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Email a FriendA great reminder for moms to take care of ourselves, and how it’s not indulgent but necessary. I remember how much I was struck by that message in Lisa Hendey’s Handbook for Catholic Moms, and this is a great refresher. Thank you!
Outsourcing
How are you surviving motherhood?
Posted by Rachel Balducci in Family on Tuesday, September 13, 2011 10:37 AM
My goodness I loved yesterday’s posts around here! To me, talking about burnout and happiness and what does it even mean to be a good mom—that’s the kind of encouragement and frank talk we need to get through this sometimes challenging season.
Reflecting on those two topics—and readily admitting that I can identify with these same feelings—I want to share with a you a few things that I’ve done in recent years that have affected positive change. I don’t have it all figured out, mind you, but these have been steps towards battling burnout and heading it off at the pass.
I recommend you:
1. Look at your schedule and figure out if you really can do it all (note: the answer wll most likely be “no.”).
2. Figure out what you need help with. Some options: have someone come in to clean. OR put your small children in a Mother’s day out while you clean OR talk to a friend about sharing child care while you either clean and/or get out. Do the same thing with other challenging areas of running a household—and then simplify.
3. Take an honest look at your budget—and then consider this outsourcing to be for your “mental health.” This is not a move for “leisure” or “fun time.” Getting a break—either time alone or help around the house—this is for your sanity and mental well-being. When you look at it like that, tightening up in other areas in the budget will make sense.
4. Don’t compare and don’t feel guilty. Don’t look at what your friends are doing—don’t fall into the trap of thinking if they can do it all why can’t you. Who knows what they are doing and what they aren’t? I’ll tell you I struggled with this for too many years, especially with my homeschooling friends. “How can they do all the same things as me plus homeschool all day?” I would wonder. Then I decided I didn’t really know the answer and the best thing I could do was take care of my family in the healthiest way I could. I decided (with my husband’s help) to outsource what we could.
5. Don’t be afraid to have fun and be happy! That sounds silly to say, but sometimes it needs to be said. It’s okay to go have some fun—by yourself, or with some friends. Go grab lunch. Go sit in silence.
Just get out and go.
Comments
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There must be something in the air lately - I blogged about this same thing yesterday without realizing it was the hot topic of the day over here! I couldn’t agree with you more on the need to “outsource” what we can in order to support our own mental health and the good of our families. We aren’t meant to be Lone Rangers and we need others to “mother” us if we’re going to mother in turn. Thank you for raising such important points for all of us to reflect on.
Posted by Kathleen on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 2:05 PM (EDT):
Thank you for this very thoughtful reminder. Sometimes we are so busy doing things “for” our kids that we forget to have fun “with” them. And was it on this blog or another wise woman’s, where there was a post called “Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Work”? I think that is an important lesson to learn. Thanks Rachel!
Posted by Ashley on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 3:38 PM (EDT):
I recently found out that a friend of mine has a cleaning lady come in once a month to help get her caught up on housework that she has fallen behind on. I have to admit, at first I thought it was totally ridiculous. I mean, who has that kind of money these days? And as soon as I started to think that maybe, just maybe I could swing the extra $50/month just to have a little help around here, my ego got to me and I felt ashamed for even considering it. I have 3 children ages 4 and under, I run a transcription business from home, homeschool my oldest for preK, and my husband is never home because of working 14 hour shifts most days. I’m still bouncing back and forth from daydreaming about how wonderful it would be to just have a little bit of help, and scolding myself for even considering such a financial luxury, especially when we don’t have much money left at the end of the day to begin with. I’m such a nicer/more joyful mommy/wife when the house is at least not in a state of chaos. So, I either need to lower my standards for the house or dump my ego and get help.
Posted by Jennifer on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 3:55 PM (EDT):
When my children were little, the biggest resistance I had to getting help were my friends. At first I thought I had to hide the fact that I found a regular sitter and a cleaning person to my play group. There is this subtle jealously that exists in friendships, and sometimes it rears its ugly head when you do something that is considered a luxury or a waste of money. Aren’t we stay at home moms supposed to be with our children 24/7? What’s the point to staying home to take care of your children when you hire someone else to do it? These are the types of conversations that I found myself in, and I had to defend my choices. It made me uncomfortable, and open to snarky remarks. Thankfully, I got over it when I realized that when you stop banging your head against the wall, it ceases to hurt.
Posted by Ginny Kubitz Moyer on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 4:13 PM (EDT):
Amen, Rachel. I am a big believer in paying to preserve one’s sanity. That might mean paying for a cleaning lady, or a babysitter, or a therapist, or takeout meals. It’s different for each mama. Even if you don’t have a ton of cash lying about (who does?), even small changes can make a big difference. I “indulge” in buying bags of prewashed lettuce for salads so I don’t have to rinse off all those blasted leaves. It makes a difference to my quality of life, and my family’s. When Mom is sane, the house runs more smoothly for everyone.
