Look at it this way Arwen.  By having a high needs baby first, all others will probably seem like a piece of cake!  My high needs infant came after three pretty easy babies.  I really thought I knew how to take care of babies and in my mind was becoming an expert.  Well the good Lord had other plans for me.  It was truly a humbling experience.

Preach it, Arwen. I actually read that Dr. Sears’ book after you recommended it - my little Bridget has always been very high needs. I completely understand what you are saying about doubting yourself. Now, I’m caring for my friend’s baby part-time, and her daughter is SO different from Bridget - this little girl actually falls asleep on her own. Like you, I thought that was an urban myth.

I remember after our first was born getting a lot of unsolicited “advice”. I too remember trying very hard to be polite and firm with my positions. I read Dr. Sears and such and trusted my instincts. I was doing my best and I knew that. The worst was when I teared up over the Christmas meal when I was told to leave my fussy baby on the floor out of sight “to exercise and be independent” or something like that. I attributed my tears to the pepper in the beans. Pitiful.
The “advice” tapers off after the second. Conversely, my confidence grew. It is so hard to know when and how to offer advice. I understand the urge for mother’s to want to give other mothers advice…it happens to me too! (I even get men giving me their two cents.) If I do feel compelled to offer some suggestions to a mother, particularly a new one, I try my best to subtly convey that I assume that she is doing her best. It is not wrong to offer advice…I really value the helpful information I have read or been told. There simply must be care in HOW we offer the advice!
Truth be told, I tend to be sceptical of the “experts”. I have a hard time with “studies” and generalizations about how children are. I tend to favor the attachment parenting style because it does seem to conform to my instincts and seems natural. Of course, having scientific data to back up my attachment parenting decisions proves useful. Ironic…;)
Keep up the good work, Arwen! And congratulations on Blaise’s Baptism!

5, 3 and 1 year old here, I and STILL believe its a myth!:-)  I have suggested to God that anyone willing to have more than (a set number of your choice) babies should be given nausea-free pregnancies and non-fussy, easily-put-to-sleep-and-stay-that-way babies. 

I always wonder if the people who criticize my “baby techniques” (mostly my own family), put two and two together when they compliment me on the behavior of my older ones.

Amen!  Take it one step further and tell people that you are doing what works for your family!!!  Great advice.

Jen in OK

Our 4th child was a problem.  If she was awake, she fussed. People ask if she was a good baby and when I said no, they looked at me like they should take her away! On about her 4th trip to the Dr., he finally decide there was a problem, rather than me.  He put her on a milk free formula and within 8 hours she was a different kid.  (And 13 years later she out grew that allergy)  So whatever the problem-keep after it.  Mothers know when something is wrong!!!!

My mother-in-law hates that I breastfeed (it deprives her of bonding with the baby), that I bathe my babies completely naked (except for the strategically placed wash cloth on my boys) when they are newborns and gave me a copy of BabyWise to read. Haven’t read BabyWise? Talk about wanting to cry, how could holding my children and comforting them be damaging them?

Anyhow, I threw away the book and ignored her when I would breastfeed (she also found it disgusting and provocative, but hey, she was in my home, she could leave or didn’t have to look) and would bathe the newborns in our bathroom.

I too, read Danielle’s advice, before I became a mom and that coupled with the knowledge that my mother bucked her own mother with the breastfeeding and snuggling, helped me get through those rough first months. While my husband still bristles when his mom speaks up and then tells her these are our children and we will be the parents, I just smile and pray for her sanctification.

Honestly, I think the amount of advice does depend on Mom’s confidence.  If you are confident that what you’re doing works for your family, then say so without being defensive.  If you’re complaining, then expect to get a lot of advice from nice people who are just trying to help.  Motherhood lessons are so hard-won that we all want to pass along the wisdom that we gained so painfully.  Kids are so resilient that a lot of the things we worry about don’t actually matter in the long run as long as there is love and caring.

Yes—best advice out there.  When our first was a colicky infant my own family made me feel so inadequate—“bring that baby over to our house!  We’ll get her to calm down….”  Now that I look back, the baby blues only exacerbated the colic and my moods, etc.  I spent all my time trying to take care of my baby the way others told me I should.  All children after that have been born several hours and some countries away from family and all have been easy in comparison.  Experience and trusting our instincts has been the key.

