Danielle - I really like #3.  I always notice a difference when my husband and I go to bed at the same time but I rarely make the effort to do so.  Thanks for writing it out.

I would also add that for my marriage having a ton of funny inside jokes that only the two of us can understand makes him the ultimate best friend.

1. Your plan isn’t God’s plan. You may think you know what your life will be like, what you’d like it to be like, what you want, but God may have a different - better - plan in store. Be open to it.

2. Marriage doesn’t magically change a person. He or she is basically the same person before and after marriage.

3. Men and women are different. Don’t try to make your husband into a woman by expecting him to think and feel like you do. You’d be better off spending your time accepting him as he is and understanding him.

I would add:

1)  Pray about your intimacy with your spouse.  Early in marriage I thought I’d ALWAYS be ready for intimacy with my beloved….......aaahhhhh, then I became pregnant with our first.  It took to almost the fourth (we’re on #8) that I realized that I wasn’t taking my “problem” to the Lord.  So now, I pray BEFORE—as in, Dear Lord, I know my husband wants and needs intimacy now—-please give me the grace to want and need it too!.....DURING—yes, there are times when I even have to pray during intimacy…..and AFTER—as in, Thank You, Lord for helping me to love my husband completely!  I didn’t share this part of my prayer-life with my husband until just a couple years ago ( I thought he might think I didn’t “like” him, you know…).  Wish I would have shared it much earlier than I did—-he was REALLY interested and concerned…....gee, where hormones will take you if you let them!

2)  Go to Mass together—-yes, there will be extreme times but make them rare.  Grow together in the Lord.  TALK about your Faith with each other.

3)  Just ASK for _______ (fill in the blank).  Whether it be help with the house, kids, intimacy, the time to take a nap—-just ASK—-I’ve not found that anyone short of God can read my mind

1. Love is a CHOICE. Love is not, and will not, always be a feeling. There will be times in your marriage that you will just be dry, that for various reasons, you have disconnected. You won’t think you can deal with it anymore. It would be so much easier to leave. THAT is when you choose to honor your commitment, the vows you took, and discover what TRUE and REAL LOVE is: a sacrifice and a CHOICE. Choose to love your spouse through words and actions every.single. day. And know, that those dry spells will pass and that “feeling” of love will return.  If you always make the choice to love, you will look back and be amazed at what your marriage has endured and experienced. You will be amazed at how much you have shared with only this one person for so many years. You will be amazed at what true love really endures. Love is a CHOICE.

2. Time is short. Your life together is a gift, put each other above everything and everyone else, except God. I know that’s easier said than done with wee ones underfoot, but they can have an early bedtime so that the two of you can have couple time. Find things that the two of you enjoy doing together: taking walks, playing cards, praying. And surround yourself with friends who have similar feelings about marriage and family.

3. Pray. Pray with and for each other every day. The closer we are to God, the closer we are to our spouse.

In our pre-marriage counseling, the best advice we received was to avoid letting conflict simmer. Bring it out into the open, discuss it, and deal with it - otherwise, it tends to fester and boil over at the least appropriate time.

We’ve modified this to avoid major conversations about conflict when we’re both tired. Many times, a good night’s sleep has aided in resolving conflict, more than two hours of frustrated conversation after our bedtime would have done.

I agree with all of you.
One thing we can’t understand (if we marry before age 25) is that all people grow and change but not because we make them change. Prepare for your spouse to have new friends, co workers, interests, stresses and even a different spiritual life.
Second I would say write down what makes your relationship work and refer to it often. We need long uninterupted talking to see where the conversation goes. That takes as much planning as a couple who needs some time apart an evening a week.
Third, what my husband learned, no matter how mad I may be, it was not my spouses intention to get me mad. I may hate that she’s late or the house isn’t organize etc but she didn’t leave things un organized on purpose to annoy me.

Remember it takes 3 to get married.  Never take Christ out of anything you do, say, or think.

1.  While, Love is a Choice, so is your reaction to your feelings—You can choose to be happy or unhappy….really, it is true.

