Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! How exciting for you! Yes, I did give my hubby a gift…well, actually, two of them. I started with cross-stitching a wedding prayer…but when I realized I wasn’t going to get it done by the wedding, I wanted to come up with something else. I got a heart-shaped piece of wood (at Michael’s or a hobby shop) and stained it. Then I calligraphied my wedding vows to him on piece of parchment type paper, cut it into a heart shape to fit on the wood and I think used mod-podge to attached it to the wood, covered with a clear finish. He really liked it, and then later, I made a matching one (his vows to me). And yes, I did finally finish the cross-stitch…much later, but it too is framed and hanging in our home. May you have many happy years together!

We were entering grad school the fall after our summer wedding. I got my husband a leather messenger bag to replace the regular book bag he had carried in college. I know that’s pretty specific, but it was something I was able to give him that we would never have bought otherwise. It was just for him, but still something for the new life we were embarking on together. Another gift I’ve given my husband that he really liked was a desk calendar made on Snapfish with pics of our kids but instead of captions across the bottom I found quotes from a person he admires online. You could do something similar with pics from your time together and engagement. My husband still has his 4 years later and looks back at it like a photo album even though calendar isn’t accurate.

I gave my husband a wife and I didn’t think I could top that. LOL. I was going to get him a wedding ring too, but due to family heirlooms, we ended up using our own rings.

I had a personalized rosary made (ordered it online and it arrived in a matter of days), and my hubby LOVES it.

I had my husband’s ring engraved on the inside with part of our vows “I promise to be true to you.”  That was part of my gift, the other was a fountain pen.  It is something that he had wanted but wouldn’t buy himself.  He still uses it some 7+ years later.

We did not exchange gifts, but instead gave each other a card with a special note to be delivered just before the ceremony.  Don’t overwhelm yourself.  Enjoy this wonderful time!  Prayers and best wishes for your upcoming marriage!

Best Wishes, Sarah!
My .02 are that with only one week to go, and him not being a sentimental type, why make more work for yourself?  Take any extra time you have to spend with family and friends, enjoying their company.
Can you think of anything he *would* like?  Books? Sports? Coffee?  Beer? You could find something in whatever category it might be and have it engraved/personalized.  The scrapbook could be something you work on during this first year of marriage…for an anniversary gift!
Blessings on your upcoming nuptials!

I got my husband a nice watch and had his best man give it to him right before he was to go out into the church with a note that said “It’s Time!”.  Best wishes.

My husband(he is sentimental not me) gave me a blank scrapbook with a letter he wrote to me and our future children talking about his dreams of filling up the book.  AWESOME!  Also I had his ring engraved on the inside.  I just wrote him a letter.  The scrapbook and my letter were exchanged just before the wedding.  After in our hotel room he had filled from the door to the bed with rose petals and an engraved music box.  Just some ideas!  Congratulations!

We have always written each other love letters starting with our beloved’s most endearing quality of that day…we started on our wedding day (or day before more likely).  I also made him a cookbook…I took a few pictures and some recipes we liked (not a lot at that time) and glued them into a spiral notebook.  I wrote a few wishes along with some of the recipes…one next to a picture of a baby and a note about what kind of mom I hoped to be for our children and the famous rice krispee treat recipe…it was very simple and something our kids still look at and we all use.  Simple.  And through the years we had added notes and recipes…it’s neat to see where we’ve come after almost 26 years.

A friend and her husband started their (very expensive) nativity set when they got married. At each anniversary they add a piece or two. 

My husband and I saved my wedding bouquet and had the carmelite nuns nearby turn them into rosary beads. We now have two very special rosaries that smell divine And will be lOvely heirlooms for our daughters some day.

With a dispensation from his/her bishop, a Catholic have the wedding outside of Mass and at another venue.  You might want to check with the person who’s getting married and see if they’ve done this and/or know about what the Church asks of him/her.

I took your question to mean outside of the Catholic Church, not the church building.  My understanding from Catholic Answers is that there is no outright prohibition on attending as long as you don’t create scandal by giving the appearance of approving of the wedding being outside the Church.  In other words, if the couple getting married and the various members of the family know where you stand but that you are attending so as not provoke family discord, then you might want to attend.  I had to research this myself since an in-law is doing the same thing and my husband is conflicted.  There is no question that attendance is discouraged but it is not prohibited.  My husband hasn’t decided what to do.  He knows if he doesn’t go this family member might never speak to him again and it will cause a big family conflict.  I still hope he doesn’t go.

