Danielle, first of all, I wanna say ‘ditto’ to your ‘no duh!’  (I always knew I liked you, but now I’m a true fan since you’ve made use of this phrase. ) The lady who takes issue with it really reveals the selfish side of our society.  God really does have a plan for joy in serving Him as a mother.  What a beautiful thing.

Oh my goodness!  How sad is the article from Double X!  She makes it sound like nursing a baby is drudgery!  And caring for the physical (and emotional and spiritual) needs of the children entrusted to us is less important than “me time”.  How sad indeed!

Amen, Danielle.  And, according the the study, I have an extremely high life satisfaction!

“Here’s a study I would like to see: The number of aging women who regret not having had enough “me time” versus the number of aging women who regret not having made more room in their lives for hair bows and superman capes.”

I think that says it all.  I cannot recall how many times when I am out with all our children that people (men & women) have approached me saying how they wish they’d had more children.  I can, however, tell you exactly how many times someone has said they wish they’d had fewer children…never.  Your love grows exponentially with each new child—it is not divided amongst them.

Whatever the number of children in your family, I think the key is in following God’s Will (openness to life) for your family & finding joy in the incredible vocation of motherhood.

We have been blessed with 8 children and another due in December.  My husband came from a VERY selfish family who still thinks two kids is plenty.  It took me a while to beat that selfishness out of him   Now that we have so many children we are BOTH so much less selfish.  We spend more time together now than we did when we had two or three kids.  We know what is really important, what to make time for, and what really doesn’t matter in the end.  Are we worn out and tired at the end of the day?  of course we are!  That’s OK.  People that are Doctors or in another career that requires being sleep deprived and pretty much “on the go” lifestyles are looked upon with great admiration in our society (not that they shouldn’t be) but people that choose to have more than two or three kids are looked upon as nuts and if they are tired are often told “you brought it on yourself” (yes, I have been told this).  Like a PP said - I’ve never heard someone say “I wish I would’ve had less children” when I’m out in public.  I definately get a lot of “I wish I would have had more”.

I think the other point in this discussion is the fact that children bring happiness to not just parents but others as well.  Our first child was born six years ago, 11 months after our wedding and 10 days after my mother-in-law lost her second husband, in a house fire.  What a joy the birth of our daughter was for the whole family!  (She was also the first grandchild on that side.) 

I’m from a big, children loving family, but with the birth of our fourth child recently, we’ve surpassed the family size of multiple generations going back on my husband’s side.  But what a joy our little ones and all their childhood energy and activity are for the grandparents, great-grandparents and aunt and uncles at his family gatherings!  It really makes the chaos of getting there all worth it!

First of all, this study does not seem like it is needed, as moms around the world would (I hope) agree!!

Secondly, I loved reading that comment by Marlene, who has gone through the child-rearing years and can now look back and say how wonderful it all turned out.

Thirdly, to Claire, and other couples who can’t have as many children as they want, I will pray for you, and I believe this happiness would include those who have a big family in spirit, even if they can’t physically bear lots of children.

Love it!!

TYPOS! That should say “God is shining through….”

Having worked in nursing homes in the past I can say I never once heard anyone, man or woman utter a regret for having a family except those who wanted more children.  I feel blessed to have heard people share their joys of raising a large family and also of those who shared the pain of not. The faith and trust poured out was inspirational for me personally. Those folks who couldn’t or didn’t have more spoke of how they used their lives to touch others. Some adopted some did foster care some enjoyed the neighborhood kids. Oh, the stories about other residents whose kids were like their own. Seeing those “kids” stopping in to see “auntie” or “uncle’ so n so from the neighborhood was touching if not down right beautiful. Anyone wants to see a place where children are revered no matter the size and can prove Danielle’s post here true….go to a nursing facility….it speaks for itself.

I have “only” three right now and I must say that it is tiring.  We are homeschooling, so we don’t have the 12 carpools, that this woman was talking about.  I sometimes wonder if much of the “tiredness” that we mothers face we bring on ourselves with too many outside-of-the-home activities.  The children are usually perfectly happy with two or three events a week (I’m including church in this i.e. CCD, Wednesday night youth, soccer and scouts) are our events.  Of course, my kids are still young. 

I also agree that though I am tired a lot, and though I sometimes feel that there aren’t enough hours in the day, I know that it is all worth it.  I come from a family with six kids and I LOVE my siblings.  It is so wonderful to have so many people to lean on, to discuss life with, to understand what it was like to grow up in MY house.  Part of why I struggle through with my own children (aside from the Openess to life that we believe is the right way) is that I want them to have siblings.  Giving my children brothers (and hopefully sisters one day) is my gift to them.  And to the world.  That’s more important that any temporary happiness - like having time to get liposuction, my nails done once a week and to go shopping every weekend. 

The secular world forgets that some things are more important than happiness.  Joy.

Bonnie’s writing from Double X makes me a little sad. I have no children yet, but my heart aches for the day I can nurse my babies, tie on Superman capes and make lunches. I know it will be difficult- I’ve seen my older brother and cousins with children struggle somedays. But my goodness how great are the rewards to all that hard work! I think I was born with the words VOCATION: MOTHER AND WIFE stamped on my soul hardcore! I agree that you don’t have to have a bunch of kids- just follow God’s will. I wrote a blog posting on how badly I want to be a mother: http://eafromtheheart.blogspot.com/2009/10/in-motherhood.html
Thank you for this article, I loved it! God bless all you women!

I definitely feel like these are the best years of my life!  I want to savor every minute and make my time with my baby last as long as possible.

