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Email a FriendI wish I would have read this as I got my day started today. I woke up, looked around & was at my wits end with the mess. Now don’t get me wrong- my house is not in total shambles- but for some reason all the corners in the house have “stuff” that don’t otherwise have a home. It’s where I put everything when someone’s coming over. Well today it ALL got done- my house is spic & span BUT we had a TERRIBLE DAY & even more horrible evening putting our littlest kiddos to bed- I think they felt my neglect today & boy am I sorry I have a clean house. The kids fought all day long, my oldest was sent to bed before daddy even walked in the door for his attitude & my homemade pie sits untouched because no one ate my amazing dinner. I like the days we read, explore, talk & play & apparently so do they!
Love Comes First
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Family on Thursday, November 19, 2009 9:33 PM
Last night I lamented to my husband that I’m feeling frustrated lately by my fumbling attempts to keep all my balls in the air.
“I feel,” I told him, “like I can be a great mother or a great housekeeper, but not both.”
Many women I know appear to be both great mothers and great housekeepers, but I haven’t been able to make my personal resources extend to fill both those roles. Right now, I told Bryan, I feel like I’m a pretty good mother and a below-average housekeeper. The children are happy and well-cared-for, but our home could run a lot more smoothly.
Bryan thought for a moment with his arm comfortingly around my shoulders.
“You know what, honey?” he said. “If a household chore gets neglected for a while, then we finally get around to doing it, that’s it. It’s done.”
I nodded, thinking that this was obvious and also somewhat irrelevant. But Bryan always has a good point even if I don’t catch it immediately. I kept listening.
He continued. “Take the carpet, for instance.”
(Our living room carpet is in bad shape, because the kids are messy and we are notoriously bad at spot-cleaning.)
“It’s awful now, but in a few more years we’ll rip it up and put in new stuff, and it’ll be like our neglect never happened. The old carpeting certainly won’t be scarred by the fact that we failed to give it enough attention.”
Ah-ha. Suddenly I caught his point.
Today as I cuddle with my baby and read books to my preschooler in spite of my mile-long list of household tasks that need to get done, I’ll be remembering my husband’s encouragement to keep my priorities straight. He is a wise, wise man.
Comments
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You and mommyof5 said it! I focus on being a good parent and wife first, cooking healthy food next, doing well enough at work to feel good about it (most of the time), and after that comes the housework. I currently have dishes in the sink, a taken apart changing table under the coffee table, and a baby stroller in the middle of the 4’ by 4’ kitchen. I certainly could improve, but after a while that improvement would take away from things I value more.
Thank you for this topic! I really needed this right now! I admit that I am a mom who can’t stand a messy house and I majority of the time prioritize cleaning over playing with my children… I am being very honest. Thank you for this lovely post. It has helped me to remember that I want my children to remember their childhood as time when mom always had time for them and not a time that the house was always clean and Mom was always busy with something else. Thank you again!
Thank you for the post! I find myself in the same boat. Can’t seem to be both—keep an organized and spic and span home and be a good mom and I just have one little one! I still marvel at other mothers who can seem to do both and with more young ones than I do. Thank you for the reminder though, regarding what is of utmost importance. Your husband is indeed wise. God bless!
My father tells the story of his coming home one time to find the vacuum cleaner lying in the middle of the floor while my mother sat on the couch with a child on either side, reading to them. Embarrassed, she hastily got up and apologized for having neglected to complete the vacuuming. My dad replied, “Years from now, it won’t matter a bit that you vacuumed the carpet this afternoon - but it will matter that you read to your children.”
My oldest three children (9, 6, & 4) occasionally complain that I never play w/ them. I tell them that if I didn’t have so much to do around the house, I’d have more time hoping they will help out a bit more. Today, instead of yelling at them to help out, I had an epiphany…we can play AND clean at the same time. I set the stove timer for a variety of minutes (3 the first time, 2 the next, 4 after that, etc. - I didn’t tell them how long I set it) & we spent that time cleaning up. Once the timer rang, I put on some fun music (Veggie Tales) & we (yes, me included!) danced for a whole song. We did that for about an hour & even though our house is not completed cleaned up, we made a big dent in it! DS #2 decided several times to not dance & continued to wash dishes. We loved the time we were able to spend w/ each other this morning while getting things done & they want to do it more often!
