Prayers going up for you, Jenny!  Call a pow-wow with everyone’s Guardian Angels, asap! (Yours, too!)
And force yourself to go to bed w/the kiddos, if at all possible.  Sleep deprivation can turn unpleasant situations into downright dangerous ones.  Tell yourself you are resting up for dh’s return.

Praying for you Jenny!

That’s smart!

Would it work to have your big meal at lunch on one day and at dinner the next? If you make extra, the one missing the meal could just have leftovers to take with him or to eat when he gets home.

That’s what I’m trying for -except appetites are working. Also DH needs to sleep in the am so I’m keeping kids quiet rather than letting them clean up breakfast (AKA 1st argument of the day.)
I’m doing ok with light grilled chicken and salads some days. Too hot for pasta. Tonight the kids and I will do hot dogs and the farm veggies we picked up.

Mary B, try cold pasta salads with salad dressing, veggies and protein (chunks of cheese, ham, tuna or grilled chicken).  Also, frying up several pounds of bacon and keeping it in the fridge for BLTs (the bacon can be cold or briefly warmed in a frying pan).  My kids wouldn’t like it, but I would eat cold meatloaf sandwiches (yum) and cold grilled chicken sandwiches with sliced avocado.  Marinated and grilled london broil served over spinach salad.  Fruit salad, egg salad, tuna salad, chicken salad.  Texas caviar (which is beans and corn and peppers in a vinegar-sugar marinade) served with tortilla chips.  These are all things that can sit in the fridge and be eaten cold by whomever needs a meal.

Funny Kat!  Like I always say, I got married to have someone kill my spiders!  And he got married to have someone pick out his ties!

Hang in there!  As great as babies are, it is hard to deal with a new pregnancy at a time that a couple was trying to avoid becoming pregnant, especially when there are a lot of life changes involved. 

I am the oldest of 9.  Two were planned; the rest of us were surprises.  My brother Leighton is #7, and he is an amazing young man whom I love very much. 

I don’t have any advice, just that once the baby is here, has a name, and becomes part of the family, you won’t be able to imagine life without him.  It’ll be hard for awhile, but so very worth it, worth the sacrifice, worth the emotional turmoil, worth every hardship.  I promise.

Tell your husband right away! Seriously, nothing good can come of not telling him-you’re in this together! My cousin recently had “Irish twins” and I know it’s super tough having two under two, but you can do it! Trust God’s plan for your family and try to use it as a chance to grow closer together with your husband.
Easier said than done, I know, but I’m trying to be encouraging (did it work??)
I’ll keep your family in my prayers!

Dear C,

Congratulations on your newest little one!  I’m sorry that the timing doesn’t seem “right” for your family—-thank heavens that babies take time before they are here!
My only advice is to take the best care of yourself that you can.  Rest, eat well, and maybe enlist your oldest to be the “Momma’s helper” which is a blessing for both you and the big kid.

Prayers to you that your husband will be positive, when the time comes!

Congratulations!  Good luck telling hubby.  Just remember these things happen on “God’s time” not yours.  My mantra:  Thy will, not my will.  Blessings to your family!!

I’ve been married 6 years, and 4 of those years were extremely difficult.  New babies, health issues, my husband’s depression and inability to work (to get out of bed, really) created a situation where I was breadwinner and housewife.  It was really hard not to be resentful and bitter.  I came to a point where I had to face up to my situation: this is my path, and I have a choice to be bitter about it, or to embrace it and grow from it.  My mother was a bitter and resentful person, and I did not want to become that, nor did I want my children to remember me in that way.  Choosing to embrace and grow was a huge attitudinal adjustment for me, but I can say that I have experienced joy from that choice, and it had the added benefit of improving my relationship with my husband.  Because I made the choice not to resent, but to love and embrace (even when a situation/person is hard to love), I was able to see him with eyes of gratitude.  Instead of running him down for all the things he couldn’t do, I concentrated on all the things he could do, and did even better than me.  And I thanked him out loud for them.

My advice?  Make the choice: do I want to be bitter and resentful, or do I want to embrace and grow from this?  Practice gratitude.  Your husband is a child of God and was put on this earth with specific talents for a specific purpose.  God INTENTIONALLY made him.  What are his gifts and talents?  Be grateful for them, out loud.  Your husband does somethings better than you.  What are they?  Compliment him for it.  Choose love, choose to grow, choose gratitude.  It’s the surest path to peace.

