How wonderful—I bet she was thinking of “let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them.”

I find people tend to be so very, very kind about my kids at Mass—maybe because I am so very often alone with all of them while Dh is sailing (Navy) and like you I try my best to keep them respectful. Even when I want to cry from embarassment, people afterwards tend to come over, give the kids a pat or a hug, and tell me it is just fine.

The only thing I notice is a few people tend to be a bit “tut-tut” about allowing my small ones to bring quiet toys—what they don’t know is my kids each bring a toy they want to introduce to Jesus—we use the toys as early training for evangelization, I guess. It is so adorable to watch my 5-year-old quietly explain to his stuffed lamb that Jesus is the “Wamb of God, who takes away the sins of the wold—he’s a wamb like you, Wammie!”

My 8-year-old is coming up to sacrament age, though, so starting to wean him off bringing a companion so he can be more focussed on each part of the Mass.

In our parish there is no cry room. A good majority of the parishioners are retired. There are a total of 14 kids in the parish—and I have 6 of them. And many, many times, mine are the only ones there. My oldest is 14 and youngest is 2. I could tell you some absolute horror stories. I still get red in the face remembering one. But as I have aged and received more grace I realize that really, I am the person it bothers the most when my kids are a bit noisy—and like you said, Arwen, because I am worried about the effect on others. But really, I have noted that in parishes with few younger children, they are pretty tolerant of the noisy kids as a welcome noise that is not heard often. That is not to say they want you to just let your kids run wild. But if you are trying and they are just being normal (not necessarily screaming) then most people are tolerant. I know when other kids are a bit noisy, it just does not really bother me. And while I am not trying to presume about God’s means and intentions; perhaps He uses our somewhat noisy blessings in teaching others about really focusing on what is happening in the mass and on the fact that it happens regardless of the noises around us.

We used to tag team when the children were little.  Having three in four years was exhausting and we found it easier to split shift for some of those hard years.  My youngest child spent the least amount of time in church as a baby, toddler & preschooler.  Was she any worse for wear?  Not at all.  When the older children were at school during the day, we would go to Daily Mass together.  By then she was able to sit through the Mass quietly.  Now we go as a family as much as we can and it’s wonderful.

Arwen what a great and timely post for me!  My son is two and typically can be very good during Mass.  But we have good and bad days.  Sunday was ‘bad’ in a funny way..he did well up until the Consecration (which is always where his meltdown begins!) and I always try to keep him in the church as long as possible, whispering in his ear “Look, there’s Jesus….look at the big cup the priest is holding up, etc” and then he is screaming “I don’t wanna look at the cup!”  We have no cry room so we go to our vestibule which (thankfully) has doors but I will NOT let him run around and ‘enjoy’ himself back there so I spend the rest of Mass holding this huge wriggling two year old boy in my arms.  We finally go back to sit with my DH at the end of Mass and to receive an after Mass blessing of the throats in honor of St. Blaise (my own particular fav blessing b/c I am paranoid about DS choking) and there’s a LONG line and he starts screaming again SO LOUDLY.
Needless to say, we did not receive our throat blessing b/c we hightailed it out of there!  It would be easier to have childcare or a Children’s Liturgy but it is nice to have our two year old with us and the fact of the matter is, it makes us work more on his behavoir and his respect during Mass.  Our parish is child friendly but you know, when your child is being the distraction, you feel like he’s the only one (meanwhile my DH assured me there were several other toddlers acting up too).  We don’t allow food except a cup and no toys except some soft religious toys/books we bring so sometimes he just gets cranky.
I am however, not looking forward to Ash Wed. by myself with him at our day Mass.  <Sigh>  Good luck everyone!

I so remember those days!  I had my share of “looks” form others, but mostly I had smiles and support from those around us.  I sing and play guitar in our choir and my husband is a lector, and there were so many Masses when our ministry was just not going to happen.  But we did live throught it, and now that our kids are semi-grown, (15 through 24) all four of them continue to go to Mass.  They all know it is important, and they all invite their friends to come back to church, too.  So as hard as this time is, I think there is something to be said for the effort you are putting in when they are young.  My Mom use to say, “If a child never remembers NOT going to Mass, chances are he will continue to go.”  So hang in there and know that one day you will see the fruit that comes from your labor.

We are at a family-friendly parish as well, but I think people generally do understand and sympathize when kids are a bit disruptive.  Especially if a parish does not offer child care… what else are you supposed to do if you want to be at mass? 

