Love and Marriage
What three things would you tell someone who is about to get married?
Posted by Danielle Bean
in Marriage
on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 2:12 PM
This is the first in a series of upcoming posts. In the coming days, each of our bloggers will be posting some thoughts on marriage and we hope that you will join the conversation.
Our assignment? What three things would you tell someone who is about to get married?
Here are mine:
1. The thing that drives you crazy is also the thing you love.
When you find yourself clashing with some part of your spouse’s personality time and time again, you need to change your perspective. Think of how that part of his personality presented itself while you were dating. Chances are it was one of the things you first noticed and appreciated about him.
Often, we are attracted to the ways in which people are different from us but those same differences become fodder for disagreements and misunderstandings later on.
Personally, Dan’s cautious, deliberate attention to detail can sometimes drive me to the brink. WHY, for example, must we spend days and days reading Consumer Reports and researching prices and options instead of just popping into Lowes and buying the first lawn mower that seems to suit our purposes and falls within our price range?
When I think about it, though, I have to admit that his deliberation is a helpful balance to my free-wheeling inclinations. And, even more importantly, his thoughtful consideration of even the smallest of details was one of the things that I loved most about him when we first met. Keeping these things in mind puts a positive spin on our personality differences and keeps me from taking it all too personally. It reminds me that this is part of who my husband is. And that I love who he is.
2. There is no 50/50.
One of the biggest myths about marriage is that it’s a 50/50 relationship. In reality, 50/50 is an impossible standard of perfection and fairness that sets us up for failure and frustration. From what other personal relationship do we demand such a perfect balance?
Seeing marriage as a 50/50 proposition encourages us to keep score to be sure that we aren’t ever “giving too much.” Now there’s a recipe for misery. If we must talk percentages, why not ask ourselves regularly if we are giving 100% to our marriages? Because that’s what the sacrament calls us to do—give 100% of ourselves to our spouse.
Of course it’s okay to talk with your spouse about your own needs and desires in your relationship. It has been my experience, though, that too many of these kinds of conversations quickly turn defensive and self-righteous. So much better to ask God to make you a better spouse and focus on giving more and serving more yourself. Total self-giving, if done in a spirit of generosity, will only encourage a more generous response on your spouse’s part as well—much more so than score-keeping and angry accusations about fairness ever will.
3. Go to bed together.
Someone at one of our marriage preparation courses years ago suggested that we should always go to bed at the same time. Back then, I didn’t think too much of the advice, but experience has taught me that it really does make a difference.
There have been times when, because of babies, sickness, or work, Dan and I have kept separate sleep schedules, and it’s been during those times that I’ve felt an acute lack of emotional connection.
Going to bed at the same time each night not only keeps us on a similar schedule, it also makes it much more likely that we will TALK. Emotionally connecting becomes a natural and regular part of our day.
Without kids, computers, work, or television to distract you, “pillow talk” helps you assess your days and share your feelings in a way that isn’t likely to happen in the midst of noise and distraction in the daylight hours.
image credit
By submitting this form, you give Faith And Family Magazine permission to publish this comment.
Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please
limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.
Print Blog
Email a Friend