Parents are the best friends and adisors. They have brought us up with love They have sacrificed many things to give us many things in life. Should we be not grateful, loving, obedient, respectful to them ? Even after 18, we should think that the parents are parents and they think agout our good and wellbeing. Too much of individualism should be avoided and family peace, unity and strength maintained

The biggest problem we have faced with our adult child has been that, eventually, you face the prospect that you will have to either back off and let them do as they please or follow the road that leads to just kicking them out onto the streets with nothing.

Not all adult children will take you to that decision point, but it is there, lurking behind every rule and enforcement. They are adults, they have all the rights and responsibilities that we do. Suddenly it really isn’t your business anymore how they do their hair, or if they’re going to blow off their homework and sit in their room and eat ice cream instead of going to class. What are you going to do? Ground them?

We’ve had a rough road of it so far. My oldest is 22, still at home, still struggling. He does essentially what he pleases, when he pleases. And that’s fine, it’s his life. Our choice has been not to send him out onto the streets, to be patient with him. It’s not always a choice I like. But the other option is too hard, too much like seeing him eating with the pigs. I’d rather have the prodigal under the roof, where I know he has medical care and food.

I have to admit, I don’t like seeing adult children still under the rules they were under as minors. One of my friends took away her 20 year old daughter’s computer and cellphone for having a bad attitude. It just seems like the kids never do get to grow up when you do that. Sometimes, other adults will have a crappy attitude. We just gotta find ways to get along, I think, without trying to enforce our power.

My parents had their many children over two decades so the older children, when visiting from college or staying at home after college, were living with children more than 20 years their junior. My parent’s view was that any adults living in their house in view of their young children had to follow rules. Adults coming home at all hours or taking odd trips was disturbing to the routine of the kids (not to mention confusing to them). Adult kids didn’t have any problems following their rules when it was made clear that towing the line was for the peace of the household and the formation of the younger kids.

Having a 20 year old and a 23 year old in the home along with our 15 year old and 11 year old goes fairly smoothly.  There are certain rules that are expected that are rules of respect for all, but they also are adults and I sat down and told them that we are entering a new realm in our relationship instead of parent/child we are now parent/adult child and we have to share mutual respect of each other and it is going to be a learning experience for all of us.  They go to other college towns for the weekends or stay at friends houses and I still ask that I get a phone call letting me know they arrive so that I don’t worry.  But, I also ask that of my husband and do it for him as well.  It is just something we do.  I don’t mind a few friends over but the house rules do stay in tact and I have a nicely framed picture at the stairs by the front door indicating that our house is a home and if you cant respect it as such, the door is behind you.  I still expect them to sit down and have dinner with the family when they are home and that they pick up after themselves and take turns cleaning their bathroom and the family room they “hang out” in, so far things run fairly well with adult children although it has taken a lot of prayer and resolve on my end to allow them to be adults and not to treat them like children.  It is hard to give up the reigns.

I try to respect how they use their time but encourage them to maintain control. It does not always work well, my guys tend to play all night and sleep all day- when vacationing at home from college. I usually let it go the first half of the time home and then try to help them regroup. In the meantime as long as they are respectful and cooperative, they are welcome to come and go as they prefer for the most part. I really try to respect their individual autonomy once they have left home for college, but balance it with helping them to show proper sense of duty to the family as they live with us for the time they are home. This is a fine art- you really have to work on through the teen years, before they leave home, especially the last year. I have never had success with throwing the my way or the high way card- mutual respect has been the better way to go with my four who are now grown and in college and beyond, and they are usually reasonable. They know we have a number of little children still here who are unduly influenced by a poor example and they usually try to help out.

As a 23 year old who left home not that long ago, I hope my advice/plans will help someone out!  I turned 18 the summer after I graduated high school.  I then went away to school for two years (Francsican University) then transfered back to MI living one year with my grandparents and one year in my own apartment before getting married two weeks after graduating college.  I did go home for all vacations when I was at FUS.

Basically the rule was something like this “Since you still live under our roof and we cosign your school loans, we expect you to treat our rules with respect, especially since you have lots of younger siblings.  We’ll respect your freedom and decisions, so long as you respect the few rules we have”.  I felt like the rules that were established were reasonable and I abided by them.  In regards to the freedoms like road trips, I honestly think at some point, you just have to let your kids go and do it.  Just reinforce that you’d like them to call and check in with you every night and that you’d like an itenerary so that you know where they’ll be visiting.  You can NOT baby your kids, especially once they hit 18 or they will rebel and fly away as fast as they possibly can.  Raising them to that point has been about teaching them how to “fly” so that when they hit 18, they’ll know they can always rest in the “nest”.

Specific rules: -Once I was 18 curfew was out the window, although I was expected to call and let them know when I was going to be home.  -I wasn’t allowed to have any boyfriends over alone in my room (although my then boyfriend, now husband lived 15 hours away, we respected that rule when we visited together).  -And I was expected to help with cleaning up around the house (something I still am somewhat expected to help with if I’m there…  odd!).

I’ve had adult siblings live with my husband and I.

We treated the situation in much the same manner as when sharing our home with friends (we were university students when we married and spent a few years with housemates).

Ideally there would be a discussion of house rules where the following questions would be answered.
Who’s responsible for what chores?, how will costs be shared?  Is there a need for quiet times? (it’s not proper to be noisy when housemates *need* to sleep or study)  What about guests, parties, smoking, drinking?  Are we going to keep each other aware of what we are doing and where we are going to be?(something which can be a good idea-particularly for female students)

My rule of thumb was that any rule that I would consider fair when dealing with a friend renting a room in my home should be fair with my sibling as well.  Any rule which seemed a bit much when dealing with a friend, might be a bit much for an adult sibling.

I honestly don’t remember any of my dad’s rules when I became a quasi-adult.  Maybe it’s age 45 approaching - lol.  I do remember being welcomed home and my dad would always make an effort to get my favorite foods.

I do remember that my aunt & uncle had one very firm rule;  When you lived in their home (during summers & on break) you HAD to attend Mass.  It didn’t matter if you rolled in at 4 on Sunday morning.  There was no talking to my uncle about it.  I don’t think they made them go to confession - - but Mass was a must. 

My cousins & I are all in our 40’s & 50’s now and they all still practice the faith.  Some more faithfully then others - but they would never dream of missing a Mass.  Most of our family get togethers revolve around the sacraments and some of my cousins from that family drive 2+ hours to make the 1st Communion Mass etc.

I was 17 when I graduated high school, and even though I went to college in the same town I grew up in, I wanted to move into my own house with several housemates. (It was basically a Catholic dorm run by my university’s Newman Center).  I had a full scholarship, but my dad made it clear that I had two choices.  I could continue to live with him, and while I would still be subject to his rules, he would also help me out financially with books, gas money, spending money, etc.  Or I could move out, but I would be on my own and have to balance college with working to pay for rent, groceries, etc.  What can I say, I was young and wanted to be free so I choose the latter.

Everything worked out in the end, but it took a few hard lessons such as me running out of money and having to work a couple of extra jobs, which caused my grades to dip for a little bit.  But I learned those life lessons quickly and became a better adult because of them.

On the other hand, my sister, who is older by two years, stayed living with my dad until she got married.  She learned her life lessons through having to balance her adult life with respect for the hard work my dad was doing to help her suceed in school without her having to work.  She realized that keeping the house clean, being responsible, and not stressing him out by going somewhere without talking to him about it first was the least she could do in return.

I guess what I’m saying is to make it clear that continuing to live in your house as an adult is a privelege.  It’s not something you “have” to do.  They can either respect that (and your rules), or find a way to make it on their own.