Please prayer for my dear friend Katie, who lost her 4.5 year battle with a brain tumor this past Saturday. She was only 29. Please keep her family in your prayers as well. Thanks.

I have an odd question, but one I need help with. How do you all teach your children (especially girls) about the sin of masturbation. My daughter is quite young, but I find her exploring sometimes & it worries me. I really don’t know how to address it since she is a toddler. I just tell her no that is yucky. I don’t want this to be a “taboo” topic because it was when I was younger & it would have helped if my mom explained it better. Sorry this is kind of personal, but I’m hoping someone will be able to answer. Thank you!

My prayers for Katie and her family. We lost our cousin Andy to a brain tumor last May at the age of thirteen. We pray that Katie’s family receive the comfort of her presence with our heavenly Father, the comfort that has helped us so since losing Andy.

Prayers for Katie and all who love her.
Anon- We’re just starting to face this with our toddler son…so far it’s just occasional hands in diaper (both front and back) which I consider natual exploration at this time of development.  We simply tell him to keep his hands out of his diaper.  I’ll be interested to see the responses of others on how to address it as the children become older and actions become more intentional.

How do you teach the occupant of a top bunk to make the bed? I can hardly make it! Any suggestions? We’ve already ditched the top sheet.

Thanks

Awhile back you discussed which were the best mops.  I saved the info but of course now I can not find it. Could you give me a little feedback again because I don’t want to waste money on a mop I won’t like.  Was it the miracle fiber strips possibly?

Re: 2- I am also interested in this question I hope the moms of older kids can give us some insight on it….

Also, I am reading The Shack… is anyone else?  I’d love to talk to some orthodox catholics about it.  I promise this isn’t shameless blog plugging, but you can reach me at my above site, if you don’t want to discuss it here.

How grateful I am for this forum filled with sisterly love and thoughtfulness. 
May the good Lord bless Katie’s family as they grieve their loss, and may the angels rejoice as one who has suffered much enters the Kingdom of God!

I was hoping to find a little feedback from other moms who have experienced a similar situation to the one I am facing…I’m 43 and just found out I’m expecting baby #7!!  I praise God for His generosity and goodness that He has created another soul to join our family!  On a human side, I know I will face much negative feedback from extended family.  This shouldn’t diminish my joy but it does preoccupy me.  My sister in law experienced infertility but chose not to adopt.  She has not healed from her pain and I become a painful reminder to her of her childlessness with each pregnancy.  She avoids Baptisms and Holy Communions of our children and other events because they are too painful for her.  Otherwise, in her way, she loves them all deeply and showers them with affection and gifts when she is able to join us.  I know this is our cross but I wish I knew how to help her or how to ease her pain.  She’s the primary hurdle but there are others.  I embrace this gift and even these minor struggles but would appreciate any feedback or shared stories.

God bless you all.

Kelly #5,
My 6 yr. old ds pulls up the top sheet and comforter while he sits up at this pillow, smooths it a bit and climbs out, replacing the pillow on top and arranging his decorative items (the ever growing zoo that lives with him up there). It isn’t military perfect, but from the ground, it looks neat.

Toddler masturbation??  I wouldn’t worry about it.  You will only put things into their minds that shouldn’t be there in the first place!!  Toddlers, and little kids are just exploring the different parts of their bodies.  They should be gently misdirected but you should NOT bring up anything related to masturbation until they are old enough to learn about sex itself.  Then it can be talked of in that context.  If you make a big deal about it, then they will get curious and THEN it will be a problem….. come on ladies, seriously!!  Toddlers do not “masturbate!”

#10. I’m asking for help explaining it to my daughter when she is older & advice for how to deal with it now. I would appreciate a little charity because this is a hard topic & like I said before I don’t want it to be “taboo” in my household. Thanks!

Andrea #8—congratulations!  I am typing with my #8 in arms and I’ll be 46 in a couple months.  We too have had a hard time sharing our joyous news with family members—well, since the 5th child.  It has always been the biggest tension in our relationship with our families (especially mine)—our choice to follow church teaching on marriage and family life.  I wish now that I wouldn’t have lost so much sleep/time worrying over it.  When sharing the news about this latest miracle in our lives, I posed a question back to my father—“And exactly which one of these grandchildren would you choose to not have in your life?”  He stopped then and there.  I think if we called with news again, he would remain silent or at the very least a bit quieter on the subject.  I do struggle always having to put my best foot forward with my family——I never share with my mom or sister the challenges I face day to day—-always show the “joy” for fear of getting the “what did you think would happen with 8 kids?!” which I have heard before.  I guess part of God’s plan to plant us far away from our families is that we only have to deal with them on a limited basis.  I need to remember to offer up these challenges and hurts!

