Definitely talk to your OB about this.  This isn’t a hugely uncommon problem.  If not prescribed, you should ask about an estrogen cream (very commonly prescribed for women who have extreme discomfort postpartum).  If that doesn’t help, you might need to look into physical therapy.  I know it sounds silly, but our muscles “down there” are numerous and can develop knots and trouble spots just like any other muscles (and therefore cause tremendous pain during intercourse).  There are physical therapists out there who specialize in these muscles and will work with you (and help you learn exercises you can do on your own).

I know a dear friend who struggled with this for too long after birth and finally went to the PT after trying everything else (thankfully her OB constantly encouraged her to seek help and recommened all these treatments).  Worked wonders for her!  You might not need to resort to PT, but I just want to encourage you to seek help with this because this is something that is FIXABLE!   And don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself with your OB.  Marital relations are a very, very important part of the marriage relationship so it is right and good that you prioritize trying to remedy the problem!

A female OB/GYN or may be more sympathetic/less likely to recommend you just use lube.

Is the pain external or internal?  I had pretty bad tears with my second and third children (#2 came too quickly for an episiotomy and #3 didn’t even make it IN the hospital before she was born), and it took at least six months before there wasn’t ANY pain at all with intercourse.  But it was, ummmm, surface level pain, IYKWIM.

-Yes, it’s common
-Yes, it gets overlooked/minimized in the what-to-expect section for newlyweds
-Yes, “just use lube” is a dismissive attitiude, but, there’s lube (k-y) and then there’s Astroglide, sold in most drugstores, and what I wish I had had on my honeymoon, never mind after my first baby!  A galaxy of difference, I tellya.
-Internal, cervical, or abdominal pain 4 mos post partum might concern me more than external pain.  Not sure which you’re feeling.
-Not sure if this needs to be said, or if I can say it delicately enough, but…try different positions so that you are more in control of movement, rather than he.
-Not sure if this applies, but I’ll say it anyway:  be willing to let go of “perfect romance” sex initially, while you are helping your body thru this transition.  Even after second & third babies, my dh & I know that if we’re willing to hold on to our senses of humor & keep trying, things will get better & better.  Not neccessarily back to “the same as pre-pregnancy” sex, but a new kind of good.
-Don’t despair, keep a sense of humor, and give your dh reasssurance about how determined you are to get back in the groove with him.

I had a large episiotomy with my daughter and yes, it was too painful to complete the act at first.  The combo of sensitive scar tissue and my fear of pain started to snowball.  What worked for us was first me having a drink to relax a bit, lube, finding a position that avioded pressure on the incision area (it may be mighty silly if you stop to consider how you look but nobody’s looking) and slow movements.

Missmyhusband,
Just wanted to send sympathy and prayers.  I am still struggling with low drive (though not pain)  15 months after the birth of my first.  It has gotten a lot better, though!  A few things that helped—talking about it honestly and specifically with my husband, so he wouldn’t feel rejected and so we could figure out things he could do to help me get more in the mood.  Praying specifically about it (don’t be embarassed!  This is part of your marriage!  God wants you to be happy in your sex life just like every other part of your marriage!).  Are you breastfeeding?  After I started weaning my baby, my drive improved somewhat.  Not that you need to wean early or something, but it’s something to consider and look forward to; the hormones from nursing might be part of your problem.  Honestly, hope this is not discouraging, but 4 months afterwards seems pretty early.  We had not had much sex at that point either.  But it got a lot better, really it did!  hang in there!

I had similar problems that I never felt comfie enough to bring up to the doc but I regularly included it in my prayers.  Much later other stuff came into play and it was determined I had low progesterone… once I was put on supplements my sex drive started to improve and I often think the other stuff was God’s way of getting the help I needed!

Thanks everyone!  This has all been really helpful…I made an appt with the doc for next week so now I know some things to ask about!  Even if there aren’t any quick fixes, it’s good to know I’m not alone.  And yes, I am breastfeeding, so I am hoping for some improvement (at least with the drive, not really with the pain) whenever I decide to wean.

We got pregnant on our honeymoon, too, and I know exactly what you’re going through! I can assure you that, barring any physical ailments or anything like that, it does get better! It’s not at all uncommon to be dry down there while you’re breastfeeding and it’s also common to have low sex drive after giving birth. I experienced both after each of our children was born.
Regarding lube… when I was researching it to possibly use it, I came across this article:
http://www.theecologist.org/green_green_living/behind_the_label/269286/behind_the_label_ky_jelly.html
I wasn’t comfortable using this to begin with, and after reading this it totally scared me off! I just don’t want to have any of that stuff in my body, especially “down there”! Plus, although the products say they are not spermicides, you have to wonder if they are killing off sperm anyway. I have never heard of anyone in the Church say using this stuff was OK or not; if anyone has any thoughts, I’d love to hear them. We found that, once I was done breastfeeding, we didn’t feel the need for any lube anyway. Hope the same is true for you! Of course, beware—once you finally get “in the groove” again, you’ll be pregnant and go through the whole thing all over again! But at least then you’ll know better what to expect!