Um, I am sorry, but I just have to ask…how are we supposed to bathe our babies if not naked?

I’ve found my own parents second-guessing how they raised us, seeing that we have made some very different parenting choices than they did: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, homeschooling, living TV-free, to name a few.  I think parents feel more empowered to follow their natural instincts today, versus automatically following without question what the “experts” or pediatrician say.

Just FYI to the mom who commented on “Babywise”...it was given to me by my sister-in-law who has seven kids when I was expecting my first. We followed it (not exactly, but enough) and I now have a 2 1/2-year-old and 1-year-old who fall asleep peacefully on their own and sleep through the night. They were both breastfed for over a year and receive tons of physical affection. So, it can work..it’s not evil, just something that works for some of us!

#3 - I think it IS wrong to give advice if it isn’t asked for.  Now sometimes we might be asking for it by complaining as someone mentioned.  But basically, if I want your advice I will ask for it.  And sometimes I do ask for it.  But most of the time I am doing fine, thank you very much.

I had a high-needs baby also.  I could deal with the baby but I couldn’t deal with all the unsolicited advice, mostly from in-laws.

Arwen, I could have written your post (except that my second is a little girl as well).  I am very much still finding my way as a mom, but I would say some of the most important things I have learned are the following:

1) Every child is different.
2) Do what works for you.
3) Never judge what works for anyone else!

I also appreciated my mother’s advice: if the kids are fed, rested, and loved, you’re doing a wonderful job.  My first was very high-needs and I needed to remind myself of this on a daily basis!

My head was nodding in agreement through the whole post and all the comments!  When asked if my daughter was a good baby, my comment was “she’s perfect, she just doesn’t sleep well!”  With regards to advice, I think it also depends on the giver’s intent and delivery.  If someone would commiserate with me and offer things in the spirit of easing my misery, it was much easier to listen than to someone who made me feel like I did everything wrong.  I’m sure I tested my most faithful listeners, though, by complaining about the same thing over and over.

It is so comforting to know that other women have carried similar crosses. My first (now 5 yrs. old) was super fussy too. It really took a toll on my confidence and ultimately affected my feelings towards my daughter. I think back then, amidst the daily tears that erupted from my seemingly futile efforts to help her, I really thought she hated me! And all the advice from family and even doctors proved ineffective. As it turns out, she had reflux, multiple allergies, a metabolic disorder, and an ever growing strong-willed nature that we pray some day can be used for the growing of God’s kingdom. It’s hard to say this, but the brokenness I experienced that first year of her life, was a stripping that I needed to realize that I am absolutely nothing without God’s grace. It also drew me closer to the Blessed Mother, as I found solidarity with her suffering motherhood. (I couldn’t bear praying directly to God the Father or even God the Son that year…I needed to talk to a compassionate and empathetic woman! Ha!) Anyhow, thank you to all for your posts.
And as a side note, we used portions of BabyWise (and Baby Whisperer) for our #2 and #3 kids and found them tremendously helpful!

I think most of us mothers feel like wrecks when our babies are fussy, no matter if it’s our first or tenth.

Most of mine were pretty easy babies, good nursers,  decent sleepers after the first few weeks of getting adjusted to life.  But somewhere in there, there were a few that were so fussy I wondered if I was doing something “wrong”. The one I remember the most is the most recent (of course!  all the others blur together!)....our ninth one three years ago.  She was so fussy, so sensitive to noise and stimulation, that I almost laughed through my crying that God surely made a mistake in putting such a sensitive baby ninth in line!  Our home is anything but quiet and unstimulating, full of commotion as we get through our home schooling days.  But shortly into her life, I simply realized that she was different than the rest, and need much more holding as well as being kept out of overstimulating situations as much as possible (restaurants, airplanes, etc). That worked well for her….and she became such a happy older infant/toddler/preschooler - the apple of all our our eyes!

Hey can you pass that adorable baby Blaise over here so I can give him a squeeze?!  What a cutie pie he is in that picture!

Amen, Arwen.  I wish some of my AP-friends would remember this when they’re criticizing our not co-sleeping with our kids or occasionally letting them cry-it-out (after the age of one).  It goes both ways, it goes both ways….

