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On Finding and Teaching Forgiveness

What works in your home?

Posted by Lisa Hendey in Faith on Tuesday, August 30, 2011 2:00 PM

This weekend, I found myself once again in the confessional seeking reconciliation for a sin that continues to plague me. The priest, a confessor who is new to me, chided me a bit for my disability to forgive myself in the situation. His comments made me feel that in holding on to the bad feelings, in continuing to punish myself mentally for what had transpired, I was distrusting God’s mercy.

The experience has me pondering forgiveness this week and how we teach our children, teens and even our spouses about the power of reconciliation. Of late, I’ve found a great deal of solace in this phrase from the Catechism (#1468):

“The whole power of the sacrament of Penance consists in restoring us to God’s grace and joining us with him in an intimate friendship.”...For those who receive the sacrament of Penance with a contrite heart and religious disposition, reconciliation “is usually followed by peace and serenity of conscience with strong spiritual consolation.”...

It’s one thing to say we forgive someone (or that we forgive ourselves) and entirely another thing to actually do it.  In my adult life, I’ve found that it’s much more difficult for me to drop grudges I am bearing against those who have harmed my husband or my children. For myself, I tend to let things go rather easily (my bad memory aids that!), but when it comes to someone who has leveled hurt against my family, the ability to let go is more difficult. And in truth, the person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself—especially when I’ve acted in a way that harms my family.

As is sometimes the case here on the blog, my musings don’t have a good conclusion. I continue to struggle with this a bit, and am asking you to share your insights and thoughts on finding and giving true forgiveness. Also, I’d love to hear how you, as mothers and wives, are able to stop feeling resentment towards someone who has hurt a loved one. Finally, if you have any suggestions for teaching “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” lessons to little ones, I’d love to hear them!

Comments
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Filed under faith, forgiveness, reconciliation

Comments

Page 1 of 1 pages

 
Posted by Sharla on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 3:19 PM (EDT):

I’ve been working with my kids on asking for forgiveness and giving the others the opportunity to forgive now as they are young as a way to prepare for the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  When they fight they have to say:
1) I’m Sorry
2) Please forgive me
3) What can I do to make it up to you?

Only one of my kids (age 5) remembers to do it consistantly, but it’s good for us all.  I was really glad to see my daughter’s teacher institute a similar 3 step policy in her Kindergarten!  It has brought up a lot of good conversation too.  When one child refuses to give forgiveness while they are still hurting, we talk about where we find the strength to forgive, and how forgiveness does not mean the pain is gone, and what we should do if someone refuses to forgive…and of course the importance of “making it up.”

 
Posted by Lesa on Wednesday, Aug 31, 2011 9:14 AM (EDT):

Love it! I will be using this from now on!

 
Posted by Susie on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 3:26 PM (EDT):

I also struggle with this, for I know the sin has been forgiven, but there are still the consequences of the sin that are not changing.  What I try to do, is see where God is giving me opportunities to help other people in a similar situation so they don’t make the same sinful choices that I have.  Every time a situation like that is presented to me, I see it as another opportunity for grace and showing God how much I love him - and how much he loves me because he keeps giving me another chance through other people.

 
Posted by Monica (momof2) on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 4:12 PM (EDT):

It is important not to confuse grudge (nonforgiveness) with pain/hurt.  You can forgive someone and still feel the pain from hurts until the day you die.  You are still human, you still have emotions and you still feel pain.  As long as you forgive someone in your heart you have done your job even if the pain continues.  Luckily most pains seem to lessen over time but it may never go away completely, especially if the guilty person continues to inflict pain.  I just try to offer up these pains everyday in reparation for my sins and the sins of others.  How do you know if you have forgiven someone despite still feeling hurt?  You can manage to act kindly to them and pray for them.

 
Posted by Susan on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 8:00 PM (EDT):

You make an excellent point here.  There is a huge difference between holding a grudge and feelings of hurt and pain.  Frequent confession helps a lot, so does prayer, esp the rosary.  Offer up the rosary to the one who hurts you.  I agree that you need to make distinctions here between forgiveness and hurt feelings.

 
Posted by Teresa on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 4:36 PM (EDT):

I automatically and immediately (most of the time) will to forgive someone and ask God to help me forgive them completely. It also helps to know, after reading the other answers to this question, that experiencing pain does not mean you don’t forgive.

 
Posted by Regina on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 4:39 PM (EDT):

I heard something once about forgiving yourself.  If you don’t let go of your own sins, once forgiven in the sacrament, it’s like you’re running forward with your head looking back.  You’re much more likely to fall again!  What matters is that we keep our focus straight forward toward Our Lord and Heaven.  The devil get a “bonus” out of our sins if he can pile on shame, self-absorption and obsession with the past!

 
Posted by Salome Ellen on Tuesday, Aug 30, 2011 5:14 PM (EDT):

One additional thing that we did with our (now grown) children beyond Sharla’s steps above was to make sure that BOTH sides were at peace.  In other words, not only did the transgressing child have to repent, the one transgressed against had to make a sincere effort to forgive.  (When they were little, a non-forced “I forgive you” was required.)  Then they had to show that they were at peace, with a hug or some other behavior.  We still get comments about how amazingly our children all love each other, and I’m sure this is part of the reason.

 
Posted by Lesa on Wednesday, Aug 31, 2011 9:13 AM (EDT):

Great tips! Thank you. My children are at the stage where they fight about EVERYTHING! I’m going to use this and the three steps above.
Thanks again!

 
Posted by Sally on Wednesday, Aug 31, 2011 12:16 PM (EDT):

Since this directly relates to your post, Lisa, I wanted to let people know about a new book on the power of forgiveness that includes step by step processes on how to forgive. The author Fr. Scott Hurd’s pastoral take on just how difficult it can be to forgive those who have hurt us and for us to forgive ourselves for hurting others is refreshing and practical. You all can read a sample chapter here to see if it may help you and to help you adapt his approach to help teach such a difficult concept to your kids: A new book on Forgiveness by Fr. Scott Hurd is now available. Read a sample chapter here: http://store.pauline.org/English/Books/tabid/126/CategoryID/549/List/0/Level/a/ProductID/3641/Default.aspx?SortField=ProductName,ProductName


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