How To Get Over It
Posted by Simcha Fisher in Faith on Wednesday, March 03, 2010 5:59 AM
Someone hurt you. Someone did something awful, and you didn’t deserve it at all.
Eventually, he apologized, stopped doing the thing that hurt so badly, and moved on with his life.
But you’re still hurt. You pray for the grace to be forgiving; you argue with yourself that moving on is healthy; and you chide yourself for dwelling in the past.
But it still hurts. Every time you’re tired or discouraged, the whole force of that old injury comes slamming back, and suddenly you’re back in victim mode: whimpering and protesting against such cruel and baffling behavior (even though if happened months or even years ago). You mentally finger each detail of the injury: a nasty remark, a harsh decision against you, the various reasons it was unjust . . . and the pain becomes fresh and exquisite all over again.
Why do we do this to ourselves? And how can we stop it?
First, the why. When I notice that I am slipping into this frame of mind, I try and figure out what I might have to gain from it. I’ve discovered that when I am a victim, I am an invalid. This pose is useful to me because no one expects an invalid to be cheerful. Or to work hard, or to go out of her way for others.
Or maybe being a victim gives you an excuse to get upset over little things, because you know that, deep down, you’re actually feeling hurt about something more serious. Or maybe you just don’t know who you are, if not a victim.
The victim role is especially handy if the perpetrator is someone you still deal with. Each time you manage to resuscitate the corpse of an old injury, you’ve found another excuse for not improving that relationship. “After all, look at THIS!” [and this is your cue to drag the corpse up by the neck and shake it in the person’s face] “What’s the point of even being polite with THIS thing hanging around?”
Well, put it down.
Easier said than done, I know. But the first step is realizing that you are the one who is choosing to keep this disgusting thing —the old injury—hanging around. You’ll notice I’m not denying that you were hurt. The injury was serious. The question is, do you want to heal?
If you do, try concocting a distasteful mental image of yourself hauling around something rotten and foul. Deliberately bring this image to mind each time you find yourself feeling victimish over old news. Imagine yourself as the main actor here: You are the one who is choosing to keep this thing alive.
If you do this mental exercise every time you feel the lure of victimhood, then eventually you will arrive at the second important step: getting sick of it. No one wants to be Dr. Frankenstein every day. Eventually, you will get tired of acting like a ghoul, and you’ll want to stop.
So once you are ready to move on, how do you do it?
Well, the bad news is, you can’t. Luckily, God can. Here are some things to pray for, when you are ready to stop being a victim:
- “Lord, help me to see the perpetrator the way You see him.”
- “Help me to recognize the specific ways that I have hurt other people, including the perpetrator.”
- “Help me to see and use the good that has come out of being hurt.”
- “Help me to be sympathetic and patient with other people who are hurt.”
- “I know that You love me. Help me to see myself as You see me.”
You see, your own point of view is no good. You will never get anywhere if you keep on seeing things the way you see them. Only God’s point of view can change your life.
Because, speaking of victims, remember that Christ Himself is the perfect victim. This perfection is not only because of His divinity and His innocence: it’s because He was, so to speak, so good at being a victim. He is our model as someone who has been hurt.
After all, our sins are the direct cause of His past humiliation, torture and execution. Now, if I were Christ, I would probably take longer than three days to get over that. 2,000 years later, I’d still be brooding about how undependable Peter turned out to be, wondering what ever happened to that seamless garment, and cataloguing the outrageous injustice of what happened to me.
Instead, what did the perfect victim do with the stinking corpse of an old sin? He let it cool for a day. And then He set to work making all things new.
Not easy, for sure. But if we don’t want Lent to drag on forever in our hearts, let’s take these steps: Realize that we are making ourselves victims; deciding we’re ready to stop; and then begging God for a small resurrection in our hearts today.
—Simcha Fisher practices patience and forgiveness daily as a mom of eight children in New Hampshire.
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