Posted by Regina on Tuesday, Sep 13, 2011 4:17 PM (EDT):
It took me a long to realize that Something Has To Give. That goes for me, and for the other mothers that I’m comparing myself to. For me: I knew I was working my fanny off all day long and I was wondering why I couldn’t do quilting and canning and visiting nursing homes and 6:30 am daily mass and and and. I got some good advice about being more efficient and managed to squeeze in the mass, and the rest I had to let go! For my mom-friends: I realized that while they were quilting and canning, Something Had To Give. Some of them could do with less sleep. Some of them had more tolerance for untidiness in the house. Some of them had children in school while my were at home all day. But the truth is: they weren’t doing everything I saw them doing, PLUS everything I was doing. That’s impossible. We’re all living in a 24 hour day!
I’ve spent the last week or so dreaming about hiding in my room to sew, read, knit, etc. while somehow the laundry, homeschooling, cleaning, cooking, tidying, etc. get done just how I want them done without *me* having to be the one to do them all. Ah, alas… it isn’t going to happen. I imagine the fantasy has something to do with the fact that my due date is tomorrow.
But seriously though, it is so crucial to figure out what to pare back and what to “outsource”. I have to admit we haven’t made the decision to outsource anything, but I have definitely pared way back on outside engagements and responsibilities. This has given me the mental space and time to be able to do what needs to be done and be reasonably satisfied with it all, and still have time to take a nap and have some down time during the day - so essential in pregnancy!!
Posted by Emma on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 6:24 AM (EDT):
I too loved the posts yesterday and identified with both of them. As a stay at home mother of 5 I have struggled with guilt at having a cleaner come in but the absolute relief and peace of mind it gives is worth every penny! We’re happy ( and have to! ) cut costs else where. Now that my older 4 are in school, and I only have the baby at home life is a little bit easier during the mornings. The frantic busyness of lots of littles at home is still fresh in my mind, and all I can say is that motherhood has seasons- some are much tougher than others and during those times a bit of outsourcing is crucial. As is time outside the family- for me it might be lunch with a sibling or friend, Bookclub with the girls or a long walk alone. Time with my Loverboy is important too, to just be us and not mummy and daddy. My point is- let the guilt go, get a little help and You may just find you enjoy it all a little more.
Posted by RE on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 8:45 AM (EDT):
Although I totally agree with Rachel’s post, I also agree with Jennifer (above) that most of the resistance comes from friends and acquaintances. When discussing whether or not to outsource, I have heard these type of comments:
On considering mothers-day out or a weekly sitter: “Oh, I could never abandon my children like that. I’m just too close to them.” Ummm…thanks for the implication that I abandon my kids or am not close to them.
On considering whether or not to hire a cleaner to come once a month: “I really enjoy serving my family and God by keeping house. I always try to have a joyful heart.” Again, thanks for the pick me up.
On considering convenience food: “Our bodies are the temple of God. We should always put the very best into our meal preparation. I just can’t feed my family chemicals.” Sigh. (And don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to cook, but everyone needs a break now and then.)
Passive-aggressive gems such as these can put us all into a horrible corner. Miserable to stay put, but too guilt ridden to make changes. I understand that I am responsible for my reaction to other people’s comments. However, it is tough to parse out the things that I should feel guilty about, and the comments I should just ignore.
Posted by StephC on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 8:56 AM (EDT):
RE, your last paragraph is going to be copied, pasted & printed, then framed and put over my sink! Bless your spunk & bless you for commenting just now, just when I needed it (& for reasons not even directly tied into this thread!) Thanks, from a sister in Christ.
Posted by Laura on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 11:19 AM (EDT):
RE, thank you for this - it made me laugh out loud! We have had regular sitters/nannies come into our home for the past few years to help out with child care since I work part-time, and I can’t tell you how many friends have said these exact words to me: “I could never do that - I’m really picky about who I leave my kids with.” As if I trust my babies to anyone who can fog a mirror?!? 
I know exactly what you mean about their reaction being more about them than about me, so I have learned to laugh (and roll my eyes to my husband) about such responses. But honestly, I’m done with tearing down others’ parenting decisions to build up my own. How does that build up the Body of Christ?
Posted by Claire on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 2:14 PM (EDT):
So true, that often mothers try to make themselves feel better by questioning those who have different parenting styles. If a busy mom can afford to outsource here and there, I say go for it! Now, I do think there are some people who take it to extremes (such as an acquaintance of mine who only has one child in preschool three mornings/week, does not work outside the home, has a cleaning lady and still feels the need to bring her Mother’s Helper on playdates!) But that is an extreme example. Most moms have a lot on their plate and should feel free to get some help without being judged for it.
Posted by Kim on Wednesday, Sep 14, 2011 3:46 PM (EDT):
A big outsource that we did a couple years ago was sending the kids to Catholic school. I had been homeschooling up to that point with 6 kids (4th gr, 1st, K, Pre-K and 2 babies) and I was absolutely losing it. I held myself up to others expectations of what a “good” Catholic mom should be doing. I realized that I can still embrace my faith and not force myself into a miserable situation, which homeschooling truly was for me. This was a huge expense but my sanity is worth it. I find I don’t worry much any more about those passive aggressive comments - if someone is consistently acting like that, I distance myself from them. I still am pleasant and polite, I just try to let the comments not ruin my peace. Peace is VERY important with 6 kids! I say this as I’m hiding in my room with the AC on and the door closed while the kids are downstairs doing homework & playing board games!
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