On Not Diving
Posted by Arwen Mosher in Family on Monday, October 18, 2010 8:01 PM
My daughter is cautious to a degree that often frustrates me. She freezes if she senses that something might be uncomfortable or hard or scary. Even if we know she’ll enjoy something, we still have to coax her to try it. Nearly always we’re right and she loves it. That doesn’t mean she trusts us unthinkingly the next time. She’s less hyper-cautious than she used to be but progress is slow.
I watch other kids diving into new experiences while Camilla hangs back dipping a careful toe into the water. I love her exactly how she is, but sometimes I wish that she’d been born a little different. I don’t want things to be hard for her. It’d be great to see her enjoying some carefree abandon every once in a while.
We work hard to find the balance between helping our girl feel secure and loved (the first priority), and encouraging her to step outside her comfort zone. It’s difficult on a daily basis, and sometimes I get frustrated.
On the other hand, sometimes I get a reminder that the apple (so to speak) doesn’t fall far from the tree. Remember two weeks ago when I was dreading our road trip?
(Thank you for the suggestions, by the way! Reading through them, I felt buoyed just knowing that other families had survived road trips much more intimidating than ours.)
I have rational adult faculties that my four-year-old does not, and I still do my best to avoid uncomfortable situations. I wasted time and energy trying not to think about how awful our road trip was going to be. I had to coax myself to commit. And the driving part of the trip turned out fine. There were a total of 40 screaming minutes where we wished we’d skipped it, and we heard a hundred “when are we gonna be there?“s, but it was otherwise hiccup-free. Easily bearable and completely worth the hundreds of dollars we saved.
But thinking about how I anticipated the trip and about Camilla’s natural caution has made me realize two things.
First, I want to let go of wishing my daughter would enjoy life like other kids do. She enjoys it in her own way like her mama does. Maybe we’re careful about jumping in, but we’re also less likely to crack our heads on the concrete. It’s a fine way to live. I certainly don’t find my own life desperately lacking just because I like to think things over ahead of time, and Camilla won’t either.
But also, I should practice what I preach. I still think it’s important to help my daughter stretch the limits of her comfort zone so she can grow and become more confident. If it’s good for her, it’s good for me. I want to learn to trust that uncomfortable experiences will be bearable or even enjoyable, and not waste time dreading them.
Realistically, neither of us will ever want to dive into that pool head first. But with time we might be ready to hold our noses, jump, and have a lot of fun swimming around in there.
Among many good ways to live, it’s one.
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