2.  Get rid of the idea that you have to control everything.

3.  Thank God every day for your spouse, and add a specific reason you are thanking Him.  Some days you may not feel like you want to be thanking Him, but find something, even if it is the fact that you don’t have to be single.  It will help you focus on the positive aspect of your mate.

Beware of the two biggest temptations against marriage: contraception and pornography. Be proactive in keeping them out of your house and your marriage. Include you spouse in fighting against them.

1) “Thank you.” and “I’m sorry. You were right. I was wrong.” These two things can NEVER be said enough.

2) Always consider how your actions (or inactions) will effect your spouse.

3) NEVER complain about your spouse to others. Your friends and family should only ever hear positive things about your spouse from you. When you have conflict (which you will have) seek counsel from a therapist or your parish priest.

When you are asked to do something, be it large or small, do it with a smile and a willing heart and spirit.  Remember we are called to serve each other.

We also always go to bed at the same time and go to mass as a family.

Thanks for this topic, Danielle! It’s quite timely, since my boyfriend and I are seriously discussing marriage. I might have to send him a link to this post.

1)Love is an action word, not a feeling.  Decide ever morning to love your spouse, no matter how difficult it can sometimes be.
2)Make time to be alone together (date).  When times are tough, we go grocery shopping together as our “dates.”  It gives us opportunity to be together without children and discuss things that little ears do not need to be privy to.
3)Look at how your fiance treats his mother.  This is a good indicator of how he will treat you and the example he will give your children as to how their mother should be treated.  If you don’t like what you see, don’t walk down the aisle.

1. pray for your spouse and ask him to pray for you to.

2. remember that your spouse can not read your mind.

3. say ‘I love you’ but let your actions speak louder than your words.

1. Keep a sense of humor. Laughter is strong medicine. My husband and I have learned to laugh at silly stuff, things we can’t control (antsy babies, constipated preschoolers) as well as more serious things (unexpected bills, a loved one dying). Sometimes laughing (even through the tears) is all you can do when life hands you lemons and you find you’re all out of sugar and maybe even water, so there’s no chance in you-know-where of making any lemonade.

2. Recognize that marriage has its ups and downs and different stages. I’m a hopeless romantic. I always have been. I like to be spontaneous when it comes to love and to read Shakespearean love sonnets, to listen to the likes of Air Supply, and to be surprised with notes or flowers for no other reason than “just because I love you.” This is all fine and dandy, and sometimes it happens. But in the context of a marriage with kids and more kids, this isn’t always possible. Sometimes spontaneous love fests just ain’t gonna happen. So we schedule at-home date nights and hope the kids will stay in bed long enough for us to gaze into one another’s eyes for a few seconds or to watch our latest Netflix selection while sitting next to one another.

Marriage isn’t always rosy and romantic. It’s downright hard sometimes. There have been times when I’ve felt like a crazy, lovesick teenager. There have been other times when I’ve felt stressed or exhausted or both, and I’ve really had to work on nurturing my marriage. Romantic love is wonderful, but it’s not enough to sustain a marriage. As Mother Teresa said, it’s not real love until it hurts. What “true love” is really about is making the decision to put someone else’s needs above your own. Yes, love is ultimately a decision. (Never thought a romantic, feely person like myself would ever say that.) I have made the decision to love my husband for better or worse. Thankfully, there’s been a lot more of the “better” for us.

3. Never underestimate the power of prayer or the sacraments. The best thing I can do when my marriage feels like it’s hurting or even when we’re basking in bliss, which is more often than naught thanks to my great husband, is to have confidence in the graces I receive through prayer and the sacraments. Not one marriage can fail if we invite Jesus to be at its center by regularly praying and participating in the sacraments.

I’d modify the third rule to go to sleep together OR get up together.

For various reasons - ranging from quite different sleep requirements (I need an hour more sleep at the best of times) to interesting work schedules, we normally do not go to bed at the same time (my husband currently gets home from work after midnight).

We do however normally wake up together and spend some time reconnecting then.

1.  Keep God at the center.  Praying together, making sure to go to Sunday Mass together (we don’t have kids yet and thus it is easier), adoration, confession offer so much grace to you individually and as a couple.

