I understand Patrick’s viewpoint as the importance of being faithful to the same religion makes marriage issues, children and traditions easier.  I dated both Catholic and non Catholic and ultimately married a Protestant who converted before we married as he saw how important my faith was to me and my family, and he did not want any division in our home.  I guess I was truly blessed as 12 years later and two little ones we have no issues with where we stand as a family and in our faith as Catholics.  One of my sister married a non Christian and as a result her home and son are agnostic, which saddens me.  I do remember my father telling me that marrying someone Catholic would make my life easier, and at the time did not see the wisdom in his words, but can appreciate them with hindsight.  I think when my two start dating I will gently encourage the same words my father gave to me. Happy Thanksgiving Lisa…

I can understand and appreciate Patrick’s advise.  My parents never encouraged or discouraged us one way or another - my mom is cradle Catholic and my dad a convert.  All 3 of us married non-Catholics.  My sister and I have stayed and grown closer to the church in our adult lives, even though our husbands have not converted.  My brother’s wife is a strong Southern Baptist and he attends church with her when he goes at all.  Unfortunately, she is hostile to Catholicism, refused to have the children baptised as infants, and he will probably never return to the church, but we continue to pray for him.  I’m sure that by marrying a Catholic man, certain parts of my life and faith would have been “easier”, but I wouldn’t change my spiritual journey or my husband.  He attends mass with us and I continue to pray for his conversion to the church.  I do have faith that one day his eyes will be opened.

My Baptist mother was disowned by her family when she married my Catholic father in 1954.  Her family gradually accepted her, after my birth but the subject was always a barrier in her very Protestant church going family.

I grew up in a Protestant Midwestern town where Catholics were always looked upon with suspicion.  I married a Methodist and he eventually converted after being inspired by our parish priest, after our second child was born.

I agree that it would be easier if both spouses were on “the same page” regarding their faith, traditions, and rituals while raising a family. But then again, spouses can bring their significant other to our faith- as in the above examples.  So, ultimately I agree but also aware that God works in an unlimitedless way.

Our faith is the foundation of our marriage.  I cannot imagine being married to someone who doesn’t share my faith.  When the time comes, we will strongly encourage our children to only date Catholics, and specifically, practicing, faithful Catholics.  Kimberly Hahn addresses this topic in Chosen and Cherished (a great book, btw!).

I have mixed feelings about this.  I am a cradle Catholic who dated a non-Catholic through college and we were married shortly after.  My husband came into the Church after we had been married over 8 years.  And while I certainly believe in and attest to the power of prayer (my husband is a prime example!!!), I also know the years that we didn’t share our faith, I felt “incomplete” (for lack of a better word).  He was a strong Christian man and did attend Mass with me faithfully every Sunday (and even helped out with the Men’s Club fish fry!!!), and still I felt something was lacking in our marriage because we did not have unity of faith.  Truly, he never had a problem with using NFP or raising the children Catholic and I still felt this way.  I never gave up hope (and prayed so hard) that he would convert.

So, while I probably wouldn’t discourage my children from dating a non-Catholic, I would certainly encourage them to proceed slowly and make sure they discussed certain things (for me, raising the children Catholic & using NFP were a non-negotiable issues and ones we talked about before we were married).  I suppose like most other things, you have to take this on a case-by-case basis and look at your own child and how strong his/her faith is and then look at your future son or daughter-in-law and go from there.  I don’t feel I could say never, since this is the way some people do draw others to the fullness of faith.  However, I would remind my child that their spouse may never convert to Catholicism and ask if they would be okay with that?  Of course, they should hope and pray for a conversion, but not expect it, because it may never happen and they are just inviting grief and disappointment into their marriage if they nag about it.

I also know that many “practicing Catholics” I met in college were anything but, and my non-Catholic boyfriend seemed to have a much better grasp on what it meant to follow God’s will because of the way he had been raised by good Christian parents.  Again, I think you just have to take it on a case-by-case basis.  And if your child is in such a relationship, do not underestimate the power of prayer!!!