Frances - You are right—the Attachment Parenting Police can be the worst—even for those of us who have done attaching parenting!

We also received some hard looks from the AP crowd!  I admit that knowing what to do with the 1st baby can be a little bit overwhelming….but doing what felt right just came naturally!  I did not appreciate being told that by NOT choosing AP….I was somehow not doing the “moral” thing.  This still gets to me when I read or see someone being chastized for not doing AP.  I’m totally with Danielle on this one.  As for unsolicited advice…..say “thank you, I’ll try that”....and then do what makes you feel comfortable.  Don’t beat yourself up…..so much of life does that for you anyway!

I must admit, I am one of those moms who loves to offer advice (not because I know best—I don’t—but because I really do want to help and because I always think, I may say something that no one else has thought of to say to the new mom.)  For example.  I used to obsess about whether my newborn was breathing (who hasn’t).  With my second, the dr. offhandedly commented, “If her lips are pink, she’s breathing.”  I wanted to shout “Why in the world didn’t you say that with my first!!”  Of course, it is so obvious, but when you are a new mom, you always think raising and caring for a newborn is really rocket science!

I just had to comment because I was on the phone the other day with my mom and offhandedly mentioned something about nursing my youngest (who is 14 months). There was a slight pause and my mom said “oh, you’re still nursing” in a disapproving way. She thinks it’s a fad and that doctors will go back to telling women formula is better in a few years! All my others were weaned at this point because I was pregnant and couldn’t keep down enough food. I’m not sure if we’ll have any more babies so I’m thinking about nursing until she’s 3! I didn’t tell my mom that, though. I realized that maybe there are some parenting decisions I need to keep to myself.

TCMom - I wondered the same thing until my mom had the opportunity to bathe our son and insisted on keeping a onsie on him the whole time.  After telling her not to and asking her nicely why, I gave up.  She didn’t want him to get cold.
That was one I could let go…really not that big of a deal.  Some of her other things and comments have infuriated me.  But I think I will make Danielle’s advice my mantra! (: Thanks again Danielle!

Well, I guess you all already know where I come down on all of this.

I just wanted to chime in here and say “Way to go, Arwen!” and “Way to go Moms!” Your kids are blessed to have you.

I suggested just this very thing to a woman two days ago in coffee talk.  I told her, “Before you buy anymore books by the “experts” read Danielle’s.”  Darn it, that woman is brilliant!

I tend to follow what my mum did with modifications. She must have done okay as she had 7 and did not once flush any of us down the toilet

Her advice is simple is it works for you go for it and good mothering is what makes them quiet and you happy.

I was intrigue as to why one poster put washer over her baby boy’s penises when bathing them. Nude babies are hardly sexual and washing them naked is the only way to do it. As to MILs unless you like them and have a good relationship with them why would you take their advice. Advice you can accept form your own mother but in my case I disregarded anything from my MIL but then we do not like each other and never have. She also never helped out with my kids or her own daughter’s kids in any case so I did not feel she had any right to handout gratuitous advice.

Karnak

Karnak, the reason a washcloth over a baby boy’s penis isn’t for sexual reasons at all. It’s to prevent being showered while giving the boy a bath!

I’m coming to this discussion late, but I also wanted to chime in on the high-needs baby thing.

My eldest daughter screamed like she was going to die if someone put her down in the first 6 months of her life.  She needed to be constantly touched and held.  I used to bring the baby bouncer into the bathroom so I could use the toilet holding her, set her down to wipe and wash hands, and pick her up again—-otherwise going to the bathroom was out of the question when my husband was at work…....

BUT she is weird in other ways.  As a toddler, she never had to be taught to share—she did it naturally.  She’s always been more attached to people than things.  And now, at 5, she likes to sit quietly alone on her bed and imagine things…..

My other kids have been less clingy—(though I wonder if some of it is that when I put them down to go to the bathroom, they have siblings to comfort them…)

I used to just laugh off the “put her down and cry it out advice”—because clearly it wouldn’t work…. unless you define “cry it out” as “passing out from crying so hard she couldn’t breathe”

I agree that the Fussy Baby book is a great help for kids like this.  And the “Do what works”— because I have other friends who have kids who cry IF YOU HOLD THEM and want to be down on the floor….....