Andrea,

I was sort of going to say the same thing.  For the lady with so much pain regarding her own infertility, I would suggest you offer up all of your little (or big) pregnancy sufferings for her.  I can also relate to the “comments” as an older mom.  One of our relatives would always say “oh, I keep forgetting you are pregnant” whenever she saw me with my belly.  Guess that’s sort of the opposite of praying for me, eh?

re: touching “down there”.  With my young ones, we treat it as a sanitary issue.  I explain that your hands often have lots of germs on them.  While these germs do not hurt your hands or the outside of your body, the could make you sick if they get inside your body.  Touching certain areas of your body (mouth, eyes, nose, where you potty from) is how they get inside.

For older kids:  do they know about the birds and the bees yet?  Perhaps you could explain it by saying that good feelings are involving when a husband and wife come together, but some people try to get those good feelings by themselves.  This is wrong because those good feelings are meant to be shared only by a husband and wife.  It is a gift from God for married couples.

#11- 1.restrict access: IE always have pants on the child, 2. I just say “hands out of pants!” any scratching itching or adjusting must be done in the bathroom. 3. with older children -teens? you explain how their sexuality is meant for their marital relationship…but this sort of sin ties in with homosexuality, porn etc…IE you can be reinforcing the case against masturbation when talking about all of these other issues….

Scheduling your Day:
I recently borrowed the book “Managers of their home” (titus2.com) and am contemplating implementing a schedule.  I don’t like their approach to babies (they, too, are scheduled.  the author approves of and uses the “cry it out” method, claiming that after a time or two the baby learns to sleep on his/her own.  I don’t think so!)  So I’m wondering if I can implement the scheduling of myself and the older children without scheduling the baby (and any more to come), or will this throw too much of a wrench in the works.  Also, my husband’s work schedule rotates (days and shifts), so that makes things a little more crazy.

Has anyone else read this book, tried scheduling, and/or have any suggestions?  I would really like my day to be more organized and productive.

Hello.  I just left my job to fully embrace my vocation as a wife and I was wondering how you ladies schedule things out to make sure everything gets done.  I spent a week getting the house back in shape and now am ready to start a routine.  I’ve never not worked before and don’t want to spend time loafing around the house.  My mother in law seems to be under the impression that loafing is exactly what I will end up doing, but I really feel called to be home so that I can focus my energies on God and my husband.  We don’t have any children yet, though we are praying for that to change soon.  I guess I have two questions from my rambles.  How do you schedule your days to make sure you are being productive?  and How do you deal with cultrual backlash from family members?  Thanks for being here.  I love the website.

Andrea #8,
HAving been on the infertile side I can say that what made things easier for me with friends and family with babies was acceptance.  By that I mean, their accepting that there were simply some events that were too painful for me to participate in - ie baby showers and get togethers focusing solely on babies.  It in no way meant that I wasn’t happy for their blessings and they told me that they understood that, without saying that they knew my pain.  My time with the babies was on the terms that I could handle, which changed with events and hormones.  Don’t hide your blessings and happiness from her but also don’t discuss the minutae and frustrations with her and expect sympathy or empathy…she’d love to have them.  You sound like you’re caring about her pain and that’s important.

Sure, put up a post about “The Shack” and I’ll come to discuss.  My nutshell review?  Had much interest in it since so many people I know were so enthused about it.  And?  Badly written.  Drek.  Sentimental.  And mixes in a little bit of good with a lot of bad, thereby thoroughly confusing those who do not have a decent grasp of Catholic theology.  Whatever else that book may be, it sure isn’t Catholic.

Amy, I have not read Managers of Their Home, but I can recommend a wonderful book A Mother’s Rule of Life.  I recently swapped roles with my husband (thankfully) after years of his graduate study and I am now home full-time when I have always been working full-time.  What I love about Mother’s Rule of Life is it is focused on priorities (your relationship to God first, then self, then husband, etc.) while still being very practical on how to get everything done each week.  I find if I remember the priorities each day and maintain flexibility with my schedule it works out best.  This way your baby doesn’t have to be on your schedule, but you allow your schedule to be interrupted by your little one with their very unscheduled needs.  Hope this helps!