2.  The little things DO matter.  “I love you,” “What time will you be home so I can have dinner ready?,” my husband checking my oil early in the morning before work…all of those little things make a BIG difference.

3.  For the wife: Read “The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  That book really changed my perspective and helped me more appreciate my boyfriend/soon-to-be husband.  I think it should be required reading, especially for girls like me who have a few too many (ultra) feminist tendancies.

1.  Be on his team, always, in public and with your friends.  Don’t ever show a hint of embarassment about the things he says and does - or worse, make fun of him.  YOU agreed to join your identity with his, so act like it.

2.  Be grateful to him.  Men like to hear “thank you”.  And show gratitude—if he works so you can stay home, get up with him and make his lunch.

3.  God made him in His image.  Don’t try to remake him in your image.  Let him be himself.

Don’t forget you are living a Sacrament and that there are three in your marriage.  Be obedient; to God, to yourself and to your spouse.

Pray for the grace to live out your marriage in a way that teaches your children how to be the husbands, wives or consecrated that God intends them to be.

It’s been said before but you MUST choose to love EVERY day. 

God loves you so much that if you keep your hearts open to His will your lives together will not always be easy, but they will be beautiful and the whole Body of Christ will benefit from your love.

These are all terrific!  I’d only add—be polite!  Remember to say please and thank you, smile nicely when you have a request, and let him do it when he is ready to do it.

I got two good pieces of advice from my parents before I got married a year ago. 

From my mom:  “You have to get over needing things go be perfect or you’ll never make it”  She meant in terms of housework, but it applies in so many areas.

From my dad: “offering him criticism about him is ok, he is in control of that, but offering criticism about his family isn’t fair.”  Not only is it not “fair”, it’s also emotionally CHARGED.  Tread lightly.

1.  Figure out what “unity” means.  Figure out how to become “one” and then how to protect it.  When you figure that out, you will be able to see Christ in your spouse.  When you are able to do that- you have arrived.  To save you a lot of time and frustration I should also add that you can’t do any of this without the grace of God.   
2.  Show each other kindness every day.  Smiles, eye contact, Thank yous, I love yous, kitchen hugs, Can I get something for you?, etc.  Anything that communicates that you still choose him or her.
3.  Consider getting rid of your TV.

Melissa writes: “God made him in His image.  Don’t try to remake him in your image.  Let him be himself.”
I love this!  My husband and I have been married for 16 years and it took quite a while before I figured this one out.  You are so right!

Nice post.

I would add:

Give yourself and your spouse time to adjust spiritually. What worked for your spiritual life before might not work now. I knew marriage was an adjustment but it never dawned on me how I prayed or sought God in my daily life would change so much.

refuse to ever consider ending the marriage,remember you do love each other and all things pass

1.  It’s not supposed to be easy.  It takes work on both involved each and every day.
2.  Enjoy each moment together and remember every day why you love and appreciate your spouse.
3.  Put your family first.  Yes, we all need to work, take care of the kids, laundry, etc.  Remember that your spouse/family should get much of your attention too.

This has been said, but the #1 thing I have learned in 7 years of marriage is “Don’t expect him to be able to read your mind.”  What may seem glaringly obvious to you.  Tell him want you need / want.  Along those lines, “The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman has helped us more than any other marriage book.  The second thing I would say is to always be respectful of each other.  The saying familiarity breeds contempt has no place in marriage - be vigilant about avoiding it by practicing courtesy, kindness, forgiving and asking for forgiveness.  Finally, it really is important to form a daily habit of prayer FOR each other and WITH each other.  We keep coming back to this.

Oops - Should have edited that first thing to read ” He probably won’t even notice or think about things that may seem glaringly obvious to you.”

Lots of good comments on how to nourish a marriage AFTER you say “I do.” Not as many to consider BEFORE committing.
1. If there is a negative trait you don’t like before marriage (controlling, angry behavior, spendthrift habits, drinking too much, flirting with others), don’t be quick to dismiss- This is a red flag. These behaviors often worsen after marriage if not addressed directly.

2. Discuss more than just whether you want kids “someday” or not. Discuss what you mean by “open to life”. Research the signs and effects of postpartum depression- a husband can find himself dead last on the list of considerations after children come, maybe for a WHILE. If not aware of some possible roots of mom’s changed behavior, it can result in serious setbacks in the relationship.

