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Email a FriendAt our adult religious education class yesterday we discussed going to church and making sure that our children do. Though for the most part we all agreed that going to mass was more important than most things, we as a group were divided on one issue. This issue being… What if a teenager ( or anyone for that matter) works. In the case of my nineteen year old, She attends an accelerated one year nursing school program five days a week from eight until five.On most weekdays she has clinicals after her classes, which can last until eight PM. Because of this schedule, her availability to work at her job as a nurse’s aid is severely limited. We have found that she works at one of the most leanient nursing homes around in that she only has to work two eight hour shifts( as opposed to the twelve hour standard in the area with no mandatory overtime) per week to remain on the pay role. Obviously my daughter can not work through the week as neither the 7 to 3 nor 3 to 11 shifts will fit into her schedule. Though 11 to 7 would fit, she would have to go straight to school after and wouldn’t have time to sleep( let alone study or do homework) on many days so obviously this is not an option either. Since she has to work in order to afford school , we help her by paying most of her bills and tuition but her daily commuting expenses are her responsibility so she must work weekends. While working the shifts that she is assigned on these weekends, she misses mass often ( she works 3-11 on Saturday and 7-3 on Sunday)My question is, am I wrong to “let”( or even make) her work instead of attending mass ? There is no way that she can get different shifts as it goes by seniority and she is towards the bottom of the list. Furthermore, what about a married adult with children who is in the same boat ? ( mandatory weekend shifts) I was shocked that many blasted not only me but others who felt that not being able to go to mass because one is working ( in order to make money needed for supporting oneself / a family) was an acceptable reason to miss mass. What do you guys think ? Am I really doing my daughter a disservice by not only teaching but encouraging this ? In today’s economy, especially for those without a solid college education, jobs are hard to find and if one gives up one another may not come along. Any opinions ?
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Posted by Danielle Bean in Family on Monday, September 21, 2009 7:00 AM
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Just my opinion but I don’t think your daughter has a lot of options. When I have had to miss mass because of work obligations (medical also) and confessed it the priest said that missing mass because of work that cannot be avoided is not a sin . . . if you can do the work at a different time and choose to miss mass it is a different story. Sounds to me like your daughter isn’t choosing to miss mass. If she can ever fit in a weekday mass (before school/at noon) it would be good not to loose touch/loose the benefit of the sacrament.
Sunday mass is a holy obligation as a Catholic. I would encourage you to teach your daughter that putting God first and obeying the teachings of the church should be priority to work. God will provide when we seek first His kingdom. Could she maybe make it to a Saturday evening vigil mass?
I just have to say I agree with Lisa. Also as soon as “school” is done, she’ll have the ability to seek a job that has “better” hours. My husband’s jot is basically 9-5 Monday-Friday, but he does have some weekend where he HAS to work and because of that he misses Mass. He is our sole income, and if the boss said he has to work, there is nothing he can do about it. It doesn’t happen often but it does happen. My sister also has a job that requires her to work weekend about once a month. If she want’s food on the table for her babies she has to do it. It’s beyond her control. And with the job market and economy the way it is, people hands are truly tied… Once school is done it will be BEST for her to get a new job, or get her hours changed, where she won’t miss Mass (as much as possible).
There are plenty of people in our society that have to work on Sundays. Doctors (in hospitals/emergency rooms), nurses, police officers, firefighters, etc. all must be available at all times for the good of society. As such, if they are doing the *best* they can to fulfill their Sunday obligation (Saturday Mass, Sunday evening Mass, Mass in the hospital where they work during their break) that is all the Church expects them to do. The Church never asks us to do the impossible, and to ask us all to do without the above services would be impossible. You know, “sorry, I know that you are bleeding out of your eyes but I have to go to Mass!” doesn’t sound too charitable. And claiming an exemption from your (legitimate) work on Sunday while requiring someone else to do it instead of you also isn’t charitable. I’ll bet the pagans like to spend time with their families on Sunday, too.
That having been said, I do believe there is an obligation to try to change your work schedule, as you can, within charity, to allow yourself to fulfill your Sunday obligation.
This is a tough one, but I’m with Jennifer. If she works 7-3 on Sundays, could she attend a Sunday evening Mass? Most dioceses have several parishes that off Sunday evening Masses. If there is one within a reasonable drive (45 minutes or so?), it seems like she should be able to make time for it. Sunday Mass is an obligation, after all, so if there is a Mass that fits in her admittedly hectic schedule, she has a duty to God and herself to make attending it a priority. I’d encourage her to pursue that option. It might be the only hour all week where she can just rest in the Lord.