While I agree that your children should come first, I also think that it is possible to be both a good mother and homemaker. I think it’s a question of time management. When not taking care of the children how much time is spent on the internet or in front of the TV? Yes we need our breaks but should those breaks come before the housework? Also, children benefit from a well ordered home as well as seeing their mother work virtuously at her tasks, especially unpleasant ones like cleaning the bathrooms! Is there something wrong with setting limits and telling your child “only 3 books and then mommy needs to do laundry, you can help if you want.”? It seems like the child will learn boundaries and that he is not the center of the world. Of course, who wouldn’t want to spend all day playing with their children? It is truly wonderful and spending time should be a priority, however, I don’t think children are being neglected when their mother gets some housework done. They’re learning about life.
I don’t mean to be critical of this post. I just think it’s easy to make excuses to avoid doing things that are tedious and unpleasant like housework. I’m speaking from my experience! I agree with the commenter who said you can do both with love!
Totally agree Jean! I have a fairly large home (5 bedrooms, 2.5 baths) and it takes me a total of 30 to 45 minutes to straighten it up every morning, and that includes starting the laundry, wiping down the bathrooms and cleaning up the kitchen. I have four kids, a dog and a husband who doesn’t do housework - and I’m ok with that.
When something bothers me, whether it is about my children’s school work or my household duties, it’s usually a sign that I’ve been neglecting something that I should be doing.
I think a practical routine really helps. I basically do the exact same thing every single day m-f. I also think it makes a big difference if you chose to arise at least 30 minutes before the children do, so that you have a chance to get ahead of the curve. Sadly, this requires going to bed early;-) I use to say that I could NEVER get up before 6:00 - but after analyzing what I really needed/wanted to happen in a day there was only one way to do it - get up at 5:15. It has made a tremendous difference in my life/
I agree that it’s not a good idea to let the house become dirty and chaotic, and it is important to model to kids the discipline of doing chores, etc. My own house is fairly orderly and reasonably clean. However, I have lowered my standards considerably because spending time with my family is a higher priority than housework. I do what I need to do to keep it orderly and reasonably clean, and don’t go much beyond that. My son is great about helping to clean up because he sees me putting things away when I’m done with them, and he imitates this. But he also knows that if he needs a hug or some extra attention, this takes priority over housework. And yes there are times when I indulge myself too much on the internet. But rarely to the detriment of my housework, and never to the detriment of my family. It’s all about balance and priorities: family needs, my need for time to myself, and the need of the household to be kept orderly. I’m sure the author of this article isn’t trying to give women an excuse to slack off, but permission to let go of the guilt when there are too few hours in the day to complete the tasks on the to-do list.
“I feel like I’m a pretty good mother and a below-average housekeeper.”
Me too, Arwen. Me too.
I’m surprised at the critical nature of some of these comments. Wow. I guess it just comes easier to some people.
I, too, was pretty surprised about some of the comments! I have thought about it for a while and decided to put in my two cents.
I totally agree with you, Arwen! I feel like I do a prettty good job as a Mommy, and I have a long way to go for my house to be cleaned and spotless every day. I do work on it, but I prefer to “be there” for my kids while they are young with my whole body, hands and attention.
My husband grew up in a house where cleanliness took the place of time and attention from his Mom. To this day, a surgeon could perform open-heart surgery on any floor of that house. Although it is clean and tidy, it is NOT a welcoming place to be, because orderliness and cleanliness are much more important than fun and creativity.
I hope my kids remember the love and laughter we have daily, more often than the cleaning that always needs to be done.
One of my favorite poems I found when I had 3 little ones all under 4 years old was this one: The whole poem is much longer, but I especially love the last paragraph:
“The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.”
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Arwen, you are a wise young mom. I’m happy for you that your husband shares your value of “kids first”. (Arwen, your husband’s carpet comment made me laugh, because that’s just what we did with our carpet.) Our oldest two are 19 and 17, and they remember puddle hopping, stories we read, art projects we did, and trips to the park. I had the same attitiude you did, and now that my oldest is grown and away at college, I thank my “younger self” for having made the decision you are making, because I have very few regrets.
To the mom who spent the day cleaning: don’t beat yourself up. Now you have a clean house, and tomorrow, you’ll have a better day.
