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Danielle Bean
Danielle Bean, a mother of eight, is Editorial Director of Faith & Family. She is author of My Cup of Tea: Musings of a Catholic Mom (Pauline 2005) and Mom to Mom, Day to Day: Advice and Support for Catholic Living (Pauline 2007). Though she once struggled to separate her life …
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Posted by Danielle Bean in Family on Wednesday, October 28, 2009 3:00 PM
I was touched by the ten words of mom-wisdom from Denise Jonas that Lisa shared over the weekend. Reading through her list made me think about what I would put on a list of my own.
Here’s the list of 10 pieces of advice I came up with as helpful reminders for moms (and myself):
1. Touch them. It’s easy to get physical with your kids when their dimpled bottoms and chubby cheeks are just begging for you to pinch and hug them. When kids get older, though, it can be surprisingly easy to fall into a habit of skipping regular touches. Of course we moms are limited in what some of our big kids will allow, but we should make a good effort to show physical affection to each of our kids every day. Kiss them goodbye and goodnight. Put your arm around their shoulders. Offer hugs. Tousle their hair. Engage in some playful wrestling, even. Touch matters.
2. See them. In the blur of busy family life, it can be easy to lose sight of little details. Make an effort to really look at your kids and take in some of their tiny details every day. Gaze at the baby’s toes, note the greenness of your son’s eyes, and take in the graceful curve of the back of your daughter’s neck. They are fearfully and wonderfully made, these children of ours. We should pause every now and then to recognize that.
3. Hear them. Do you look your kids in the eye when they speak to you? This is not always possible, of course, but our kids really feel their worth when they don’t have to compete with a telephone, TV, or computer screen for our attention. If a child is telling you something, it’s worth interrupting whatever you are doing to look him in the eye and listen. Hard (at least for me) but definitely worth attempting.
4. Praise them. We sometimes get in a habit of only noticing and pointing out the negatives in our daily routines. We tell our kids what they forgot, what they neglected to do, and all the little ways they can improve. But children crave affirmation and approval from their parents. Shouldn’t the underlying theme of our daily interactions be one of unconditional love and acceptance? Even if there are negatives to talk about, make sure to look for and point out the positives—even the small stuff—on an ongoing basis.
5. Laugh with them. Laughter is a great stress reliever. Even when things feel their un-funniest, we can look for a way to poke fun at ourselves. We parents often take ourselves way too seriously. And guess what? Family life is funny. Don’t be afraid to loosen up and get a little goofy with your kids now and then.
6. Break the rules. Some of the most fun memories I have of time spent with my kids are the times when we “broke the rules” a bit. I let them stay up late or eat too much junk food or watch too much TV. As long as we are usually meeting the guidelines we set for ourselves, it can be a great change of pace and an easy way to make an event feel “special” when we make exceptions to our own rules and spend some time enjoying “indulgences” together.
7. Give them to God. Our kids belong to God first and foremost. In the busy-ness of our day to day living, however, we can fall into the habit of thinking everything—from their grades to their wardrobes to their dental health—falls on our shoulders. Remembering that God loves our children even more perfectly than we do and wants only what is best for them can relieve us of needless worry and anxiety. Give your kids back to God. And ask Him for the grace to help you raise them.
8. Decide what’s best for your family. And then just do it. Get comfortable in your own skin. You don’t have to raise your kids exactly like you were raised and you don’t have to do things like your neighbors do—even if you admire them. God made lots of different kinds of good Catholic families that live out the faith in lots of different kinds of ways. Find what works for you and ... go forth with confidence!
9. Love their dad. Children feel secure and loved when they see their parents loving one another. Give your kids the gift of a family founded on a happy, loving marital relationship. Let them see you loving their father and never let them hear you put him down, especially when you are angry.
10. Pray for them. Even if you pray with your kids, it’s important to remember to pray for them as well. Pray for their future spouses and vocations. Pray to their guardian angels for protection. And let them know you are praying for them in little things too. Telling them or leaving them a note that says “I prayed for you to do well on your test today” or “I have been praying that you will solve the problem you are having with your friend” will be encouraging to your kids—even if they are reluctant to admit it.