@KarenC—I agree that it’s nice if parishes offer child care for toddlers and young pre-schoolers.  In high school I babysat in our church nursery and loved it.  I think the perfect set-up is a cry room that’s just for babies, child care for toddlers, and a children’s liturgy of the Word for preschoolers and early elementary kids.  I’ve found with my kids that once they’ve received First Communion (and while preparing for it), they’re really ready to sit through and participate in the entire mass. 

I do relate to what you write though, Arwen!  We’re past the wiggly baby/toddler stage, but my 3 yr old daughter has yet to master her “inside voice” and it can be embarrassing!

A book that really helped us with our children at mass is Parenting in the Pew: Guiding Your Children into the Joy of Worship by Robbie Castleman and Ruth Bell Graham. She’s not Catholic, but supports keeping children (over three, I think) with parents during the church service and gives concrete advice and examples on how to truly share the liturgy with our children. We have younger ones, of course, and our main goal there is to keep them from being too unruly. Until about 13 or 14 months, I plan on taking baby out of the sanctuary and just slip back in for communion. By 18 months we make a real effort to stop taking them out. We make a lot of use of the statues! (Where’s Mary? See her flowers? Where’s Jesus? Where’s Joseph?) The kids are engaged in their own way.

Aw. I love when people say things like that, because you know they are really saying: “It’s alright, I know what you’re going through”.  I used to feel sooooo self-conscious during Mass because I always thought my children were terrors.  However, now I’ve realized that when my four year old is sitting on the knneeler whispering quietly, that’s okay!  I try to concentrate on God and remember that Jesus DOES want the little children to come to Him.

I know its hard ladies and I now have the luxury of laughing from the choir loft when I see my nephew escape down the aisle at the sign of peace. But I will tell something gets ingrained in them when we just let Jesus soak them in grace and fill their earliest recollections with time together as a family at Mass. Ours are the children who keep coming in high school, who we keep bringing in their grouchy teen years because difficulties at Mass are nothing new. Ours keep going even when a college class (or 3) makes them question what they believe.

Sure keeping them home some years can work—God can and does do what it takes. But the baby sleeping in the presence of the Eucharist is blessed beyond imagining. So is the parent holding them.

beautifully written!  Dealing with little ones at Mass was getting easier for us for a while, but now I’m having a hard time again.  I start to feel sorry for myself- it has, afterall, been nearly 15 years since I attended a Sunday Mass without at least one toddler and/or preschooler in tow!  *whine*    Sometimes I really wish splitting up to keep the tinies at home were possible.  Our parish only has one weekend Mass, and not even a cry-room, so I can only assume Our Lord wants us to persevere.

With my daughters now 7 & 10, I am one of those Mom’s that offer a smile to families with antsy 5 and unders.  If the child is crying loudly, most parents get up and step outside until they’ve resolved whatever it is, but the general noises that come with shuffling, squirming, etc. isn’t really that bothersome.

My pastor from church (before I moved here) told us once that he always quietly prays “Bless the child and their family, Lord.”  when children are getting noisy during Mass.

I have to say that I DO think our toddler is getting something out of going to Mass every week.  We sit in the first pew and he waves to Father.  He blows kisses to Jesus in the Tabernacle.  He really does watch (not sure about “listens to” the) lector during the readings.  He smiles at the cantor who sits on the same side of the church as us.  And he sings the alleluia better than the altar servers, who don’t move their lips.  To our embarrassment, he even joins Father in the words of the Consecration!
I’m not boasting here, don’t get me wrong PLEASE.  I truly believe that taking our children to Mass every week and sitting up front is fruitful, despite the occasional tantrums and distractions.  I fear that if we didn’t start taking our children to Mass within weeks of birth - that I wouldn’t know when to begin?
We go to Mass as a family every week.  And I thank God that we live in a country where we CAN take our family to Mass.

They do grow fast!  My youngest is now five, my oldest is going to be 13.  Although when I spent the mass in the baby room and felt I was missing everything.  Only to be in the real chuch where I could hear the mass!  But now, Oh, to be back in the baby room would be such a blessing!  When attending adoration a few weeks ago, there was a mom who brought her 5 children and the littlest ones were all over the place, and she was so deep in prayer.  It hit me then, this grace is not just for me, but for my children as well.  So, the first opportunity I had, I brought my 10 year old son.  Wow, he loved it and asked when he could go again.  Jesus told us “let the children come to me.”  Our kids are obsorbing more than we think, and we are also gaining much in the spirit of sacrifice.

