I think that ESPECIALLY since some people have serious problems, they really need support from other prayerful women, and this is a really needed topic.  I personally am not in a stage to need to discuss NFP, so I just don’t read that day.  If the marriage topic is distressing to you, I would recommend you skip that day.  I don’t think anyone expects this forum to solve their issues, but when you are going through something, it is so nice to have other Christian women to offer support, encouragement, and perspective.

The problem is there are so few resources, GOOD resources, to which a couple having problems can turn. I went down the wrong path for the past several years, reading popular self-help that dwelt on the wife’s responsibility to give her husband sex. I tried to follow this advice but it got me nowhere near my true goal: an intimate, emotionally supportive friendship with my husband. When we married, we thought we were going to be friends for life, but the changes of intervening years have left us with a very odd relationship dynamic. I have lots of sites and books about parenting but so few about marriage and that is why I appreciate this forum as one of the few places one can go to pursue advice.

I would have to disagree.  I think that one can find MANY blogs/sites on prayer and geared towards Catholics at that.  I do not think that there are many sites that uphold the Church’s teachings on marriage and do their best to present it.  I think that often the comments deal with the realities of marriage in the hard times which is exactly when people need some support—even cyber support!  Life is hard and we have to help each other.  If some of the hard parts are too “depressing” I would agree with the previous commenter and just skip reading on Thursdays!  Funny, my code is “deal59”

I agree that not every forum is going to be for everyone.  I myself skip the NFP and Education forums, because they don’t pertain to me at this stage of life.  I’ve seen some upbeat posts on the marriage forums, people giving thanks for their husbands, etc.  I personally don’t have many faithful Catholic resources in “real life”, which is why I come to this site.  Of course serious problems can’t be solved online, but it’s a good place to discuss marriage issues in the context of Church teaching and to ask for prayers.

I’m praying for you and your husband.  I’m glad you have a few months to work through the medical insurance question.  This is a thread from Money Saving Mom that discusses some options that you may be interested in http://moneysavingmom.com/2009/02/ask-the-readers-health-insurance.html.

have you looked into samaritan ministries?  its not HI but a cost sharing system?  i’ve been hearing good things about it..

We recently joined Samaritan Ministries.  Here’s the schpele I shared with family and friends about it.

Just wanted to let you know about an option for healthcare that David and I have just recently learned about.  We’re presently in the process of signing up to join Samaritan Ministries (http://www.samaritanministries.org).  Their webpage has their guidelines/ handbook + a great blog regarding some misconceptions.