Thanks for all of your input.As far as attending a Sunday evening mass,there are none available in our area. The only way my daughter would be able to make it to any church service would be to pick a protestant church and honestly I would rather see her not go than to do this.
I guess that I see it like about half of the Catholic population in that as long as you truly can’t make it, that God ( and the church ) understands . I probably should have mentioned that my daughter does receive communion when it is brought to the Catholic nursing home residents on Sundays and attends their nondenominational service, when she isn’t tending to someone’s needs. Tthis didn’t seem to much matter to some at church. I guess that the divide(basically being down the middle it seems) just shocked me.But sometimes as parents it is good to be shaken up and have your values questioned so that you yourself keep on your toes. Thank you all for helping me examine my parenting. God Bless !!!!
I was about to ask about a service or Mass at the Nursing Home when you posted again. I know my Grandmother’s nursing home has a visiting priest to say Mass once a month. Maybe this could be a ministry for your daughter to try to get a priest to come by on a weekly basis to administer the Sacrament to herself, and the other Catholic residents? If you are really torn about this, I would discuss it with your parish priest, but I am on the side of you do what you can in the season you are in and if you truly can not be there, it can be excused. That siad, I would go to confession about it before starting to attend again regularly.
One thing that hasn’t been mentioned - perhaps she could take some time and read the Scripture readings for each weekend. Personally, I think she is doing the best that she can. I agree about not going vs. a Protestant church, and I would guess that an evening mass is only available to about 5% geographically wise to our state.
For a while, I worked a job that meant I often closed on Saturday night and opened on Sunday morning. I would try to attend a weekday mass when I could, and it seemed that God particulary spoke to me when I did make it. I’m a bit tearful remembering it, in fact. :>) Blessings to her as she navigates this part of her life - it isn’t forever!
I suggest your daughter speak to your pastor about this. He can grant her an exemption from her Sunday obligation if it really is necessary, and he might also have some advice or resources for her on other ways to meet her obligation, recieve communion, etc. (for example, there may be a retired priest who wouldn’t mind the company during his own private mass).
Another thought - is there a reason your daughter could not switch her shifts around? It seems like 7-3 on Saturday would allow her to make it to a vigil mass, and 3-11 on Sunday would allow her to make a Sunday mass.
If her employers could not work with her to help her meet her religious obligations, it does occur to me though to wonder whether there is some sort of legal issue here with her work. This page talks about the law and employers obligation to make reasonable accommodations: http://www.adl.org/religious_freedom/resource_kit/religion_workplace.asp
Has your daughter attempted a frank and sincere conversation with her employers to seek resolution to this problem? I know many health care professionals, and while long shifts and weekend duties are common I have never encountered anyone whose workplace was stubbornly resistant to creatively problem solving this sort of conflict. Occasionally missing mass due to an unavoidable circumstance is one thing - choosing a way of life that makes it impossible to fulfill the Sunday obligation is another, and really every possibility should be exhausted first, IMO!
Any tips for a seriously tired and stubborn three year old? My little one gave up napping cold turkey almost a year ago. As I was pregnant, I finally pulled her into bed with me for a nap during my third trimester. She fell back into sleeping (with me) for a few months during the end of my pregnancy and the first 3 months postpartum. Baby is now 5 months old and the three year old (3 yrs 3 months) won’t sleep again. I am not able to lie down with her anymore, due to homeschooling and babysitting. She is now very prone to tantrums and can fall asleep in the car easily. It’s kind of a mess. Any idea how we can turn this around without my physically getting in bed with her? BTW, when I do get in bed with her, it sometimes takes 45 min. for her to wind down and fall asleep, so I really can’t do it during the week. Veteran moms, any advice?
Susie,
you might have to (for your own sanity) put a gate up in front of her room and tell her it is nap-time. She’ll probably scream for an hour the first time but eventually (maybe 3 days, a week or two) she’ll get the idea that mom isn’t fooling around and she’ll go down easily for you. When my oldest was 2 1/2 she became not interested in naps, but I knew she needed them so I enforced it by putting her back in her bed every-time she got out. She is 4 now and still needs an occasional nap. She probably takes a nap 4 times a week and if no nap on a certain day she has quiet time for an hour. Of course, I know when a nap is needed so I’ll tell her she’ll have a nap instead of quiet time. Does she sleep well at night? I’ve learned and have had other mom’s tell me that children who take a nap during the day sleep well at night, too.
