Jennifer, you don’t need the physical card to charge things.  You can easily buy things online with just the number and the expiration date.  I’m so sorry for you Jennifer, I can hear the frustration in your post.  If he doesn’t want to sit down with you and put pen to paper and work this out, maybe he should handle ALL the money, let the chips fall where they may, and see if he can pull it together by seeing what it takes to keep the bills paid.  If you’ve tried everything else, you can try that.  It’s a little scary, I know.  God bless.

I would suggest counseling, especially if your DH is unable to really talk with you about finances in a constructive way.  I also second Dave Ramsey.  I bought his Financial Peace University through his website so that we could go through the workbooks together at home—we set aside 2 hours each Sunday night to listen to the CDs and go through the workbook together.  DH grumbled about it at first, but really came to appreciate that FPU provided a useful and constructive way to talk about finances according to defined topics(instead of it erupting into a circular and pointless fight!).  It also helped us to dream together again about what we want our retirement to look like, and with that dream in mind, we could agree to and set goals together.  Our dream?  To retire to a fixer-upper farm in the south of France.  I found a picture online and hung it on our fridge, and it’s been a real touchstone for us.  Every time one of us wants to spend money, that picture helps us to clarify wants from needs, and always silently poses the question “How are we going to achieve our dream?”

When I got to the point that I was hyperventalating every time someone needed $3 for a field trip, I knew we had to do something!  DH agreed to go to Dave Ramsey course (Finanacial Peace) with me.  I was a little hesitant at first tthat we would not be welcome as Catholics… completely not founded in the 2 groups we were a part of.  I know Phil Lenahan(?) has a similar program also, but not availalbe in our area.  Just being able to TALK about what we needed to budget for has mde all the difference.  We quit using credit to make purchass we couldn’t afford over a year ago and the “whammies” don’t hit us nearly so often.  Now if we want to go out with freinds, get a special treat for the whole family we can, because it is part of the plan…  Good luck!

My father is an over-spender and a hoarder, both related but not the same. I didn’t know until I was grown and had my own family, but my mom has dealt with this her whole marriage. He has no problem spending money on trivial things that is supposed to be for bills. I do not suggest trying to cut up or cancel the card without his agreement. This is debt you know about at least. Probably doesn’t seem like much of a silver-lining but it’s better than secret credit cards which is what my dad did when my mom took control of the finances. I could go into a lot of detail, but in my dad’s case all of this was related to untreated depression, adult ADD and OCD. If you suspect anything like that your husband will need counseling and treatment before any marriage or financial counseling will work. My dad is better on medication, not cured but better. I hope your situation isn’t as severe, but wanted to let you know that sometimes the spending is an indicator of other problems. I’ll be praying. I know it is very hard.

Hi, Jennifer.  I’ve been dealing with a similar situation our whole marriage.  I also encourage Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace seminar.  My husband and I attended it, and though some things haven’t changed, I at least know he was on board with the line of thinking.  A book I would like to recommend is called, “Fascinating Womanhood.”  You may have heard of it as being archaic and old-fashioned, but a friend suggested I read it.  It really opened up my eyes about my husband’s role and my role.  The part about the finances basically says it’s a man’s duty to provide, and he must feel he is.  Let him do the bills, and if things fall apart, let him fix them.  There’s a lot more to it than that, and I’m not suggesting you let the kids go without food, but you’d have to read it to get the full understanding.  Believe me, I know how hard it is when you don’t have something for the kids because he has spent money on nothing, but if you put the ball in his court, he may step up to the plate.  You do have to be patient as you wait for this to happen, and I recommend praying a lot!  God will bless you for it in ways you never thought possible.  I’ll keep you in my prayers.

My parents have also gone through years of trouble over my mom keeping secret credit cards because my dad wouldn’t ‘let’ her have one, so I second the advice of not cutting it up.  One good suggestion I’ve heard for keeping a credit card for emergencies is to freeze the card in a block of ice.  That way the card is still there when you need it, but waiting for it to thaw will force you to take the time to decide whether you really truly need to use it. 

