Beautifully stated.  I will be sending this link on to my children’s former babysitter.  After 4 years of dating, she and her boyfriend got married on her 18th birthday, two years ago.  She heard much of the same you did and like you it didn’t discourage her.  I know this post will bless her and encourage her.

Arwen,

I think it’s wonderful that you and Brian fell in love and decided to marry.  When you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want that life to start right away, to paraphrase Billy Crystal.  However, not everyone has the luck or grace of God to meet the right person at 19.  I didn’t meet that person until I was 25, so I didn’t really have a choice one way or another.  I’m for marriage when you fall in love, whether you are 18 or 81.  But just because you had the fortune to meet someone who you wanted to marry and wanted to marry you, doesn’t mean that there aren’t a million girls out there who wouldn’t do the same, if only they could.  The guy has to want to marry the girl too.

My brother married his wife when they were both in 35.  Some of the comments/questions they received : 
What took you so long? 
You better not have a long engagement...you’re not getting any younger! 
Are you going to be able to make it down the the aisle without a wheelchair? 
I hope you’ll be able to have kids...women like you who wait so long have trouble. 
I hope you’re not trying for more than a few kids - or else brace yourself for disappointment.
I was told at the rehersal dinner (by a drunk “friend") - “We were beginning to think your brother was gay!” hahahaha

They have five kids now are I can say that their marriage is a model for all of us who know them.

So you see - the rude comments occur on both ends of the spectrum.  And if you think that young people are pressured not to marry...well you cannot believe the pressure my poor SIL was under to marry.  She held out for the right person though - and when I see her with my brother and those gorgeous children I just thank the Lord she didn’t cave in to all of societal/family pressure to marry young(er).

Let me add one more story.  I know this is all anecdotal - but that’s the point.  We can’t generalize. 

My grandparents married when my grandma was 35 and my grandfather 49. They had seven wonderful kids (who are all Americans and doing great). In Ireland at the time this was not unusual for their social class.  They were dirt poor, uneducated and worked the land belonging to the British.  They were not even allowed to own land.  It took men decades to acquire enough money to be able to support a family so they married late...and by that time a “young” woman who would consider this older man was often in her thirties.  So, there are actually cultural examples of people marrying late because of circumstance.

Arwen, I really like your focus on discernment in this post. Discernment was the thing that really came to mind when reading Rebecca’s post, which made a lot of very good points. My sister and I both remember, though, listening to pompous Catholic men about to exit the bachelor state at near-or-post-30 wax eloquent about “young wombs” - infuriating to those of us single women present who had done our initial vocational discernment and been open to marriage for years more than these same men had. We would have happily chosen to marry in our early twenties - but the men didn’t show up. They finished college, started jobs - and eventually faced the fact that they’d been shoving aside the possibility of a vocation to the priesthood or religious life since high school, and now had to do some real discernment. Now they, still a couple of years older than us, had the nerve to tell us to marry as soon as possible before our fertility expired - which they didn’t have to worry about, since they were marrying women significantly younger. My point in this context? I’m definitely in support of well-discerned early marriage - and even more in support of discernment being part of the fabric of life, so that the need for vocational discernment doesn’t suddenly spring out of the blue as one settles into “real life.” This will likely make for earlier marriages and earlier religious vocations - but faithfulness to God’s call, as Arwen points out, is the real measure, not the age. (p.s. My sister & I are now both happily married - and our not-so-young wombs don’t seem to be giving out on us yet.)

A lovely reflection, Arwen! I wish I had said something about the power of sacramental grace in my original post, but as the myriad responses show, it’s not possible to cover everything in one fell swoop.

Aileen, the point you raise about having the financial wherewithal to support a family is very important. That’s the point Frederica Mathewes-Green makes in the article I cited at length. Historically, the age of marriage rises in economic crisis --immigrants are the classic example, in fact. But what is our excuse (broadly speaking --of course individual couples can still be poor) in this most wealthy of societies for postponing commitment?

She points, as do I, to the unexpected side-effect of the dumbing down of our education system. It used to be that high school prepared most people to enter the work force. Now most jobs require college and even advanced degrees. But do we really want to say that it takes a Master’s Degree to get married? Shouldn’t we work to change that if it’s true? And if we do say that, is it very surprising that the shack-up culture is the result?