Hi Anon! My heart hurts for you. I don’t really have any super wonderful advice, except that a friend of mine was going through a very tough time in her marriage as well. She was kind of feeling similar to the way your feeling ( Not even liking her husband anymore). Anyway she decided to try something that a friend recommended to her. She has only said wonderful things about it and it turned her marriage around. I am not sure if you have heard about it, but its called the love dare. To start off with, you should first rent the movie “Fireproof”.

It is slightly Holier then Thou and produced by a group of Baptists, but still a wonderful message. Then if you like the idea of it, there is a book called The Love Dare-  http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853 Basically there is 40 days of tasks, linked up with Bible verses that help you to honor your spouse and remember why you cherished them in the first place. It wouldn’t hurt to take a look at it. It can be something one sided ( so you don’t have to tell your husband your doing it), or you can do it together with your spouse. I also know some couples who used the 40 day tasks during lent.
My prayers are with you and your family. If it helps my husband only wore shirts covered in paint for the first come of years . haha So your not the only one with a wardrobe challenged spouse. Just try to keep going and keep praying.

Wow! I guess I don’t have a lot of advice to impart as I’ve never been in your situation but I admire your courage for admitting all of it. I am Catholic and believe in God wholeheartedly and my husband is not Catholic and doesn’t even believe God exists. This is our basic difference. Other than food choices or TV programming we are pretty compatible. When we were having difficulty in our marriage (which was right after the birth of our 1st child) Retrouvaille (of which I know nothing) was not an option. We did go see a marriage counselor and that is what helped. It also helped that we were brutally honest with each other about all that little stuff. Since your husband seems open to intervention, I think this would be a good route for you to follow. And is it possible that your hormones are playing some role in your feelings? Some days things can seem bleaker when we’re not “ourselves.” As for appearance and social savviness, those things can be lovingly taught. My husband had to be taught how to dress fashionably and I have to “give” on a few things like ignoring him when he wears work boots with practically every outfit. You can always ask yourself the old Ann Landers question, “am I better off with him or without him?” and see what your honest response is. Or you can choose to work on yourself and your expectaions. It’s really not fair to him if he is being judged based on his looks or social capabilities and doesn’t know that these are issues for you. Since you are soon to be parents of two children it is in their best interests as well for you to work this out. The research is out there that children grow up more secure, etc in a two parent household. My rosary tonight will be said for you, Anon. I can think of no one in more need of Mary prayers right now than you. Good luck with everything.

Have you seen Pollyanna? She plays a game called “the glad game” where she finds the good side of every situation. Try playing it about your husband. Does he have a nice smile? Is he punctual or a good cook or excellent at reading bedtime stories?

The other thing that came to mind is something I once read about love. It basically said that love isn’t just a “feeling” it’s also a choice. Try to treat your husband in a loving way (read Corinthians 13 for inspiration) and I bet he’ll respond the same. You have to break the cycle of snark and nagging. You can’t control what he does, but I bet if you make a concerted effort to be positive and kind on your end, you’ll see a big difference in him too.
I’ll keep you in my prayers-good luck! I hope you’ll comment again next week on what things you try to improve the relationship and how it goes!

Dear Anon,
You said you were very theologocally minded so you probably tried first to discern if God intended you for the vocation of marriage. In those marraige preps there were prayers for your future spouse and for making the right decision. In the wedding were prayers for grace and vows you said.
This isn’t now about if you made the right choice its about do you trust God? His grace? the grace in your sacrament?
Treat him each day like God has chosen him for you and will bless your efforts. Are you sharp toungued? I was. try spending a whole year biting your toungue if you don’t have anything nice to say. He’ll be happier and you’ll have an easier time teaching your children the same message.
Hate the black socks with sandals? Sorting them? Washing socks every week? It was the bane of my existance. Started folding laundry on my knees in prayer for those who’d wear the clothes.
Its the annoyances we deal with that are the sandpaper that smooths the rough edges off so we will accept others more easily and more like Christ.

BTW- something similar stresses most marriages. Yours will be over early and leave you with years of joy if you trust in Christ.

