I don’t have any advice, but I’m interested to hear what others have to say.  Our biological family will probably not be as big as we had hoped when we got married and we have thought and talked a lot about adoption.  But, while we would have no problem adopting children from whatever country/background (whether we end up with domestic or foreign adoption), I worry quite a bit about what various in-laws would say.  Every once in awhile, the my parents-in-law (and one sil) will make some comment that just floors me with its racism.  It’s very infrequent, but it’s been enough (and offensive enough) that I would worry about bringing a child into our family who would be treated as inferior due to skin color.  So I’m hoping others will have some suggestions here!

Talking with the child about how others may react to their relationship and helping to craft positive responses might help them manage their reactions in the face of negative comments from others—a la the “large family comebacks” I’ve seen on this site and others used in the face of nasty comments about family size. Remind them that relatives and friends can have nasty things to say about anyone they bring home—their intended might be too Southern/too Northern/too educated/not educated enough/etc—and that their relationship is primarily their own business.

However, when talking to the child about possible negative reactions to the relationship, I’d caution the parent not to sound so fearful and negative that it puts the child off dating that particular person or makes them look at everyone cross-eyed, searching for negative reactions. My first crush/dance/etc was an African American boy and my mom’s fearful talk about how “others”—or maybe she herself, although that was never stated explicitly—would react to a white girl and a black boy made me think she disapproved and put me off pursuing anything. Granted, I was in middle school and wasn’t an adult, but still—too much concern might come off as veiled disapproval.

My advice would be to not make it a big deal.  Sometimes we over analyze situations so much that we make them bigger than they really are.  Why does the adult child in the relationship need to let anyone know the race of the person they are dating?  If the grandparents ever have the opportunity to meet the happy couple together, whatever happens will happen and deal with the reactions as they come or calmly and casually respond to any questions after the fact.  Let it be the grandparents that make the big deal out of it, not the other way around.  The situation may turn out to be a pleasant surprise.  I have experienced this a number of times in my own life when I was tempted to overreact before an envisioned situation played out.  Most of the time, what I envisioned never even occurred.  My parents always frowned upon interacial dating, but it never bothered me because I knew it was their problem, not mine.

This doesn’t address the dating question exactly, but if you’re looking for tips on how to raise your children to be open and accepting of other races, check out the book Nurtureshock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman.  There is a chapter there called “Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race,” and it’s utterly fascinating.  I’m not going to do it justice here, but in brief, they explain how studies have shown that young kids naturally categorize according to skin color (studies of preschoolers show that when you give them stacks of cards with diverse people on them and tell them to sort the people into any categories they like, the vast majority of kids sort the cards by race—not by gender, age, or other obvious factors.)  At the same time, the authors explain that most white parents don’t feel comfortable talking about race, and many figure that if they send their kids to diverse schools with people of many races, the kids will just naturally learn not to be racist. In fact, young kids have lots of natural questions about race and the best thing parents can do is address it directly.  (“Have you ever noticed that some people have darker skin and that some have lighter skin?  Isn’t it neat that God made so many different kinds of people?”).  I’m not doing the chapter justice here; you should really check it out.  It’s fascinating and eye-opening.

I’m of southern European descent (aka “White”).  My first ‘real love’ in college was Black.  I was completely astounded when my parents, who raised me to treat everyone as the same, were upset about our relationship.  My boyfriend was not surprised though.  He thoughtfully said their dream for their little girl was not that she grow up and marry a Black man.  I was so angry and bewildered because the very thing they taught me and hoped for me was what I had become, yet they themselves did not accept everyone, which they admitted over time.  They told me they learned something about themselves and that even so, it was not something they were okay with—they cited the troubles we would encounter and that our children would experience.  I do understand that it is one thing to want to be colorblind with all folks you meet, but a family marriage was not what they had thought about when they modeled and encouraged colorblindness.  (In fact, my two best friends growing up were Black and American Indian and of course always at each others’ homes, in the same carpool, etc.)  Granted this was the early 80s, so interracial dating was much less common than today.  If he had been Catholic, I probably would have married him though.  In the end we broke up over differences in faith more than anything.  His family 100% accepted me by the way.

My husband is Mexican and I am white as they come midwestern girl. I had not only the stigma of marrying a hispanic, but he also happened to be an undocumented hispanic. After we married my family watched as we struggled to get my husbands immigration papers. There were many in my family that were very skeptical of our relationship because of the race thing. But I had very supportive parents that saw my husband for who he was as a person and not his race.

This parent should not make a big deal of the race issue with the child but make sure the child knows that you support their relationship because of the person the boyfriend is. They can let family members know that the child is in an interracial relationship and tell them how great the boyfriend is for xyz reason. Don’t dwell on the race.

I was lucky, even those that were worried in my family have come around. We really didn’t get that much resistance. Or maybe I just refused to see it at the time. If a family member won’t include the boyfriend at a family gathering (assuming the relationship is serious enough that they should be included) then the parents shouldn’t feel they have to attend to show solidarity with their child…for what is right. But in turn, the child shouldn’t always expect them to not attend family events in this scenario.

Deal with each issue, one at a time, as they come up. The less the child and parent blow it out of proportion the less extended family will react.

I pray for my kids to find a holy relationship, not a same race. My oldest just married a Catholic Chilian manand my other son is dating a lovely Catholic girl who has a black dad and white mom. I will continue to stress to all my other children that sharing the faith is more important than sharing a color.
+JMJ+

Positivity is the only way—if this mom models her approval, excitement over the boyfriend/girlfriend, talks about his/her wonderful characteristics, that will set them up to like him or her. Don’t bring up the race unless they do.

My beloved sister-in-law is seriously dating a young man of Haitian descent, who is black. We LOVE him, he is an amazing man, has overcome so much, is so good for her, etc. and we cannot wait for him to “pop the question.”

I am very pleased and surprised by my MIL’s reaction to him—pure joy. She is not a racist person but I expected some anxiety about the relationship due to the area where she lives (people can be very racist there.) She is truly a model to me in this.

Most of the comments here seem pretty positive.  I would caution that to marry into a different culture can be quite an adjustment and to tread carefully before making that kind of committment.  I speak from experience - this happened to my parents and they were not able to overcome the cultural differences.

Those are good ideas, Ginny.  Thanks!