3. Decide on rules of do’s & don’t's when arguing. Stick to the rules. You will disagree. How disagreements and arguments are resolved makes a big difference in the health of a marriage. (I.e.: no sarcasm, no name-calling, no rehashing, no interrupting…). This was more concrete and helpful to me than just “Don’t go to bed angry”.

All of this advice is so great, the only thing I would add is YES this does apply to you and your new or potential spouse and YES it WILL apply to you in the future.  It’s easy before marriage and kids to dismiss advice as being really good for “other” people.  You have no idea right now how much marriage and your spouse will sometimes hurt you, but you also have no clue how much marriage and your spouse will deeply deeply bless you.  All of this advice boils down to “actively love your spouse even when you don’t feel love for them and when you think they aren’t loving you”.  Accept that this will happen to you and LOVE LOVE LOVE!  You will both grow and change in ways you can’t fathom and love each other more deeply than you can understand.

2. Don’t keep score.  (Just a way to rephrase Danielle’s # 2.)      All are great!

1. Make God first, your spouse second, your children third. This means: pray together daily, attend Mass together (whenever possible-bring the kids!), and make time for personal prayer in the course of your daily life.  A stool with only two legs instead of three cannot stand up.  Your marriage cannot stand up if God isn’t an integral part of it. Your children are a product of your marriage, your marriage is not a product of your children.  It can be very easy to put the needs of your children before the needs of your spouse.  Do not make this mistake.  You and your spouse and God are a team. 
2. No dirty pool when you disagree.  You may not threaten your husband or wife, you may not bring up past disagreements in a current fight and you may not call names.  You may not use blanket statements such as: “You always…” “you never…”  “I always…” “I never…”.  Stick to the current disagreement, talk like civilized adults, and remember that you love this person. 
3. Remember that love isn’t a feeling, it’s an active choice.  If you work hard at it, you’ll feel that gushy, “I’m-so-in-love-feeling” every day for the rest of your life.  Chances are, you won’t feel that way every day.  S/he is going to make you crazy some days.  You have to wake up every morning and say, “Yes, I put you right behind God on my priority list.  I will do everything in my power to let you know every moment of every day that you are more important to me than any other human being.

Great comments!  I’d add:

1.  Learn how to make your spouse’s favorite dish and make it often.
2.  Be kind to one another.
3.  Become interested in what interests your spouse.  You may not care one way or another about the Dallas Cowboys, but by reading the sports pages every now and then, you may learn something new and impress your dear husband!

1. This applies to marriage once kids are in the picture:  Your marriage comes first.  Don’t neglect your children, but don’t neglect your marriage for the sake of your children either.  You were husband and wife before you were Mom and Dad.  Cherish that relationship.

2. Even if your spouse’s hobbies/interests are dreadfully dull to you, make an effort to understand them and at least appreciate your spouse’s enthusiasm for them.  I’m not saying one should go to a football game and be miserable, which would be fun for no one, but don’t resent your spouse’s interest either. And if you can find a way to enjoy it, even better!

3. Unless it is a dangerous/extreme situation, don’t let your small issues with in-laws cause conflict in your own marriage.  Choose to be the grownup and let things go as much as possible.

I think, at this point, I am repeating but…

1.  Your marriage comes first-PERIOD.  You have to nurture your romance or it dies.

2.  Ask questions NOW! On everything from school choices to politics, Welfare, tatoos, firearms…Believe me, I never thought to ask how my husband felt about vaccinations.  Think of things that matter to you, even if they seem light years away at the time.

3.  As far as the Church goes, be willing to be a “single parent.”  I got this advice from a priest.  My husband was not raised in the faith the way that I was.  You have to be willing to raise Catholic kids ALONE.  You have to be the sole teacher, Rosary-sayer, Grace-sayer, etc…If you love him and feel called to marry him in the Sacrament of Marriage, you have to provide it all, if he can’t or won’t.

1.  Newlyweds should know that it’s okay not to have all your ducks in a row immediately.  Things like family traditions take a long time to get established, especially if your families of origin had very different ways of doing things.  You’re going to be married for a long time, so don’t strain your relationship by trying to get everything perfect in the first year.

