That’s awesome - especially since your husband recognizes it!

I recommend you read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and that your husband read The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage.  Both are by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  These books saved my marriage and my friend’s marriage.  And don’t be too hard on yourself and your husband.  You are really busy with many blessings and you are hormonally deranged when pregnant.  We all are!  Life will settle down.

I’m glad you made the reference to the Five Love Languages.  I have to keep re-reading it to remind myself to pay attention to my husband’s love language.  Our family life is also busy, with DH working 18 hour days and some weekends.  I have often felt lonely and forgotten because of it.  However, I can’t control many of these circumstances, so I’ve decided to do what I can to renew the connection between us…while I’d like him to use my love language (acts of service!), I realize that I can’t force/nag him to always remember it.  So I’m cutting him some slack and trying to recognize and verbally thank him for the things he does do (even if it’s not really in my language).  I also remind myself of the prayer of St. Francis at this moment in our life: “tis better to understand than to be understood, to love than to be loved.”  I can’t make my husband love me the way I want to be loved, but I can lovingly lead him in that direction by loving him first.  Sometimes I don’t want to, because it’s hard and because I’d really rather throw a tantrum and let him know how he’s not meeting my needs (I want to be loved rather than to love first!).  It’s a hard thing to do when we feel like the love tank is empty, but what’s the alternative?  More fighting and resentment?  Bitterness?  I guess I’m just saying 1) you’re not alone; and 2) don’t focus on what you don’t have, but on what you can give…otherwise, you’ll just be opening yourself up to sadness and depression; and 3) the more we give, the more we get in return…but we have to be willing to give first.

Re-read the Five Love LAnguages - both of you - and commit to speaking each others language.  It will make a huge difference.  You can get it from the library.

Dear Anon,  I’m going to write my experience here, just in case it could help you figure out what you are feeling.  I have battled similar thoughts as yours in my own 10 year, 5 child marriage. For several years, I talked and talked with dear husband about the same needs that you mention. No results, only great wounding on both sides. I tried very hard to focus on the good things about how he treated me, but for so long negative thoughts brought me down, and indeed these thoughts were an accurate assessment of what was going on. The problem was, at least for me, that the thoughts, no matter how accurate, were not those that God wanted me to dwell on.  They haunted me, the “true” and unavoidable ugliness of them, and that’s how I eventually realized they were from the great deceiver.  This Christmas, I read something that really has helped me: Jesus’ first act when he came to us was simply to accept what he was given (the magis’ gifts, his mother and father, etc), and I am called to accept the gift of husband given to me.  Oh! I realized that my longing for something “better” something more ideal, was a temptation, and then I simply started loving my imperfect husband as he was, and started loving God above all. Perhaps that is not a revelation to you, but it was very much so to me.  Our family also had done something which has blessed and blessed and blessed us: We have finally consistently been going to Sunday Mass together, for about a year now, where before we only made it once a month.  Currently with a newborn in the house (and all our children are 7 and under), dear husband and I don’t have much time to work on our relationship or romance AT ALL (not many breaks here, though we desperately need them!), but oddly our relationship is the strongest and lovingest it has ever been.  I say odd because my cracked/broken/pooped/on-edge -ness has not gone away.  I just notice that my husband has cracked just as much as I have with the growth of our family, and it’s nice to have someone to crack with, if that makes sense. Anyway, the promise of Easter is something I desperately hang on to,.  God can bring new life to our marriages in ways we can’t imagine.  No doubt, however, that the desert, the Lenten part, of marriage is a bummer. I only pray that you don’t give in to despair or depression.  We who seek holy marriages are not alone.  You are not alone!

Oh Anon!

That sucks.

Well then, I’d 1st recommend doing a novena, perhaps to St Joseph beginning tomorrow.  Then I would go to confession with a good solid priest.  I am partial to the Opus Dei priests for confession & spiritual direction. After your confession ask the priest if he can give you some directions with regards to your marriage.  (He may not have time- so you might have to make an appointment for a later time.) Maybe that priest or your pastor will give you & DH (or you alone if need be) counseling.