To Anon.
We are beginning to deal with this issue for the first time with our third child.  My advice, begin as you mean to continue.  I don’t recommend calling this action yucky or dirty.  In our home, we just simply say that’s not chaste, hands out.
In using from the start the correct word for the situation, the word becomes familiar, so when it is time to start talking about chaste behavior in a more meaningful way, the term has already become familiar to the children.

For those of you struggling with extended family you feel is not being accepting of your large family, are they concerned with your health or the health of your children?  I ask because I would understand a hesitant response from my family because after the birth of my last child I was very sick and unable to care for my kids and chances are it is not going to disappear for me.

I hear so often from families their disappointment with the responses of others and I know for me that those reponses come with valid concerns that I need to address.

Shannon, I also really enjoyed A Mother’s Rule of Life - even though you are not a mother yet!  Lots of great info on incorporating God and our faith into our daily lives as keepers of our homes.

Shedule: I second the recommendation of Mother’s Rule of Life as it’s so much more than just a schedule but helping you live out your vocation. It may never come together quite as organized as Holly but that’s the beauty, it comes together differently for each of us. 

Andrea: We have 6 children and also have a couple that are very dear friends.  They have struggled with infertility.  They were blessed to adopt a child 3 years ago.  But before that it was 10 years of infertility with 2 miscarriages.  It is different for everyone and everyone has different needs or things they can handle.  For this couple, inviting them to be a part of our family and letting them enjoy our children was most helpful for them.  Early in our friendship they shared that many of their other friends began avoiding them once they had children becausae they were afraid it would be hard for them.  But in reality it made it worse for this couple.  We always invited them to be a part of birthday parties, bbq’s and even various outings.  They came over for game nights, etc.  In a sense, we shared our children with them.  Now they have a beautiful 3 year old son and the three of them are still very much a part of our family.  This may not be the best thing for every situation but they said it really helped them.

Amy #16:

I would recommend the book “Secrets of the Baby Whisperer.”  I really like it because it take a middle-of-the-road approach.  The author shows you how to get your baby on a routine, yet she does not approve of crying it out.  I used a lot of her methods with my second baby, and it has made my life a lot easier than it was with my first.  Best wishes in finding your balance!

Anon,
As others have stated, I would not worry about toddler exploration too much. My kids are older now and my only daughter is eighteen, so it has been awhile but if I remember correctly I went about not making it “taboo” by simply telling her that there were private areas and explaining that we did not touch them openly. I do remember explaining that if there was discomfort ( bunching clothing , etc. ) that she could rearrange things in private( when she was a bit older) or with Mom or Grandma’s help in the bathroom with the door shut. I found that since she was wearing cotton panties before she turned two, she still from time to time had on clothes ( one piece PJs, tights, and even a onsie once or twice) that would bunch up causing most of the “touching”. Also, is there an outside chance that she has yeast or another even slight irritation that could be causing this ? My niece was suddenly doing a bunch of this when she was about three. Nobody noticed any redness or anything so they thought she was simply exploring and would tell her No . Finally one day , being the precocious child that she was, she stated loudly “It feels weird and I am concerned ! “A trip to the doctor revealed slight irritation that turned out to simply be an intolerance to the brand of Baby wipes that they used. You just never know.
As for teaching when children get older, For us ,it was just part of the talks that we had through the years. I started simply ( and age appropriately) and built on the foundation when I felt the time had come. I feel that these mini talks had kept the door of communication open where the one time ” hush hush this is your information” talk kind of portrays things as a one time ( don’t mention it again ) talk. Hope this answers your question.

Answer to my own question?  I was just gathering some items to bring with me today and came across a copy of something in my “when I get around to it” pile.  “Simplifying your Domestic Church” by Abby Sasscer (free at chcweb.com)  Scanning over it, it may be what I am looking for.  It helps with scheduling, but isn’t as rigid as the “manager” book.  Plus its Catholic!  I did buy and read through the ‘Rule of Life’, but it did not seem as though it was going to work for me at the time.  I think I’m going to read all three sources and put together something that works for me.

I echo everyone’s comments on “A Mother’s Rule of Life”.  And the best thing about it is that it is very Catholic (especially regarding the Church’s teachings regarding openness to children).

Re: masturbation—I think toddlers are just naturally curious.  When discussing this topic with older kids, I think the best way to discuss it is to look at what our Church teaches about sexuality.  Sex is a gift from God and is meant for babies and bonding, within marriage.  Any sex act that does not or cannot lead to the possibility of children is sinful (i.e. masturbation, homosexuality, using contraception).

