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Email a FriendI wish I had more time to comment here…long story short. I met my husband on the internet (Catholic dating site) and he was in California while I was in Michigan. Two of my best friends met their husband’s online, both carrying on long distance relationships until married. And one met her husband in person, but carried on most of their relationship from “across the pond”. All of us are happily married. As for me, we met online in August of 2000, met in person for the first time in Nov 2000, were engaged New Years Eve 2000, married in May of 2001. It worked well for us, I think partly because we were a little older than average (late 30’s) and therefore more deliberate about who we dated, less inclined to over romanticize, I think. We wrote and talked daily for the majority of our courtship. And visited whenever possible.
When someone who is serious about their Catholic faith sets out to find a spouse, the field can be limited and small. The internet and distance made that a wider field and made it possible for us to find each other.
Nurturing Love Across the Miles
Posted by Kate Lloyd in Family on Tuesday, June 15, 2010 10:00 AM
Dating will never be the same again. Twentieth century dating brings with it novelties, and possibilities that would have been almost unbelievable two centuries ago. One of the most obvious changes is the “long distance relationship.”
Think about it. A long distance relationship is really unnatural. (I’m in one myself.) A couple years ago, a man met and married the girl up the street—the one who he went to grade school with, and made his First Communion with.
My grandfather told me he knew my grandmother all his life. He just didn’t realize it until they were married. A long distance relationship then may have been when the girl lived in the next town over. People generally had the same ties, loyalties, and sensibilities, partially because they lived in the same place.
It surprises me sometimes, the questions that arise because my boyfriend and I grew up 500 miles apart each other, and spend every summer 9 hours away from each other. (That’s not too bad actually: our best friends who are dating live in separate countries, at least 3000 miles away from each other.)
One hundred years ago our paths would never have crossed. Dating now is great because opportunities there are more opportunities to meet people, but it’s hard when it comes to seeing each other very little, or answering questions like “Where will we live in a few years?” or “Why does your family act that way?”
A great thing about dating now is that when seperation is necessary, communication is really easy. We asked a wonderful priest about being apart, and he said to make a set, regular time to talk on the phone. I just like to be wary of one thing as far as the phone goes: While it is certainly great to hear the other person’s voice every day, a topic can easily get exhausted, and little impersonal, repetitive conversations can get to you fast. When you’re not seeing the person, the whole dynamic of the relationship changes.
I tend to think that long distance relationships should not be too lengthy, if possible. Two people need to be around each other enough to get used to how they act on an every-day level. I’m not sure how it is possible to spend an entire relationship apart. (Any thoughts?)
While distance can help to strengthen love, it shouldn’t be pushed past the limit. At some point you need to see the person, to be in their presence, to know that they’re real, and that they love you. We’re made for community with others, not with the phone. German philosopher, Joseph Peiper talks about sight as being the first step to love. It is in seeing that we recognize and know. It is in knowing that we love. And it is in loving and being loved that we find our fulfillment.
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I agree with Carol. I also have friends who met over the internet and are now married, and who might never have met otherwise. One couple are from different countries. My husband and I met, dated, and got engaged but then spent the next nine months apart (he in his native Ireland and Germany, I in the US, where I’m originally from). We found e-mail great for keeping in touch, and used to write a couple of times per day. (This was in the days before Skype or instant messaging.) We talked on the phone once or twice a week, and we sent lots of letters and cards by post. I recommend writing real love letters—you’ll always have and treasure them. We also had a set prayer time when we would both prayer for each other at the same time each day. I know what you mean, Kate, about ‘where will we live?’ and ‘why does your family act like that?’ because we have an international marriage, and in some ways, even after 12 years, I realise my husband and I will never completely understand where the other person came from. On the other hand, as I believe Fulton Sheen said, every marriage is a blend of two cultures because every family is a culture in microcosm. One final pint—we still live somewhat apart as my husband is a weekly commuter to his job and spends three or four nights away from the family each week, and has for the past nine years. This I don’t recommend as it is very challenging, but still possible if everyone works at it.
Great post. Like Carol, I also met my husband on the internet (dorky sci-fi site 
), in 2002. We were early 20s though. We were about 400 miles apart but had so much in common with our family backgrounds, interests, and shared faith and values. We met in person in early 2003 and dated long-distance for two years before I moved to his city after finishing grad school, then we got married in 2007 after a short engagement. In the meantime I had also spent time in his city during my summers in school. We were able to get to meet each other’s families many times during our dating relationship, but it was different than if we’d grown up together or socialized a lot in high school. (Then again, that would have been the case if I’d met my husband in college, too, since mine was a national school.) It wasn’t as hard for us to answer the question of where to live, because I knew I wouldn’t stay in the city where I went to school and I had gotten a job in his city after graduation.
You can make long-distance relationships work, but I definitely agree that there needs to be significant time spent together also so you can, like you said, “get used to how they act on an every-day level.” It was a lot easier to have a dating relationship once I only lived 5 miles away instead of 400! The only thing I differed with you on was, we never had to set a time to talk on the phone! We talked every day
I know lots of successful marriages where couples met on the internet. However, I think once marriage becomes a possibility for the couple, they should try to continue dating/courting in the same place. There are some things I glossed over about my husband’s family that I would have understood better if I had been around them more. They are still being worked out some 20 years into our marriage. I also think my parents could have helped guide me better if we had been around them more as a couple when we were dating.