I’d also add that Michelle Singletary is another good one for financial advice.  She writes for the Washington Post, but from a Christian perspective, surprisingly enough.  You can access her columns through their website.  She also has a few books, including one called Your Money and Your Man, which my husband and I read together.  Reading it together really helped us to get on the same page financially, although of course we don’t agree on everything!

I second the Phil Lenahan recommendation.  I have to say that I have not made a plan to afford his 7 step plan or to bring him to our parish, etc., but I do recieve his monthly newsletter (and I think his website offers other freebies) which has short articles to address different issues.  Here is a reader comment from the June issue I recieved the other day that mentions the necessity of sitting down to talk about the finances and work it out TOGETHER (which I’m praying about charitably discussing with my husband AGAIN): Comments from a reader of 7 Steps to Becoming Financially Free:  “We had learned the importance of tithing and avoiding debt early on in our marriage, so we were blessed to have no debt coming into the program. Although we had learned a few basics, we were not communicating regularly about finances. We have thrown extra earnings at savings but never with a real plan or goal in mind. Living on one income, we knew we had to be more responsible stewards and to develop a strategy to balance current family needs with future needs.”  “We’ve decided to continue meeting about finances during the time we were meeting with the group since we had gotten into that routine. Now we feel like we are more on the same page and taking responsibility for our finances. We were so impressed at how thoroughly Catholic the program is, in that it all starts and ends with improving our relationship with our Lord and seeing our finances as part of that relationship. Also, Mr. Lenahan was very helpful and patient. He does a good job guiding the discussion even when we all were not able to jump into the conversation. We are so grateful for this ministry. God bless you!”

I’m praying! So Sorry!!!!!

Praying!

Praying!!!

Congratulations!

Holy Sex! by Dr. Greg Popcak.  I just read it a week ago and am still letting his wisdom soak in.  It would seem to fit what you’re looking for quite well.

It is confusing what is “right” sometimes, right? Like, some parts of sex would be less holy than others.  We didn’t talk too long with our priest on this topic when we were in marriage counseling, but even this orthodox priest of 50 years told me that I might need to quit thinking and worrying and start enjoying, just getting lost in it. (!!!) Yes, priests are not prudes. haha. So that was good advice.  I do pray, we’re open to life (no contraception), and try to remember this as a gift to my husband, not all about me, then I try to really enjoy.

Hope you can have some fun.  (Gosh,  I’m sincere but I stil feel silly writing this in FFL. haha.  God bless your marriage in all its facets. )

The Novena to Our Lady of LaLeche is a really beautiful one. Just google around, as there are a couple of them out there. There is also a shrine in St. Augustine, FL. I have said a couple of novenas to Our Lady of LaLeche, and while we are still infertile, she has bestowed enormous graces on us. Oh, and God bless you for being such a caring friend! It means much more than you know.

I love The Great Adventure by Jeff Cavins.

The Ignatius Catholic Study Bible books are good; we have the gospel of Luke and it’s a good study, covers both historical/Catholic teaching stuff and “life application”/reflection stuff.  And I second the Great Adventure recommendation.  That Bible timeline is good stuff!

Do you have any other children?  If not, Father’s Day is 6/19.  You could send him a Happy Father’s Day e-card.  I suppose, depending on where he is deployed, real mail might take a while and may not get there by Father’s Day.  Congrats and good luck!

Send him one of those picture frames that say, “I love my daddy”  or a Tshirt that says “World’s Best Dad”.  Something along those lines.  With Father’s Day coming, the stores are full of cute little Dad goodies!!!!!  Congratulations and have fun with your announcement!!  I did the picture frame idea to my parents with our 1st one!

Send a picture with your third child wearing a shirt that says “I’m the big brother/sister!”

Lonelymom, please hang in there.  I have a miserable foot condition and can barely walk straight and I will offer it all up for you!  Please take yourself to a 12 step meeting too, for the spouses of alcoholics.  You will learn so much!  You’ve come all this way and you’ve finally hit the place where you can actually be GOOD together if you can just get through this time!  And if you’re up to it, listen to Fr. Emmerich Vogt’s Detaching With Love retreat on CD.  His website is http://www.12_step_review.org.