Do you have any friends who can watch your kids?  If you live in the western suburbs for Chicago I could . . . .  (Seriously, I would!)  Don’t be shy about asking for help.  Maybe some dinners would help ease your load.  I will pray.  Don’t despair.

Oh, that IS a really tough situation…and my earlier comment seems really insufficient now.  Even if your husband is not open to it, try, try, try to find some support/counseling for yourself (a good priest, like Carol said, or even Catholic Charities offers counseling on a sliding scale basis), to help you know how to act when your husband undermines you privately and publicly.  My prayers are with you….

Sometimes when someone is asking for advise, they are not necessarily starting at zero. Usually before a person asks they have already tried several things. Though many people mean well by suggesting that if only you get such and such a book , read it and follow it’s suggestions, your problems will disappear, this is usually not even close to the truth.( if we could all fix our life’s problems by reading a book there would be no unhappiness, right?)  I have seen time and time again where one spouse ends up being the giver and the other the taker. It seems as though one decides that if they can just love a bit more that their spouse will see how much they love them and are willing to give them and then reciprocate. Unfortunately many times the spouse sees this as their spouse’s way of showing appreciation and if they are that appreciated, they must be doing a good job, right? Couldn’t be more wrong ! Anyway, this is not a bad thing to try but it sounds like you have tried and it isn’t working for you. In all fairness I have not read the books suggested but again, it doesn’t sound like you need nor have time to even read another book . My advise would be to set a time where you and your husband can talk. a time when the kids are not fighting for your attention but a time where the two of you can focus on each other and talk. You both need to agree to listen to each other, not get defensive, and make a plan. For instance when he says he did whatever for your birthday, you could respond with a yes and that was great but instead of a huge priced gift once a year, perhaps a single rose a couple times a month would be better( or whatever your language is but you get the point) try to remain positive and give credit where credit is due also don’t forget to accept your part in problems( no relationship is ever 100%- 0% maybe 98%- 2% but there is always good and bad on both sides) . If this talk session breaks down, I suggest you have no choice but counseling. Catholic charities runs their counseling charges on a sliding scale and many health insurances will cover more than you think. Even if you have to pay $10 a week from the grocery money, a healthy marriage is worth the sacrifice.

Diane - I appreciate what you’re saying and you’re right, typically marriage problems are not fixed by reading one good book.  And it is especially difficult if the partner is unwilling to read said book.

I think the reason two of us suggested “Love Languages” is that so often both partners “think” they’re communicating love but the receiver doesn’t often “speak” the same language.  For example:  I communicate love by acts of service.  So I work my tail off to make sure the house is tidy, dinner is made, dry cleaning picked up etc.  DH doesn’t mind if the house is orderly etc. but then again he doesn’t mind if its a mess.  What he craves is words of affirmation. I don’t need them so much, so I tend no to love that way . . . Because of the book I am more generous & conscious of affirming my man. And he’s become more conscious of emptying the dishwasher or making my latte - things that scream LOVE to me.

Often basically good marriages really crumble when the partner do not speak their spouses love language.  Anon’s DH may think by working hard at his job & being open to life he is showing his love.  What she may crave is quality time.  So they’re both saying I Love You but in language neither one of them can hear or understand. 

It;s a terrible cycle but it can be broken. That being said I agree they likely need marriage counseling - the moves the many babies quickly & preemie at that etc.  I’ll pray.

A few years ago, my DH and I were really have a rough time in our marriage.  He was working long hours and I was alone with the kids every week for a year.  We were living two separate lives.  We did a WorldWide Marriage Encounter Weekend and it revived so much hope!  I can’t begin to describe how well the tension and frustration melted in that one weekend.  Maybe this would also help your marriage….? Here is the link : http://www.wwme.org/

I’m sorry if I offended. I do understand and agree that knowing your partner’s love language is important. I just feel that since this person has already read the Love language book it seems to me that she may need more than another book on how to love and care for her husband. It sounds like she is doing her best at loving and caring for him but is getting little in return. IMO her next step should be communication whether on her own ( if it works) or with the help of a third party who is trained in these situations .Perhaps I misunderstood but I got the feeling that , at this point,she needs more than a book.