Yes, and I waited way too long to get it fixed. The stitch for the episiotomy didn’t heal properly so there was granular tissue. My OB had to apply silver nitrate to burn it away on two separate appointments.

Just wanted to say, my sex drive was non-exsistant until i was back in cycles. I know it is not uncommon either because most of my girl friends have said they experience that too in the post partum months. It makes sense to me that libido would be down when hormones are suppressed from breastfeeding. Throw in lack of sleep in addition- you’ve got a certain case of a not interested new mom.  As far as the pain goes, at 4 months I suppose that’s something to see a doc about, but I do know a friend who had a traumatic birth who commented that it took a good 4 months to feel like she could even tolerate sex.  Hope all the parts get back where they are supposed to… There’s nothing like pushing a baby through your cervix to change everything down there.

@T:  the Church doesn’t have anything to say about the use of personal lubricants because the Church generally doesn’t address minutiae.  (E.g., the Church is silent on the use of tampons vs. pads, right?)  Thankfully, the Church is also silent about the oral ingestion of a nice merlot as lubricative!

And I would caution you about The Ecologist’s origins, motives & methods.  A brief perusal was enough for my “eco-nutter” alarm bells to start ringing.  I mean no disrespect to you, T, as you clearly posted above out of concern for your sisters in Christ.  The article you linked to, however, by itself would not be enough to raise an iota of concern on my part.

@Miss my husband:  see?  Look at all the responses you’re getting!  Told you it was more common than you think!  Welcome to the wonderful world of motherhood & wifedom.

Most lubricants do have the potential to kill sperm.  But I can’t imagine it would be illicit to use them when the intent behind it is to make intercourse more comfortable.  God knows your heart and your intentions.  However, if you’re really worried about it, there is a lubricant called “preseed” which does not kill sperm.

Also be sure you’re getting enough fiber, and even using stool softener.  Oddly enough, constipation was the cause of my pain during intercourse a couple months post partum.  I was relieved when my OB told me!    I thought something was majorly wrong!

Lilacs,
If the house isn’t something he really notices maybe you could let that slide a little and spend that time simply curled up on the couch with him watching tv, reading, listening to music, watching the baby play…whatever…just being physically present with him.  Also, ask him if it’s more frustrating to have you kissing/rubbing his back etc when it’s not going to lead to intimacy.  It may get him ramped up only to have to put on the brakes.  Also, have you asked him to help with daily tasks so that you simply have more time when you can focus on him?

I KNOW it’s hard, but is it at all possible to have sex more often?  Maybe if you didn’t spend as much time cooking, cleaning, etc, you could have more energy for what really matters to him?  As mentioned above by others, Astroglide helps do for me what my libido doesn’t, and I think it’s saved my marriage.  Intimacy can be enjoyable, even if it doesn’t result in the Big O for you.  Having a nice bath in the evening relaxes you and helps you be more open to that, especially if hubby is doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen for you while you soak.  After 16 years of marriage and 6 kids, I just can’t wait for the “mood” to strike.

my husband already helps a lot with the house and cooking!  God bless him.  It’s not like I am a neat freak, I just do the minimum around the house, I guess I am just frustrated because he doesn’t seem to appreciate it, yet it must be done.  Comfort is not a problem, I just often can not get into it.  But Michelle, you gave me a good wake-up call, I need to just DO IT.  I am so frustrated that there is barely any time anymore when I am in the mood or things can be spontaneous.  Like “missmyhusband” above, I have spent most of our marriage pregnant or post-partum, and it seems like we only had a couple months of a good sex life.  Even when I try to start things for his sake, though, thinking “I will get into it if I give it a try,” he can tell that I am not comfortable and not enjoying myself, so he feels bad and puts a stop to it.  So it is really hard for me to just make myself have sex more often.  Sometimes I don’t even feel comfortable being touched very much and I have a hard time not letting my reaction show in my body language, even though I don’t say so to him.

The Five Love Languages books says that many men claim “touch” is their language, because they all claim to want more sexual intimacy.  Find out what his runner-up language is, too, and make sure to give him more of that.  Make sure he knows what you’re love language is, and that he’s making efforts to show it.  For example, maybe he can do some picking up around the house while you drink some wine and take a bubble bath, then have an “evening” together and you’ll feel more present to him.

