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How Far is Too Far?

Posted by Sara Fox Peterson in Marriage on Thursday, October 01, 2009 1:00 PM

I wrote last time about the inseparable connection between the unitive and procreative aspects of sexual intercourse. When a couple needs to avoid pregnancy they must abstain from both aspects during potentially fertile times. But how may they express their love for each other during these times? How much physical intimacy, short of intercourse, is good for maintaining the unique bond between husband and wife and how much becomes a near occasion of sin?

The short answer comes straight from the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

“Sexual pleasure is morally disordered when sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes.” (2351)

The exact line between physical demonstrations of affection (which are always morally acceptable) and erotic or truly sexual activity is somewhat different for different couples, but certainly anything done with the primary intention of arousing either oneself or the other person is sexual and should be avoided when a couple is abstaining.

For most healthy adults some degree of arousal can occur from entirely non-sexual activities—sometimes just being in the presence of one’s spouse is enough—and certainly it would be ridiculous (and wrong) for spouses to completely avoid each other when there was a need to abstain to avoid pregnancy. There are also any number of affectionate touches and caresses that may lead to arousal, and which would be immoral for an unmarried couple, but remain acceptable ways of expressing affection and maintaining intimacy during times of abstinence within marriage even if they did result in some degree of arousal, so long as the primary purpose of these caresses was to express affection and maintain intimacy and not just to derive sexual gratification.

There are also certain activities (broadly, those which directly involve the genitals) which can reasonably be considered universally arousing and one does not need to ‘test’ these activities to determine whether they constitute a near occasion of sin for a couple who must abstain. They almost always will and so should be avoided until abstinence is no longer necessary. The goal of the Christian life should never be to experience as much pleasure as possible without getting into trouble, but to gain true self-mastery and love truly selflessly.

The variations of sexual activity that are morally permissible sometimes becomes an issue again later in marriage when the need to avoid pregnancy is no longer a concern. The changes that come with age can make normal intercourse difficult or impossible for some people. Couples in this situation can be reassured that what is beyond their control is also beyond their responsibility and that for married people there is great freedom in the kinds of sexual activity that is morally acceptable. As long as the couple is not intentionally altering their activity in order to avoid conceiving and do intend to have normal intercourse should it become physically possible on any given occassion, they are free to enjoy whatever kind of intimacy suits them.

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