Momof6, if you do a search over at Catholic Answers (http://www.catholic.com), you will find a great deal of thoughtful (& some not so thoughtful) commentary on the topic.  Look on the Apologists threads on the forums, or in This Rock or Crisis magazine.  Monica summarized it succinctly.  At the time of my sister’s wedding, I remember positively *fuming* over the fact that I could find no “yes” or “no” answers from the Church.  I appreciate now, however, that we had to discuss & pray & discern what was best for all involved.

We have had some family members leave the church and we pray that they will come back, but I would never in a million years skip my nephew’s upcoming wedding.  He’s a great kid and the family discord it would cause would be bad news; plus I think our absence would just ‘confirm’ in their minds misgivings they already have about Catholics.  We invite those family members to our church for all special events (baptisms, confirmations, etc) and they come so we pray that our witness will bring them back some day.

I agree with Kathy, you said it perfectly. I also have a family wedding upcoming that I would not be able to skip due to the tremendous fight it would cause in the family, as well as a lot of nasty things that would be said about “us Catholics”.  I’d rather just lead with love!

The priests I have talked to agree that there is no official Church teaching on this and you should use your own judgement. I used to be more of a hard liner, but I’ve gotten a little less so after seeing how it (doesn’t) work. My sister’s ex-in-laws had the misfortune to have more than one family member marry ex-Catholics with the nuttiest hardline parents. I think we were the only Catholics who were related to them by marriage who actually spoke to them. Needless to say, they were VERY anti-Catholic -and everything they believed about Catholic people was true!

No it is not true. The reality is some people grow up Catholic and have no choice but to be confirmed.  It is not as if they understood and embraced the faith.  If they “got it” they would be Catholic.  Different people have a different journey in their faith but it does not mean God is not present in their life or marriage.  I have never seen anything good come out of a wedding boycott because a family member is upset they are not getting married in the church.  I would rather someone be HONEST and not get married in the church if they do not accept the beliefs of the church. 

For those of you who would skip the wedding would you go i f they were just going thru the motions?  My best friends from high school got married in the church because of threats from her father—she did not want to deal with the backlash.  To me that is not right.

That is an excellent point.  There is an epidemic of people who are Catholic in name only, and that could potentially do more damage than being honest with where they are in their faith journey.

The people that know you and love you don’t want to see you suffering and don’t want to over simplify your problems by giving you little moral tidbits about how to make it work.  Even in a forum like this, you can be assured of many prayers, but drive-by advice is not likely to touch the right spot for you. You’ll hear it and say “Yep, tried that, and that,” etc.  I have a couple of things that are general in nature.  Can you order (or ask your mom to order) Fr. Emmerich Vogt’s Detaching With Love retreat on CD?  It might help you and your husband to determine What is eating at each of you and How you came to this spot in life.  Also, I heard Dr. Ray Guarendi say on the radio that children are better off in a turbulent marriage (not abusive or violent, just turbulent) than in a broken marriage.  Sure it would be BEST if you got along.  But it might be possible to work this out under the same roof and still not harm the children.

Regina- of course I’m not expecting anyone to fix this with any advice.  I definitely know that’s not how it works.  I was merely wondering if anyone else had seen improvement in their own troubled marriages by separating for a while.  In my sleep-deprived and frustrated state I just kinda rambled around that main request.

Dear Anon,

I have experience with separation and divorce. While separation may be good for keeping people out of abusive situations, it really doesn’t help much for any other reason. It doesn’t really heal anything and usually lends to worse things occurring since you are not together as a family.

As hard as it is to work on your marriage, it will be much harder work to be divorced when you have children. There are so many tentacles to divorce that we don’t know about until we’re in it.

Why is there so much anger? What are you hurt or frustrated most with? What is he hurting over?

When the anger rises in you or in him, just leave the room and spend 15 minutes in prayer. Beg Jesus for meekness and humility. If you start reacting differently, your whole relationship will change. Our relationship with our spouse is where our children get their self worth, so it’s really important to be loving. Leaving the room or staying quiet is loving behavior.

If couples counseling doesn’t work, try personal counseling. Keep going to confession every time you fall, even if he never goes. Say the rosary and ask the Holy Family to come into your home and help you.