Guess I’m kinda in the same situation.  My husband is a touch person - me not so much.  I never say “no” but it never seems to be enough for him - he says he feels neglected.  I got pregnant with our first the month after we got married and have pretty much been pregnant or breastfeeding ever since, so I don’t know how much effect that has.  He wants me to enjoy it like he does, but I just don’t.  So I guess if you find a good solution, let us know!

Some of these posts about the infrequency of intimacy with spouses are terrifying to me (I know that’s dramatic but I am very concerned).  My husband and I have only been intimate about 4 times in the last 5 yrs.  Some of it is due to him being on medication and some is due to a huge rift between us and a lack of communication.  I’ve stopped trying due to feeling rejected.  By the way, the act itself was extremely painful for me when we did try, but I think that was psychological on my behalf.  We rarely sleep in the same bed.  I posted recently about wanting to do Retrouvaille but he does not want to.  We have one 6 yr. old and I am too old to have another.  I do not suspect any infidelity or issues with porn.  We do not pray together.  We do not hold each other.  We both love our daughter very much and I do not want to deprive her of him.  I feel like I am living with a stranger.  I hope this is not personal for here.  Let me know if it is.  We are in counseling.

Chloe, I am so sorry for your loss and I will remember you in my prayers today! May Mary hold you close… ~J

So sorry. That is so hard.  Prayers.

I’m so sorry.  I will be praying for you and your husband.

praying for comfort for you and your family

Hi Chloe,

I found out a few days ago that I would miscarry too but just started going through the miscarriage today. I’ll pray for you and keep you in mind during this time. It’ll make it easier in some ways to be spiritually offering up with someone else (if that makes sense-I hope I don’t sound to insensitive) I have three children but this was our second miscarriage this year.  God Bless you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Did you name the baby?

Prayers for you, Chloe and Monica. I, too, know the loss of multiple miscarriages.

pmg, I like your suggestion but my children are spaced every 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 years apart. So….that gives me a 14 year old, an almost 11 year old, a 6 year old and an almost 2 year old. Early bedtime is guaranteed for only the younger two. The 14 year old has a bed time of 10 p.m.! Do you have any suggestions for how to do date night with this motley crew, half of whom would be in our way? I would love to wine and dine my husband but there would still be “company.” I feel bad sending them to bed early because I wanted some alone time with their father and it’s their time with him as well without smaller children interruption. Bit of a catch 22, I suppose.

Kris, every night, we send ALL the kids up to bed by 8 or 9 pm (depending on the evening activities), including the 13 y.o..  They can read or go to sleep, but they need to not be downstairs so husband and I can have “our” time.  They DO come down, and get yelled at and annoy us, so if I really wanted privacy for a dinner, I would bribe them with Fruit Loops or Trix or some other sugar cereal that they rarely get and tell them only those who stay upstairs would get it for breakfast.  That works for me.  If your older children are already in the habit of staying downstairs until later, for the occasional “date night”, I am sure some incentive can be arranged for your children to spend one evening every once in a while in their room.  Children need to understand that it is in the family’s best interest if mom and dad still love each other, that marriage requires work, and that everybody will be happier if you have alone time.

I understand your reluctance, but I have to say that I feel pretty sorry for your husband to have to drive over an hour each day on top of working (I assume) at least 8 hours).  That and the price of gas would be the deciding factor for me, but I understand that there are other factors.

Couple of thoughts:
-how stable is his job?  Or, more positively: how happy is he there - is he thinking about changing jobs (as in, wouldn’t it stink to move into the city to be closer to work, then have something change)

-are your kids in a school or being homeschooled?  if they are in a school, how old is the youngest?  can you picture commuting into the city for the duration of this child’s school career?

-is there anyway for dh to mix up his commute a bit (carpool, public transportation)?  Or work from home at all, even a little bit? 

-can he change his schedule at all so that he’s not in any rush hour traffic - go in early & hit the gym, leave earlier?  Or later?  Can he aim for a daily mass anywhere so that he’s avoiding rush hour?

-do you have any close friends (or heck, even just fellow parishoners) who live in the city whom you could approach about possibly doing a house-swap for a weekend?  Somebody might be desperate for a taste of 5-acre country life & you’d both be doing each other a favor!  It seems to me that would be one way to determine if the noise issue is as bad as you think it might be.

Lastly, based on my experience with a major decision recently, I’ll say this:  fear-based decisions will never bring lasting peace.  Shed light on all of your (and his) fears about this decision, do homework to address each one.  Look for ways to function out of Trust - in facts, in each other, in God, and be NOT afraid!