I am very torn about this. I am the product of a marriage where a non-practising Catholic married an Anglican in a Catholic church. My mother is the Anglican, and she keeps her promises, so she made sure were were baptized Catholic and had the sacraments. My father is now an atheist.

When I was 17, I started dating a young man from a Catholic family, who was sporadic in his practice. He is now my husband, and has been for almost 9 years. When we had been dating four about 4 years, he gently told me he loved me very much, but could not marry someone who did not share his faith (I was agnostic and very feminist/pro-abortion.) I respected that decision. We broke up and I did not see him during the better part of a year.

During that year, Jesus brought me home to the Catholic faith, independent of my ex-boyfriend. I only told him about my “reversion” many months after it happened, and just so I could thank him for any prayers.

He was delighted, and told me he had been praying for this since he mat me. He also asked if I was still intereested in a relationship with him.

I was confirmed a year later, and we were married about six months after that. My reversion caused him to look more closely at his faith, and he became a committed, practising Catholic.

I thank God every day my DH was brave enough to gently, and with love, insist that it would not be right to marry me if we were divided on the issue of faith. But I’m also very grateful we dated in the first place.

So I think Patrick’s advice is sage, but I also think sometimes the Holy Spirit leads us to the person we should be with—and then leads that person to the Church through that relationship.

My oldest son will be getting married in three weeks. His bride entered the Church this past Easter. I have never told any of my four children that they cannot date non-Catholics, but I have spoken to them countless times over the years about how the vocation of marriage involves serving God as a united couple. This is much more difficult when there is not a shared faith. I must admit that I also always inquire if their friends are Catholic—not just those they are dating. There has just always been an emphasis on cultivating a social circle supportive of our Catholic faith and this has carried over into the kids’ dating habits. My husband is a convert so now that our son is marrying a convert as well, we do laugh that Catholics marrying non-Catholics is an effective evangelization tool.

My husband and I were both raised Catholic but both left the Catholic church after high school. When we met, we both still felt comfortable going to Mass but disagreed with enough that we did not want to go there regularly. We married after I graduated from college. For the next ten years we went to a number of different churches—non-denominational, Methodist, Presbyterian, Christian & Missionary Alliance…. We had often said that if we were at a church that practiced infant baptism that we would baptize our children as infants. Our first two were only “dedicated.” By the time our third was born, I had been drawn back to the Catholic church and my husband was becoming rather “anti” Catholic. Our third child was not baptized or dedicated.

When our oldest was eight, my husband reluctantly allowed her to be baptized and have First Eucharist. Since then, he has not let either of our boys do those things. He goes to another church and takes our eight year old son with him. Our two oldest (12 and 15) perfer the Catholic church. The 12 year old wants very badly to be baptized and have Communion but his father will not let him.

I think I can say we were unequally yoked. At the time of our marriage we both didn’t want to attend the Catholic church anymore, but we both still felt comfortable going there now and then. The fact that I decided to return to the Church has been a huge problem in our marriage. The children feel terribly torn. I feel so side for our middle child since he wants so badly to participate fully in Mass. I also feel terribly for our eight year old. He would actually rather come to the Catholic church, but he feels bad that his dad has to go to church alone so he goes there.

Obviously, we weren’t both practicing Catholics when our marriage began. However, I can see the terrible consequences of not both being Catholic now. I don’t want my children to have to experience that in their marriages and I certainly don’t want my grandchildren to have to experience the pain of not being able to worship God the way they are called by Him. It’s extremely painful for them and their dad just doesn’t care.

I personally would talk to my daughter of the pros of dating/marrying a faithful catholic and the problems with dating and/or marrying non catholics but I wouldnt tell her not do it, that would be her decision.  I married a catholic man, and I am very blessed but my decision of wanting to marry someone that shared my faith was due to my own personal journey, so I think I would tell my opinion and let her make her own choice.