How about you? What items would you add to this list?
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i really love this list…you are so right.
regarding item #1- my oldest girl (6 yo) is not a touchy feely type at least not with me so the few times she lets me hug her it’s like a gift.
my second (4 yo boy) loves to snuggle so i am grateful for that.
my youngest is only 11 months so i am not sure if she is a snuggler or not but i love to smooch her fat little baby cheeks!
This is a great list, but if I may be so bold, may I add one more?
Thank them. So many times I get into “ordering around” mode, you know, clean this up, get your brother, get a diaper….I’m sure you’ve all done this. So, during different breaks in the day, I try to make sure I thank them for specific things, like, thank you for controlling your temper when your sister picked on you, thanks for cleaning up that mess so quickly.
I think it’s important that the children don’t think that we take them for granted.
This is an excellent list. I second the idea of thanking the children for all the help they give to the family. I recently delivered my seventh child after a difficult pregnancy. My two oldest daughters,11 and 13 years old, helped me so much I just don’t know how I would have managed without them. My husband and I praised and thanked them throughout the pregnancy for all of their selfless help. They both told me that their baby sister was worth all the hard work.
Great list Danielle! Thanks! I think I’d like to add “Play with them”. My 4 and 2 year old daughters love it when I play “Tea” with them, or help them build a castle with Legos and blocks. Often I find myself saying “Just a minute; let me finish this first, then I’ll play.” Next thing I know 30 minutes (or more) have passed and they’ve moved on to something else….
That is a great list. What beautiful reminders for all moms. I really need to work on #3, #4 and #5. It’s hard sometimes to slow down and really focus on what they are trying to tell me and then stop and have fun with them. They are growing so fast, what could be more important than being there when they need me?
I love this list and agree with all of them wholeheartedly, as well as all the additions by others above. The night before my I dropped my first-born 19-year-old off to college, I made a point of tucking her in and snuggling with her and then just jumped right into bed with her and snuggled tight until we finally both agreed that we needed to part as we both needed our sleep. I felt like I was trying to make up for not having snuggled her enough over the years. Touch and love on your kids—before they’re gone and there simply isn’t opportunity anymore.
And 1 addition I’d make that felt so important over the years: Apologize to your kids when you make a mistake. If you’ve screamed or made impossible demands—when you come to your senses, fix it with an apology, an explanation for your craziness (if it will help them to forgive) and ask their forgiveness.
I love the list and all the great comments and additions! As the mother of a teenager and two young adults, I would venture to add one more: Talk to and discuss with them why you believe and think about things the way you do. Tell them what you have learned from your mistakes and how you’d like to help them to avoid those same mistakes. I think we often just assume that kids know how and why we parents think, based on the values we teach them at home. Discussion at the dinner table about current events or dating, or whatever issue comes up, can be an invaluable way of acclamating a teenager to young adulthood and gives him or her a solid foundation to help them withstand the attacks on your family’s values that they will surely encounter in the outside world. When our daughter (our oldest) went off to college, she text messaged me after the first few days and said, “Thank you and Dad so much for raising me the way that you did! The kids here are so mixed up- they don’t know what or why they believe about anything!”
Excellent! I would only add one: Respect them. It’s a proper goal to teach our children to respect us as their parents (as well as all elders and people in authority). But, it’s equally important to respect our children—as people, as contributors, as thoughtful human beings with opinions and ideas of their own. Especially when our little ones become teenagers, remembering this can save our relationships with them.
Be honest with them. We have watched family after family turn chicken as the kids get older. They say, “Well, we taught them what’s right, now they’ll have to decide for themselves.” Then when the kids push the limits no one says a word and the kids get the impression that no one really meant all that stuff, anyway. Don’t be afraid to tell the truth. Don’t be afraid to say “No” when there’s no one else to say it. I thanked my mother for telling me the truth many, many times. She saved me a lot of heartache with her brutal honesty.
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