I would just say the things you said to others IN YOUR HUSBAND’S PRESENCE!  For example, don’t just mention to a friend or family member that you are training the dog… mention that you are loving to train the dog with your husband & he is great at it, etc.  Also, I would just not nag.  Period.  Let him see disapproval on your face & figure out what’s wrong from there… he’ll ask if he needs to, although if you have mentioned it ONCE before, he may soon learn to think back and remember what you told him.  This is less-fast-FEELING than nagging… but I think has more success in the long run and keeps you from getting mixed up with the problem (whatever it is).  Also, in terms of showing respect, I think smiles go a long way for men.

I am choleric and can vouch that it is HARD for cholerics to get what the big-deal is.  It takes a lot to offend them—they tend to have no problem with “constructive criticism” (it is a challenge!) and can put their own feelings on the back burned and simply not “feel” what might hurt a more sensitive sanguine or phlegmatic.  What to say to your husband, then?  Hmmm… well, perhaps you could start by simply letting him see that you are hurt when he does something hurtful.  This may be hard for you as a phlegmatic, because I get the sense phlegmatics like to keep the peace and not make waves.  But a simple frown or not-laughing, etc. will most likely start to sink in over time.  It sounds like he does not WANT or MEAN to hurt you, afterall.  You may have to be more obvious than you have been about actually being hurt, though—your choleric husband may simply not be noticing or “getting it” yet!  Also, if you have to, don’t be afraid to say something blunt though simple like “ouch” whenever he says something that hurts you (although do it GENTLY and not angrily so you don’t generate an argument—cholerics can argue all other temperments under the table when they feel challenged & can outdo all other temperaments in length and strength of anger without getting worn down by it!  You will most like wilt first if you go the angry route & he will “win.”)  Just a few ideas.  Oh yes, and remember that cholerics don’t generally MIND having to change… they just need to see that its a need.  Then it becomes a challenge to them!  Best of luck!!

I am currently reading “The Temperament God Gave You” and discovered that my husband is choleric and I am phlegmatic, just like you.  I had to laugh as I read some of the descriptions that captured my husband to a T. I shared them with him and he laughed too.  We have been married for 14 years, and I can definitely say that he has grown A LOT in this interpersonal area which can be difficult for many with his temperament.  One way that has helped him has been me offering my thoughts on certain situations that have not gone well for him, after the fact.  I try to approach it from the understanding of the temperament of the other person; kind of share some info on how this person tends to peceive and process certain things and that the way he went about communicating with person “X” isn’t effective for them, “perhaps saying it “this way”  might be better next time”, or “I think person “X” works a little differently”.  He seems to take these thoughts to heart and try to change the way he approaches or communicates with others now.  Another tool that has brought depth to his growth in this area is the Diocesan Marriage Renewal Weekend (similar to Marriage Encounter) which we attended about a year and a half ago.  What a great weekened we had!  It gave us the tools to communicate our feelings on a deeper level in a non-threatening environment.  I was able to communicate to him (in a way that he understood but did not attack or nag him) how the teasing that he does really can hurt/annoy me and others.  I can’t recommed something like this enough.  Hope that helps!

Jen- Thanks for the advice. Just last night I tried the angry response route and spent all night regretting it!
AC - a marriage weekend sounds great. I should look into one once our youngest is weaned.

I am a choleric and my husband is more melancholic.  It took me years to figure out how to not hurt his feelings!!  Choleric = DENSE!  I think The Temperment God Gave You would help your husband to see how his personality is on conflict with his family member’s personalities.  He doesn’t have to read the whole thing - have him, read the section on cholerics.  Then have him read the section on phlegmatics.  Hopefully that will be eye-opening for him.  And yes, cholerics like a challenge and need to see the point of it all.  Put it like this (my husband’s FAVORITE line): he can be right, or he can be married.  Naturally, my husband and I would not consider divorce, but certainly a loving marriage is what we desire.  It doesn’t matter if it makes sense to him why people have their feelings hurt, the fact of which he needs to be reminded is that they do.  And he can’t reason his way out of that.  His actions/words cause hurt feelings, period.  (Obviously, this needs to be discussed at a time when feelings are not hurt…or at least not inflamed).  He may not have meant to be unkind, but he is damaging the relationships he would most want to hold precious.  If he truly desires a loving marriage and good relationships through adulthood with his children, then he needs to behave in a manner that promotes good relationships, and stop doing and saying hurtful things.  It’s very logical, and if you can convey this in a loving and not accusatory manner, then he should want to rise to the challenge and aspire to having the best marriage possible.

Michelle, what a very nice explanation!  I am going to take it to heart myself.

Praying for you and your family!

prayers and a hug!  Loneliness in marriage is such a deep loneliness!

denon,
I know I am late on commenting, but please know that there is hope for your marriage!  I have seen Retrouvaille do amazing things in couple’s marriages.  It seems very in depth and well thought out.  I know that they provide a lot of on going support, so it’s not just a weekend away.  Marriage encounter was beautiful for us, but it isn’t right for everyone’s issues. 
My husband and I have been married for 8 years, and have gone through several very deeply painful times.  I thought that there was no way we could be “in love” again.  We did several things to help our marriage, mostly things to try and understand eachother better, to respect and learn to have a more “mature” marriage.  The book, “Proper care and feeding of husbands” was really key for me personaly, as it helped me to understand what emotions my husband was dealing with that he himself couldn’t voice to me.  We would read sections of the book together and I’d say, “do you really feel that way?” and he’s say, “yes!!  Can’t you tell??” 
We’re still a work in progress, but it is SO much better and more loving than before.  The thing that I started with was FORCING myself to be loving with him when he first came home; smile and hug/kiss him and look in his eyes.  It was not easy at first, but he was immedatly nicer and more gently with me. 

I know how difficult it is to feel lonely in your own marriage, so please know that there is hope.  I always go back to the thought that if God can raise us up from the dead, He can surely heal our hurting marriages:)

Much love and prayers,
MNS

Here is an answer to that from EWTN.  Hope it helps.

http://www.ewtn.com/vexperts/showmessage.asp?number=463499&Pg=Forum3&Pgnu=1&recnu=7