Heidi, if you haven’t already read it, it sounds as if you might enjoy the Danielle Crittenden article also linked in the original post. She reflects at length on the particular burdens that late marriage puts on women --and on that annoying attitude in some men you describe so well!

There are probably many more factors to take into account and these aren’t problems that can be solved in an instant, of course, nor is there a one-size-fits-all solution. But our assumptions need some examination if we’re to build a culture of life worthy of the name.

Here’s something funny- when Phillip and I were deciding to get married, the only person who thought we were too young was ME. (And I was much older than you!) I was so nervous to tell my parents that we were probably going to get married in the summer (we didn’t exactly do the engagement announcement thing) because I thought for sure they’d think I was too young. After all, they were 30 when they got married! But it turned out that they were all for it, why wait when you know, blah blah blah. I honestly got married when I did because I knew I wanted to marry Phillip eventually and I couldn’t come up with a good reason for waiting. And now, WHAT AN IDIOT! What was I thinking? Marrying my husband was the absolute best thing I will ever do and I’m glad I got to do it early. Well, early-ish!

Rebecca - I guess I’m not sure that I agree with the very premise of your argument:  that in this wealthy country we are “postponing” marriage.  First, how big of a problem is this?  (I’m sincerely asking...that wasn’t rhetorical).  I do agree that if people are postponing for their careers or to acquire wealth beyond the basics...then you have to wonder what their true underlying committment is.
Also, it’s starting to seem like “postponing” and “marry later” are being used interchangeabley here.  These are clearly two different situations.  As I mentioned, my brother and SIL married late (age 35) but postponed nothing.  From first date to marriage was 6 months and first baby arrived before the first anniversary. 
In previous generations women had to get married.  That was how they left their father’s house.  Many married men they probably didn’t love a whole lot.  But they married young and got on with what was expected. Now a girl has the freedom to live alone and study or work until she meets the right man.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It might make marriage later - but she is postponing nothing.  She is simply trying to find the person with whom she can reach heaven.
I met my husband when I was 26 and in medical school.  We married when I was 27.  I was in an internal medicine residency working 80-90 hours/week (this was before the RRC put restrictions on residency work hours).  We had three of our kids when I was in residency and he was in law school.  We were poor (as a resident I made 24K/year with three kids and a husband in school) but we carried on.  I know many people who have done such as well.  I don’t actually know people who have postponed for any reason other than they weren’t sure it was the right person.
I believe that older marriage these days, in the subset of devout Catholics, is more a function of these men and women realizing they need to wait for the right person.
The rest of the older group - those who are just postponing (as in the old “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free") - that’s a completely different group.  That needs to be made clear. I know there are people who read this who likely got married in their late thirties/forties and I’m sure it was simply because they didn’t meet their mate.  It many cases it’s really just that simple.

It’s worth mentioning that part of the reason that Arwen and Bryan’s countercultural decision to marry “early” was made possible because they’d pursued their relationship in a way that was counter to the modern culture - though very much in line with classical cultures of all types, both Christian and non-Christian. 

From the outset their relationship wasn’t a “spring fling” or “summer romance”.  Neither was dabbling in the relationship for the emotional rush of “being in love”.  After an initial period of getting to know each other, they quickly got serious about their intentions: marriage.  Theirs was not an individualistic “relationship”, but a courtship conducted with full engagement of both families. 

As they discerned that decision time was approaching, they sought serious counsel.  Bryan sat down out his father, who wisely didn’t say, “Well, if you love each other, that’s all that matters”: he insured that Bryan knew the magnitude of the practical responsibilities he was shouldering, and helped him figure out how he was going to provide for his wife.  Bryan also approached Arwen’s father in the classic style, to ask for her hand.  Because Bryan had been around the family for some while, Arwen’s father knew him to be of sound character, but before granting his consent he also asked hard questions about how Bryan planned to provide for his family.  Only when he was satisfied did he give his blessing.

Arwen and Bryan honored both families in how they comported themselves as they approached marriage.  This made all the difference when they later encountered the scorn and questions of outsiders who knew nothing about the details of their relationship, they knew they could count on the full backing of both families regarding their decision.

The critical thing was that they rejected from the outset the current cultural model of “dating”, which is highly individualistic and focuses on what one party can get out of the other.  To the modern “relationship”, the participant’s families are at best marginally relevant and at worst a burden and inconvenience.  Because Arwen and Bryan obeyed God’s commandment to “honor your father and mother”, they now have the blessing of full support from both families as they build their own.