Unless your husband is abusive, divorce will be worse in the long run. The pain you have right now over hurting your children from fighting will be magnified and will be with your family every day if you divorce. You can get through life, but the pain that divorce inflicts on every member of your family (especially the children) will always be there on some level. God is merciful and loving and will help you, no matter what decision you make, but He wants to heal your family. He said, “Ask and you will receive”.  Hang in there and keep working hard. Make sure to be vulnerable to your husband and let him know how you are really hurting when he says or does something hurtful and try to find something good he does and let him know you appreciate it.

The book, The Five Love Languages or the Five Languages of love is wonderful. They even have one for marriages that are really hurting. I highly recommend it. God Bless and keep marching… It’s the hardest work you’ll ever do, but it’s worth it! Pray for a miracle- I’ll pray for you too.

While you are working on your marriage and going to counseling and doing all the things you can do, in the meantime would it help to call a truce and just communicate through letters or emails for a while so as not to scare the kids with the fighting?  I know it sounds ridiculous but just look at it as a temporary thing until you both learn to communicate verbally without fighting.  It’s better than separating.  I have done this when I felt too emotional to talk directly to my husband about certain topics.

My parents “separated” - and stayed that way for over 30 years! I don’t know that it helped or healed anything - it just put my mom in a state of limbo for decades.  I do think it gave my father room to “be himself” although I’m not sure that helped him all that much in the long run either.

For us kids it was a little unsettling - they weren’t married, they weren’t divorced - what was going to happen?  I never got a sense of permanence.

Interestingly they did get back together after we were grown up and it worked out well until my mother got sick - and they separated again - this time until he died.

Dear anon,
I just want to tell you that you are not alone.  Please remember how special you are, how much God loves you, and how much He loves your husband.  I had a similar situation, early marriage, young children, seemingly nothing in common.  We didn’t have yelling fights, but fought in silence and were unhappy with each other for many years.  It DID turn around, and through much work on both our parts, we have a happy, NOT perfect marriage.  We have four lovely children and enjoy our lives.  I don’t know that during our difficult time, that either of us really believed that we could have a happy marriage.  I spent a whole lot of time trying to find a way out (NOT saying that that is you!) and allowed negative things to crowd my head and fill me with anger.  This is just my personal experience, but I wanted to let you know that even a seemingly dead marriage can be given new life.  All is possible in Christ! 
Also, as a mother of a newborn myself, please go easy on yourself and take time for “self care” when at all possible.  Remember that our hormones are really out of whack during this time and that post partum depression is a real thing for many women.  It is for me, and was a major factor in my own struggle in my marriage.  Treating the post partum depression allowed me to be myself and move forward in a way I simply could not while I was in the fog of hormone induced depression.  Remember, God’s love is real, He really loves you, and is with you always:)
Blessings,
MNS~

I really want to reply to you but am short on time now.  If you dont mind checking in here again tomorrow, I will reply.  Not that I have any magic answer, just some thoughts—that helped me.

dear anon,
no experience or advice, but I am praying for you!

I have not been separated but truthfully have considered it; my marriage actually sounds very much like yours.  My husband and I are oil and water too - married for the same number of years as you, we bicker all the time, fight frequently, and a lot of the time I feel like i am living with my enemy rather than my love.  It is a heavy cross, and I struggle with my own feelings of disappointment and sadness much of the time - I never imagined myself in this position either!  I try to grasp onto the idea that God allows suffering for the greater good, maybe mine, maybe his, maybe both of ours.  (And I think the work of trying over and over to fix the marriage is the suffering that matters, not the grin-and-bear-it-learn-to-live-with-misery suffering).  In any case, separation has occurred to me more than once.  At one particularly bad period, I was VERY tempted to do it; it had to be better for me and our children than the terrible atmosphere at home.  But I also kind of knew in my heart that even though at that point (and frequently still) I didn’t want to work on our marriage, that I had to try everything short of separation before actually doing something so drastic.  So I moved into another bedroom (aka, set up an air mattress in the office) and started sleeping in there.  It was kind of weird, but I felt like it gave us space from each other, which we needed.  It also got my husband’s attention; we had been talking about our problems for a long time but no necessary changes were happening.  So at first he was kind of like “I don’t care where you sleep,” but after several weeks I started to notice that he was getting antsy, and started taking working on the marriage a little more seriously.  It took a lot of working and time and eventually I went back to our room.  Things are better now than they were before I did that; no, not good yet, and still a heavy cross, but a more manageable cross.  The desparate urge I felt to get away and say “to heck with this” is gone (most of the time!)  And in the meantime I am trying to work on my relationship with Christ, which I have come to realize is the only relationship that will fill the hole in my heart.  (Yvette said it perfectly too - trying to realize “knowing that my way to salvation may be through the struggles in my marriage.”)  And I am trying to work on myself, because changes I can make to myself (i.e. becoming courageous enough to speak up, set boundaries, etc.) can change him. 
Also, if you have a newborn, I would seriously cut yourself and your relationship some slack.  It is hugely stressful to have a baby, and that can deeply affect your relationship.  See if you can’t give it time for the baby to grow a bit, and your home life to calm down before making any major decisions.  Good luck, I will pray for you, please pray for me too.

