Know Your Spouse…
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Marriage on Wednesday, December 02, 2009 10:49 PM
Over the past few days I’ve been clicking like crazy doing Christmas shopping.
Because gift-giving is one of the love languages, the process of buying gifts for my loved ones has me thinking about the languages.
Are you familiar with the concept of the love languages? I read about it in The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I certainly don’t believe there’s a one-size-fits-all path to marital bliss, and I’m wary of pop psychology in general, but I think this book has some interesting insights. Chapman identifies five ways that people naturally communicate love to one another: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
(Here‘s a quick quiz to find out what your love languages are.)
At Christmas the practice of giving and receiving gifts is naturally emphasized. Gifts aren’t one of my primary love languages, but even I can embrace the practice at this time of year. I don’t so much care about the presents I receive, but I love finding the perfect ones for others and anticipating their happiness on Christmas Day.
But while we can all get on board with gift-giving as we celebrate Christ’s birth, I think there’s a lot to be said for showing our loved ones - and especially our spouses - love in the way they receive it best. I brainstormed some ways we can do that during Advent and Christmas this year.
Words of Affirmation: Christmas cards aren’t just for relatives and people you forget you know until a picture of their children arrives at your house in December. If your spouse is a words person, try writing a loving Christmas message for him. If you’re really feeling motivated, push the boat out and do a series of them. I’m a words of affirmation person, and something like a “Twelve Ways I Love You at Christmas” set of notes, one delivered for each of the twelve days, would send me over the moon. It’s worth mentioning, too, that this busy time can be stressful - if your spouse is a words of affirmation person, he needs to hear “you’re doing a great job” and “I love you” multiple times a day even more now.
Quality Time: With so many things that have to be accomplished before Yuletide hits, it’s easy to let our to-do lists take over our lives. This isn’t great anyway, but it’s really not great if you’re married to a quality-time person. Make a concerted effort to carve out time to spend alone together as a couple. If date nights aren’t feasible, at least watch some Christmas movies together, or sit and sip hot cocoa by the light of the Advent wreath. If you made enough minutes for your quality-time-loving spouse, I bet he wouldn’t even care if you managed to find him the perfect Christmas gift.
Acts of Service: Chapman writes about the importance of knowing what specific services make your spouse feel loved. My husband’s primary love language is acts of service, and I’ve been working on this one for a while now and still don’t have it completely figured out. But for Advent, I do have a good answer: I asked him what things on his Christmas-preparation to-do list I could take off his hands. You should have seen his face light up! I’ve got a couple extra items on my list now, but the payoff in Happy-Husband points is definitely worth it.
Physical Touch: I think that if your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, you probably already know how to offer that and don’t need any tips from me! The only thing I can think of is that if you don’t have mistletoe in your house, you should get some. A physical-touch-loving spouse would probably enjoy it even more than the average person!
Okay, your turn! Do you have any bright ideas?
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