Fine Points
Says You: How do you "How do you do?"
Posted by Rebecca Teti
in Family
on Tuesday, August 02, 2011 10:00 AM
When I linked to Matt Archbold’s lovely tale of “angels unawares” yesterday, a few of the reactions got me thinking about a tangential point.
Matthew posits that in the Northeast, it’s considered rude to answer the question, “How are you?” with any response other than, “Fine,” because in the Northeast, no one cares about the answer.
I think that was a bit of hyperbole, not literally true, but it does make me curious how your parents trained you to answer that polite inquiry?
I was born and reared actually in the city of Washington, DC, which makes me a bona fide “Yankee” only in the minds of those from the Deep South. DC is below the Mason-Dixon line, and in the actual Northeast, a native Washingtonian (as opposed to a political transplant) is both desperately hard to come by and definitely second-class. We’re like New York’s little brother. We’re always trying to prove we’re as good a city, and it’s not even aware we’re competing.
I digress.
My father grew up in California (though born in NY) and my mother, child of a Phillips geologist, lived all over the Southwest: mostly Texas and Oklahoma. They each separately wound up in DC for work and met and married here.
My point is that we’re not Northeasterners by any stretch of the imagination, yet my parents definitely taught us that “How are you” is not an earnest question but a courtesy, to which the only proper response is, “Fine, thank you.”
It would be rude to burden a stranger with your woes and ailments, although if you cared to keep chatting you could always make an additional remark about the weather or something.
I distinctly remember being shocked in the 6th grade when I was going to sleep over at a friend’s house. On meeting her parents for the first time, I asked her mother, “How are you, Mrs. X?” —and got an earful about her many medical complaints! I’d never heard anyone answer the question and was amazed Mrs. X didn’t know this obvious point of etiquette.
I’m speaking here of ordinary exchanges with strangers or those to whom we’ve just been introduced; obviously we were allowed to share more of our lives and troubles with family members and close friends, who presumably cared—or ought to. It was laying our burdens on strangers that was considered gauche.
I do notice the norm has relaxed since when I was a kid, which may or may not be a good thing. The gentle chatter of people sitting at a bus or train stop I like. But we also seem to be culturally more tolerant of whining, which really serves no purpose but to make daily life a bit more unpleasant for everyone. I like a good, stiff upper lip.
At any rate, I’m curious how you were raised and whether, “Fine, thank you” is a point of fading etiquette or a regional particularity.
What were you taught? What are you teaching your kids?
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