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Email a FriendGood morning, everyone. I am hoping for some sound advice on how to guide my almost 11 year old daughter through her moods and attitudes with a loving hand rather than spending my time arguing with her and imagining how I’ll send her to the moon. (Fire up the cannon, anyone?) This child, since she was a tot, has always desired to be a teenager/grown up. Her taste in clothes is vastly different than mine. She leans toward flashier, more grown up looks and would have a slightly risque wardrobe if I permitted it. I give her some leeway in her choices while still showing her that modesty is the only policy in this house. But I’m tired of her back talk. I actually could handle it if she was arguing her point but she merely rolls her eyes (I sometimes secretly wish they would freeze that way, if only temporarily, to make her wake up!) and declares, (you know it!) “it’s not fair!” I can’t even explain my point/position to her because she’s too busy talking, “yeah, yeah, I know, I knoooooow, Mom.” She’s a lovely child until she opens her mouth. She suddenly gets that bratty look, that evil child sneer worthy of an Oscar nod. (Does anyone know who Scott Farkas is? From Christmas Story) Anyway, even if I’m calm and don’t lose my patience, keep my voice low and even, she is still nasty. Now, I know part of this is puberty; normal stuff, etc. but I’m ready to trade her in even though she’s still got A LOT of mileage left. Now I know that I am totally most of her problem. We are not surrounded by a lot of Catholic/christian families who actually take their faith seriously. She attends Catholic school and thankfully my neighbor next door is raising her children with the same Catholic values I am but that is about it. The children in her class are being raised with more secular values. These are children that, although are being sent to Catholic school, are not being taught to go to church on Sundays, treat your fellow humans with respect, love one another, etc. And honestly, that’s fine. I’m not looking for ways to change others, just how my daughter reacts to it, I guess. I think she wants to fit in more rather than be ostrasized because she’s not allowed to behave like her peers. I would like more harmony in my home and am lacking any ideas as to how to achieve it. I see some major teenage rebellion in my future if I don’t get hold of this now. I need constructive, timeless responses, that will make her see that I am not simply being mean but have her best interest at heart and/or will at least end the argument. I feel completely ineffective as a parent to her and feel like I’m failing her and thus failing God. After all, this is His child He gave me to raise. Any ideas are most eagerly sought. Thank you! I hope that was coherent.
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Posted by Danielle Bean in Family on Monday, October 24, 2011 7:00 AM
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Over the years I have learned each one of my children is very different. They all have remarkably different personalities. I am raising them all in the same environment but their differences amaze me and sometimes drive me crazy. I think sometimes I can’t take any credit for either the good or the bad. Some are leaders and some are followers. There is an innate personality in our kids and that will be there no matter how we school them. I just wanted to say that because I know others will read this and think if you homeschooled it would solve all your problems. Control the environment, control the choices and you are all set. It is much more complicated than that.
I would try to bring more friendship into her life that would lead her in the right direction. Is there a youth group at church where she can get connections? Is there some other way you could connect with her with a mutual hobby? Can you express an interest in her desire for fashion and is there a modest way to go about that together? Are there other families in town that hold your basic beliefs that you could find ways to connect with (even if they are not Catholic)? (I don’t need an answer—just ideas)
I have a teenager and as time goes on I am understanding more about the different phase we are in. I have to remember that I am an adult with adult faith and actions and he is still a child finding his way. Yes I must give him direction and a foundation of faith but sometimes he doesn’t always grow as straight and narrow as I expect him too. Just the other day something was really bothering him. He clearly stated I am not telling you and dad because you always tell me how to fix everything and I am going to work this out over time. (**note to self-sometimes he just wants us to listen and not be finding solutions or taking action**)
That said I would also set boundaries and let her know she needs to respect you. Get your husband on board and have him reinforce it. For us it works better if we wait until the heat of the moment is over to discuss what we expect because when kids are emotionally charged it is not a good time to lecture.
First of all, I have had a few of these children myself. You are not alone. First piece of advise: stop allowing her attitude and behavior to affect yours. Ignore it. State what you want done calmly and without emotion. Ignore her response. Think of the parable about the two sons. One says he’ll work in the field and blows it off; the other refuses and then changes his mind. Try to aim for the latter: it’s what she does that matters, not what she says.
Secondly; I would stop blaming her classmates for her attitude. It’s a cop out to throw our neighbors/classmates/coworkers under the bus for our attitude failings. Just accept that at the age of 11 she’s still immature and young and has a lot to learn about life.