You are right, and I had a similar experience with my husband’s family. Having said that, other people who married into the family, and who did spend lots and lots of time with them, were from the same town, etc, were pretty much as baffled and in the dark as I was. There’s always going to be a small element of potluck with in-laws, though as you say we can try to reduce this element by getting to know people better.
That happened to me too. I wasn’t around his parents before we were married and so didn’t realize how toxic they were and how dysfunctional his relationship with them was. If indeed you “marry the family” you need to know the family too so you can make an informed decision. I would still have married him even if I had known but someone else might have decided differently. In any case, I think both guy and gal need to spend time with the potential in-laws.
My college boyfriend and I dated long distantly off and on for a few years. For us it didn’t pan out. When he did finally move to the city that I was living in, I freaked out because I missed my freedom. Couples should spend time together when they are dating. And sometimes, the “long distance” part is covering up fear of intimacy or a unrealistic view of what a relationship really is. It’s not enough that you miss eachother during the separation, you have to be able to build a life together, together. By the way, I ended up marrying a guy who lived “down the street” from me after all! Go figure.
I’m going to be the old fogey here! My husband and I had a long distance relationship for the school year at the end of my college and during grad school. This was way back in the dark ages of the late 80’s—which meant we had no email, Internet, cell phones, or texting!
We wrote actual letters, often several pages a day or at least several times a week! I can still remember waiting for the mail to arrive to see if I had a letter. We also had to wait to call until the long distance rates went down at 11 pm! It was a rare special occasion to rack up prime time phone charges with a daytime or evening call.
We did see each other over holidays and summer, although even at home we lived 25 miles apart. We’re now married nearly 20 years.
Sometimes we marvel at how different today’s long distance relationships are with email, video chats, unlimited calling, etc.!
I am “cracking up” at this post… We dated in th 80’s too. My husband and I met in high school at our senior year retreat. (It was a very large Catholic High School) - we became good friends. He then went away to college. We dated others. We became best friends. Romance blossomed our sophomore year. We were then in a long distance relationship for 3 years. Same thing - we called in the early am when long distance rates were low - to say good morning. We limited to 5 minutes and I made those calls. He called me on Saturday nights we talked for 35 minutes. We wrote letters almost daily. We still have those letters in many boxes. We were engaged at the end of our senior year, but we both wanted to go to Graduate School - so we applied to the same schools and went to the one we were both able to get accepted to. We rented apartments in complexes that were separated by a park. During that time, we ate a lot of breakasts, dinners and went to Mass together a lot. We also planned our wedding on the side. That year is one I will treasure. We got to know each other alot as we prepared for a professional lives nearby eachother and our married lives when we werent studying. That time solidified our desire to marry and our realization that it was God’s plan for us. So what am I saying here: a long distance relationship can work beautifully. We were forced to communicate as our only means of growing close - and since we were far apart, we were forced to consider our personal life paths and work on them. I realize now that the more a young, single person spends that time in a sort of “selfish” routine of getting to know themselves well, the more they understand who they are and what they have to give to a relationship. But eventually getting to be near the beloved and living nearby so that good time can be spent together for a good long time is also invaluable. We ended up marrying after 4 years of dating; half way through graduate school. Just before we graduated, our 1st child was born. 20 years later, we have 6!
If you’re an old fogey, then I must be too! This was beautiful to read, as my hubbie and I have similar story. We went broke with phone bills, but the letters between us are one of my most prized possessions! He even wrote poems for me, and wooed me from afar. We did see each other, probably monthly or so….all four years of college and married shortly there after. We learned everything we could about each other, and I knew exactly who I was marrying, and I attribute that great blessing to being in that long distance relationship. We had no internet, no texting….only our love letters and long late night phone calls. We hated it at the time, but now I can see it as one of the greatest blessings for us. We knew each other so well…..we played the 20 questions game all the time, and were well prepared for marriage and kids. This year we will celebrate 13 years and 5 wonderful children. God has been good to us….even in those difficult years of distance, He knew what we needed, and I will always be grateful.
Great post topic!
I’m getting married in just under five weeks, and up until about two months ago, my fiance and I had never lived in the same city (in a dating relationship). We both attended the same college and met during finals week of our junior years (2007). He had just discerned out of minor seminary and was heading back home, four hours away, for the summer. However, he also had another military deployment looming on the horizon and wouldn’t be returning to school that fall. We only exchanged a few e-mails that first summer and then while on a weeklong break during his work up to Iraq the following fall, he came back to visit his college friends and I got to see him twice - both times in a group of people. That’s when our e-mails started to increase and once he deployed, we started writing letters too. The e-mails and letters became very frequent and a month after he returned home (1.25 years after we met) we started dating. At that point I had moved to a different state and he needed to return to school to finish his senior year. We were living 4.5 hours apart. Once he graduated he found a job in his hometown, which was only 3 hours from where I lived. It was still far, but much better than 4.5 hours! Like the above posters, my DF wrote me love letters (and still does. . .now he’ll sneak over to my place early in the morning before work and leave them on my windshield!), which, up until we have children, will be the first thing I run for if my house ever catches fire! We also had to wait until 9 pm before chatting on the phone in order to get free minutes, which often left us tired the next day, but it was worth it! We’re both looking forward to July!!
Thank you, Kate. I am hopefully on the backend of a long-distance relationship of two years, meaning I will be moving back as near to the girl as work will possibly let me, and I cannot wait to get back to dating. The only times we see each other, are intense weeks or so of time constantly together, and they are wonderful, but to be able to say, “See you soon,” would be just fantastic, rather than staying with each others’ families as we visit. This post has really helped me to see exactly what it is we are working towards here. Thank you.
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