How Big Is He?
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Faith on Friday, August 20, 2010 12:59 PM
We were waiting to go to confession before Mass, and it looked like the line was too long for everyone to make it through in time.
Then one of the parish’s deacons, already vested, came down the row, whispering to us. “Father has asked that when you go into the confessional, you just list your sins. Don’t waste time trying to explain them. Keeping it simple makes confession better, and quicker too.”
And I thought, whoa. Because I hadn’t realized I was doing that, the excuse-making, but I definitely had been.
On our pastor’s orders, I quit that day. I can’t tell you how many times since then I’ve wanted to pump his hand and thank him effusively. When it comes to confession, giving up the excuses was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I used to walk into the confessional with a list of sins and a list of reasons for them. “Because of this, I did this…” I’d say. “This happened, and so I…” I wanted to show that while I had sinned, it could have been worse. I wanted to show that in some way, I was justified.
It was exhausting.
Now I walk in with my list of sins. I say, “I’ve been guilty of this. I’ve done this wrong. I’ve been prideful in this way and impatient in this other way and I am very sorry for all of it.” Then I stop and listen.
I still receive absolution, every time. Absolution that feels better, freer, than when I was trying to throw the blame elsewhere when I confessed.
The other day I caught Al Kresta’s interview with Fr. Thomas Williams about his book Can God Be Trusted?. (I haven’t read the book, but am now interested in doing so.) Fr. Williams talked about how when we make a big mistake, we often feel like we can’t trust God, because we’ve realized how untrustworthy we are, and we assume that everyone else must be the same.
But the big error of this, he pointed out, was the original assumption: that we ever “deserve” God’s steadfastness. We don’t, no matter how “good” we are being. So when we mess up, it’s not as if we suddenly *stopped* being worthy of God’s love. We were never worthy in the first place, and he loves us the same anyway.
I think that might be the lesson our priest was trying to teach us when he asked us to stop giving excuses in the confessional.
It’s tempting to try to find the mitigating factors for my sin, so that - at least in my own mind - I don’t need that absolution so much. It’s a pride thing. Look at me! I’m getting better! I’m almost a good person now!
What a delicious little lie that is.
I can’t say I’ve *learned* the lesson yet, but going into the confessional without the excuses has helped. Every time I go before God and say, Look how sinful I am. I really need you. I see his grace and his goodness and his incredible generosity a little more clearly.
It’s not that he wants to bring me down. But only by understanding how small I am can I begin to understand how big he is. That’s the path on which he wants to lead me.
This will be a life-long learning process, but I’m grateful to my pastor for giving me one small tool to help me get there.
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