Thirdly, keep them busy! After school activities, helping around the house, visiting relatives, spending time with grandparents, sports, art and music, scouting.
I have an 11 year old DD. She has 3 younger brothers and she is usually just great, respectful, helps with/plays with the boys, until she isn’t/doesn’t. We too live differently than a lot of her peers, and she is always pushing the limits on books, clothes, music, etc. I agree with a lot of what was said above, but I also have made some accomodations (that I don’t think were necessary but helped the situation) so that she doesn’t feel completely different from her peers.
First, when she got to middle school this year, we got her the much coveted cell phone with texting. I know a lot of people will not agree with this, but it became obvious to us that these girls do not talk to each other, they text each other. Her not having one (and she quite literaly WAS the only girl in the class without one) was not privy to these conversations. There was a recent post on here about middle school girls passing notes back in the day, well in my experience today’s girls don’t pass notes, they text. She knows there are limits, that I read all messages, etc., but it has helped her feel more normal at school.
Second, while she can’t wear a lot of the clothes the girls at school wear, I did tell her she could have a feather in her hair. That is very big around here. I ordered the tools and some feathers online (they charge a fortune in the salons and it is not that hard to do yourself) and she invited a few friends over and we put in the feathers and had pizza. I know a lot of the moms here will not agree with this either, but I didn’t think it was that big a deal, it made her feel better and her friends loved it.
I guess my point is that I was so tired of saying no, I looked for a few select things I could say yes to. I may not love the fact that she has a rooster feather in her hair, or texts her friends rather than talks to them, but she also doesn’t give me as much attitude about clothes, music, movies as much as she used to. Underneath it all, she really is a good girl and I want to make her happy (as I know you do as well). So my advice (if you want it after I have revealed so many questionable decision) is to pick both your battles, and her triumphs to achieve a happy medium.
I have a just-turned 12 yr old daughter and it’s nice to hear that this is a common phenomenon! I agree with Danielle M in trying to find things to say yes to. We let our daughter have an ipod with text function for her bday, for example, for all the same reasons Danielle listed.
This is my first pre-teen so I don’t have much in the way of experience, but I’m just trying to weather the storm of attitude without taking it personally. I find that the more I treat her teenager-i-ness like a disease, the better I handle it. So when she rolls her eyes at me, I try to think of it as sneezing - something I would never take personally, either. Then I can treat it (verbal reprimand or something more forcible, depending on the situation) pragmatically rather than emotionally.
My daughter is 10, and has a similar backtalk-y attitude. We have always homeschooled, so I can not blame peers, and I don’t let her watch the teen and pre-teen dramas on TV. This is just how she is. I like the advice about treating it like a sneeze and not like a personal attack - I think that will help me deal with her. I do think she does best when I give her greater responsibility, like baking or “babysitting” her younger sister (while I’m there, but busy). And when she has a creative outlet, she is a wonderful child.
Wow! Great ideas everyone and I’m glad I’m not alone. I think the single, most common message I’m getting here is spending more time with her. I was actually hoping that wasn’t it. I like spending time with her but 3 others then want their fair share and I feel like there’s never enough time. I am going to have to get more creative. Letting her cook, bake, etc sounds like a good start. I’m in the kitchen most of the day anyway and obviously, in the long run, it’ll be good for her. I really want to enjoy her company but sometimes she just makes it soooo difficult. Even on my most patient days! So…. I like the idea of the sneeze and not taking it personally. That seems to be part of my problem, I’m sure. When she starts, I will say “God Bless You” and take it from there. And, Scotch Meg, I really like the book club idea! I think I might actually take that on. (You know 
, in my spare time!) Thanks, Mommies. I was really beginning to think I was failing this poor child. I will let you know if things get better.
Ladies,
In the interest of full disclosure, my only daughter (for now) is 4 months old so I have no experience raising a teenage girl. However, as I read about Kristina’s situation, I thought of my lovely acquaintance, Miss Leah Darrow. I’m sure many of you have heard of her. She was a contestant on the “reality” show America’s Next Top Model. While you might not allow your daughters to watch the show, they likely have heard of it if they spend any amount of time with girls who are not being raised with the same types of values as yours. Anyway, to get to the point, Leah went from NYC model to a God-fearing, Christ-loving, Mama Mary-adoring woman. She now speaks about modesty and chastity to boys, girls, men & women all over the country (and the world, actually, as she has spoken a few times now internationally). Her story is fantastic and even though I’ve heard it several times, I never tire of hearing it. I don’t know exactly how/when/if introducing your daughter to Leah via her website or youtube would be an option but I wanted to at least let you know of one resource out there. I did work with Leah for one season of Pure Fashion and she is by far one of the loving-est people I’ve ever met in my life. Girls flock to her because they can just feel the love she has for them. Her love for souls comes from her deep love for Christ and our Church. Check her out: http://www.leahdarrow.com/
And, no, I’m not getting paid to promote her. I just love her and, frankly, she’s been quite a source of inspiration to me and also healing for my soul when I listen to her speak.