Arwen, this was a beautiful “share”... thank you!

I can’t say anything about other parishes but I’m fairly sure that I know why our parish doesn’t offer babysitting services… those who might like the service aren’t ready to volunteer to run it and those who’d be ready to run such a survice are already too busy to think of it. 

I’ve been a volunteer (music and children’s liturgy) long enough to know that there’s normally less then a handful of people who are willing to run the various ministries let alone start a new one.  (These people are normally doing at least twice as much as I would consider possible and are already verging on being overwhelmed - )

Then there are the people who will volunteer to help out but would never dream of actually trying to start a new ministry (this is where I fit in).  I know that I’d not be able to put in the   time to recruit and organize volunteers nor be able to do the last minute filling in of slots when a volunteer can’t make it.

Arwen, I have had this same experience (and not just at Mass)—sure that my kids, much as I love them, are driving other (older, single, etc.) people crazy and misinterpreting their looks as ones of disapproval.  Then, a kind comment like the one you heard at Mass (“You have beautiful children!”) just fills me with gratitude. 

The one thing I have tried to do as a result of having been in this situation is to be very sensitive to parents with small children on those occasions when I am by myself or out with my husband without our children (not like that’s very often!).  I try to make an effort to make sure parents of young children know that the presence of their children is appreciated and welcomed, wherever they are—I know how much this means to me when I’m on the receiving end of such kindness.

Boy can we relate to this!  My husband and I have six children between the ages of 8 months and 11 yrs and every Sunday, we bravely set out on the adventure of going to mass!  We really stand out at our parish and while I don’t want to be a disruption to those around us, I’m not a big fan of the cry room.  Amidst our delicate balance of piety, participation and a three ring circus, I am blown away by the supportive comments and affirmation we get from those around us and I know that it’s God’s design that is so beautiful and striking to people.  It helps to have cute kids and a warm smile!  But this I know, we parents who have to constantly stand in the back of Church during mass get very special graces.  My Granny said so…..she had 10!

This is something I often contemplate during/after the mass, as I too have a baby and a toddler. My husband is rarely home to attend mass, so it’s most often just the girls and I. I used to stress a lot more about my toddler’s behaviour than I do now, as I’ve come to see that the run-about days of fifteen months pass, and your two and a half year old may be able to sit through most of the mass. I do bring a ‘treat’ of food, like a cheese stick, most often because, despite having had breakfast, my toddler and baby can get hungry, and I don’t think having them starving helps their concentration or behaviour! I don’t usually bring toys, as I found they were mostly discarded.

I’ll admit it, my two do walk around the pews, sit in the arc of the stained glass window, pat other children’s heads, and play with their toys. But I think it’s fine. In fact, it’s beautiful. The church is a place they feel at home in. My toddler waves Hello to Jesus, sure sometimes she yells out, “No more Jesus! I want to go home!” But I attend for God, and God alone.

God understands how antsy toddlers and babies can be. He designed them! And he wants everyone to feel welcome in the church… everyone from babies, to toddlers, to the disabled, to the elderly. A young child may be unable to sit still or concentrate for very long, but so are some of the disabled people in our society, and God would shun nobody. I quietly follow my children if they are getting in the way, but my main aim is to be there for God, concentrate as much as I can on the mass, keep my children as quiet as possible for other people (so, better for them to be toddling up and down the aisle, than to be screaming, in my opinion!) and also make the mass experience something my children enjoy.

I remember something Kimberley Hahn once said about children at mass. We want it to be a place they WANT to be, where they feel loved, not scolded. It is a struggle for me to get to mass with my two little ones 20 months apart on my own. But when my first baby used to touch a statue of Jesus on the feet and say “sore”, and kiss his feet, it brought tears to my eyes. When this same toddler stops at the statue of Mary and whispers to me that she wants to say the “Hail Mawy” prayer, I am humbled. This is what makes me know it’s worth the struggle. And as a saintly friend of mine once said, it is all the more meritorious to attend mass when it is difficult by circumstance to be there. God loves it all the more that you’re there, because the cost is not small.

And mostly, I get smiles from the people around me, and comments on my girls, and how hard it must be to get there… people remember! If there have been any disapproving looks, I’ve been too busy to notice!