An issue I have not seen addressed above involves the extended family of the non-Catholic spouse.  My husband’s family are Fundamentalist Bible Christian and are not out-and-out anti-Catholic, but I will admit, the undertone is sometimes there.  And now our children are old enough to know that when we say grace, we make the sign of the cross.  Of course, my husband’s family doesn’t do this, so there is a moment of embarrassed silence when my children do this and then proceed with “Bless us O Lord.”  So, we have told our children that when we say grace at my husband’s family’s house, we let Grandpa say the blessing and we listen and say “Amen” at the end.  (In fact, once my son said Grace at our house and when he had finished my m-i-l said, “Now tell God thank you for the food ask Him to bless your food and bless Mom and Dad” and I realized she didn’t think of what we say as doing that!)  I know questions will come when they begin to realize Grandpa & Grandpa go to a different church then we do.  Also, it saddens me that they have not been invited to any of our children’s baptisms (my husband’s choice), nor do they know that my husband has converted (hence the “Anonymous”).  I worry about what to do when our children make their First Reconciliation or First Communion.

So, while I believe it is most important that the husband or wife are of one faith, it can be difficult if you meet with resistance from the extended family.  To say, “We love each other so it will all work out” isn’t enough.  These are important events in your children’s lives and they should have their grandparents and aunts & uncles as a part of.  It is something I didn’t think about.  But, I know I was supposed to marry my husband and would not change that.  So, now my prayers are for the conversion of his family.  (Talk about asking for the world!!!)

I converted to Catholicism thanks to my cradle-Catholic husband while we were dating, but I would still definitely agree with Patrick Madrid’s advice.  Marrying a non-Catholic can be dangerous to the soul and salvation of a Catholic man or woman (I’m not saying it always leads to a loss of faith—I’m simply saying it can be dangerous), and it is something many saints and the Church herself have warned against.  And if one does want to marry a Catholic, I can’t see how dating a non-Catholic can be productive, if dating is looked at in a mature light.  My husband now says that if he had taken his faith more seriously at the time, he would have remained “just friends” with me during my faith journey.  I agree that this would have been wise for him to do.  I am thankful that God brought blessings out of our unwise choices, though!

Considering a non-Catholic (or non-practicing Catholic) individual as a potential spouse is certainly a matter that should not be taken lightly.
Of the 10 families in our Catholic homeschool group…half of the spouses (mostly the husbands, including mine) are Catholic converts—& zealous converts at that!  I just find that tidbit kind of an interesting reflection on this topic…

I was strongly Protestant when I married my Catholic husband. My mom had warned me throughout our relationship that we needed to discuss this and figure out what we were going to do about it before we got married, and while we did discuss it, we never made any resolutions (though I was so antsy to marry him I did “give in” and say I’d become Catholic, let’s just hurry up and do it!). This made the first six months of our marriage very hard, as we had moved and were trying to find a church and deal with these big differences. Praise God, He finally opened me up to see the beauty and truth of the Catholic Church, which I joyfully entered into. Unfortunately, I think my parents still feel like I didn’t have much of a say in this, because I had bashed it for so long before that.

I think it’s most important to date a person of strong moral character (probably a Christian of some sort), on the assumption that they’d be more open to understanding the whys behind their morals. But that would only be if your child was strong enough in their own faith to explain them.

My father was raised Catholic, my mother Protestant.  They were married in the Catholic Church and I was baptized shortly after birth, and then my father walked out of the Church never to walk back in.  When they married, because my mother was not Catholic and had no intention of converting, a wall went up between them in their marriage.  It didn’t come down until my dad started going to church with us in the Protestant churches we attended when I was in my early elementary years.

As I entered my 20’s and was thinking about marriage, I made a list of what I wanted in a spouse.  I called it my “shopping list.”  I kept that list for years.  When I converted to Catholicism in my mid-30’s I added “must be Catholic” because I loved my new faith and I was not going to compromise by marrying a non-Catholic.  A year later God brought my husband into my life and we are now nearly 9 years into a marriage that is sustained through the rough patches because of our Catholic faith.  Life may not always be perfect, but we can always count on our common faith to bring us to common ground.

I personally pray daily that all my kids will be called to the life of the priesthood or religious, but should dating and marriage be in their future, I will definitely be preaching to them to choose a spouse that is devoutly Catholic.

A few thoughts:

1) My mom was not Catholic when she and my dad married.  They even broke up for a time over the religious differences.  She converted when I was ten, and now, in some ways, she’s more Catholic than my dad!   So I am sure glad that my parents did not let their differences prevent their marriage; otherwise, I wouldn’t be sitting here now.