A second young lady that some of you may have heard of is Kelly Pease. She is a Catholic recording artist and she went to Franciscan University of Steubenville (which also happens to be my alma mater). She’s got some incredibly beautiful music which flows from the deep recesses of her soul. Amazing lyrics…you have to hear her!
http://kellypease.com/
Maybe just casually introduce your daughter to Kelly’s music. If nothing else, the lyrics and melodies can only have a positive impact on her heart, mind and soul.
Hope this helps, if not now, at some point in the future! And if this blog is still up and running in 10 years or so, you can be sure I’ll be on here seeking advice from all you beautiful women on how to deal with my pre-teen daughter!
The book Christlike Parenting is a gift. Read it and read it again if you need to. But know that you are not alone. I have a nearly 16 year old and felt the same way you are feeling it doesn’t last forever. All we can do it our best and pray. They don’t stay like that forever. I know this isn’t the answer you were looking for but just knowing you aren’t alone and that it will pass makes all the difference.
I’ll say a prayer for you.
Mary and Lisa, thank you for your comments. I checked the websites and they look promising. I really want to listen to some of the music as my daughter loves music. The supermodel was also interesting. I perused her site and though what a great speaker for the kids’ school. Thanks so much for that info. I’m going to jump now and check Amazon for that book. If they don’t have it then maybe Paulines in the city might carry it. Anything that will help, I will try. Already showing a little improvement after one day! Keeping my fingers crossed! Thanks everyone! I’m actually excited about working on this “project” when I though I wouldn’t be. I would be so lost without this site.
Hello! I have a question about my oldest-almost four years old daughter. She is completely “normal” at home and in extended family situations, but once we’re out in a less familiar situation (playgroup, to dinner at a friend’s home with other families) she completely clams up for awhile and sticks to my side like glue for the first 15 minutes or more. Once she finally begins playing she usually just plays alone, even when there are a few other little girls her age who are playing together. I’m sure it’s just her personality and she will get over it with time, but I’m just needing some encouragement, I guess, that she’s normal and fine and maybe some tips on how to encourage her too. I think I need to lower my own expectations so I don’t get frustrated with her and also not care what the other moms are thinking! (She’s my first, so I think I just need to relax, but any tips are helpful!) Thank you.
ElizabethM, you already hit the nail on the head with your last 2 sentences:
“...I think I need to lower my own expectations so I don’t get frustrated with her and also not care what the other moms are thinking! (She’s my first, so I think I just need to relax,...”
Take it from a been-there mom: you were not given those other moms to form and nurture. You were given *your* daughter!
I have been blessed with the examples of other, older & wiser moms: While I was fretting over my son’s oddities (in my view), they were quietly creating a 2 person team with their child who either had difficulty warming up to people, or had “oddities” of their own, or were just plain having a bad day. They (the moms) were able to be polite & friendly to me & others, but were 99% present for their child, who needed *their* specific gifts right then & there.
There is much socialization that children learn from parents, but above all, (& especially at 4) they need the refuge of your presence.
My son was very much like your daughter. Even when we had people over to our house (familiar environment) he would cling to me like crazy. First, respect the person she is and let her be that way. Don’t stress yourself out about it. Many, many people will imply that your child is like this because you have her at home/she isn’t in preschool/doesn’t stay with sitters, etc. Some kids are just plain like this, and others aren’t. Second, gently push her to be more social. Try some activities that you can do together—- story time at the library, a play group (if you aren’t already).
I know you are looking for encouragement. My son is six and in first grade now and he gets along fine in school. His first day of preschool was definitely scary for both of us, and it really took until the middle of that year before I felt he had really warmed up. Kindergarten was all day, everyday, and it took almost no time for him to settle in there. He will never be the life of the party and doesn’t like playing in big noisy groups, but has jumped right in to cub scouts (with his dad) and lego club (by himself, no parent). I am continually amazed that he looks forward to being dropped off to do something by himself! Your daughter will get there.
I think it’s really hard when your children have a dramatically different temperament than you do. I am pretty introverted, and was much like you describe your daughter as a child, so when I’ve been blessed with 3 out of 4 VERY extroverted daughters it is really difficult for me sometimes!