I don’t say this lightly, and of course everyone’s curcumstances are different and from what you have said, you have plenty of reasons to be where you are (I won’t list them all, but really PLENTY).
I was in a similar situation 2 yrs. ago, and after an argument like you described you had last night, I just outright said, I think we should just go our separate ways. Yes, I know we are married in the Church, we don’t do divorce, but I didn’t see any other way out of my misery. This knocked my husband over. He didn’t realize HOW bad it was for me, yes it was bad for both of us, but he was at work all day, he was interacting with people who respected him, I think it was much worse for me, home with little kids, waiting for him to be my positive relationship interaction for the day and then getting nothing.
My point is not to threaten to leave him, but to really lay out the reality of how you feel, like you did for us. I couldn’t believe my husband didn’t know how hard it was for me, but he didn’t, even though I thought I was giving him clues. Clues didn’t work, he needed direct sentences. Things are not blissful now, but they are better. If this doesn’t help, I am sorry and will pray for you, but keep it in mind, maybe the brutally honest approach is the way to go.

oops, I just wrote you a reply, but it ended up in the wrong place. Please look up where you wrote originally. Praying for you…

Find a priest, a good one, one with a powerful story. They are out there and they might be abe to help.

I was once told that Some people look at everything as it is a miracle others look at everything as nothing is. My Best friend found herself in the same situation as you describe a few years ago only she went as far as to suspect that her husband lied to her just so she would agree to marry him. Since her husband refused to keep going to church and she felt that he was obligated ( for the kids) they found themselves in a downward spiral that ended their marriage.To your husband’s credit he still attends church with you and the family and since you can tell that he is not really into it, it sounds as though he is at least trying. IMO this is bigger than you and needs prayer. God has amazing ways of showing people what he needs to. My opinion is to just love him where he is, appreciating the efforts that he makes and let God do the rest.

My thoughts are with you.  It does get easier with time. I had a miscarriage 2 months ago at 9 weeks, but we had not yet told the other children.

Dear Curious,
Though I obviously have issues with my own hubby, I think you may have a serious one with yours.  My father would stare at other women even with my mother right there.  I know about his “collection.”  Neither of these things are moral and suggests that something may be going on.  While it’s impossible to avoid seeing barely clothed people thes days, there is a responsibility of a spouse to appreaciate what they already have.  My guess is your husband may already be looking at porn.  My husband still has issues with that (he has for years apparently).  He doesn’t stare at others as yours is or anything, but I can tell you this.  Your trust is being broken already and you need to talk with him about it.  Perhaps he doesn’t realize what is going on.

Curious,  I don’t think you are wrong for wanting your husbands eye to be for ONLY YOU.
I know when me and my DH watch something, and something “racy” pops onto the screen, he averts his eyes, I don’t want those images in His MIND! as for magazines, i guess i just assume he doen’t stare at them and HE DOESNT buy them,

maybe letting him know that you think that while sometimes it’s unavoidable, that your husband should intentionally TRY to not look at those images…

I have a question also, My DH and I have talked about how I think its iffy for me to wear a “two piece” bathing suit…or at least out in public, I have before, even last summer -but he doesn’t see a problem with it ... the thing is .. while I understand what he is thinking (HE IS MY HUSBAND) , I feel like in some ways while my husband thinks its cute, so will other men. I realize that some two pieces aren’t CRAZY immodest and i’m sure i could find one
that wasn’t too bad ... but i still feel like the bathing suit issue is hard for me…two piece or not you are still wearing a very small amount of clothing and men will “LOOK”... so is there a difference of whether or not you wear a two piece of a one piece?

any suggestions, answers? THANKS ALL

Suitsyou,

I think if you were to use the two piece strictly for swimming or being in the water and then wear some sort of a cover up when out of the water (instead of prancing around in barely anything), I think that would be modest and appropriate.  There are one pieces that are just as immodest as some bikinis.  I think we all just have to remember that our bodies are vessels of the holy spirit and treat it that way.