How to Stop a Scream Machine
Posted by Danielle Bean in Family on Wednesday, November 11, 2009 2:30 PM
When I shared in last week’s Small Successes about working on teaching 3-year-old Daniel to NOT SCREAM ALL THE TIME, I got some feedback. The feedback mostly went like this:
“How? How? For the love of pete, how in the world do you stop a preschooler who SCREAMS ALL THE TIME???”
It is very annoying behavior, isn’t it?
I have a theory about my Daniel and some of the other small kids at the tail end of a large family that moms have written to me about: They’re totally spoiled.
I’m not judging here—I am speaking from my own experience, after all. It’s just so very easy to spoil a child in this position.
It’s actually a rather nice spot to grow up in—the center of so many loving people’s attentions. But we are cultivating a Problem Child when that loving attention turns into us shouting, “What is the baby screaming about now? Whatever he wants, just give it to him so that we can have some peace around here!”
Not that I’ve ever said anything like that.
Anyway, after one recent particularly ear-splitting wake up call with my Daniel, I realized I needed to intervene. My mini Napoleon was making us all miserable.
Not all preschoolers are screamers, mind you. Some of them whine or throw tantrums or [insert some other super-annoying behavior here] to get their way.
The problem is the same as it was when I was dealing with disciplining my first preschoolers: Kids do hyper-annoying things to get their own way because it works. It works because we give in to it.
If we want to stop Behavior X, we need to make sure that Behavior X never produces desirable results.
This is hard because it means:
1) Ignoring behavior that we find terrifically annoying
2) Responding immediately with consistent consequences
3) Being more stubborn than a 3 year old
The way this played out with my Daniel (and is continuing to play out—who am I kidding?) is like this:
1. Daniel is mildly disappointed in some small way or happens to see an item he once played with in another child’s hands
2. Daniel takes a deep breath and ... screams as loud as he possibly can.
3. Immediately, and without saying a word, Mama removes Daniel from the scene. He is picked up, deposited in a bedroom, and the door is closed.
4. Daniel screams and cries. Everyone ignores the screaming and crying unless he attempts to come out of the room while still screaming. In this case, he is returned to the room with the instruction to not come out until he is done screaming and the door is closed again.
5. Repeat until the screaming stops (This is where the grown up must be more stubborn than a 3 year old—no small task).
6. When Daniel is quiet, he returns on his own or Mama gets him. We have a short talk about the fact that screaming is not acceptable. We explain that children who scream must always be removed from places because no one likes to hear it. We also point out that screaming makes Daniel feel bad too. It’s just a really bad idea all around. (I sometimes demand an apology here—it depends on how bad an episode it was.) We hug and he goes off to play.
That’s all there is to it. It’s not even close to being easy, but it is simple and does work. Just as it did when my older kids were young. Go figure.
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