I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about you since…I want to encourage you in your marriage, but, not being in your shoes, I also wouldn’t want to encourage you to stay in an abusive or harmful relationship either.

I have been in a similar situation…my husband and I had three children in the first three years of our marriage.  And I really couldn’t stand my husband for the first five years or more of our marriage.  We fought constantly, it was just absolutely terrible.  I really felt like I was living in hell.  And we had some knock out drag down fights.  Really, really terrible fights.  And we fought about everything under the sun.

I thought many, many times about leaving him.  I had three babies and a career, so I could have managed.  During that time, I read a lot of studies about children and the effects of divorce.  I didn’t like what I found.

I finally did confide in my parents, as you have.  I felt like a huge burden was released just through the act of confiding in them.  I hope you feel that way too.  My Mom confided in me that she hated (yes, hated) my Dad for several years of their forty plus year marriage, but that she felt like she had to stick it out for the sake of us kids.  She said she was so glad she did, as they are still married and happy!  She then suggested that I could never change my husband, I could only change myself.  That wasn’t the advice I wanted at the time, but at least I felt like someone else knew what I was going through.

Around that same time, I stumbled upon a book, The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.  As a professional, educated, career minded wife and mother, the title totally put me off, but for some reason, I read it anyway.  And it spoke to me.  It allowed me to change my behavior toward my husband and the greater effect was that when I changed my behavior, he changed his.  It didn’t happen over night, but it did happen.

We are married ten years now, and I can tell you I am so glad I didn’t leave him.  He is the best husband, father, and my best friend.  I love him more now than I did the day I married him.

My husband is not the type that would have gone to counseling or made changes on his own.  I’m not saying that to demean him, that’s just the fact of the matter.  If our marriage was going to be saved, I came to the conclusion that I was going to have to save it.

I made those changes initially.  My husband recognizes how far we’ve come as a couple and a family and now wants to go out of his way to take care of us.  It was just a long bumpy road to get there.

I think sometimes in our society men are given such mixed messages and they don’t really know what they’re supposed to do or what their role is supposed to be.

I tell you my story not to tell you what you should do or what would work for you, but just to let you know that it might be possible to have a positive outcome for your family.

I do recommend the book and would gladly send you a copy if you’re interested. 

Praying for you and your family.

Dear Anon,

God bless you and help you through your troubles. 

I am writing from a different perspective.  My parents had a terrible marriage - physical and mental abuse (on both their parts), screaming fights, you name it.  When I was a teenager, I wished they would get divorced.  Their fighting was scary and disruptive.  My sisters and I would hide in the basement of our home.  However, when they did separate - my senior year of college - it was even worse.  I had no more home, no more family.  My mother would call at all hours to rail against my dad (although she was the one who had left), my father was acting like a teenager (yippee!  I can “date”!) and wanting to share his love life with me; I felt like I was left to fend for myself, only I had these two needy older adults in my life, both of whom needed my approval, and neither of whom was giving me any support.  I was so glad they had “stuck it out” for as long as they had - and wished they could have made the effort to stay together! 

I think it is largely through their persistence during my childhood that I had a family growing up, the opportunity to live in a family, even an unhappy one, and the ability to build a (more successful) marriage of my own.

Go read Dr. Judith Wallerstein’s work (several books), and also “Between Two Worlds” by Elizabeth Marquardt.  You will not find them condemning, but you will have an opportunity to consider the effects of potential courses of action on your children.

You are not alone - God is right there with you and will help you decide what to do.