2.  Be polite to each other.  Home should be a place where you can count on kindness from others.  You can be honest with each other, and say the things that need to be said, without being rude or harsh.

3.  Pray together, and pray for each other’s happiness and well-being, every single day.

Are there any men reading this?

My advice:  Don’t get married.  All those little annoying things about your intended?  You can’t change them.  In fact, they’ll get worse.  And your intended will develop new things to annoy you, like an interest in golf, or NASCAR, or something stupid or expensive.  And there’ll be money problems.

So just don’t get married.  (I believe that anyone who can be talked out of marrying, should be.)

But if you simply must, my best bits of advice are these:  Rule one must be:  divorce is not an option.  If divorce is an option, you may be tempted not to give your all.

And item #2:  don’t wait too long to have kids.  (Also, two kids is the hardest number.  They get easier after two.)

So much of this advice is great!

My two cents: the first year can be VERY hard.  You are beginning to find out HOW to be husband and wife.  What are your expectations for the other person and their expectations for you?  I had a friend whose father would automatically take care of certain things around their home.  Her husband had grown up without his father in the same state, let alone the smae house.  Her unspoken expectations of what should be his responsibilities were things he hadn’t considered.  If either of you comes from a family of origin where there was divorce you may have ideals that need to be communicated.

My own father used to just disappear for hours at a time.  This was as my parents’ marriage was falling apart.  So my poor, new husband had to suffer through a mini-breakdown on my part when, shortly after our honeymoon, he went out to run some errands without telling me.  He was used to the coming and going without “checking in”. 

We also promised, as we watched some husbands or wives disappear for whole days every weekend with their friends to continue a hobby they were able to indulge in freely before marriage and childre, that we wouldn’t allow ourselves to become overly involved in an activity that took us away from the other to that extent. 

Now, that doesn’t mean I can’t have my book club or yoga, etc.  And he loves his middle of the week basketball games with the guys.  But we don’t disappear for an entire Saturday, every week, to shop/golf, etc., forgoing time with each other.

Couple of things I’d like to add.

1. Realize that the sacramental grace of marriage is incredibly powerful, and is a tool to use throughout your marriage. Ask for this grace at times when you seem to be up against a wall with your spouse on the other side. God promises us the grace we need, when we need it, not only to keep our marriage together, but to make it a truly visible, bright sign of Christ’s love of the Church. Sometimes we have to stop ourselves and humbly ask God for this grace. Obstacles crumble against the power of answered prayer.
2. Sometimes it means saying to God, “Please, Lord, help me to see my spouse through your loving eyes. Help me to see him as you see him.” This doesn’t mean rose-colored glasses, it means knowing the shortcomings but seeing beyond them to the man (or woman) God envisions our spouse to become. It helps me to treat my husband more lovingly knowing that through my unconditional love, he is accepted but also challenged to become that man.
3. Ask others for prayers too. Marriage is not JUST between you and your spouse and God - it affects the whole community and Church. That’s why we are usually married surrounded by family, friends, and others. When we struggle, others can lift us up in prayer - they don’t have to know the details, just that you are struggling and that you could use some extra prayers.

Great advice! I would add:
1) When you have an argument do not “hit below the belt”. Early on I learned how much damage words can do. If you become so angry you can’t articulate other than in an ugly way-don’t. Take 10 minutes and let the impulse pass.
2)Respect. Respect. Respect. Brag about your spouse when you can. Not in an arrogant “my hubby is better than yours” manner, but in a way in which you show genuine appreciation for him. So many times that translates into realizing what a prince we have. 3) Kiss often-when you pass in room, or when you’re exchanging kids in a parking lot. A smooch thrown in to the hustle and bustle reminds us to be thankful for the sacrament of marriage.

As an approaching 2 yrs married I would tell a soon to be married:
1- Celebrate marriage daily - find some way, any way to express to your spouse that your life is better because he’s in it.
2- Realize that if you let it be, love is all around - you don’t need to go on an elaborate vacay together; love and gratitutude for one another can swoon doing chores together, doing something for someone your spouse loves, or even sending simple emails to each other during the day.
3-when you are annoying one another, address it, apologize, forgive and move on.  You’ve committed to each other for life, effectively saying I accept your flaws and still love you!  No need to dwell on each others’ imperfections.