Personally, I think it’s just one of those things to accept about your child’s personality. It doesn’t mean she won’t make friends, or that she’ll always cling to you. But, maybe she’ll develop a few, rather than a ton, close friendships with other girls she’s more familiar with in time.
Don’t worry! I think she sounds delightful.
You’ve got to talk yourself into a No Apologies attitude with respect to your daughter and her little personality. It can be hard when kids do things that are not considered “normal”, or embarrassing or even wrong, in front of others. What your little one is doing is not wrong or even disordered, she’s just a baby really, and she’s sure to overcome it. But you have to steel yourself, and be on HER side, no excuses, no explanations, no apologies. One of these days—it’s bound to happen—she’s is going to make some kind mistake, big or small, for all to see. Train yourself now to be there for her, and to go Blind, Deaf, and Dumb to the world. This little shyness of hers is a great place to start.
I know some of you had wondered what happened to my little Jonah. I decided last night to start a blog so I have written about it. http://everyoneandtheirmother.blogspot.com/2011/10/jonahs-story.html
Caution - Infant death mentioned.
Ashley,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your little one. Please know that I will offer up all for you and your family today. We will not forget you, and please write back on this blog as often as you need for support. We all want to be here for you:)
God Bless,
MNS
oh ashley, i am so very sorry.
May Our Lady carry your sweet, precious babe straight to the arms of Jesus. And, may she hold you close in her warm embrace in their horribly difficult time.
I am so very sorry for your loss. We will keep your family in our prayers.
Ashley, I just read your blogpost. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you, your husband and and your other kids. Your sweet baby is with his Heavenly Father, and will surely be praying you through this sad part of your journey to join him one day.
Keeping you and your sweet family in prayer, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I read your blog and detect some self blame their. please let go of this. God has a plan, we don’t always understand it, and frankly sometimes it s*cks, but it is His plan. Know that you have support here.
Her behavior sounds entirely normal to me. Maybe you could talk to her about the new situations ahead of time - what to expect, who will be there, etc. I don’t know that it will necessarily make a difference though.
I think having another child is the best cure for worrying about what the other moms think. I say that tongue in cheek, but I think it’s true.(I don’t know your situation, and I’m not implying you can or should have another child right now. ;-
Each child helps me grow more in humility. The more children I have, the more I realize how little I know!
Carolyn, I think that’s a great suggestion! I still like to be prepped before going into a situation where I don’t know what to expect. It makes it so much less painful. 
That’s a great idea.
What do you do with a child who does not eat?
My almost 4 DD will specifically ask for something, today for lunch a turkey and cheese sandwich, and then just sit there and not eat it. For like an hour! No matter how many times I ask her to eat it she won’t. What should I do in this situation? I know she is hungry.
I have ongoing eating issues with almost 4 year old dd. I try not to get to anxious about it because I’ve noticed she goes in cycles of eating regularly to not eating anything but bread. I never thought I would be a mother that would be flexible about her eating something different for dinner than what I’ve prepared for my dh and myself but I’ve come to accept that she is only 3 and there is time to be more disciplined about the family meal. Right now she eats a lot of pancakes, oatmeal, scrambled eggs and pb&j, toast and plain bread. Those have been her main staples for a while and I go through days where she tells me what she wants and then won’t eat it. It’s frustrating but I try to just go along with it - I hate wasting the food but I can’t get into forcing her to stay where she is until she’s finished. Occaisionally, like Sat. night, she actually ate some steak and home made fries - not a lot - but at least she is starting to eat meat. I’m not so successful with vegtables but she tells me she’ll eat it when she’s older. My mom would always say “they"ll eat when they’re hungry” so if your dd is not eating, maybe she isn’t that hungry. Also, mine continually asks for chocolate milk - I was giving it to her (very light on the chocolate) whenever she asked but figured that was probably why she wasn’t eating, since she was filling her belly with milk. Now I just tell her that she has to eat something before I’ll giver her more milk. That usually works for her. I guess mainly I would just say don’t get to worried about it because soon she’ll be eating ym
I would try not to worry about it, and not pressure her to eat or not eat. I don’t think there’s a child yet who starved themselves. Offer food, if she doesn’t want it, wrap it up and let her know it’s there when she gets hungry. Someone had mentioned this book in a discussion about an overweight child, but in the reviews a lot of people say it’s helped their picky eaters too. I haven’t read the book myself yet. http://www.amazon.com/Your-Childs-Weight-Helping-without/dp/0967118913/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1319487959&sr=8-1
Actually, my son did a darn good job of eating barely enough to subsist on. By the time he was 7, he was so small for his age that the docs wanted to do all sorts of invasive tests to see what was wrong with him. I insisted that I just needed to get him to consume more calories, and not of the snack variety, which he was very good at doing. He is still small, but my husband is of average height and build, and he’s on track to match him. If your daughter is of a healthy size (height and weight), then do not worry about her eating. However, if she is undersized, then I would see a pediatric nutritionist for ideas on how to maximize the healthy calories she eats. Most children, I have found, though, only eat one meal a day and the rest is grazing. Look at the big picture - the whole day - and not just one meal when you consider her food consumption.