Here’s the gist (and reasons we’re making the change):
Each month, you send your monthly share/ payment to another individual to help cover their medical expenses- with the assumption that when the time comes that you have a medical need, others will do the same for you.  This program is not insurance and doesn’t guarantee payments, since all sharing is voluntary.  Though, unlike insurance, they’re not looking for loopholes to not provide coverage… There are a number of things they don’t cover- pre-existing conditions (unless there are no symptoms for 12 months), mental health needs, alternative medicine (i.e. chiropractors), et cetera.
For health expenses, members pay for anything less than $300, but anything over that, they submit their bills to SM for publishing to the group to help fund the expense.  The expense is published in 30- 60 days, with checks arriving shortly thereafter.  When an expense is incurred with a health facility, members are considered “self pay” and that in itself may allow for reduced rates- otherwise, SM uses third party negotiators to help reduce medical bills.
Individual expenses are covered up to $250,000 per incident, though members may join “Save to Share” for $400/ year which allows for unlimited costs per incident.  There is no limit to the number of incidents one may have.  For example, if you would develop cancer while involved with SM, you would simply submit your bills each month.
This program has been around for nearly 20 years and has ~18,000 participating households.  The cost has gone up over time, but is voted on by a board.  The current rates are still far less than most health insurances.
Most importantly to us, this is a moral and pro-life group.  They do not fund abortions or contraceptives.  They note that the reversal of a vasectomy or tubal ligation will be considered for optional giving by members.  They are supportive of maternity needs, whereas so many insurance groups no longer even fund maternity needs.  (They’re even be encouraging of home births…)
Honestly, the search was prompted due to finances.  Health insurance can be so expensive.  (Money details can be found at the bottom of this list.)  I read a number of reviews from people who said they ended up using SM when their finances were tight, but now they wouldn’t use anything else.
This is a very simple program.  After researching it for a while, I went back to pondering traditional health insurance and it just gave me a headache, sifting through what’s covered and how and when….  With SM you are not restricted to any particular providers.
SM is a very personal program- money and notes are sent between individuals and members are asked to pray for each other.
This program does not encourage government funding for healthcare- i.e. there’s a reduced rate for elderly.
Members are asked to agree to a statement of faith and Christian living (involving a signature from their pastor or someone that holds them accountable).  There are no other restrictions on membership.
While comparing healthcare sharing organizations, SM had, by far, the most positive reviews online.
Healthcare sharing groups like this are exempt from the 2014 healthcare mandate.
Money stuff.  The monthly cost is $320/ month, regardless of family size (they have reduced rates for single parent homes, young adults, etc).  The annual administrative fee = $175 ($15/ month) + $15 (for the Save to Share program).  We are also setting aside $400/ year for the Save to Share program (medical expenses greater than $250,000).  For the first three months of membership, your share per month is sent to the main administrative office, after that, each monthly check is sent to another individual- what a novelty to know exactly where your money is going…
A few cons: doesn’t cover preventative care (though neither do many insurance companies that utilize deductibles…).  Also, using this means that we will now be technically “uninsured,” though we don’t have any future plans to return to traditional health insurance, we recognize that if one of us would develop a health condition, we would most likely be considered “uninsurable,” though SM doesn’t kick you out or insist that you use Medicaid/ Medicare.  You can not contribute to an HSA in conjunction with healthcare sharing organizations.
Other similar programs are Christian Care Ministry’s Medi-Share and Christian Healthcare Ministries (previously Christian Brotherhood).  Their monthly costs vary.  They both have some fraud in their history.  Medi-Share has lots of reviews online and many are not favorable (mainly about the timeliness of payments and noting that if you have health issues, rates may increase or you may be strongly encouraged to use Medicaid/ Medicare).  For both of these organizations, you send payments to the main administrative site.  There are also a number of non-Christian healthcare co-ops that work in a similar fashion.

Here’s the article from Time Magazine that I came across last summer that first piqued my interest about this: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1992385,00.html
- here’s another I’ve since found: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36473470/ns/health-health_care/t/christian-co-ops-swap-burden-medical-bills/
- some blog posts by a family that uses Samaritan Ministries: http://inashoe.com/?s=“samaritan+ministries”
- If, per chance, you would sign up for this in the future, let them know you heard about it from us- that way we can get a discount.  Reference about referrals/ non-Ponzi scheme: http://www.samaritanministries.org/blog/?p=1436

Just some info for you to tuck away.  Feel free to ask us any questions you may have- though we’re new to this, we’ve done a lot of research.  As of a year ago, we didn’t even know that a program like this existed.

jen and david

they do *not* cover chiropractors?  what about homepathic doctors? osteopathic?  homebirths/midwives?

also, if you have diabetes, for example, they won’t cover that as preexisting?  and the definitely dont cover contraception?

I really think the best thing to do is to just pray.  My husband expects me to remind him and everyone else what time we need to leave for Mass, that we’re due for a trip to confession, that it’s time for bedtime prayers.  I do always ask for his input or suggestions (what do you think about praying the rosary daily, honey? or how about this Saturday for confession?), and definitely if he says, “Please pray for so-and-so” I make sure it is a priority.  But I had to “get over” the image I had of other husbands who were also spiritual heads of the home.  My friend’s husband may lead a prayer group at church and may be quick to step forward to offer a prayer at a casual gathering and may read a chapter of the Bible every night to the family, but that is not my husband and I can’t make it my husband.

