Faith & Family Live! : Happy Mothers

Posted by Kathleen on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 1:33 PM (EDT):

not to be snarky, but I think the author needs new friends. You have to have confidence in yourself and your mothering. You can’t compare all the time. Everyone’s family is different and everyone is at a different point on the journey. I have often been supported by mothers who are further along than I am, and I have not hesitated to pass it on to others. It is all about your attitude. OK rant off/)

Posted by Elizabeth Esther on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 1:50 PM (EDT):

Thanks for carrying on the conversation, here, Rebecca! I appreciate it! I loved your reflections on my piece. And yes, I really AM trying to live a life pleasing to God and part of that for me is embracing freedom to love and accept ALL parts of my life. I LOVE Elizabeth Foss’ reflections on unique family culture, too. What a relief that perspective is!

@Kathleen: You’re probably right, I do need new friends. I’m working on that!

Posted by mammaoftwo on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 1:56 PM (EDT):

This totally strikes a chord with me! And I think many of us moms would do well to get our husband’s perspective on all this. For example, when I start thinking I need to be the perfect mom (read “always fun and energetic”), the perfect wife (read “always cooking amazing food for my husband and being ever-available to him), and the perfect household manager (read “spotless home & laundry always folded and put away”), not to mention the growing trend I see for moms to have these little “side jobs” and projects and things they volunteer in… whew! It is daunting! But every once in a blue moon (when I get to feeling really exasperated by it all) I vent all these feelings to my husband and realize something really funny… he is perfectly content for me to pop a frozen pizza in the oven every now and then and call it good. He doesn’t expect me to be “available” to him at all hours 7 days a week. He realizes the house is not going to look like a magazine page (although he also realizes messes drive him bonkers… but he does not expect me to keep the house pristine… just asks that I try to keep the family room and bedroom neat). So who are we really serving when we place these big, fancy tasks on our own shoulders? Our families?? Maybe not! Maybe just for our own sense of sanity we have to set up big goals to strive towards… and maybe this is somehow normal… but when we don’t meet these goals everytime, I like to remind myself that my family is actually no less well-off for it. *I* might feel a bit deflated… but my husband hardly notices & my kids are pretty forgiving, too. Sure, I strive. But what I am learning (and what I love this author for stating!) is that it’s okay to not make the mark. We’re not bad moms because of it… in fact, we’re *better* moms if we handle it gracefully, take a long hot bath, and see tomorrow as the start of a new chance to try again. I will be sending this article to all my mom friends—it is great!

Posted by lilacs on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 3:23 PM (EDT):

yes, that’s a good point! I read a good article by Hallie Lord that helped me a lot, on a similar topic—she said, instead of going crazy trying to keep the house perfect, or get a homemade meal on the table every night, etc., find out what specific things are really important to you and your husband and focus on those. So, maybe he doesn’t care much about the food, but laundry is something that really gets to him; so focus on that, instead of trying to do _everything_. I asked my husband point-blank what things were priorities for him, and told him what mine were.

Posted by Laura on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 2:58 PM (EDT):

My favorite thing is this (not sure if it’s attributable to Rebecca or one of the Elizabeths!):

“It’s possible to appreciate the beauty of what another family is doing and not be called to do it yourself, or not in the same way.”

How much better could all of us moms get along if we just got on board with that?!

Posted by Jennifer on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 3:05 PM (EDT):

For me, my enjoyment and fulfillment (of being a mother) grew in leaps and bounds once my youngest child began school full time. All the years in playgroups, mommy& me, sitting on the sidelines watching kiddie soccer with other moms, and not enough time alone, either by myself, or simply with my husband and children, wore me down. It is very difficult not to compare yourself to others - either mother to mother, or children to children, when you are constantly with other people. The temptation is too great. Once all my children were in school full time, I had time to work on my spiritual side- attend daily mass, spend time with my mother, and pursue hobbies and interests that strengthened my faith. Plus, after 8 hours, I missed my children when they finally did return to the nest.