ANON - You mentioned that you were young when you married five years ago, so I’m assuming you’re still young.  Men often change for the better socially as they age. I’ve known many who have - including my dh. You can change his wardrobe and, if you give him some encouragement, he can become less socially awkward.  You have nothing in common?  no shared interest? how about the family you’re creating? can you learn about something together?  my dh has grown tremendously over the years in social graces - but I had to help.  Can you entertain at home?  Most men do better socially in their own homes?

And, you need to forgive him for how he hurt you at the beginning of your marriage.  It sounds like he’s apologized but you won’t let it go.  Time to let it go . . . . you are actively destroying your marriage and children’s future by dwelling on his faults and not forgiving him.  One of my bff’s was in a similar marriage to a similar man.  After ten years of her constantly finding fault with him she divorced and is now a single mom.  By all measures her dh was (is) a good guy . . . nothing flashy but solid, dependable and good.  In her constant search for some make believe, perfect husband she destroyed her marriage & her children’s life.  Get a grip on your feeling and do what they kind ladies b4 me have suggested - focus on his strengths, compliment him, encourage him. And remember he may forbearing your faults too… I will pray for you.  It is a lonely feeling to be constantly feeling you married the wrong man . . . . change your thinking.

I think all of the advice given so far is great.  I feel like I am struggling right now - we just moved 3 months ago and my husband has yet to get a job while I work 24/7 taking care of the kids and my grandfather who is paying us.  Anyway, I am recommending the book “Boundaries in Marriage”  I am in the middle of it right now.  I read “Boundaries in Dating”, and they also have other “Boundaries” books.  I think it will really, really help.  Most importantly stay close to God and the Church - it is full of beautiful gems to help us in life.

I would seek out confession immediately, it’s one of the most powerful tools we have. Especially frequent confession so you have some consistent accountability. If possible some individual spiritual direction with a trustworthy priest as well. It sounds like you need to dump some of your own emotional baggage/hurt and find God’s grace and forgiveness through the sacrament of confession so you can do the same with your DH in the blessed sacrament of your marriage.

It means a lot to have this forum and it means a lot of have people of faith saying the hard things which also are the good things.  Thank you for taking the time to reply.  It really helped reading all of your responses.  I am going to need a lot of grace to let go of a lot.  Funny thing is, I thought I had given up a lot but last night that same anger I had welled up and it shocked me almost that it had been there all along.  I have a lot of work to do.  Funny thing is, i keep feeling like I need to get myself all figured out and my own life surrendered before I can help others.  I know I have been in major selfish mode for a long time.  But perhaps God wants me to focus on other people and the healing will come as a result of that. ?  IDK.

Interestingly, I saw this same situation happening again with a friend’s little sister a few years back.  I didn’t know much about her or her life but what I gleaned from it through talking with her about the wedding (she hired me to be her organist) I saw a lot of similarities to my situation. (I even tentatively talked to her about it, as much as you can pretty much ask a stranger about their impending nuptials, one that you’re a part of no less). I understand now she is in a really bad place, kind like where I was in the beginning of my anger and resentment.  So please pray for her too.  I am asking God what to do with this knowledge now since I seemed to have traveled much of the path she was on. I don’t feel like I’m in a good place to say anything, but man, yeah, where she is just sucks.

Also wanted to add, to read about the life of St. Rita, and pray for her intercession!  She was in an unhappy marriage and used the situation to grow in holiness. 

I too have been in an unhappy marriage since pretty much the beginning (six years).  It truly is the heaviest cross I have ever had to carry, because it is so constant.  Day in, day out!  But I have kids too, and I often feel that I would rather take on the suffering of my situation than cause them to suffer through the break up of the family.

One of my struggles, which perhaps you are dealing with, is the loss of my own dream of a happy, loving, Catholic marriage.  Like you, I did everything the “right” way, and have struggled constantly with my own disappointment that the thing I looked forward to most in life - being married, being a wife - has become my cross!  For me, trying to let go of that disappointment is an additional daily struggle.  (I so often go to God in prayer and start with “God I tried to do everything right, and this was what I got???”) 

But I also really try to remember and realize that my husband, and my cross, is my path to heaven.  Because of this situation I am in, I have been forced to really look at myself, look at my own flaws and imperfections, and CHANGE them.  If I had not married this man, I probably would never have had this opportunity to realize that there are things I need to change about myself.  I try - though it is hard - to focus on the idea that God chose for me to marry my husband and that even though my heart is often broken I choose to keep persevering and choose to believe that this was God’s will for me.  And hopefully it will help get me to heaven!  (I can’t remember who said it or even the exact wording, but a saint (Philip Neri?) once said that if we could break open our cross, we would find it filled with diamonds, that is how valuable our crosses are!)

