Over-Praising Our Kids
Posted by Danielle Bean in Family on Thursday, February 19, 2009 12:00 PM
Did you watch American Idol the other night?
I did see some of it and one contestant in particular caught my attention.
There was one pretty girl who gave a terrible performance. It was so bad, I was uncomfortable just watching it.
When she finished, all of the judges agreed with my assessment: It was awful.
What struck me, though, was the fact that when the camera followed her off stage, we saw her being greeted by her mother who hugged her and told her, “You rocked!”
Of course she didn’t rock. She stunk and she had to have known it at that point. But telling our kids how great they are is just something we mothers do ... or is it?
Is showering our kids with false praise a good thing?
I was thinking about this just last weekend when my 7-year-old son Stephen finished up his basketball season. At the end of the last day, parents and coaches gathered in the gym where the children were awarded “certificates of participation.” As each child’s name was called, the gym erupted in cheers and applause.
I had to wonder—what were we cheering? The fact that the kids showed up each Saturday morning for 7 weeks and played ball together? Weren’t these kids just having fun and learning new things? Wasn’t the experience “rewarding” enough?
Whatever the point of the awards, it was lost on my Stephen, who tossed his certificate on the backseat of the car during the ride home and hasn’t thought of it since.
While I disagree with much of what author Alfie Kohn has written on the subjects of competition, parenting and education, I do find his thoughts on parental over-praising to be very helpful: Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!”
I can’t promise to stop telling my kids “Good job!” but I do see the value in teaching kids to build their self esteem based on real accomplishments as opposed to puffing them up with empty praise.
What do you think? Are you raising any praise-junkies?
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