As someone who does struggle with depression during the fall/winter months, I know how important it is to take care of myself BEFORE I get burnt out, and I try really hard not to feel guilty about it.  I get one night off a week—- as soon as my husband gets home I hit the road.  And a few times a year I get a night in a hotel all by myself (assuming no one is nursing at the time).

Hang in there, Arwen! My bet is that one day you’ll look back and see this was one of the hardest—and most blessed—seasons of your life. four young children and the youngest are twins! Realizing that it is hard doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful or unloving or any other negative. It really is hard.

This time last year, my husband very innocently said, “Somebody called and wants you to call her back.” I started bawling my eyes out. I had had it with phone calls. One more phone call to return was more than I could take. Eventually I got it back together and called her.

We all have our breakdowns. We re-group and move forward.

Bless Bryan for realizing you needed a break. Prayers going your way.

I have a part-time job outside the home, and for me it is not a burn-out fighter.  It is just one more thing to add to my plate.  It’s manageable for me since I only have one child, but I can’t imagine having 4 little ones and doing a part-time job on top of all the work at home.  But, I guess different things work for different people. 

And, I agree with Monica, while young children are a blessing, having lots of young children is a lot of work and probably not something I would long for in the future.  In my situation though, since I only have one, I am trying to savor the moments as much as I can, because I really love the baby/toddler/preschool years and know that I will miss them.  I think it’s because my family is so small that the good moments tend to outweigh the challenges.  I know this would not be the case if I had to do marathon parenting (which is not to say that I’m glad to have an only child, but it is definitely a side benefit).

There does not have to be the 2 extremes of thinking you have to love every minute of it or it is all bad.  Moderation in all things.

I see a tendency among some to feel like they have to live in the extreme of loving every minute of it.  To the point where they are totally burn out and barely able to care for the children they have and they feel they need to be open to life by trying to conceive—because after alll that is what the church teaches??  There is a fear of admitting that this job of parenting takes everything I have got and I am at the end of my rope.  Kids need time. attention and love.  To acknowlegde how hard it is does not mean you think kids are a burden.  I sense sometimes that might be what the hesistancy is.  Kids are not burdens but it is truly a big responsibility to raise them and while you have enough love you do not always have enough time, attention and energy to do what needs to be done.

I would definitely not consider rest and relaxation a sign of weakness.  I’m with the writer who says she is happy certain times have past.  I love my kids but I also love seeing them grow up.

This post is so timely right now.  For all the extolling of stay-at-home motherhood, last week made me want to climb the walls and escape.  And I only have ONE!  My spiritual director helped me make a list of non-negotiables (similar to to a job, which you have to go to everyday) for the day, week, and month.  My monthly goals include having one date night with my husband sans baby and attending adoration sans baby.  That and going to a gym with low-cost child care ($10 a month) is helping.

Exercise, even if it’s just going for a walk with the stroller a couple nights a week while husband watches the “older kids”. Supplements: vitamin, B-complex, omega oils, D3. Napping when I can, even if it means the kids watch tv or play video games. Time for me: computer, television, emails, grocery shopping with the baby only. Having realistic (low) expectations for myself and the house right now, and asking husband to help as much as he can at night and on weekends. Arwen, I’m on my fifth baby (2 months old) and I’ve been praying for you in my tough moments, knowing you are doing the same with twins. I bet you’ll have great memories some day. Hang in there and keep your head above water for now. They will get bigger and less needy and you will have more time to yourself again.

Arwen,

I was in your place about 10 years ago.  I had a two year old when my triplets were born.  I really battled the motherhood guilt of not feeling as if I was meeting the needs of my children.  I wanted to be supermom and super wife.  I thought if I took care of my needs first, then I was being selfish.  My husband saw it differently.  If I took care of my needs, then I’d be able to handle the daily stressors in a better way. 

Taking multivitamins and getting out of the house a few times a week by myself has been the answer for me.  We can’t afford to pay babysitters so we work around my husbands unpredictable work schedule.  I’ve located walking trails at nearby parks to explore.  I found that fresh air and praying as I walk does wonders for me.  Other things that I’ve done during my time by myself is attend evening Mass, go to adoration, run errands, visit the library and go on a retreat day.

Can you hire some help?  That was the best thing that I did after I had my fourth child.  I hired a college student to come 15 hours a week.  She ended up working for us until the baby started kindergarten.  She was a true Godsend.

Hello,

New poster here. I’m a stay at home mother of 7, 11 years old to 7 months. Since having my 6th and 7th, I have been really getting burnt out. After having my 7th, I had a case of PPD and it still doesn’t seem to be done with me yet. I feel so overwhelmed all the time, cooking, cleaning, homework, crying baby, nursing. I’m just plan tired and need a break. I don’t really have much help, other than my husband who, of course, works. I don’t have a relationship with my family and the in laws aren’t available either.  No extra money for babysitters or help around the house. Any other ideas for me? I pray daily that I don’t get pregnancy again, I don’t know how I would make it.

Arwen, I can remember when my twins were under 6 months, there were days we all just sat on the floor and cried together. I was trying to meet their needs as best as I could, and most days I think I did a pretty good job. But as you said, it is really hard. It is uncanny how 2 babies on opposite sides of a room can have a bowel movement within seconds of each other and then start wailing in unison in what sounds like an inhuman pitch. And the thought crosses your mind that they are actually ganging up on you with that funny little twin language of sing-song coos and knowing looks Even though every baby and every set of twins is different, my experience was that it all got a lot easier around 6 months. It was still hard but my guess is from this point on you’ll probably have fewer and fewer nights of collapsing into bed feeling like you’ve been hit by a mack truck.