I don’t know if any of this helps, if nothing else know you are not alone!

You know that saying, that God knows what we need before we do?  This thread has knocked me flat!

I am preparing (28 sleeps!) to be married, to a wonderful man, but there are challenges - he struggles with alcohol addiction, he is divorced (with a gorgeous daughter), and there is more, plus I’m no peach myself! - and though I trust this is where God put us,  and am thrilled at the prospect of this vocation, it is not without concern.  My situation is different from Anon (no. 1) and yet, so much of what the beautiful and faith-filled women said here apply to me.  I especially appreciate the commenter who said that were it not for her marital situation, she would not have been alerted to the things in herself she needed to change.  Thank you to you all, sincerely, for letting the Spirit work through you to help a sister/friend in need. 

All I can say is: wow (and, of course, love to the original poster and others struggling).  This community floors me. 

(My word? “Company 78!”   )

The most recent comment from Anon in regards to St. Rita/ her marriage disturbed me a great deal. Obviously there are exceptions to this. But please don’t just except that you are in a miserable marriage. God would not/ did not intend for marriage to be miserable for anyone- tough and challenging at times but not horrible. Coming from a person who’s parents had a miserable marriage ( they remained married b/c of their faith and for the kids)- Children know when a parents marriage is bad. Your not fooling them or anyone else. Please pray, pray some more, get some outside help and fight for your marriage and your husband. You married him in the first place for a reason, try to remember why. Don’t give up and don’t just accept this. My prayers are with you and my heart goes out to you and everyone else on here who keeps talking about being stuck in loveless marriages. This isn’t how it is meant to be. Keep going and keep trying!

Lots of great advice here but I just want to second what Rita said above.  I wouldn’t just accept that you will be miserable the rest of your life and assume that is your cross for life.  So many many marriages have been improved through good marriage counseling.  I don’t think it matters at this point whether you are naturally compatible.  For hundreds of years ago all marriages were arranged without the slightest thought about compatibility but somehow they lasted.  Also, for hundreds of years everyone got married in their mid-teens and yet those marriages lasted.  I think all marriages, compatiblity or no compatibility, young or old, can be strong if both spouses are willing to compromise and put effort into it.  Of course if only one spouse wants to improve the marriage that is a setback but it doesn’t sound like that is the case here.  There are so many resources, books, counselors, etc.  Just because Retrovaille didn’t help doesn’t mean you should give up.  If he won’t go to counseling go to a Catholic or at least Christian counselor yourself.

I don’t know why you are concerned about his looks because good looks fade. You have to accept him as he is and you can only change small things about other people . You could advise him on his clothes as long as you were not hurtful. If he is kind and decent to you and the kids you are doing well. I did wonder if you were a stay at home mum and had too much alone time to brood about things and need to find other things to do and think about. I find that when I dislike my husband which is not that often he also dislikes me. Marriage is a case of a lot of give and not much take and getting on with thigns

Hmm, this is a tough situation.  Do you feel like you can talk to him about it?  You weren’t intentionally snooping in his email, since you had a valid reason for looking at it, so could you just bring up that you saw that they had been facebook messaging each other and see what his reaction is?  What happened last year when he was flirting with the other woman through facebook?  How did it stop?  Did you tell him that you knew about it?

In all honesty, I don’t think you’re overreacting by being upset about this.  I would not be comfortable with my husband flirting with another woman through facebook or email.  I think it’s way too easy to get emotionally involved that way.  If I were you, I would try to just talk to him about it and see what he says.  If he gets upset or defensive, that could be a bad sign.

I also have to say that I’m not sure that it matters what her intentions are, as you suggest in your last sentence.  She might have bad intentions, or she might have innocent intentions.  But if she does have bad intentions, it’s your husband who will decide whether he does anything inappropriate or not.  I’ll pray for you both.

I would also not be comfortable, esp if he had been flirty before or has a tendency to be flirty (even without knowing it).  I have a good guy friend from college ( I know her from college too but we aren’t as close) and though he and his wife are solid and our conversations were pretty boring lol, I began to feel uncomfortable with how often he would call or facebook chat.  I started having my husband answer the phone and they became good friends through chatting. lol. 

