More on Moms and Mini-Men
Ask a Priest vol. 16
Posted by Fr. John Bartunek, LC
in Family
on Wednesday, May 26, 2010 10:00 AM
Further Thoughts on Last Week’s Question:
Q: I am a mom of a 14 year old son. He talks quite a bit with his dad about sports and school and such, but clams up with me. I don’t have this problem with my two older daughters. I would love to help encourage him to grow in his faith life, but am I being unrealistic? Should a mom expect a more “distant” faith relationship with her son?
In Part I of the answer to this excellent question, we reviewed a fundamental reality: your teenage boy doesn’t feel like a teenager, he feels like a man. You have to keep telling yourself this, because it isn’t obvious to you. And you need to prepare yourself to deal with the consequences, which can be painful for you. Watching your children grow up (i.e., gradually need you less and less) is bittersweet. But for now, he still needs you greatly. He needs your inspiration.
Part II: Inspiring Your Mini-Man
Now we are ready to face the answer to your question, which is both “no” and “yes.” No, you are not being unrealistic by desiring to encourage his faith life. But yes, moms should, in general (again, it’s hard to generalize…) expect that their mini-men will need more space, more distance from the mothering of the past ion this areas too as they start to spread their masculine wings. The crux of the dilemma has to do with how you encourage his faith. This will sound strange, but stick with me here. What mom needs to do with her mini-man is similar to what she did with dad back at the beginning of their romance. Mom needs to work indirectly to inspire her teenage boys, not directly to instruct and mold them.
This can happen in two ways. First, mom needs to strive by her example to be the kind of woman that she wants her son to be attracted to later (when marriage time comes along). When Tony sees mom look her best when she goes to Mass, that says a lot to him. When he sees her kneel and pray sincerely and humbly before Mass (having arrived a few minutes early), he sees the beauty of piety.
When mom (or dad) asks the children what they thought of the homily on Sunday, and then really listens to what they have to say, responding with, “That’s a good point; I didn’t think of that,” instead of correcting them with a “Boy, you really missed the point …”, then Tony begins to see that the faith is not just something that parents force on their kids, but something capable of standing up to his own lively mind. When mom puts some flowers on Tony’s dresser in honor of his baptismal anniversary, without saying anything about it, she tells him that his faith life is something attractive to a woman, which links it, subconsciously, to his emerging sense of masculinity. Inspire your mini-man instead of instructing him.
Second, mom needs to give her teenage boy a chance to act like the man he feels he is becoming. She can allow or invite him to do things, to take on responsibilities, to make a contribution instead of just receiving guidance, help, and direction from mom. This is especially helpful if you do it indirectly.
“Tony, I am so frazzled right now, I just have way too many things to do this weekend and I don’t know how I am going to make it work. Can you help me out?”
This approach can trigger his noble side, his desire to come to the rescue of the fair maiden who needs the benefit of his strength. It’s a very different approach from saying, “Tony, I am pulling my hair out here. Will you PLEASE take out the garbage like you’re supposed to?!?!”
A corollary of this has to do with the issue of praise. The mini-man may be awkward and clumsy during these transition years, but he needs your praise anyway. He needs your smile and delight to shine on his activity – whether chores, debate club, or baseball. Letting him contribute and giving him praise doesn’t touch his faith life immediately, but it creates space in your relationship which will allow him, eventually, to feel comfortable conversing with you and including you in his new stage of life. It shows him that you recognize that he is no longer just a boy. So, he will be more likely to listen to your wisdom when you share it. (But when you share it and he seems not to hear it – the clamming up moments – just be humble; he hears more than he lets on.)
For the third time, I repeat: it is hard to generalize in the area of mother-son relationships, but I hope that these reflections will give you some ideas to think about, and some tactics to try. God bless you!
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