All great comments up there!  I like what the one guy said about divorce not being an option.  When we got married, my husband promised and made me promise that divorce will not be part of our vocabulary.  It works!!

I would add:
Be very careful what you say to others about your husband.  Praise him often and he will live up to your expectations (and vice versa, my hubby only ever has good things to say about me).  You will also come to appreciate more and never forget the many qualities that made you fall in love in the first place.  Putting him down, whether in front of him or behind his back, will only undermine your marriage (and the way YOU look at him) in so many ways you can’t begin to anticipate.  My husband and I don’t criticize each other in front of other people, even our own kids.  We wait to talk about our differences in private.  This is one way we’ve preserved and grown our respect for each other through the years.

I agree with many of the comments, esp those by: #6 Mary, #15 Kate, #18 Melissa, #22 Julia, #25 Marion, #38 Paul, & # 41 Rachel.  To add or clarify, I’d say:
1) Your spouse will change, but do not, I repeat, **DO NOT** go into the covenant *EXPECTING* him/her to change the way YOU want it to be.  If s/he puts up with you and your annoying faults (be honest), even on days when you wish you could run away from your own self, then tender that same indulgence to him/her.  Like a good mom will still love her kid when it becomes a (shudder) teenager.  Think about it.
2)  Respect—some hubbies or wives don’t like being bragged about in public.  But after watching my friends go thru multiple divorces, I’ve decided that “love” is a pleasant thing, but marriage must be based on God’s love and then on respecting the other party.  DO NOT MARRY someone if your secret mind thinks, “I respect him/her except for [insert major huge crippling character flaw here].”  I’m not talking about stuff like “She’s a slob,” but more like “He never shows up on time b/c his friends are more important to him than I am.”  Actions and attitudes, in other words, that show a MAJOR lack of respect for YOU.  Mutual respect.  It’s the key as far as this old broad is concerned.
3) Forgive without strings.  I knew my husband loved me the day that I lost a major deposit for his company, and his response was, “That was yesterday.  Now we figure out what to do today.”  Blown away!  How could anyone love me that much?  It was ... um ... Christlike. I’m not saying, “Stick around if your boyfriend hits you.”  I’m saying: Forgive him for leaving his socks on the floor, forgive her for forgetting to send your mother’s birthday card, all those things that would make you feel bad if you did them yourself.

I asked my stepdaughter what she’d say.  Here are her suggestions:
1)  Learn what buttons NOT to push, and (not to say sacrifice your own morals) don’t trigger those moments.
2) Give it at least FIVE YEARS before you worry about not being comfortable and happy every day.  There will be rough patches.
3)  If you spend as much time on your homework as you do on avoiding homework, you’ll get it done twice as fast.  This means, put as much time, energy and money into keeping your marriage alive as many do in getting a divorce.  The outcome will be better.  If you are wanting to “call it quits,” realize the power struggle will eat you both alive and it’s better to give up some of your POWER and learn to compromise than to try to “win” and make everyone lose.

This may be a very different post from any other, but I think it is worth saying.  When we get married, we take each other “for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, and in sickenss and in health…”  This is a profound promise…don’t take it lightly.  A little over six years ago I was diagnosed with a cancer within my bone marrow.  My husband has gone above and beyond his promise to be true to me in sickness.  But that is not the only thing this promise means.  When one of us is sick (and I feel this can even apply during pregnancy), and we do not feel as attractive as we should…with loss of hair from chemo, having scars from surgery or weight gain with pregnancy…we still are committed to try to not be so overwhelmed by our present condition that we forget to be a loving spouse. 
Next July, my husband and I, God willing, will celebrate our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  If either of us took those vows lightly, we would not be together today.  Don’t ever get too down about your present circumstances…keep in your heart that you were meant to be together and that by the Grace of God, you will continue to be married forever.  Thank Him every day for your life together, no matter what that life may bring.