Posted by KateM on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 4:01 PM (EDT):

I think this is a very valid point. I think it is important to keep the focus on how you are functioning a family unit not just a mother. While she in most cases is the primary care giver and disciplinarian especially in the early years, they are not the sole person responsible for family life functioning smoothly. I really think the “co-parenting” trend in the secular world is some what written off by the Christian community because as stay at home moms, we tend to think of it all as our responsibility, but as pointed out, you can’t do everything and you certainly can’t do it all well. I am the oldest of ten, so far everyone is turning out pretty well and are men and women striving to do God’s will. People ask my mom all the time how she did it, and her response is “Chris” (my father). He coached softball and basketball, taught piano and helped us with our science homework because frankly these are areas my mom doesn’t excel. He also headed up a once a week Saturday morning house cleaning, and was the one to tell us girls to change if he thought something was immodest. I think my point is that the person we turn to for help aside from God should be our spouse to make sure the vision of your family is being carried out by both as it is both parents responsibility, and I think that sometimes just remembering that helps to ease the pressure just a little.

Posted by Jennifer on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 7:36 PM (EDT):

Excellent point here, the father is so important!

Posted by Monica (momof2) on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 4:53 PM (EDT):

To me it is all a question of priorities. I definitely strive for perfection in holiness. We should all be striving for that all the time. After all, Jesus says to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect. That is completely different than striving for perfection in household management, cooking, schooling my kids, personal appearance, providing the best and most fulfilling activities for my kids, etc., etc. I would definitely lose it if I had to strive for perfection in all my duties. I think where moms go astray is thinking all aspects of motherhood are equally important. The only important things are getting to heaven and helping our spouse and kids get to heaven.

Posted by Ginny on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 5:08 PM (EDT):

I think that the author’s strong response to perfect motherhood and its calling comes as a sort of backlash to society in general. With a lot of single parents today struggling and divorced families abound, we Catholics can get a little overbearing in professing the importance of motherhood,etc. And, as a mom, I understand the urge to just throw your hands up and take any other perspective. However, I think it’s best to see motherhood as you said, unique and a contribution on everyone’s part. But let’s not get carried away, motherhood is very important and is a calling for all whether you want it to be or not. The children are already here if you’re a mother. Let’s just do what we can and praise the Lord.

Posted by Kimberlie on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 5:23 PM (EDT):

I have really struggled in the last few years with the image of “the ideal Catholic mom.” I love my children. I do not, however, love being with them 24/7. I don’t have that kind of personality. I need “down time.” I need space. I was making myself and everyone else in my family miserable though because “what kind of a crap mother am I because I don’t want to have my children hanging all over me all the time? I mean if I was a really good mother, if I was really embracing my vocation, I would hang on their every word/action/deed and just drink up their yumminess.” I finally had to admit to the personality that God created in my nature - I am an introvert. I can’t be around anyone 24/7. I also realized that if I wanted a perfectly clean house, wonderfully cooked meals, to always be perfectly put together in my appearance, would require me to give up my family all together because young children and a pristine house do not go together (unless you want to be some sort of Mommy Dearest). I want to enjoy my children.

I like that ideal - the good enough mother. That’s what I want. I want to be a good enough mother that my children will have love for me in my old age, and my children will be well on their way to Heaven. Because isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing? Helping those God places in our lives to get to Heaven?

Having said all that, I do admit I compare myself way too much to others around me and find myself lacking. As Matthew Kelly says, I need to become the best version of myself, and not worry about trying to be the best version of so-called-mrsperfectmom.

Posted by lilacs on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 3:40 PM (EDT):

I know what you mean! I think even the extroverts and the people who act like they love spending every minute with their kids don’t really want to spend every minute with them! I mean, I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but sometimes I need a break from him, too. Also, I remember being surprised to hear Jen Fulwiler, on conversiondiary, say that she was not a baby person, and loved her kids but related to them so much better when they hit 5 or 6. I think a lot of people probably feel that way and are afraid to say that!

Posted by Karen on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 6:01 PM (EDT):

As a mommy of now 6, ages 7 and under…I have become content in this life God gave me. I pray to see and do His will and just try my best for myself, my husband and my children…He’ll take care of the rest!

Posted by Beth on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 8:59 PM (EDT):

I think for me, it is a constant recognition that being a mother isn’t my highest calling- serving God is. Certainly, living out my vocation as a wife and mother is a primary way that I do this, but honestly isn’t not about them…or me. The second I forget that I start living through them and making their acheivements and my clean house and gourmet dinners my god, rather than GOD, I am in trouble.

Posted by Claire on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 11:53 PM (EDT):

That is an amazing point, Beth. I do feel that motherhood is my highest calling, but as you say, only as an avenue for serving God. You are so right that it is too easy to focus on the external appearances of motherhood and turn them into idols.

