More on Marrying Young
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Marriage on Thursday, September 04, 2008 4:00 PM
Needless to say, I’ve been following the comments on Rebecca’s post from earlier this week with much interest. I don’t have much to add to the arguments - I think Rebecca’s elegant thinking and concise writing have covered pretty much everything I’d say on the topic - but because I have had the experience of marrying at an age that this culture considers very young, I’d like to share my story, just to add my own personal perspective to the heap.
When Bryan and I, ages 21 and 19 at the time, let my parents know that we had discerned a vocation to be married to each other, they said, “Great! If God’s calling you to get married, do it sooner rather than later!”
I thought, It is encouraging that my parents are so enthusiastic and supportive.
In the coming months I would learn just how rare and counter-cultural their reaction was.
I had always known that people in our society are against marrying young, but until I experienced it personally, I never understood just how widespread and deep-seated that prejudice is.
I don’t think I’m speaking too strongly when I call it a prejudice. I cannot tell you how many people - near strangers who knew next to nothing about Bryan’s and my courtship, our discernment process, or the nature of our relationship - expressed the very strong opinion that we were making a mistake, simply because of our ages. One man at the place where I was working that summer, after having grilled me and determined that he couldn’t convince me to change my mind, said resignedly, “Oh, well, I guess it’ll make a good first marriage for you.”
A good first marriage! If I’d thought he was right, that certainly would have convinced me not to go through with it.
There can be real objections to a couple marrying, of course, true objections that have to do with the emotional and spiritual lives of the couple and their suitability for one another. Ideally, spiritual directors, loving family, and close friends should be able to raise these objections in a charitable way if a couple is making a bad decision.
When Bryan and I were preparing for marriage, we were open to hearing real objections from those who knew us, if they had them. But ultimately the only objection anyone offered - and it was not the people close to us who did this - was the information on our birth certificates. Arbitrary as that is, it was not a true objection.
Fortunately, Bryan and I had discerned carefully, received God’s message clearly, and were strong in our conviction that we were following his will in our lives. We had the support of my parents. Once they determined that we really couldn’t be convinced to wait a year or two, we had the strong support of Bryan’s parents as well. We had plenty of loving family and friends who were happy to celebrate the joining of our lives with us. We were blessed.
Sometimes - usually at 1:00am when I’m battling insomnia - I get the horrible shivery “what ifs.” As in: what if things had been different, and Bryan and I hadn’t had the strength and support to get married when we did? We wouldn’t have made it if we’d tried to wait another couple years to get married, and if we had, we would have begun our marriage with another two years of baggage and minus two years of matrimonial grace. Who knows what our relationship would look like now?
Because of our decision to marry when we did, Bryan and I have received an incredible amount of grace and blessing in our lives. We’ve come from college into adulthood into parenthood together. We’re best friends. We’ve developed conflict resolution strategies and crisis-management strategies, and we’re a great team. At the ages of just 26 and 27, we’ve got more than half a decade of marriage under our belts. If we hadn’t dared to be counter-cultural and marry “very young,” we wouldn’t have enjoyed all these years of weathering life together, and we wouldn’t have the lovely anticipation of many more decades… at least not with each other.
This is why I’m all in favor of encouraging other people to marry young if that is where God is calling them. Who knows what God’s will might be? For us, following his will meant getting married at 19 and 21. I’m so glad we did!
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