In addition to my previous comment, I wanted to add one more thing:  When we were getting married, we had what I thought was a “crisis”.  Everything, and I mean everything, was ordered in pastel blue…the flowers, linens, invitations…etc.  And then the bridesmaids dresses arrived…in PINK!  They apologized and said that blue was no longer available.  I panicked.  I thought…seriously…this will be the WORST problem we will ever have to face.  If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything!!  And here we are, twenty-four years, four kids, a critically ill infant, two miscarriages, family deaths, job losses, and a ton of other difficulties later, it seems pretty funny that I was concerend with what color the bridesmaids wore.  But at the time, it seemed huge.  Remember the words of St. Theresa, “All things are passing.  Only God remains.”  Stuff will happen…but your marriage is what will remain…no matter what color your bridesmaids wore.

I have really enjoyed reading this, so many beautiful stories and advice.

What comes to mind for me is to remember marriage is a *vocation* and should be treated as such, tended to with the seriousness and care that any vocation requires. I didn’t know this until way into my marriage and it was very enlightening. Also, be kind to one another - it sounds simple, but is not always easy to do. When it’s the most challenging is when it is most needed! My husband will let me have a bad moment, without saying a word, out of kindness, and he knows I will regain my sanity and apologize as soon as I am able. I do the same for him, and we actually have fun laughing over each others bad moments afterwards.

Read the book The Temperament God Gave You so you can understand your own and your spouses temperament, and in turn what makes them tick. It helps with kids, too. It’s a fantastic insight into human nature, I can’t recommend knowledge of the temperaments enough!

Finally, years ago, before I had kids, an email went around work to all the women. If memory serves, it was a page out of a 1950’s home economics book and was a list of things to do when your husband comes home from work, including speaking in low, soothing tones and offering to remove his shoes and put slippers on his feet! We laughed until the tears were rolling down our cheeks at this email, thinking we were so evolved, we didn’t have to do any of this stuff anymore. Now, I came across it again recently I still think the slipper thing is a bit much, but I was amazed to see that it didn’t seem so preposterous anymore. I try to fuss a little over my husband when he gets home after a long day, I try to have a nice dinner ready, I do NOT redress the kids in fresh clothes (another of their suggestions!), but I ask them to pick up their stuff and to calm down so he’s not facing chaos. When I had babies I wasn’t very good at this, but now that the kids are older, I think it’s good for a marriage. Would he do the same for me? Probably not. Does it matter? Not at all. Men and women are oriented very differently and he does other stuff really well, like fantastic back rubs for as long as I want!

1. You’re in it for the long haul, so treat your spouse well from the beginning.

2. Try to work out a plan for taking care of household chores before children come along.  If you just take care of things out of habit, then you’ll find your laundry list getting longer and more exhausting as the years go on and your spouse will be used to you just taking care of it because you always have. It doesn’t matter if you mow the grass and he folds the clothes or if you switch chores 10 years down the road, just make sure you are both agreeable to it. Its called being considerate.

3. You do not have to put up with bad, abusive, or inconsiderate behavior.  Do something about it before it starts adversely affecting your marriage…things tend to stay the same unless one of you takes action.  Underwear on the floor is one thing, a pattern of rude, controlling behavior about money, sex, work, child-rearing, or stringent adherence to an idea to the detriment of the people in your home is a problem.  Get some competent help.

4. Sex is also a life-long commitment.  It is sweeter when both husband and wife are committed to making love both in the bedroom and outside of it (metaphorically speaking, of course ).

5. Forgive and move on.

6. Jesus is a part of the marriage, so the both of you need to act like it.  It is neither up to the woman or the man to make the marriage. If we were meant to do everything in a marriage by ourselves, we wouldn’t need marriage.  There’s a reason we’re given a spouse and that we both turn to Christ for help.  We’re put in a yoke as a couple and we’ll be more productive when we’re both pulling the load together. Pay attention to your spouse—-it’s the responsibility of both the husband and the wife.

God bless!

Accept that you will both change.

$50 rule-if either of us is going to spend over that limit we have to consult each other (groceries excluded).

When the rough times come .pray that you will be able to see and express affection that you both have for each other.