Posted by good to hear on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 9:08 PM (EDT):

I loved the article Elizabeth. I’m sorry you got a snarky comment right out of the box up there. I have eaten my own humble pie as a once SAHM to 3 kids 4 and under. I felt like I was the icon of the Catholic Church. Part of a group of the ones who were really the holiest, 2nd only to those who homeschooled too. I was part of a movement in the church of people who believe they are living the ultimate in Catholic being and they stand on the pedestal above the rest. Through a long course of events I came to realize that the holiness of the church did not evolve around me and my ability to have many children spaced closely together and be at home with them fulltime 24/7. I was able to see outside of my narrow view and the work God was doing in so many lives. That includes beautiful moms of many who homeschool. It was really humbling. I am inspired by the depth and example of so many Catholics I know in so many different life spots: working and not working moms and dads, widowed moms and dads, homeschooling, public schooling, Catholic schooling, private schooling, couples without kids, couples who adopt kids, single men and women, single parents.

I understand the PPD you went thru and the 3 years of recovery after each birth. I am mostly home still but found that working was part of who I am and also a ministry for God. I never make excuses as to why my house does not fit a standard or why I am not able to volunteer at school as much as all the other moms. In 9 years of being at a school I’ve never been a homeroom mom. I hate making phone calls and planning parties. Yet there are moms that love that stuff. I don’t look at Elizabeth Foss’s blog and beat myself up about why I am not homeschooling 9 kids and celebrating feast days and sewing with all my kids. All while doing it with a husband who travels and works long hours. I look and I learn and take was is meant for me to take. I say God is working in her life and God is working in my life. I don’t beat myself up when I see how other moms make it thru post partum times without being mentally and physically disabled. It is a good place to be: happy, content and serving God.

Posted by Becky Le on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 7:19 AM (EDT):

You know when I read the first comment I too thought it was a bit snarky but in truth, after reading the article and many of the comments on the original article, I think the first comment was right on and was not so much a reflection on the author as it is certain types of Christians and Christian communities.

I read an blog post a long time ago entitled, “How to tell if you are in a toxic church”. Being a cradle Catholic it intrigued me. She wrote about the judgmental attitudes, the “more Christian than you”, the not so fraternal “fraternal correction” practices….. It so disturbed me that I, a Catholic with no horse in that game, remember it SEVERAL years later.

In the years, and 4 more children since, I have seen what she wrote about both in Protestant and Catholic circles and I do think it all comes down to a question of choosing your community and friends wisely. If your “Christian” community exists to make you feel inadequate and frustrated then you need a new community, this is NOT what God intended the sisterhood of motherhood to be! This is not the example He has given us in the Bible! If, otoh, you CHOOSE to read blogs that make you feel frustrated and inadequate then you need to look inside and determine what purpose all of this “compare and despair” is serving, likely not God’s glory.

Posted by Claire on Monday, Sep 12, 2011 11:57 PM (EDT):

I think it’s a balance between striving for ongoing improvement (of which there is always room for), without feeling discouraged by our lack of perfection in the motherhood vocation.

Posted by Lady.Rosary on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 2:54 AM (EDT):

I think nobody could really over-inflate the importance of motherhood because without a doubt it is one of the most admirable tasks one could ever have. It’s just a matter of expectations and your own view on the standards that you actually want to meet in being mother. Nobody really sets a universal standard, it is your own that you have to worry about. There are different kinds of being a mother and all you have to stick with is how you yourself envision it without having to compare because you are your own person.

Posted by fatherhood on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 7:29 AM (EDT):

“One of the most admirable tasks” Do we believe that fatherhood is as admirable? So often motherhood is held up there but then fatherhood is not. I don’t understand this.

Now I am able to see all the admirable tasks people do who are not biological or adopted mothers or fathers. I know there are many with admirable tasks. Some have the task of being a mother to someone who really never got mothered. I really don’t see my task higher than someone else. How about the woman who works in an inner city school with kids who come from difficult backgrounds? She has a very admirable task. I don’t see motherhood as elevated about the rest.

Posted by Gwen on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 9:41 PM (EDT):

“fatherhood” - It is precisely why people need to be remothered that motherhood is so important. If a mother does her job of loving her children right then they can be people who do the remothering and not the ones who need to be remothered.