2) That said, I’m Catholic, as is my husband, and it is such a huge part of our relationship and our marriage.  Raising kids is complicated enough without having to deal with different perspectives on faith.  It’s a relief not to have to hash out questions like “Where should we go to church?” or “Where should we have the kids baptized?”  There’s a beautiful simplicity to marrying someone of your own faith.

3) Knowing teenagers as I do, I think there is a good way and a bad way to have this conversation.  The good way: engage them in a discussion of what faith means to them, and the way that it plays out in their lives.  Talk to them about families they know where the parents are the same faith, and those where the parents are different faiths, and discuss the challenges and rewards of each scenario.

Probably the worst thing to do is to tell your teenagers that they are not allowed to date someone of another faith.  That’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull, you know?   Maybe it has worked for some parents, but I can’t imagine it working for any of the adolescents I know!

I was strongly protestant when I met and married my husband.  However, holding a degree in theology from a Catholic University, I actually knew more about the Church than my in-laws.  I probably would have converted earlier, except my mother-in-law was so awful when we announced our engagement that I postponed coming into the Church for five years.  I didn’t want her to think I was doing this to please her. Of her five sons, only one married a Catholic, two of her daughter-in-laws (including me) converted to Catholicism after they were married, one son goes to another church with his wife, and one does nothing.  Of the two that don’t go to the Catholic church, a lot of it has to do with the way their parents treated their spouses. 
I would also say that all five of their sons were very poorly catechized and were raised to see church mostly as an obligation.  My in-laws have a strong Catholic identity, but not such a strong faith.  My point is, whether your child marries a Catholic or not, how you raise them up in the Faith will have a lot more to do with whether or not they stray from the faith or bring their spouse into the faith or they could marry a Catholic and both fall away-that happens a lot too.  The two of us daughter in laws that converted both had strong motivators outside our husbands family, and the one who was born into the faith, is much more active than her husband.
Also, almost every vibrantly Catholic family either the husband or the wife is a convert.

I think it is so dangerous to box your plans up and hand them to God saying “Here you go! This is my plan for my life!” I didn’t even want to date my now-husband when I first learned about him because he wasn’t Catholic. I was GOING TO MARRY A CATHOLIC. The end. I’m sure God still chuckles with my funny plans I have…
I married a man that kept me Catholic when my faith was shaken to the core. A man who became Catholic and is such a strong believer. Where would I be if I had stuck to my original plan? I shudder to think of it.

When I felt a strong pull to start taking my faith seriously in college (raised by mixed-denom./lapsed parents but confirmed in the Church), I ended my engagement. As difficult as it can be for a young, single Catholic from a non-Catholic family, my faith has grown because of that choice. I have noticed that (in the churches I have been to, at least, which by nature of where I live are very conservative) most are resistant to Catholic converts/reverts, and that’s where I would advise parents to be compassionate in terms of their child’s dating choices. I pray that I can marry a Catholic, but it feel impossible…

I grew up with a Catholic father and a mother who was hostile to the Catholic Church.  We were taken to church by our father and had all the sacraments but no faith beyond that.  We did not live near extended family that could have passed on the faith.  By the grace of God when I went to College I met and married a faithful practicing Catholic.  Even though I was a cradle Catholic I came with a lot of baggage and he put up with it all for a long time.Today, I am am more involved in our parish & our faith than he is.  Looking back our children did not get the formation they should have, so now with teenagers and young adults we are playing catch-up.  One issue that hasn’t come up - what if your daughter is seriously dating a Muslim.  Our eldest daughter was.  We had many discussions about Mixed Marriages and how would 2 people with strong “opposite” faiths & very different cultural backgrounds raise a famly and many prays.  After all the secular media says that Muslims, Jews and Christians decend from Abraham and worship one God. In the midst of an argument he slapped her and she broke up with him.  Thanks be to God.  I would recommend that parents educate themselves about other religions, so when these issues come up they can be persuasive.  We can’t control an adult but we need to try to persuade them & even teenagers listen to their parents.