I guess my point is that online even harmless conversations can quickly turn to banter and then flirting so it’s always better to stop it before it gets there.  I hope you can figure out how to bring your feelings up.  Maybe you could start by telling him how it makes you feel? Prayers for a peaceful conversation.

I would say, it would personally make me uncomfortble to find out my husband had deleted e-mails.  That suggests to me that he feels that there is something to hide.  And in marriage, there isn’t supposed to be anything to hide!  If your husband is doing something that makes you uncomfortable - innocent or not - you should gently talk to him about it and he should be perfectly willing to open up his e-mail, facebook, etc. for you to look at so that you can see.  Since he broke the trust, it is his job to do the extra work or make the extra sacrifice to make you comfortable again. (and by saying he broke the trust, I simply mean that he did something to hide info from you, not that it was anything bigger than that!)  The marriage, and your feelings, should come first.  Definitely talk about it too, don’t let it fester!

Praying AnneR!

I remember… and I have thought of you often and will continue to pray for you and your situation.  I always think, when I hear about babies that “shouldn’t” have been concieved during NFP as the best examples of why NFP is so beautiful - that it is open to life.  And if God chooses to create a baby when it is scientifically unlikely, then I just think that God must REALLY want that baby to exist and have a really important purpose for it!  :o)  Glad to hear your husband is trying…!  Will continue to pray!

Hi AnneR,

Congratulations on your newest little one…I said this on Wednesday’s forum, too, so I hope you don’t mind this cross-post!

God must have big plans for you both by bringing a “miracle” child into being right now!
I will keep you in our prayers!

Well, now I’m confused. I’ve taken two more tests and both have come up “not pregnant”. What gives??

I recently had some resentment regarding out of town trips that my husband had to make.  I also felt that he didn’t hurry home and left me to manage the household unaided.  And there were times that I felt I never got R&R, and I really didn’t.  Looking at your situation from a dispassionate position, I think you need to consider that your husband was not traveling alone and consideration for other people did need to be taken into account.  Hence the overnight trip seems reasonable, from my perspective, even though it was extremely inconvenient for you.  He did TRY to help by finding the niece, although he didn’t understand that she wasn’t the perfect solution…my husband would have difficulty there too.  Yes, the extra 2 days traveling for sightseeing is, um, stretching the boundaries of what I would consider acceptable, but we all make bad choices sometimes.  Sometimes, in our anger, we tend to say things like “You don’t care about the family,” instead of things like “I feel hurt and taken for granted.”  “I” statements help to delivery the message with less tendency for the listener to take a defensive stance.  So, deep breaths.  First off, I suggest this website which helps you understand your “language of apology.”  Sometimes our husbands are sorry, but they don’t apologize in the way we need to hear it.  Knowing what we need to hear can help us guide our husbands into giving us the apology we need.  I don’t mean for you to present this in a negative way to him.  My husband and I have very similar languages of apology and when he was not delivering a satisfactory apology one time, I was able to calmly and politely say, “You know I need you to say it like this.”  It really helped me to know what I needed.  Secondly, what’s done is done and you need to forgive him…although this will be easier when he apologizes the right way.  Thirdly, it does sound like you have an ongoing issue of no time for yourself.  Although I do not advocate a “me first” attitude, I do think we all need regular time to mentally relax.  For me, it is enough to go for a run 5 days a week.  For someone else, they would spend an hour at the library or coffee shop reading a book.  I know it is hard to juggle one more “obligation” - time for you - but it’s the oxygen mask in the airplane situation: you will better help others (be a better wife and mother and business owner), if you take care of yourself first.

Thank you for your reply.  A good night’s sleep helps perspective and this morning I think I understand better why I was so upset - I woke with a sore throat and general feeling of getting sick.  Although I had every reason to be exhausted this week, certainly coming down with something was not helping.  I have been overextended lately with no real self-care built in and I have to take responsibility for my own self-care rather than wait for time to do it.  I think I need to schedule some long overdue R&R time with some girlfriends - not as a spiteful gesture but as a genuine act of self-care to recharge my batteries.  I’m glad you mentioned the point about no time for myself because that has been very true for longer than I care to admit.  Sometimes when you are in the forest you don’t see the forest through the trees:)