My advice is not to tell the truth.  No one told me the truth and I am grateful because at that time when I was in the depths of despair, I needed to hear what your friends told you (he’s scum, he didn’t want to make the effort, you deserve better).  But the truth was, not they he didn’t deserve me or that he was making a mistake but that he was right to break up with me.  He could see what I couldn’t—that we were wrong for each other and it would never have worked.  I hated him at the time for dumping me but now that I am in a wonderful marriage and I see that my ex is also in a wonderful marriage, I see his wisdom.  But I would have slugged my friend if she told me he made the right decision. My friends told me what I needed to hear, namely that he blew it.

No great advice, but lots of sympathy. I do not miss my single days for even a moment….though I miss the people that were in my life at that time. Sounds like you have some great friends too! I remember one break up that involved a guy in my church group, which meant I couldn’t avoid seeing him unless I dropped all my friends. And seeing him or hearing or even thinking about him made me cry. I was determined to not sit at home though, so my plan was when I felt like crying I would pray the Our Father over and over again until my mind wandered to something else and the urge to cry stopped. Looking back it is ironic that the point of this prayer exercise was to MAKE SURE my mind wandered to something frivolous. But, it worked, and I was eventually able to maintain my precious social life without crying in public. I was also blessed to eventually thank God that that relationship didn’t work out…phew! Not that he wasn’t a good guy…just the wrong good guy for me!

I went through two break-ups that were wrenching. Mostly friends just spent time with me. “I didn’t like him anyway” is never helpful when you have invested your heart.

So sorry for your suffering. My college break-up was one of the most painful events of my life. I understand what Carol describes—I cried in public and eventually did thank God things didn’t work out. It certainly all got easier with time.

Whatever cross we bear—being single when you want to be married, infertility, secondary infertility, illness—is much easier to endure when we are pursuing God faithfully, if sometimes doggedly.

God bless you.

P.S. I think posts like this are so helpful for sinlge women. I married at 32 and know how valuable encouragement and sharing about life in general is to both the married and the single among us.

Oh Robyn, I just love you to pieces! Thank you for sharing your very important perspective with us here.

Robyn,

You are such a wonderful lady. God has a plan for you. The perfect situation FOR YOU. Love you girl.

Robyn, I’m very proud of you for sharing this. You are a beautiful woman that God has a lot in store for - you’ve already been such a witness. And those shoes are awesome.

Okay, so this is a true story from about fifteen years ago.  I was single, and lamenting my single state to my parents.  I’d invested a lot of mental energy and time in a guy who turned out not to be the right guy, and a big part of me was looking ahead and going, “WHEN am I going to meet Mr. Right?  It’ll take years for me to get to the point where I’m married.  I don’t want to wait that long.”

My dear dad, who was watching some documentary about the Wright brothers at the moment, said, “When it happens, you’ll be amazed at how quickly everything changes.  Think about the history of flight.  For centuries, no one had been able to fly—and then, all of a sudden, in the space of a few hours on the beach, mankind went from not flying to flying.  It’s the same with dating.  One little date with the right man can change your life, and nothing will ever be the same after that.”

I held onto those words for years, and you know what?  That first date with my husband proved my dad right.  All those barren dating years had suddenly become a thing of the past, and there was a totally new, wonderful reality in my life.

Things can change quickly and beautifully in the dating world, and you never know exactly when it will happen.  Dad taught me that, and it was exactly what I needed to hear to keep the faith.

There are a lot of nice things you can do for a friend who has a broken heart.  A night out, just an ear and a shoulder, prayer of course.  But for me, the number one heart healer is travel.  After prayer, it’s travel.  Nothing else gives the needed perspective.  Nothing else separates you from the familiar and reminds you that There Is More To You Than This!  It proved true in my one big experience with a broken heart.  And friends have shared the same with me.

Robyn, you are awesome. I love you.  Thanks for sharing your story.

Oh, my prayers are with you.  I think perhaps when you are a committed Catholic lady, the dating phase is particularly difficult, because of course you’re seeing each person you date as a potential husband, and you really have to grieve when it doesn’t work out.  I only had one true breakup to deal with, and for me at that time (10 years ago now) I found solace in doing the same thing you’re doing: focusing on my relationship with God.  As I look back now, I really loved that time.  One thing that someone close (a sort of mentor) told me in that time, was that if God really didn’t want me to be single, then he probably wouldn’t take away that desire to give myself to another person in marriage.  Thanks for sharing!

Robyn,

Thank you for this post! As one who is also unmarried, reading over and over again about how the various women here met and love their husbands can be a rather daunting perspective. Where are these good guys of today? Some days even make me think that they don’t exist, but I know better than that. Truly, if we are holding our hearts and bodies pure for “Mr. Right” and trusting in God to see us through, He will not abandon us.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Robyn, I never miss one of your articles. You are so refreshing, always from the heart. Whether it’s break up pain or the humility of carrying a kneeler down main street. I was talking to a single girl thee other day about how hard it is to be single. And it is. Its because at that time, its the Cross God is asking us to carry. Sending prayers your way…because whether its a break up, a hectic family life, sick children…they’re crosses and its real.