We would not “forbid” our children from dating non-Catholics, but we have certainly discussed this issue at length with our teens.  Their faith is very important to them and I believe God will lead them along the way.  My strong feeling is that couples newly married have a lot of adjustment and stress that simply comes with being newlywed and adding someone from a different faith into the mix can just make things more difficult.  There are some crucial core moral issues that could complicate matters, such as use of birth control, openness to having children, obligatory mass attendance, baptism of children in infancy, etc. if a Catholic married a non-Catholic. 

That said, I also agree with many who have posted above saying that you cannot put God in a box, they wouldn’t be Catholic today if their spouse didn’t date/marry them, etc.  I believe our Lord can use many imperfect situations, like a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic.

My advice on dating?

I fail to see the good in risking your heart or your partner’s heart by entering a romantic relationship (dating) if marriage isn’t a possibility; marriage is important so your choice of a romantic partner (who you date) is also important.
Never, ever make important decisions without praying about them.

They must respect your faith and conscience and you must be able to respect theirs.  [My darling husband wasn’t a Catholic when we married but he truly lives by the spirit of Romans 14 ]. 

Integrity and honor are exceedingly important attributes for a prospective spouse. 

During courting it is essential to discuss what is most important to you to decrease the chance of nasty surprises later.  If you don’t have a good feel for what is most important to you then you might want to reconsider courting; if the two of you can’t come to an agreement on the most important issues then you *should* reconsider courting. [my husband and I talked over EVERYTHING during our courting period]

It is very important to meet the family and friends of a prospective spouse; much can be determined by their other relationships.  When you marry someone you are becoming part of their family, it’s good to know what sort of family it is and how they treat family. [my husband met most of my extended family (first grandchild to bring someone home to meet the family) and I met his parents within a month of starting to date- his mother is the very definition of hospitality, she and my parents have become quite good friends.]

Normally it is by far the best to date and marry someone who is also a practicing Catholic remember what the Catechism teaches about mixed marriages and disparity of Cult (1633-1637) and be careful!  .

However, I would never, ever say that they *shouldn’t* date a non-catholic as I truly believe that I have followed the will of God in marrying my husband (lots of prayer involved!) .  There are special dangers, there can be special joys.  I have had the joy of seeing my husband received into the faith and knowing that I’ve been privileged to be part of his conversion.

I married a non-Catholic who was terrribly Protestant in his attitude towards the Church but he knew the ‘rules’ so Iwe married in Church , I continued practising my faith and my children grew up Catholic .I even served the Church as a catechist and later joined and am still serving in the Renewal . My marriage was ‘rough’ as my late husband found opportunities to ‘bash’ Catholicism and though I argued with him in the early years of our marriage , I learnt to pray during his ‘Catholic boxing time’ in the later years ! Surfice to say he converted and went home to the Lord a Catholic !!!!

I did not read this article, but I just have to share my story, as it relates to this topic. I’ll make it short and sweet. I married a Catholic man when I was 19 years old. After we married, he showed his true colors…he was abusive, self-centered, and just an ugly, ugly person deep down. He left me after 1 year of marriage, and I divorced him on grounds of abandonment. Fast forward 7 years. I met and married a man who was raised Baptist, but did not practice any religion. He is the most kind, caring, and down right beautiful soul I have ever met. He is an excellent husband, excellent father - I could right a 900 page book on the reasons I love him. Three years after we married, he began the process to convert to Catholicism. We are still waiting on pending annulments, but this man who is not even Catholic YET, brought me (a cradle Catholic) back to my faith. Thank you, God, for this (non-Catholic) man.

Telling teens not to is inviting them to show their autonomy.  But having a discussion about it with them will open their eyes to the possible problems.  I remember being angry at my mother for telling me not to date black men (for cultural reasons).  I wasn’t even considering dating a black man at the time.  And once they are an adult you will not be able to refuse to let them to marry.  Much better to explain what family life would look like in that situation.

