How to Love a Homosexual
Posted by AGroup in Family on Tuesday, July 20, 2010 10:00 AM
(Editor’s note: Fr. John is re-considering the advice he offers here. I am leaving this post intact as a point of reference, but please read the update from Fr. John here.)
(Editor’s note: We received the following letter from a Faith & Family magazine reader in response to Melinda’s Selmys’s article about homosexuality in our Summer issue.)
Q: I would like to respond with much disappointment to the article, “How to Love a Homosexual” by Melinda Selmys, in the Summer 2010 issue. She says on p. 65, entitled, #5:
“In essentials, orthodoxy, in non-essentials, liberty. Don’t compromise on Church teaching, but don’t be needlessly dogmatic. If a gay couple invites you to their ‘wedding’ you might say, ‘I can’t act as witness to something that’s contrary to my faith, but I love and want to support you. I can’t come to the ceremony, but I would love to come to the reception.’”
I’m a bit confused, as attending a reception, usually means that we are celebrating something, and in this case it would be celebrating the “wedding” of the homosexual couple. It was just stated not to compromise on Church teaching, so, if I may say, what mixed message is this giving to the “gay” couple, and to all attending the reception? Most importantly of all, God’s design for marriage is of one man and one woman.
A: Your confusion is understandable, for at least two reasons. First, this issue (Catholic teaching on homosexuality) is so explosive in today’s society. In fact, it is quickly becoming a kind of litmus test for social acceptance. As a result, those of us who are trying to give vibrant witness to our faith in today’s culture often find ourselves in sticky situations. This is why Faith & Family addresses it.
Second, answering this question in practice would involve the virtue of prudence. When we venture into that field, we can actually discover multiple good answers – it’s not always black and white. But even though the confusion is real and understandable, it is also, I think, resolvable.
Let’s take another case – the parallel isn’t perfect, but it may be helpful. If your Methodist friend asked you to be godparent to her first child, you wouldn’t be able to accept. You couldn’t commit yourself to insuring that the child be raised Methodist without implicitly, at least, admitting the validity of the Methodist religion. But as a Catholic, you can’t do that without renouncing your own Catholic faith. So, you would try to explain this to your friend. And in order to show that you still care about her as a friend, you might very well agree to come to the post-baptism party.
Attending the wedding reception of an openly gay friend or relative is similar. By doing so, you can support the person while making it clear that you don’t support that person’s every decision – in this case, the decision to stay Methodist, or to actively live a homosexual lifestyle. Because of the context created by your conversation with your friend, your attendance at the reception would not be a celebration of their Methodism or Lesbianism, but an expression of your care for them as a human being and a friend.
And this is the main point. Though it is not always easy, we must strive to love the sinner while hating the sin. Too often the Catholic Church is accused of hating gays (I have been accused of this very thing multiple times just for wearing my collar).
But that is untrue.
The reason we cling so adamantly to moral truth in this area is precisely because we don’t hate gays; we want them to experience the fullness of life as Christ desires it! That’s how attending the reception but not the wedding can be a legitimate solution to a thorny problem – it can show that you love the sinner while hating the sin. And in fact, depending on the particular characteristics of your relationship, this solution could lead to a deepening of the friendship, and maybe even help open your friend’s heart to hearing more about your faith.
Yet, it is not the only solution, and this is where prudence comes in. At least two other factors are in play. First, it is reasonable to take into account your own comfort level. Most likely, there will be other gay couples at the reception, and some of them may be quite openly affectionate with their partners. Subjectively, this may be difficult for you to deal with.
Second, it is also reasonable to wish to avoid scandal. You will not have had the long conversation you had with your friend with everyone else at the reception. They will not know your convictions, and they may assume that your presence at the reception shows that you condone the wedding. If some of those people are colleagues or acquaintances who know that you are Catholic, you could in that way cause them some scandal or confusion. If you won’t know most of them, however, or if the ones you do know also know that you didn’t approve of the wedding, then this factor would be less relevant.
In either case, whether deciding to attend the reception or not, the most important thing would be to make a sincere effort to follow St Peter’s advice:
“Always be prepared to make a defense to anyone who calls you to account for the hope that is in you, yet do it with gentleness and reverence” (1 Peter 3:15).
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