Posted by on mothering on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 10:34 PM (EDT):

Gwen, We live in a fallen world not the garden of eden. Something like 40% of babies are born to single moms and God leaves the responsibilty to us to bring chidlren into an environment that is right. Many children without fathers. It is fatherhood and motherhood that is important. There will always be a need for mothering in this world-it is not heaven. The point is that motherhood is not a higher calling than fatherhood and that mothering is needed in the broadest sense of the word because we live in a fallen world.

Posted by Claire on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 12:44 AM (EDT):

I think that’s why Rebecca mentioned spiritual motherhood. The teacher who is making a difference in the lives of disadvantaged children is fulfilling the role of a spiritual mother. The same could be said about spiritual fatherhood.

Posted by in any community on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 7:38 AM (EDT):

No one can make you feel inadequate and frustrated without your consent. So if you feel this way the change really needs to come from you. Human nature is what it is and no matter what community you are in you will run into this. Of course, some need to escape an entire church and quite honestly with some of the attitudes in the Catholic church I would like to escape it at times too. But I know human nature and it will always be there. My parish has toxic elements to it. I see the behaviors and the attitudes but I would not leave over it. I think it all might come to a head some day-we’ll see.

Did you mean to say that the comments in the original article were all from people who you would not consider good friends or christians of your mindset? I’m not sure what you meant about reading the comments and that validating the snarky comment. I thought most of the comments were thought provoking but I can’t recall specifics at this time.

Posted by PS on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 7:40 AM (EDT):

This comment was suppose to go under Becky Le’s comment from above

Posted by Claire on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 7:51 AM (EDT):

There are bad attitudes in every institution and every denomination that need to be escaped from, because there are sinful people (meaning all of us) involved in every institution and every denomination. For people who feel the need to single out the Catholic Church and leave it to escape bad attitudes, I highly doubt they’ll escape them for long. Equally (or worse) attitudes will turn up wherever they try to “escape” to.

Posted by Monica (momof2) on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 8:04 AM (EDT):

I agree with Claire. Every parish we’ve ever belonged to has problems. The pastor, the people, the staff. This is simply the nature of human beings. If you “escape” from one church or parish or group more than likely you will find other problems in the next. At some point we have to try to be a light and witness our faith the best we can, knowing that we too will fail sometimes.

Posted by in any community on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 8:26 AM (EDT):

I agree there is no escaping human nature:)

Part of this topic is finding peace in your way as a mom. I had a hard time finding the road that I needed to be on. As a mom of preschoolers so many moms around me used to berate preschool and say how you never needed to send your child there and that they would learn bad behaviours. Well wouldn’t you know I found preschool to be glorious and so did my kids. This is not a toxic element—just different parenting styles and callings. It is good to get perspective from a range of moms but not to make decisions based on what others do. Get info then do what works for you.

That is one small example there are many others. I don’t let other people opinions make me feel bad about my choices. No one will ever agree with you on anything. Usually when people feel the need to interject obnoxious opionions and put other people’s decisions down they have their own self awareness issues to work on.

Posted by in any community on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 8:28 AM (EDT):

I meant to say no one will agree with you on everything. We usually find someone who agrees with us on somethings!!

Posted by Claire on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 10:58 AM (EDT):

Funny you should mention that, any community, because this morning I dropped my son off at preschool for the very first time! I have to admit that I have worried about him picking up bad behaviors from other kids. But, the kids and families at his preschool seem really nice, and honestly, I would have to keep him locked up to shield him from seeing bad behaviors. It has happened on the playground, and I’m certainly not going to forbid him from going to the playground based on an occasional bad experience. Anyway, I’m hoping that my preschool experience will be as positive as yours was. We’ll see.

Posted by Jennifer on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 1:17 PM (EDT):

My kids loved preschool and I loved it too. What’s not to love? They got to play with new toys, make some friends, and do cool arts & crafts that their neat freak mother would never allow in the house. Figure out what works for you and your family and go for it! Don’t listen to the naysayers, who probably never sent their kids to preschool to begin with.

Posted by Megan on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 1:07 PM (EDT):

(I have 6 kids… 3 are homeschooled… just for background info)
I think the original blog post is awesome. Simply awesome.
I was just reflecting today on all the things I had to do… all the chores I needed to catch up on…. the soccer practices, the juggling of schedules, and how to foster a better relationship with my 11 year old daughter….
And then I read this.
You know, the chores can wait. The bathroom can stay messy for a few more minutes. There is no one looking over my shoulder at the dust bunnies.
But my daughter? Is getting older by the second.
Rebecca, I understand your point of view. But I needed to hear Elizabeth Esther today.
“Maybe what our kids need are mothers who enjoy their lives and are happy.”
Thank you for sending me there.