This is an issue that we have had for many years in our family.  I would have to say that much of it is of my own doing - in the early years of our marriage I considered myself the expert on children, so I tended to take the leadership in all areas that involved the kids.  Over a period of many years, my husband just let me do this.  So, it is hard to break old patterns that I was partly responsible for creating.  However, there are a few things that have helped.  Yes, I do need to remind my husband about perhaps saying the rosary that night, but if I do these reminders in private rather than with everyone around, they see him as taking the initiative.  Some people are more comfortable with a book - we have a book of blessings that my husband can use if we are having a large family gathering where leading grace is involved.  If we are doing some kind of program from church that involves faith sharing with the family - I try to talk less than I usually do and let him talk more.  Even if I could add something brilliant, many times I don’t!  I don’t need to always come across as the expert.  Sometimes I send weekly scripture lessons to him at work from Scott Hahn or Marcellino D’Ambrosio so he can read them over in advance of Sunday.  I have a lot more time during the day to scout this info out than he does.  That gives him some background for discussion if that should occur.  I usually let him take the role of “Leader” if we have some sort of shared prayer that is written.    Also, my husband is much better at telling stories from his childhood or work stories that have a moral aspect to them - this is another way of being a spiritual leader in your family.  Hope this helps!

RS, I think many moms and wives find themselves taking the lead in spiritual practice.  Why not just embrace it and hand off some other responsibility to him?  He’s still the leader of the family, spiritually by virtue of his headship in Christ.  He can exert this leadership by going along with the prayers and practices you choose, and by compelling compliance on the part of squirmy or smirky kids.  He can lead the Rosary or half of the Rosary.  He can insert intentions for your prayers, along with you.  There are other ways to share the load.  But it looks like the overall leadership is yours!  It’s mine too!

Thanks for the input. I have tried the whole spiritual reading thing, but he never reads on his own, and the only way we read together is if I read it aloud. He does read a section of the Bible aloud most nights but the Rosary is something we don’t do (yet..). I have encouraged, tried, etc, but he doesn’t want to do it and says it “doesn’t do anything for him, so he’d rather do something else”. I respect that and I try sometimes to say it on my own but with doing it alone with two wiggly boys is pretty crazy
I do put on christian and catholic dvds and watch them myself while he’s in the room doing something else, and I know he listens and sometimes he’ll even come sit and watch with me for a bit.
I know I can’t change him, but I wish I could have him lead some family prayer every night on his initiative. I’ll just keep initiating for now and praying!!

Anon7, that’s wonderful!  I love to hear from people whose situations have improved!  I hope things keep getting better and better for you.  I will pray for you.  I love being connected to people through these forums and being able to offer prayers for people—I try to pray for you all every day (don’t always remember…) and often I gain some useful insights from people’s answers to other people’s questions.  God bless you guys.  I have some good friends and family but I still feel like I need this forum for things I can’t ask anyone else!

Dt, this last summer we found that my husband had cancer and then thought for about four weeks that I had cancer - thankfully I did not have cancer and my husband is doing well but we went through many of the thoughts and worry that you have. You sound like you are doing well with trusting God and that of course is so important. My kids are 15 and 11. We tried to just be honest with them but also to keep things as normal as possible. They did not seem to worry so much. Are any of your kids worriers? Even as old as our kids are they seemed to just trust us that everything would be okay and honestly that surprised me. I’m sorry I don’t have good advice, but you guys will be in my prayers and I can’t express my empathy for you.

Praying for you.

I am praying for you! Sickness can bring about such anxiety! I will pray that God will carry you through this. Much empathy from myself also.

Dear DT, have sent a petition on your behalf to the National Shrine of St. Jude.  You’re in my prayers.

honey, infertile days are very fleeting.  Carpe diem…or carpe noctis (not sure how to formulate “night”, my latin isn’t very good).  Just lock the door and be quiet.

(At least 2 of my children were conceived while we had guests or while we were guests). 

Can I just “like” Michelle’s comment?!?!?  Lock the door, enjoy the time with your spouse. Both of my boys were conceived when we were guests somewhere else….

I don’t usually feel funny about it, interestingly my husband feels uncomfortable more often than I do. If I can HEAR somebody talking somewhere THAT bothers me. Otherwise, I go for it. Opportunities narrow with time.