Dianna, I can really relate to what you’re saying.  I only have one child, and I do so much with him.  But I still feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day to do all that I want with him.  I would love to have another newborn, but I often wonder how I would feel if I had a second child and couldn’t spend as much time with him as I do now.  On the other hand, then I feel guilty that he doesn’t have a sibling.  We are open to life but not actively trying to conceive (and my chances of conceiving and staying pregnant aren’t great anyway), and will spend the next couple of years discerning whether God is calling us to adopt again.  I guess that’s the best any of us can do:  leave it up to God.  He can see the bigger picture so much better than we can.

Danielle- thanks for this - its so good to see the conversation and how strong our feelings are about this as women and mothers.  I have 4 children, 8, 6, 2, and 1 and it is HARD these days.  I once heard a speaker at a homeschool conference say, “If you find yourself having to choose between homeschooling and having more children, stop homeschooling.”  That was ringing in my heart last week as I enrolled my big kids in our Catholic school.  And as hard as it was, it is a relief to be back to being their mom and trust their good teachers to do their jobs well.  Perhaps God will someday lay it back on my heart to homeschool as He did for several years, but for now He has released me from it to do other things for my family.  I know this article is not about homeschooling, but HSing really was having an effect on my openness to life and my ability to be with each of my kids in an authentic way. My joy in my kids was masked by my stress and fear and overwhelm about HSing.  I wanted that joy back - and it is already back for me in many ways!  (I must stress that I value, respect and stand in awe at the good homeschoolers I know in real life and online.)

Just wanted to comment on the changes associated with each new addition. Claire, it seems like with every child I wonder, “so, how exactly am I going to do this?”  I just have 3 so far, with another, older child on the way through adoption (so excited about this!).  Our kids are spaced more than the average Catholic family due to struggles with fertility.  My personal experience was that going from 0-1 kids was the most challenging!  After that, things just fall into place.  You shift schedules, adjust carseats, and life moves forward.  Sometimes I feel a little bad because my youngest (at the moment) doesn’t get the individual attention my oldest did.  But, she gets the benefit of her siblings.  I agree with everyone else, though, that openness to life and viewing children as blessing are the important things from which joy stems.  Actual number of children is secondary, and God’s plan for you is perfect.  Infertility or even low fertility is a difficult cross to bear.

Dianna,
I can totally appreciate your concerns about the amount of time spent with your children.  When I had only two, and then three, children, I spent an enormous amount of time doing activities with them (reading, cooking, abcs, nature walks, etc. - you name it).  I worried constantly that I wasn’t doing enough, and obsessed over the fact that someday soon it would all be over.  At the time, my dad remarked that people didn’t really do all of that back in his day, and that kids didn’t really need it.  Well, a decade or so and 4 kids later, I have come to the conclusion that all that time spent with the older ones was well worth it.  They are good, well-adjusted, competent, smart kids.  But, the younger kids are pretty well off too, even though I personally do a lot less ‘stuff’ with them.  They have a whole team of folks (mom, dad, and older sibs) who play with them, teach them, love them, and all that.

There was a period in the middle where I really lost my way.  When my fourth child was born, everything was a mess - house, finances, extended family relationships, etc.  But the biggest problem was that my orientation became more external than relational.  Getting things done rather than nurturing.  And I hated the drudgery.  My fourth and fifth children (I believe) still bear the marks of that difficult period.  I didn’t give them the attention they needed, and it shows (in clinginess, lack of confidence, and whininess in one, and stubbornness and disobedience in the other).  Now, I try really hard to just be present to them throughout the day.  All of them.  It actually takes an effort sometimes just to listen to what someone is saying and look them in the eye, instead of just going, “yeah, yeah..”, and having no idea what was just said.  My sixth and seventh children have the luxury of being the center of everyone’s world, and they are vibrant and happy and good-natured.  So, my dad was right too, in a way.  They don’t necessarily need all that enrichment stuff either.  Each kid gets a different mix, a different skill set.  And, each kid down the line learns a lot from their sibs. But, they really do need to be respected equally, and not just shoved aside.  I had to adjust to the fact that large family life is not just physically demanding (at times; it’s not always, actually), but that it demands a certain personal malleability and submission to reality.  It demands unending creativity and vigilance and acceptance.  But the rewards are great for your children.  Ideally, they become other-oriented too, and go from being the recipients of care and attention to the givers of those same goods. 

Now my worry is for the babies - how do you keep them from being spoiled by all the attention, and soft-hearted indulgence?  Surely, though, God must have a plan on that one too.  Maybe some of the older moms might have some insight on that.

I’m curious how many of you lovely women with large families work outside the home?  How do you do it?  I have two sons, ages 6 and 9, and often times I feel so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it all.  Granted it would be much easier if darling hubby and beloved sons would pitch in to help more, and I’m working on that.  But, lately, my heart has been telling me that we should explore the option of adding another child to our family via adoption.  With this economy, we’re struggling, but making due, so I don’t think staying home is an option.  Any words of wisdom?

Claire’s story is mine too. I’m an adoptive mom of “only” one, so grateful for that one. I gotta believe that happiness does not depend on family size. Might be in my mind, but I always hate the perception of being judged as not being open to life or being ‘less Catholic’ b/c of our tiny family size. It is very painful to want to have a large family but not be able to. At least Claire we know that Jesus is with us as we carry the cross of infertility. I also am consoled by the fact that Mary had “only one” —and our cups overflow.

I really do want more children, we have 2 boys ages 4 and 7. We live in a 876 sq. ft. house and I’m a stay-at-home mom. We make less than 35,000 a year would it truly be a smart idea to have more children? I’m so torn because I would love to have more but I’m worried we wouldn’t be able to take care of then financially. Any thoughts and prayers would be welcomed. Thanks

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