Posted by Valerie on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 3:39 PM (EDT):

In response to Rebecca’s question…“Do Catholic Moms Need to Chill Out”, I say absolutely yes! And not just “Catholic” moms…but moms from all walks of life…those with faith and those without….those who homeschool and those who don’t…those who homebirth…and those who don’t…

do you see where I’m going with this?

I think in this modern age…especially this age of technology…that we have become quite quick to share many intimate and private details of our marriages, parenting philosophies, obstetrical histories, etc. through public forums, blogs, facebook etc. And while technology is wonderful and allows all of us to connect with each other (this site is such a godsend when it comes to learning from one another about NFP), there is also the tendency to begin to compare oneself with another…and to impose “our way” as the “right” way.

Gosh…did I let my children down by opting for c-sections instead of vehemently arguing with my OB for VBACs? Am I condoning a watered-down catechism of the Catholic Church by sending my children to Catholic school instead of homeschooling (someone actually told me that!)? Will Mary Catherine (our daughter) end up with breast cancer because we allowed her to drink Wal-Mart’s “Great Value” milk instead of spending the extra few dollars on organic and thereby supporting our local farmers?!!!

When does it end?

It ends when we, as women of faith…Catholic faith…turn to God and say, “please help me or me and my husband, to do our best in making the decision that are right for our child and family life. I love all those women before me that commented that our highest calling is as individuals to love and honor God.

Yes, if called to the marriage vocation and then blessed with children, then our duty is to be the very best parent we can be for every individual child…and that might very well look different for each child in a family.

When I begin to struggle with comparative parenting, I am quick to go back and reread Chapter 24 of Book 3 (Interior Conversation) from “The Imitation of Christ”. Titled, “On Avoiding Curious Inquiry Into the Lives of Others” Christ says, “My child, do not be curious nor concern yourself with useless cares. What is this or that to you? Do you follow Me? (Jn 21:22). What difference does it make to you whether this person is good or bad, or whether that one acts or speaks this way or that? You do not have to answer for others, but you must give an account of yourself; so why do you interfere where it does not concern you?” “...If only you would watch faithfully for My coming and open the door of your heart to Me, I would gladly speak to you and reveal to you My secrets. Be prudent, watchful in prayer, and humble yourself in all things.”

And to think, Thomas a Kempis wrote that sometime between 1418 and 1427. Magnificent!

May we lift one another up in prayer and thanksgiving.

Blessings to us all!

Posted by Michelle on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 3:44 PM (EDT):

Obviously life’s a balancing act and somehow we have to figure out a way to do our duties while having joy and happiness. I would caution anyone from swinging to far in either direction; one being the pursuit of happiness and throwing caution to the wind, the other obsessing over perfection and doing everything right, etc. I grew up with a mother that was very much about her own happiness and she didn’t let anyone else interfere with that. Sadly, for her, this meant not being there for us. Sure, she was a SAHM, but us kids were left to ourselves most of the time, either watching TV or doing something else by ourselves. She was always pursuing some home-based business or shopping or something else to distract her from having to actually spend time with us (God bless her, I’m sure she had her own issues that I’m not even aware of). I would have given my right arm for her to have actually taken the time to show me how to properly clean up after myself or pick out clothes or properly put on make-up, etc. Instead, we were left to ourselves to figure out life. It would have been nice to see my mom not just happy but happy to serve her family. Expectations aren’t always bad, sometimes we need someone to expect us to be good moms in order to step up to the plate. If we throw all of the expectations out and just do what makes us happy, we may temporarily feel some relief and happiness, but I don’t think it’s the lasting happiness that comes from serving those closest to us, and striving to do so well.

Posted by Sugarmonster on Thursday, Sep 15, 2011 1:01 PM (EDT):

Thank you for this insightful article! I am growing in my faith with a wonderful group of women from my church. I see so many different parenting styles, some push homeschooling, some wear only skirts, most shun any makeup or jewelry, and they have large families. Then I got to know them individually and discovered something beautiful, they aren’t perfect and neither am I but we all strive for the same perfection in Christ. In fact I can relate to every post here whether i see myself or some one I know, but in the end this article has helped me to reevaluate my human opinions and keep on trucking for Christ. Yes, whether you show up to church in long skirts and three quarter sleeves or go to the hardware store covered in paint, we are Holy!

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