I Have Not Arrived
Posted by Rachel Balducci in Family on Thursday, February 19, 2009 1:03 PM
When I was pregnant with Henry, it seemed like the nurses and doctors at my OB’s office were always wanting to give me too much credit.
“You already know how this works,” a nurse would say before taking some blood or measuring my abdomen. Most times they were right, of course—this was my fifth baby, and so much of this drill was clear in my head. But sometimes I needed to be reminded about a “how” or “why,” and I would ask the nurse or the doc to just tell me everything because I wanted to make sure I understood clearly.
I didn’t really feel like I had “arrived” in the birth-giving department. I knew a lot, but I certainly couldn’t go it alone.
This morning, I was reminded how this holds true in all areas of motherhood. In many ways, I am more confident and sure of myself with No. 5 than I was with the other boys. I’m a bit older, a bit wiser, and a lot more chilled out. But I’m not a pro, not at all.
Last night Henry would not go down for bed as easily as normal. Most nights, he kisses his dad and all his brothers and then one more kiss for Mama, and then he lunges for his crib as I bring him to his room. Last night, he cried. I finally went in to check on him, hugged and kissed him, and turned out the lights again. He cried more. I went back in, checked his diaper, more kisses, more crying. But there was nothing wrong with him, so I let him cry for a wee bit. Eventually, he fell asleep.
This morning, as I changed him for the day, I discovered he had indeed had a (very slightly) dirty diaper, one that had clearly been there overnight. The guilt I feel even just writing this is, well, a lot. I can’t believe, after all these years, I would make such a mistake and send my baby boy to bed with a poopy diaper!
It’s a good reminder, though, that it’s all just a part of the journey. It lets me off the hook a bit too. Just because I’ve been doing this for twelve years doesn’t mean I have acheived perfection. I am not all-knowing and all-powerful. I still need Jesus.
But I sure do hope to NEVER let this happen again!
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