living two states away. But again- we are lucky- he has a job and we’re able to maintain both a house we own and a rental. (Anyone need to buy or rent a house in the DC area?)
Tonight I was supposed to be in 3 different places at the same time (hubby’s in NYC). Almost made it to 2 of them. caught the closing prayer at one. As someone else said- you cope by coping.

Be grateful.
A good day is when my husband is only gone from 7AM to 7PM. It isn’t unusual at all for him to come home at 9PM or later. He also travels, including internationally. He has always worked long hours and never had less than a 25 minute commute. Our longest commute was 90 minutes.
All that said, (whined), I am grateful for dh’s job. It is stable, he is well paid, it is an ethical company and we have good benefits, all things that millions of families in this country would give their right arms for.

How do I deal with it? I deal. I’ve had help twice in my marriage. Once my niece stayed for 6 weeks when I was pregnant and 4 yo dd had a broken leg and once our nephew came to stay for 6 weeks when my hyperemesis was out of control.
I guess because we have lived like this from the get-go I can’t think of any advice. It is how we live, and always have.
When I was very pregnant with #2, dh was living 12 hours away and I was staying in our home in KY with dd (15 months). I needed a semi-emergent induction and was calling him from the OB office to get on the road. He drove almost all night getting there in time to sleep a couple hours and then take me to the hospital.

Hello anon,

I posted a reply yesterday to you but I am not sure where it went?

Anyway, know that God is also very present in your life as a working mom.  It is very challenging and I pray that you can find the support you are looking for.  It does seem like there is mostly SAHMs here but I bet there are other working moms who could understand.

My sister is a (full time) working mom because her husband is disabled.  I see the trials that she goes through and it is hard.  I guess we all have our struggles and there is no one perfect way to do things.

God bless your day and know that becasue some of us stay at home full time with our kids it doesn’t mean we think any less of moms who work.

I know that for a lot of people, let the housework go is a good option. For me, it’s not.  Visual clutter really drags me down.  And, once when my husband was 1500 miles away, my toddler slipped on something that had been left on the floor and broke his leg.  I spent an evening in the ER with a toddler and 6 month old.  So I can’t be comfortable with the house a mess.  I have a weekly housecleaning schedule and time blocked out for it every day.  But, my meals are really, really basic, and none take long to make. Maybe that’s my trade-off.  My advice is to let go whatever doesn’t matter to you.  The other thing is to get out sometime during the day.  I have found that if I stay home all the time during a week of long days, when Saturday comes I am raring to grab the whole family and go out, whereas all my husband wants to do is sit still in his own home.  I have to have some outside activity during the week or I drive him nuts.