Arwen, you need to let go of the guilt of having someone clean the house.  I know it seems like a lot of money, but how much would you pay for a Swedish massage or some other form of stress relief?  I think having someone clean the house is major stress relief.  I had a lady come and clean every other week from the time my oldest was 4 until he was about 6, when I went to weekly up until we moved down here 18 months ago.  I miss it, but we don’t have a lawn mower and my husband has no time, so we pay for that instead.  It’s my gift to him.  The best ways to avoid burnout are to let go of the things that aren’t essential: if you outsource it, like the housework, that’s one way.  Or you just don’t worry about the mopping or the laundry or whatever.  I know it’s easier said than done.

My prayers are with those of you with little ones that are struggling especially single moms and those whose husband’s work takes them away from the family. One idea would be to look around at Mass and reach out to a mom with older children. As one whose children are older this has reminded me to reach out to those with little ones.  A group of moms at our parish are looking to start some sort of mom’s support group. I would love to hear more about Elizabeth Ministry or any other groups that would be a good model for us.

I completely agree with Katherine’s comment about God, perhaps, designing the family to be more of a community undertaking.  There were days when grandma and grandpa lived next door, your aunt lived 3 houses down and your sister lived across the street… now a days, families are so spread out (and mothers and fathers are spread so thin):(  Since the birth of my second child, I’ve increasingly struggled with my husband’s 24 hour work schedule and with feeling alone and overwhelmed the days he works… through a lot of prayer and discernment we are currently considering a move closer to family—my husband is willing to make this sacrafice and change jobs if necessary, if it means bringing more happiness to his family.  While I know not all extended families can provide positive support, I do think we do ourselves a dis-service not to consider it at all.

Arwen, I have 2 sets of twins, ages 7 and 5, and 2 singletons, ages 4 and 1, and currently pregnant with #7 (though I am likely to lose this one).  I have had burn-out many times, ask my poor hubby.  What finally is working for me is praying for God’s will as I cannot do all this alone and He is in control.  I can finally say good-bye to most of my worrying.  I have committed myself to one hour of adoration a week (I wish I could go more) and that spiritually charges me up for the following week.  Not to mention, it means I get one hour of uniterrupted peace a week (can I say bliss?).  I take a bubble bath now and then (I do shower daily, hee hee) and recharge too.  I try to get things ready the day before or take care of things as soon as I know about them…again, less worry.  As soon as I let go and let God (cliche, I know) I felt more at ease.  Thanks to my mother-in-law for finally getting all this into my head!!!  Live life today and if we get tommorrow, great!  You’ll all be in my prayers!

Arwen, I had a very busy 2-year-old (who quit napping) and a very demanding newborn a few years ago. We moved to a new house two weeks before my C-section. Yes, we had family nearby, but I was too proud to accept help other than for doctor’s appointments, etc. Few people offered. I will never get over how blind-sided I was by the difficulties of mothering two demanding little ones. I didn’t expect it to be so difficult. When you literally can’t go to the bathroom, can’t eat, can’t sleep, not to mention my nerves were horrible. I considered medication, but never took that step. You are experiencing far greater demands than I did. I never used to understand phrases like ‘pushed to the edge’ or even ‘temporary insanity,’ but I do now. Thank God for my faith, deep love for my children and strong moral upbringing. I would go to my room and cry at night, too nervous and upset to even sleep. There were times I couldn’t believe how desperate I felt. This all sounds so dramatic in retrospect, and things have eased up over the years, but I will never idealize these early years as my children grow. They are surely the sweetest and the bitterest, all at once. Mentally, I began to treat my home life like a day at the office and tried to distance my emotions and treat each chore completed as another to cross off my list. I once told my husband “If this were a paying job, I would have quit it. I would only do something this hard for my children…”

The one who can answer this question is a miracle worker, I think!  I have three small children, with one due to be born next month.  I live in a small town (no other homeschool families, no other young Catholic families period) and I am a very to-myself person, so making friends (when I am able to leave the house) doesn’t happen.  We have no mom’s groups (and I am not starting one), and my family is a 12 hour drive away.  The only family we have here in town are my in-laws, who are always “too tired” to help out (refraining from uncharitable words now).  My husband has a crazy shift, often leaving me on my own with the kids.  I so often long for a break, and dinner without the kids happens once a year, but I have come to the point that I have resigned myself to do it on my own.  I look forward to the one or two times a year we are able to go see my family and I can leave whenever I want to do whatever I need to do, as my mom or sister will gladly watch the kids for me as long as I need them to.  I do long for the days when families were closer; I believe that is how family is meant to be.

Anyway, enough from me.  I wanted to also express my admiration/sympathy for military moms.  I just do not know how you do it.  May God grant you the graces you need to survive - surely He does.

Praying for you, Arwen. I feel ya…and I’m so glad you DO NOT have PPD.

Sending hugs.

Praying for everyone!  Thank you for all the good ideas and for reminding me that I am not the only one going crazy (and I only have one….)  I absolutely lost it yesterday and I feel so bad for putting my husband through that, and it really helps to remember that other Mothers have days like that too.

We just started having along time—ideally once a week, both me and my husband get out for an hour or so while the other one watches the baby.  I go to the library, sit in a comfy chair, and read a book or a silly magazine, or look through craft books without worrying about the baby running off and ripping books off shelves.  I’d like to go to adoration too.  Resolving to keep this up, because it helped a lot.  The best thing is that it’s free!  Because we can’t afford weekly manicures, movies, ice cream, whatever.

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