Andrea,
Lindy makes a great point about different people handling the pain of infertility in their own way.  I think the best way to address it is to ackowledge that some situations may be difficult but don’t assume they will be.  Our friends/family always extended the invites…they just let us know there wasn’t pressure if we were more comfortable declining.  If it’s something the couple wants to come to, they will.

Andrea - I would recommend you ask your sister-in-law to be a godparent.  Then she can kind of “adopt” the child and do special things for him/her.  This helped me since I can’t have more kids despite my desire to and so I dote on my three godchildren.  If she isn’t Catholic you can still ask her as long as the other godparent is Catholic.

Good Morning Andrea,

I suffered from infertility and miscarriage for 20 years.  It was so painful to learn of new baby at first.  There really wasn’t anything that would help but time which lead to acceptance. 

I love the advice of offering your suffering for hers.  I am 43 also and became a mom through the miracle of adoption at 40. 

I will pray that your sister in law would open her heart to adoption.  My precious son is giving me a little of heaven on earth while I wait to meet my children in heaven. 

God bless you for seeking ways to help her to carry her cross.

#8 Andrea   I too, had difficult ‘ones’ to tell in our family, mainly persons who don’t agree with the Church’s teachings/fallen away Catholics…(no one with infertility—a totally understandable reaction.)  In our case, baby #11 at age 45, it was less of a hardship to tell everyone…I guess they probably have given up trying to give us advice in this area…Hee! Hee!...  I know they could be concerned about health etc., but not in our case. We don’t have as many ‘things’ as others in our family and that would account for most of the ‘uncomfortableness..nothing else.  They are all proud of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews and now that we have so many wonderful ‘adult’ children (4 over 18), they can’t deny it’s been a great thing for our family and is ‘working’.  But this was hard-won..not so much in comments on our part as example for many years…I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job and congratulations on your pregnancy.

For Anon and others: my dd is a toddler also, so we are just starting out with this too… but I’ve done a fair amount of studying of JPII’s Theology of the Body and from that I’ve been trying to take the approach, from an early age, of purpose.  Not with more info than she can handle and not (especially when she’s young and can’t make distinctions between, say, touching with a washcloth in the tub and “masturbation”) with a lot of emphasis on sin, but just with factual statements like “That’s not what that part of our body is for.  It’s for going potty with, not playing with.”  Sometimes I’ll bring up germs or something too, but usually I stick with purpose so that when she’s older and we can get into more details of that purpose, she doesn’t have a vestigial notion of parts of her body as bad or yucky.  I can’t say yet how effective this will be since she’s not very old, but I do think it makes things more matter of fact rather than whatever our own formation as kids left us with.  Plus, it will be a natural lead-in later for further discussion and info as needed.
For Andrea, having dealt with infertility myself, I just echo what others have said: invite, but don’t push or take it personally if she just can’t do some of these events.  It helped me being told over the phone or by letter instead of in person too, since I was genuinely happy for the friend/relative, but also would want to spend some time grieving for myself and the ones I had lost.  It was so hard having to hear the news in person and then be cheery and listen to all the baby talk for the rest of an evening or family event or something when I just wanted to get away and cry.

Any of you moms coach a youth rec sport?  I ask because Spring is around the corner and so is my “get out of the box and do something different” venture into coaching girls lacrosse for 3rd & 4th graders.  As I have never played lacrosse, nor consider myself sporty, I need some advice.  What makes a good coach?  What should I not do?  I do have two other experienced coaches helping me, so I’m not so worried about the skills part.  I’m just worried, well nervous I suppose, about the parents.  They can be troublesome in my neck of the woods.

Shannon (#17)  A mother’s Rule is a good one, and I believe it’s invaluable for Catholic women and mothers, but I also recommend Flylady.net and organizedhome.com.  Both have wonderful ideas, print outs and other ideas to get the home organized, on a routine and scheduled… for when you’re not into reading a book… I use a mix of all three sources and I’m doing better in our home life (2 preschoolers and 2 four legged children underfoot all day!)

#2

I read this somewhere and it was the simplest explanation I have found.  Your privates (male or female) are not toys.  Do not play with them.  I really haven’t had an issue with this other than with our #5,a daughter and our #6, a son. 