Like someone else said, when you meet the right guy, things change quickly.  I know one of my friends poured herself into every relationship.  My other married friend and I kept saying it shouldn’t be that hard.  If you’re having to work that hard at a relationship and you aren’t even married, it’s not the right guy.  She finally met the right guy and everything about that relationship was different.  They were married this summer (she was 39) and I’m sure just wishes God hadn’t waited so long to send him.  Don’t give up hope, if that is God’s plan for you, it will be fulfilled.  In the end, God’s timing is right.  I married when I was 30 and if my husband and I had met when we were younger, I don’t think we would have been attracted to one another.

The only advice I can give is to someone after a breakup is not telling them what they want to hear by saying “Don’t worry he’ll call” or “You guys will get back together”  I think it only gives them false hope.  Thanks for posting. Broken hearts hurt and you sound on the mend so maybe something new will be headed your way!

I have a wonderful book to recommend for any Catholic single. It’s called “Party of One” by Beth Knobbe—out recently by St. Anthony Messenger Press. The author draws on the experiences of men and women who share their personal stories and reflections on what it means to be single—with faith, purpose, and passion. She addresses the fears singles face, the assumptions people make, and the questions singles ask themselves (like, “Will I ever find Mr. Right?). She includes practical and spiritual advice for finding happiness and contentment as a single person. I loved the book—and I’m married! Five stars on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/Party-One-Living-Purpose-Passion/dp/0867169907

Robyn,
I’m praying for you. I remember so well, my time as a singe, wondering when/If Mr. Right would ever come along. After one particularly bad break-up, the last one, my spiritual advisor told me the same thing yours did. She challenged me to take a year to work on myself and my relationship with God, making HIM my boyfriend and companion. I actually took a year and a half, and in that year and a half, I got my Masters, bought my own house, and really worked on my relationship with our Lord. I worked on being the best person God wanted me to be BY MYSELF. If God had someone for me, the I’d be an awesome catch, and if He didn’t have someone for me, then I was awesome anyway, I was ok alone, and I had Him. I met my wonderful, Godly, husband at the end of that year and a half. (we lived on complete opposite ends of the Country.) I got married a year later, at 33 and we’ve been married for 11 1/2 years. God brought us together when HE knew we were ready, and not a second before. During the hard days…I didn’t say that year and a half were a piece of cake…I’d cling to Him and pray for my husband, wherever he was, that God would bless him and bring him one step closer to me each day. I pray you feel His love and peace as your precious heart heals. Remember, you are loved, and although your X may not be a loser…or maybe he is…he doesn’t deserve you. But if it is God’s will, the man He has for you will be far better than anyone you could have ever dreamed of.

I am sorry for your heartache - and thank you for sharing here.  I am not trying to lessen the importance of what you’re going through, but it is so, SO much better to deal with a breakup now than be trapped in a nightmare marriage til death do us part, or, to be dealing with the breakup while financially dependent, and with x number of kids.  I’d rather be alone and lonely than in a horrible marriage and lonely.  I do understand your sorrow and I’m not trying to make light of it.  I just wish I’d dealt with that heartache years ago, instead of being in the pit I’m in now.  Many blessings to you.  I’ll pray for you… could you all offer a prayer for me too?  Thanks so much.

Hi Robyn,
Once upon a time, my sister thought she had found Mr. Right. I remember joking with him at our other sister’s wedding that, haha, we’d see him at the next one. He was a practicing Catholic, good looking, never been married, working, etc. But he didn’t want to commit to her. What was really rough was that they broke up right before our mother died of cancer. My sister was crushed. She did a lot of talking about it to sort things out. It is so clear now and even was then that he really wasn’t right for her. It was a stressful relationship already and that would not have magically disappeared with marriage. I felt helpless. All I could do was listen to her, say he was a jerk (he kinda was). Then, using some of my mom’s inheritance, I flew out west to visit her with my baby daughter and 7 months along with my second. She needed time to grieve both our mom and the relationship. That was a long time ago and it’s all better now.

I so agree with better earlier than later.  I know you felt the very real sting and disappointment of that breakup, but since you have a walk with the Lord, I know it was Him protecting you from the agony of a broken marriage and family.  That kind of pain leaves wounds that cannot be described.  I wish to heaven that either my former spouse or I had been able to see that he would not be able to stick to commitment if heavy trials came.  I wish I could have seen his unfaithfulness when temptations came.  We were crazy in love and didn’t think to consult God.  Although, I don’t regret my marriage because of all the love that was experienced for a lot of years, and all our children that came about, I would not wish this pain on my
worst enemy.  Trust in God’s perfect will for you and his protective love for you!
God bless.

Thank you for sharing your story Robyn.  Break-ups stink, they really, really do.  I remember when I broke up with this guy I had been dating for a very long time that I felt as though I had gone crazy.  And in retrospect, I probably did a lot of things that were very crazy.  I had some amazing roommates that helped me through that rough patch by getting me to go to confession and saying the rosary daily.  I know that probably sounds so cliche Catholic, but man it did wonders for my soul!  You are blessed to have such wonderful friends, they truly are a gift from God.

I don’t know you in person but think you are realllllly lucky to live next to your family.  I use to live close to my hubby’s fam but we had to move away and it’s painful!  I feel for you but wow! spend more time with all the kids next door!  You are very lucky!

From the bottom of my healing heart, thank you so much for sharing! I think you just helped me put a little piece back together.