To the moms who commented in favor of a clean house: yes, but I think Arwen’s point is that we need to prioritize. With young kids around, we might have to let something go and not do it every day, if we want to spend time with the kids every day. I’d rather read to my kids and then do the dishes later, even the next morning, rather than do dishes and have them go to bed without stories.
I’ll add that equipment makes a difference. If you have a house that is a good size for your family, and a reasonable amount of storage space, it is easier to keep a house orderly. If you have a small house, few shelves, and are pinching pennies and cannot routinely afford simple things like storage containers, it is a lot harder to keep order.
Books: years ago, I read the idea of putting picture books in dish pans, with the covers facing forward. That way, the kids can flip through them and choose. It’s one small tip that has helped.
I, too, am a bit taken aback with the critical nature of some of the comments. Perhaps these Moms have older children? With only one child (who’s only one day younger than Arwen’s son), I find it difficult to get many tasks done when he isn’t napping. He is ten months old—he still needs fairly constant supervision and I cannot yet explain to him “Mommy needs to vacuum, so you’ll have to have milk later.”
Arwen, I am glad that you’ve found peace with this. We all have areas of strength—I’d guess that one of yours involves delicious meals—and areas in which we struggle. You’ve found a way to get through and that is wonderful.
Sarah, I agree. I have only one 5 year old boy, and also find it hard to do both housekeeping and mothering. As an only child, he needs me to play with him sometimes. A couple of my friends (with large families!) have told me it is harder with just one, than with more.
Part of it comes down to temperament, I think. Some people are just born organised. Others are not and find it a big struggle to use those magical “time management” techniques. My experience is that those who say, “You just have to ...” usually fall in to the first category.
I wise woman I know once told me “We will never achieve perfection this side of heaven”. We just have to do the best we can.
Not only Mom’s temperament, Andrea, but that of her child(ren)! I did a ton of babysitting/nannying before I had my own kids—and always earned lots of points with my employers by accomplishing “extra” cleaning, cooking, and organizing whenever I could (without neglecting their kids!) I was all set to be supermom. . .when DD #1 arrived, with a need level I had never encountered before in an infant. There went the housekeeping! Now with three, I try to stay on top of things but have to daily remind myself that my reality is not the same as those who can peacefully “do it all”. In our case, those “high-need babies” have grown into kids who fit the ADD/ADHD profile, and while I am naturally a pretty structured person, I’ve had to accept that life for the next few years is just going to entail a certain amount of chaos! But on the upside, boredom is also a thing of the past!! 
My son is just a day older than Arwen’s. I too, struggle with balance. Some days I feel like I am just running from one side of the see saw to the other!
My little one doesn’t sleep much at night, so my days are a little topsy turvy. (we also have an 8 yr. old)
I can hear your advice now on how to get him to sleep!! Thanks. Yeah, we’ve tried that.
Thanks though. :o)
My house is clean. I make sure that when my husband walks in the door from a hard day at work, the living room is toy free. (who wants to be welcomed home by Toys-R-Us?) Laundry seems to be the thorn in my side lately…lol! But I tackle it, one load at a time.
My husband is an only child, and grew up in a super clean house. He likes things picked up and organized (sometimes when we are still playing with things!! lol) I always tell him, we don’t live in a museum. We LIVE in our house. We pick up as soon as we are done. (He is getting lots better. The second son helped with that. He’d rather play with the baby now, than rush to pick up.) Funny, when you realize how quick that time goes by….the next time around you just cherish it. God is good, that way! Second chances!
We are all a product of our environment….he needs things put in containers and ‘out of sight’, and I can’t go to sleep if we have dirty dishes….baby asleep or not!
I am trying to have my 2 boys be a product of a happy house full of laughter!
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
I really relate to Bears2Cross’s post! I wouldn’t classify my son as a high-need baby/toddler, but he definitely challenged a lot of my preconceived ideas and approaches to homemaking. I also had a lot of babysitting experience, and I’m very organized and good at multitasking. I had to re-think a lot of my ideas/approaches to adapt to his needs.
I don’t know about you, but I never do dishes with love. I do them because I want a clean bowl for my cereal in the morning.
You’re making the right choices. Loving kids and having barfy carpet (I am the proud owner of a grand section of it in my living room) won’t make anyone a hoarder when they grow up.
There. I said it.
but i wont be beating myself up if he wakes before i can finish !!
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