Oh, I guess if she is not growing properly then maybe some of those high calorie nutrient drinks might help (like ensure) - if you can get that in her! My husband was especially picky and extremely skinny as a child. In highschool he was 6ft and 95lbs. His parents tried forcing him to eat and that only solidified his determination - to this day he will not touch a vegetable or anything green, nor nuts, beans, or seeds. Sometimes a child feels like that is the one thing they can control and you’re not going to take it from them. Just thought that might give a little better idea of where I’m coming from.
I agree with the “find something you can do together” advice. For me, that was a mother-daughter book club. If you start it and consult with her about who to ask, you may make her happy. But if you (or she) are the crafty mom/daughter… maybe mother-daughter quilting. Or mother-daughter hiking club. Or biking. Or walking. Or painting. Whatever.
Also, if this is your oldest child, not just only child, then making time for just her will be special. In our house it was pretty rare. When my daughter was in seventh and eighth grade, we lived nearly two hours from the nearest good shopping. Driving that distance with just her was well worth what it cost both my husband and me. We didn’t talk a lot; in fact, she listened to the awful music I wouldn’t let her listen to when her baby brother was in the car. But it still laid the foundation of our relationship for her teens.
Figuring out what you can say “yes” to is a great strategy.
Thank you all so much! Great advice and encouragement. I know all of these things, but I just really needed to hear it from some other moms! Thank you.
Regina, thank you. I think the “no apologies” attitude is right on. I feel like I owe the other moms some explanation when she’s stuck to me or not playing with their children, but I really don’t at all. She is who she is, and I’m her best advocate and support.
The book Christlike Parenting is a gift. Read it and read it again if you need to. But know that you are not alone. I have a nearly 16 year old and felt the same way you are feeling it doesn’t last forever. All we can do it our best and pray. They don’t stay like that forever. I know this isn’t the answer you were looking for but just knowing you aren’t alone and that it will pass makes all the difference.
I’ll say a prayer for you.
I have seen recommendations for girls but I need a recommendation for a book for my boy that we can read together that teaches the “facts of life” from a Catholic perspective. I want the basic physical stuff and basic chastity stuff but not something that goes into high-school level detail (I have a homeschooled 8th grade son). I do have the Joyful Mysteries of Life but it is too long. Thanks for any leads!
How do you feel about planning playdates that you make time for on a very busy schedule but the other mom cancels at the last minute because her kid isn’t cooperating in some way? I have been tempted to do this myself since it is an effective discipline tool (if you don’t finish your homework you can’t see so-and-so) but it is so unfair to the other party whose kids were looking forward to the playdate and whose mom tried hard to accomodate on the schedule. This has happened not just with one family but others as well. I have taken to trying not to tell my kids they are having a playdate until the other kid actually shows up on the doorstep but I would have scheduled a different playdate if I had known or a dental appointment or something else.
I think it’s rude to cancel at the last minute unless there is an emergency. (If your kid starts puking in the car, take him home!) We didn’t have many playdates in my family, but my mother would do that for extracurricular classes. Normally our “bad behavior” in those circumstances was normal behavior that was magnified by the fact that she was having a bad day and didn’t want the scheduled activity ruining what she wanted to be doing. Now, my family of origin has some serious issues, so my perception may be skewed, but that’s my $0.04 (that’s $0.02 adjusted for inflation ).
HI All,
I’m thinking about joining our AHG group at school. We just found out about it, but I want to know if anyone really likes it, and if so, why?
For my 3 girls to join it will be over 180 bucks (expensive for us) for registering and outfits…and I just don’t know if it is worth it…besides that, there are only 1 or 2 other girls that are in the groups…again, what are your thoughts?
I am too far away from an AHG group, but if I were not, I would join them. They were praised by the Boy Scouts (my boys ARE in BS and I LOVE it). From what I know they are about God, country, service to others and other good things.
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