I hope this helps you. I understand how stressed you are because all moms need some kind of break during the day… =)
Susie, can you just let him “hang out” with the family while you home school and babysit?
Maybe take everyone for a walk, and put him in the stroller, at the time of day when he would usually nap—and then let him fall asleep in the stroller, and stay in the stroller for naps?
I have a 3 yr old also, and we home school. I sympathize completely.
It might seem like they intend to be stubborn, but I think they really need a lot from us, and wanting to be near us, and not alone, is expressing a true need. That need can be VERY difficult to meet, especially with demands from other children, admittedly.
You are obviously sensitive to his needs, because you’re asking the moms here for ideas, instead of just banishing him to his room and letting him cry it out… so I am confident that you will come up with a win-win solution.
I would second the idea regarding a gate in front of his room. That way the door is open and it’s not a punishment, but it’s setting a boundary. All children need boundaries, and sometimes a visual is necessary.
THe thing I would stress is NOT to confuse it with a punishment. Does he have a bedtime routine? I’d do the same thing for nap so he equates the concept, perhaps a little shortened (eventually?). Make it a pleasant time when he can bring a book to look at and stay in his bed.
Is he able to understand a reward system? How about a sticker chart strictly for naptime, that for each naptime he stays in his room with no crying he gets a sticker, then a fun lunch after 5 stickers? (Or the like, whatever will work as a true reward for him.)
Good Luck!
How much is she sleeping at night? We recently discovered after having a hard time with both girls’ naps (2.5 years and 9 months at the time) that we were expecting them to sleep too much. They were sleeping so long at night they weren’t tired enough for a real nap (but still too tired to be happy girls). We moved bedtime back to 8:30 pm and instituted family wake-up at 7:30 am (if not earlier) to make sure they weren’t sleeping too long in the morning. We saw dramatic improvement in nap-taking within a few days, especially in the younger one. My older daughter will be three on Thursday and she naps nearly every day we’re home from 2 to 4 pm. We don’t make her sleep; we put her in her room with a CD player set on “sleep” for 90 minutes. She’s allowed to get up and come out of her room (she’s in a twin bed) when the music stops or she wakes from her nap, whichever comes first. If she’s not tired, she can sit on her bed and read books to her babies, but even on days she starts out that way, she usually ends up napping. My house is such a happier place now that she and the (now) 14 month old nap from 2 to almost 4 every day!
I’m in need of serious prayers for my 6 year old son who talks about killing himself. You read that right, he’s just a tender 6 (not 16). He has always had emotional and behavioral troubles (stemming from brain damage as an infant) and things have gone from really bad to way worse. I am completely overwhelmed and trying not to lose hope, trying to believe that I can deal with this because God has allowed for this to happen. I have always felt that this child needs 1:1 attention 100% of the time, but he is not our only child, and not the youngest either. His negative talk, tantrums and violence are affecting the peace in our house, and I fear for the future!
Forgive me for rambling. OK, I know I need to get him (and my husband and I) to a psychologist; the logistics of this (childcare, etc.) are also overwhelming.
Thank you for listening. I appreciate your prayers for God’s hope and peace in our family as we deal with this, and our precious child “D” that he may know God’s love through us. Thanks.
There are agancies all over the US to help with children like this. When my middle child was young there was a little boy in his class like your son ( so it sounds) Since he was deemed a threat to himself,he was appointed a social worker who took care of all the logistics of seeing a psychiatrist and coordinated treatments and so on. This was all free to the family . I would advise for you to look one of the following places; Your local school ( even if your child is homeschooled they can point you in the right direction) your church,your pediatritions office ( though most will simply refer you to a collegue and the bill will be your responsible;it),If you have a local Catholic Charities( otherwise your church can find you one) This sort of thing is too much for you to handle alone. There is help out there, please find it.
Begging Prayers. I will pray for your son. Do not give into despair - it is an ally of the enemy. Ask for peace and more hope and you will definitely receive it.