You’re lucky your parents were so supportive. I can’t imagine what my parents would have said if I had wanted to marry at 19 - they would have had a fit. They were still slightly apprehensive when I told them at age 20 or so that my boyfriend and I were almost positive we were going to get married after college. My husband’s parents were kind of apprehensive too. Both sets of parents were more supportive when we actually got engaged at age 21. I guess they knew then we were really serious.

Great additions Arwen. Prejudice is exactly the right word. That’s what I believe you both were talking about, not at all about those who simply don’t find their mate until later in life.

People are strongly pressured to date many people, and not just date, if you catch my drift. This leaves scars that just don’t go away. I’m so glad we resisted all of that nonsense because we knew we were right together. I got a lot of negative, prejudicial reactions about marrying my only boyfriend, as well as for marrying young.

At the same time we did fall victim to other “you’re too young” pressures in terms of marrying later (at 22) and waiting to have kids (which I now very much regret, as we are having a hard time of it).

So I think the point is not about whether marriages that start later for good reasons are better or worse than ones that start earlier. The point is that the pressure to NOT marry young has some serious negative consequences. If the people are mature enough to make the choice, we should support them. I hope that I can help my kids be mature enough by the late teens to be able to make this kind of choice.

I agree with the posts above. Discernment is so key. I always wanted to get married young—I just wanted to get on with it, since I was so sure that was what I was supposed to do. But I wasn’t wise about it, and that led me into several relationships, one serious, that would have been disastrous had they ended in marriage. Eventually I met the perfect man and we married at 25 and 27. So there are definitely dangers to the whole marrying young thing. However, that said, there are also dangers to waiting. One thing I have noticed is that it’s still hard for me, 13 years and six kids later, to undo the ill effects of all my years of single adulthood. It is still really hard to keep myself oriented toward family life, because I had a solid seven years (more if you count the last year of high school, when I was pretty nearly independent) of having EVERYthing my own way. This is the one thing I have envied my three sisters, who married at 20, 20, and 22. They get to grow into adulthood as married people, and not have to unlearn so many selfish habits, the way I have (and still am). And they all finished college, two of them after marriage; one of them who married at 20 has gone on to receive her doctorate in Classics. So if anyone feels she is called to marriage young, just don’t feel that it must end your chances to continue education or personal growth. If it’s God’s will for you, it will fulfill you deeply, and make you more the person He wants you to be.

To your point about people telling you getting married young was disastrous idea - I’ve come to the realization that everyone likes to give you advice. Everyone seems they know better than you, no? While we were dating, my family constantly pestered me to get engaged.

Then, I got married last year when I was 22 and my husband was 26.  I finished college (a requirement of my parents. they got married very young & had me & my mom never got to attend college, much to her dismay), so I thought no one would give me a hard time.

I was quite wrong, apparently. Every time anyone [any adult, really] outside my family heard I was engaged, I’d hear naysaying about how it was a bad idea.  It definitely hurt my spirits a little, but I tried my darnedest to ignore them.

Now, after a year of marriage - I’m getting the external pressure to start having children! I just think people enjoy speculating on others’ lives.

Some people are lucky just to find the right one, don’t let the pressure affect your decisions.

I think it’s great to get married if you have thoughtfully considered the idea and you know that you’re compatible with this person. Unfortunately, many people in Arwen’s age bracket are still too young and self-centered to make permanent, responsible commitments.

I’d also like to challenge the notion that only young people who want to marry face pressure and prejudice. The social margin of acceptability for being single is quite narrow. As soon as a college student walks down the aisle to graduate, society expects her to instantaneously walk down that next aisle to marriage! I am 24, and I’m already struggling with the fact of decreasing marriage prospects as many of my acquaintances have been engaged or married for a few years. Sadly, the opportunity to marry early isn’t always there for the women who want it. For someone who’s not thin and beautiful, she might have to wait a long time. Even a reasonably good-looking girl might have to wait because the men in her age bracket are still living like teen boys. They’d rather have sex sex sex and live together indefinitely. Arwen, you are truly lucky to find a great, mature guy who wanted to marry you. I for one would’ve been ready to get out of the waiting room a year ago, but it looks like I’ll have to stay there for a while longer.