I’d say you both need more time to think and pray about it.  Since you posted a week or so ago, listing some of dh’s many other plans that hadn’t been well-thought-out and therefore fell through, it sounds like there’s more to it than just “move or not” and perhaps that’s why you’re so unhappy about the prospect.  My dh has about the same length of commute, as we didn’t want to live in the same town where he works; he uses the time to say a rosary on his way. It’s not the country life he’d like (there’s no way to do that with his job and I like the city anyway, though I feel bad that he hates it - but at least, given the job thing, it’s not really a question of my preferences vs. his, thank goodness), but we’re pretty happy where we are. 
How recent is that length of commute for him?  You said he’s 6 years from retiring; if he’s had that commute for 20 already, 6 doesn’t seem like that many more.  Or is the commute fairly new and he dislikes it more than he thought he would? 
We just moved houses (grew out of our old one) and it’s not something I’d want to do more than necessary (and I think my dh would refuse to move all 2000 books ever again anyway, lol!), so if you’re planning to move in 6 years anyway, to old hometown, I’d personally avoid another move right now (but that’s just me).  Also, housing prices in your area are something to consider.  We definitely got a good deal on the house we bought - but so did the people buying ours.  I try not to think too hard about how much we’re losing on our sale compared to what we put into that house; ours was updated and kept up much better than most in our area and price range and we still got nowhere near what we thought we would, even though we took the depressed market into account when listing.  So in looking at the financial side, I’d be extremely conservative in your estimates of what you’ll get out of selling your current property and spend some time talking to a good agent about what you can really expect.  It may turn out better than you think, but you can’t count on the best-case scenario these days.  Also, I don’t know if your noise concerns are based just on the fact that it’s in town, not in the country, but that varies hugely with neighborhood.  We crossed off quite a few nice houses when we were looking as they backed to main roads and really would have been loud; the house we ended up in, it’s not really an issue given the neighbors and the location away from a main street. 
Good luck and try to keep it from being a speedy decision that one or the other of you really, deeply isn’t happy with.  What you end up with now may not be ideal for one of you for awhile, but if there’s a long-range goal that makes you both happy, that may make the interim easier to handle.

Amanda, I had an abnomal pap, twice and had to have an in-office procedure done. I’m not familiar with “LEEPS”, so I don’t know what that might be, or if it was at all similar to mine. My was uneventful in the office, but the pain picked up on the way home, and there was mild/moderate discomfort for…oh…no more than a day. Bigger problem was it resulted in a watery discharge for several weeks—which really messes up if you’re trying to chart your cycle! I would suggest asking the dr/nurse in the office to give you more information—they should be willing to explain what you can expect, so you can then plan accordingly.

I wasn’t sure whether the California part of your comment was directed toward me, but I’ll answer it just in case it was.  No, I don’t live in California.  People in my region have varying commutes.  But if my husband had a chance to reduce his driving time from one hour/day to something briefer, I would seriously consider it.  As I said, an 8+-hour work day is long enough without tacking another hour onto it.  Especially considering gas prices.  But as I also said, I understand that there are also other considerations.

@T and Anonymom: I get what both of you are saying. Not going to comment on T’s legit concerns about using certain chemicals (there is a range of valid opinions on that matter)’ but want to add that it seems to me that the moral licitness of personal lubricants is more of a science question than a Church question right? The Church gives us guidelines to help guide our decisions: ie: don’t do anything that alters the fundamental nature of the marital act or degrades the dignity of your spouse (don’t contracept!). So the only real issue is whether scientific research shows personal lubricants to be contraceptive.  the church isn’t necessaily going to speak directly on that but leave it to experts to determine.

And on that issue, I have no idea.  This article was news to me and my husband who is a physician (With a well formed catholic conscience on these matters, I think). It could be a biased and inaccurate interpretation of “data”, it could be a poorly done study, or it could be spot on.  I know my husband and i would feel much better knowing so I posted the article on the Marquette NFp forum, asking for feedback on the study mentioned in the article.  They often forward such questions to NFP only obs/gyn and ethicists. although they welcome all faiths or no faith in the forum, I have found them to be solid.  I’ll post what I hear back.

Sorry for the errors in grammar and logic…..it’s been a long day

Thanks BMM… I saw that you posted it on the Marquette forum, too! I will be interested in hearing what the moderators there have to say. I was surprised that a site like the Ecologist would tackle the issue in the first place, considering that they do seem to have more of a politcally liberal agenda.. I wouldn’t expect them to come out against something like that. In my quest to keep things as natural and God-made as possible, I’ve found that sometimes we do have some things in common with environmentalists!

My husband does very little around the house.  I even pay the bills, and we hire someone to mow the lawn.  I try to get everything done by dinner time on Friday so I can sit down and relax on the weekend.  My husband works very hard at his job, and I do not want him to spend his time at home working even more.  However, my husband fully appreciates all I do for him.  If he did not, then I think I would make sure that he did.  I would do this in a nice way, but nevertheless, he would learn that it’s not wise to take the wife for granted.

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