Now—Please seek professional help by tomorrow. You’ll feel immediately better when you start taking charge of this situation. If he wasn’t breathing or had a seriously high temperature, you would drop everything to get him help. Take a deep breath and make a plan and then act on it. First contact his pediatrician and/or the social worker/counselor at school. (If he’s not in school, contact the public school anyways. Often the school district has resources available. Certainly you have someone who can watch your other kids. I know it can feel embarrassing - like you can’t manage it all - but get over it and think how you’d be more than willing to help another mom out. (Last year I need to take my then 3 year old for an evaluation/screening re speech issues. I really didn’t have anyone to watch the other 3 and it wasn’t possible to bring them all - so I asked around and was surprised to see how many friends were willing to help.) Many women have been right where you are and remember how logistics are a nightmare . . . .
Please act today if possible. Make just one phone call to your pediatrician to get the ball rolling.
peace.
Thank you to Frannie and everyone else who responded. I really appreciate the prayers. I’ve made an appointment, and think I know someone who I can ask to watch the kids (we’re in a new area, no family here, still don’t know many people). I’m just putting it all in God’s hands, but I appreciate you all being “here” for me when I’m feeling so overwhelmed and alone. Blessings to you all.
As a mom of 5, 4 boys and 1 girl, I find that lately I am really struggling with issues of sibling fighting and sassiness. My oldest is 11 and he takes his cues from his Dad in the area of feeling the world is against..or rather I am..lol Usually he is a compassionate and loving son but I can see how his Dad’s narcissism plays into his psychie as well. Any advice for beating narcissism and helping it not pass on to my kids??? Please pray for us and thanks! 
I’d suggest talking to a priest if you are very concerned, but I think the people in your class are wrong. Take a look at the Catechism of the Catholic Church: 2181 The Sunday Eucharist is the foundation and confirmation of all Christian practice. For this reason the faithful are obliged to participate in the Eucharist on days of obligation, unless excused for a serious reason (for example, illness, the care of infants) or dispensed by their own pastor. Caring for the elderly and the ill is just as important as caring for infants, so I really don’t see why people should be giving you trouble. Most of the times I have heard orthodox explanations of this commandment, they have also included a job that supports you and/or your family as an excused absence. Obviously, if your daughter can work in a later Mass, she should, but sometimes it just isn’t possible. Perhaps, your daughter could attend Mass during the week so that she can receive Holy Communion.
Any advice on a spitting almost 3 yr old girl. She will spit at us when she is redirected and upset at us. Don’t ask me how she learned this I have no idea. The best thing seems to be to put her in her room. If she is in timeout near us she will continue to spit which is hard to ignore. I’d love for someone to say it’s a normal stage and try to ignore it and it will pass very soon.
Assuming you know for sure that she knows what she is doing is wrong . . . have you considered a drop of hot sauce? or soap? I know it sounds harsh - but it worked with my three year old after time outs, favorite toys taken, and even spankings for something similar. I think we did it twice and never needed it again.
Hey everyone-
Can everyone please say a prayer for our baby that was born Thursday? He was strangled by his umblicial cord and had swallowed some meconium during delivery. The neonatalogist was there so he brought him back to life. Our little guy is still in the NICU and he is supposed to come home tonight if all is well. He has had a blood transfusion and numerous tests. God has blessed us. Please pray that he will live a healthy life. Thank you so much.
Tanya, first, even if your husband sets a bad example at times, some of this is porbably just “being eleven”. My fifth child is eleven, and this is one of the most even tempered children I have ever known, but right now, she thinks the world is conspiring to make her miserable.
Sassiness is, sadly, quite common at that age as well.
This is the “pre puberty” stage when hormones are beginning to be a factor. For about two years, the child is in pre-puberty and is a bit moody and sassy as you describe, then two years of more of the same at a greater level of intensity, then things calm down around age 15 or 16.
This is an opportunity to love without conditions. What seems to help here is first, respectful and gentle correction. Do not reply to sassiness with more sassiness. Rise above and set the example. Second, if the child is behaving in a way that is disrupting the family, insist he go to his room until he feels peaceful. Remind him frequently that you love him, and point out (to him, in front of others) his good qualities. His confidence is at a low point, and the sassiness is in part due to wanting to exert some control over something, anything.
Our oldest are nineteen, seventeen, and fifteen now. They are good humored and polite. It rook four years of what I describe above to help them reach that point (and I failed many times, but I kpet trying, and they still turned out well). Our 13 yr old seems to have passed the peak of this behavior over the summer, and her sassiness is on the decline.
I know this is an extremely frustrating stage, and it is hardest the first time because you don;t know what to expect.
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