Mean Girls and Best Friends
Posted by Danielle Bean in Family on Wednesday, November 17, 2010 12:00 PM
Author Kelly Walen caused a stir three years ago with a New York Times female-friend-bashing essay, My Sorority Pledge? I Swore Off Sisterhood. In the essay, Walen describes her experience in a college sorority where she was victimized by a gang of “mean girls” and its long term effects on her ability to maintain female friendships.
In the two decades since, I’ve been a full-time lawyer, a working mother and a stay-at-home mother. In each role, I’ve found my fears about women’s covert competition and aggression to be frequently validated: the gossip, the comparisons, the withering critiques of career and mothering choices. We women swim in shark-infested waters of our own design. Often we don’t have a clue where we stand with one another — socially, as mothers, as colleagues — because we’re at once allies and foes.
Walen has since written a book on the topic, The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling the Dark Legacy of Female Friendships
Also interesting was this Q&A with Walen I read at Time over the weekend. Some surprising stats she shares:
Ninety percent of those women said that they did have a solid girlfriend in their life. That’s wonderful news. But 84% of those same women said they had suffered real genuine wounding at the hand of other women. That shocked me. More than that, 88% said that there was an undercurrent of meanness and negativity plaguing the gender.
I am struck by the idea that while it’s true that no one can tear apart a vulnerable woman quite like another woman can, it is equally true that no one can build up and encourage a vulnerable woman quite like another woman can.
Valiant women of faith are a great gift to each other, but only if only we allow ourselves to be. As simple as it sounds, I really like Walen’s advice for women looking to connect with other women and form genuine friendships.
It’s so basic it’s silly: it’s opening up. It’s smiling. It’s being more inclusive and reaching out to other people. Not just writing other women off or dismissing them because they are different or not a part of your regular day or safe friend group that you already know. It’s putting yourself out there and knowing that a lot of women feel the same way you do. Maybe they’re sitting at home too, just waiting for another woman to give them a chance. We’ve got to treat people with respect and dignity. If that sounds cliché, I’m sorry, but it’s a reminder so many of us forget.
I think female friendships—especially for moms in the trenches—are a vital part of mental health and happiness. One thing Walen leaves out, but I think is crucial for women struggling in this area to pray about it. If you have trouble finding, keeping, and trusting friends, ask God for guidance and help in your friendships.
I hope you will share your thoughts (and struggles!) with regard to female friendship in the comments.
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