This seems to have worked a little better for our daughter than for our son.  He is three and does need to touch his penis to aim the pee, on occasion.  But that isn’t playing.  Unless he starts “drawing” pictures while he is peeing, but that is another story.  LOL

#16, #27 - I have used bits & pieces of “Managers of Their Home”.  Overall I found it rigid, but there are some great tips in there like minimizing the number of decisions you need to make in a day - for example having the same lunches M-F.  (Mondays - PBJ, Tuesday - bagels, Wednesday - Mac-n-cheese etc.)  I also like how they schedule the older children to play/teach the younger kids. 
#17 Shannon- I recommend “Home Comforts: The Art And Science of Keeping House” by Cheryl Mendelson. She has all kinds of info on keeping house including suggested schedules of what should be done when.  I highly recommend it.

Ladies, especially with multiple children close together, how do you handle unsupportive CATHOLIC family?  My husband and I were raised to be traditional practicing Catholics by our strongly Catholic parents.  We’ve been open to life and God has blessed our 3.5 year marriage with 3 under 2.5 years old.  After our first child, I have been given a hard time by my mom when I’d annouce the 2 subsequent pregnancies, even told to “stop doing it”, “use NFP” and “you don’t want to be like xyz big family that can’t care for their kids!”  Last time I tried to discuss it with her, she blew me off as just being “hormonal” :(

I’m still shocked and completely unsure of how to handle this.  My mom was the one who raised me to be true to the Church’s teachings, in essence to be open to life!  She knows we are good Catholics… what should I say to her?  I am extremely worried about dealing with her unsupportive and rude comments the next pregnancy….

#38 Assuming there is no basis for your extended family being concerned with the number of children and quickness at which your family is growing I would just ignore them in charity.  Look closely at yourself, if there is an issue (like postpartum depression, major chaos, cray tight finances . . .)  I’d make sure to address it as best you can and still ignore their comments.  I was just wondering if you mom was concerned about something legitimate.  I’ve also known a devout Catholic family were Grandma was embarrassed by the number of her grandchildren and how quickly her children were having children (can you imagine?) so it really was her “issue”.  It’s amazing how we can all be subtly influenced by this culture of death we’re immersed in.  (btw I also had 3 of mine in under 2.5 years - but no one said a thing to me!  I’m mean so I think they’re afraid of me

My husband is a convert.  I have always taught my teen son that masturbation is a sin.  However, my husband not having been raised Catholic, was raised where this was not considered sinful and actually encouraged by his father.  He thinks it’s normal and has told our son so.  So now I’m stuck in a dilemma of the two of us at odds in what we are telling our son.  I’ve talked about this with my husband and unfortunately he had a priest tell him that infrequent masturbation is okay.  Everything in moderation!  So what do I do now????

Pam,
Isn’t it too bad that one can always find some priest (even if it’s an online “rent-a-priest!) who will okay certain things that are clearly not in line with the faith?  I mean, sure the Church teaches moderation, but not in regard to sin.  (I’ve never seen the commandment that says “Only beat your wife on the second Tuesday of each month,” “Shoplift only at Christmas when money gets too tight to give all the gifts you want to,” or, maybe more to the point here, “You may have one affair every 5 years, but more than that is too frequent.”)  Would the catechism help?  It’s clear on things like that.  Also, as I mentioned above, I’m a huge fan of JPII’s theology of the body.  It’s so helpful because it takes things out of the realm of a bunch of “thou shalt nots” and puts it in the context of “if you can have this wonderful banquet, would you really choose the garbage can instead?”  Because of original sin, we all tend to see only the forbidden tree and not all of Eden that is freely given to us.  Christopher West actually talks often about this very issue and how problematic it was for him that his dad was so encouraging of it and just took it as a given for guys.  If you can get your son into ToB materials from Jason Evert, that might be helpful for him so that it isn’t just one parent against the other, but is presented from an objective 3rd party who is young and male and cool and funny - but also very much to the point about the right use of human sexuality.

Hello Pam,
Christopher West also has a series on Theology of the Body for Teens.  Hope this helps.

A friend and I (both with small kids) would like to start a Bible study that we could do while our kids play. We’d like something particularly geared toward Catholic moms. Any suggestions?

M, I don’t know of any geared specifically toward Catholic moms (they might exist though) but Emmaus Road Publishing has three Bible studies for Catholic women: Courageous Women, Courageous Love, and Courageous Virtue. If you can’t find a mom’s one, these might be a good place to start.