This is an interesting topic. While, this particular aspect is very far off for my family since our son is only 1.5 years old I would not forbid him or any other children we happen to have to from dating non-catholics. My husband is cradle Catholic, I was not Catholic when we meet. We had similar beliefs, goals and desires for our lives and marriages but we did not share a faith. I did covert the Easter before we got married but I did not do it for my husband nor did I do it so he would marry me. I did so because I truly felt called to by God. I will say that I am so glad my husband was willing to date me and love me even though I wasn’t Catholic at the time!!!

I have posted so many times today just to erase what was on my mind in regards to this issue.  I am a convert, which is a story of dating and marriage in itself.  My husband now also converted!  It is all incredible and beautiful despite the suffering along the way.

However I think that Patricks point is fabulous as primary teachers to our children it is a fitting point “My advice to Catholic parents is, teach your children well the importance of finding a devoutly Catholic spouse.”  Look at CCC 1656, 2206, 2222, 2225-26.  As parents we are charged with the responsbility to train our children in Christ.

From expereince, it is absolutely incredbile in times of joy and times of struggles to share the Sacraments with my husband as a summit of grace and stregth.  Would I not want the same for my children?  Life is hard and society is cruel to marriage.  Would I not want my kids to have the armor needed to fight the fight for Christ?  Then I will raise them up in the ways of the Church and teach them well their faith, which includes the discernment of a Vocation to the married life and the need for a devout Catholic spouse.  When I rest in the arms of my Lord, I want to be assured that I gave my children good counsel in all matters of life.

Growing up, my parents never advised us not to date non-Catholics.  However, they did teach us that dating was for discerning marriage, and that marriage to a non-Catholic would be much more difficult.  Not that it was impossible or wrong, just a much harder path. 

I remember my father telling me that there were many people in the world that I could love, but there was only one person out there that God wanted me to marry.  It was my job to pray and find that person, no matter whether they were Catholic or otherwise.  Through my dating of several non-Catholics in college, it became clear to me that marrying a devout Catholic was something I needed in a marriage.

As far as what to tell your teens who are ready for dating, tell them to pray for their future spouse so that s/he may be a good Catholic.  It doesn’t matter that they don’t know who they are; God does.  I remember as a “tween” hearing this advice, and praying that my husband would be a good Catholic.  My husband converted to the Catholic faith when he was in high school, years before I met him, but not before I had started praying for him.  I’m certainly not claiming responsibility for his conversion, but I’m sure my prayers helped.

I’m very surprised so many disagree. I think the problem is that so many of those who disagree with Patrick’s advice are living the “happily-ever-after” part of their Catholic/Protestant marriages or relationships right now and are glossing over the very hard years they spent to get there because the couple was not of one heart and mind in the Catholic faith. I don’t know ANY parent that wouldn’t want to protect their kids from the pain and sorrow that can occur from a couple being “unequally yoked”.

I think that is at the heart of Patrick’s advice. You tell you children, “this is the BEST, most pain-free way” for you to proceed in your search for a husband or wife. You teach them to pray and discern and then let the Holy Spirit do the rest. As for my and my family, we will strongly discourage our children from dating non-Catholics, but not forbid it. God’s plans are not our own and of course He can bring something wonderful out of potential disaster.

When I was in high school and college I couldn’t image dating anyone who didn’t believe that Jesus was truly present in the Holy Eucharist, that the Blessed Mother was a sinless Virgin and that the Pope is the Vicar of Christ. I don’t agree with the idea that marriage should be a tool to use for evangelizing other faiths. Going into a relationship with the “I’m going to convert them” mentality is a recipe for disaster. While I know that evangelizing occurs between spouses as part of the Lord’s miraculous and beautiful plan for the couple in so many families, to take on that task of your own accord is just asking for trouble. Marriage is hard enough for two people of a strong Catholic faith. We need an equally yoked partner not a “project”.

Just because a spouse io catholic does not guarantee he will do anything. Witness my husband cousin who is the cradle catholic but leaves it up ot his convert wife to do the cathlic thing. He makes fun of taking her 5 boys to mass and has caused them to question why they have to go when Dad does not.

Beignin unison in your thinking is th main thing not the religious bent of your spouse. However marrying a fellow catholic should for some mean you are willing to go th same route in life