People Are Nicer Than You Think
Posted by Danielle Bean in Just me on Wednesday, December 01, 2010 10:00 AM
I had the enlightening experience once of having a surprise “in-real-life” social meeting with someone (I will call her Jane) whom I had previously known only online.
Before our in-real-life meeting, I did not like Jane. Actually, I might very well have liked her, except for the fact that Jane did not like me. At least I thought she didn’t.
You know how you can get a bad “vibe” sometimes from reading a person’s words when you don’t have the benefit of hearing her voice and tone? Well, Jane had written a few different blog posts about me, commenting on some things I had written and looking more deeply at some topics I had written about. To me, her tone sounded heavy. Her nitpicking and excessive (I thought) criticism made me wonder about her motivations. Was she just disagreeing or did she dislike me and feel a need to “bring me down” personally?
I do not get upset every time a person disagrees with me. In fact, I have learned a great deal through online interactions with many people who disagree with me, but Jane’s word choice and tone felt personal and unkind. It only got worse when she emailed me to further explore some of the topics we disagreed about, I emailed back, and she published a follow-up blog post picking apart what she did not like in my email.
What a jerk, right? Wrong.
When I met Jane in person, she was absolutely lovely. She was energetic and fun. She was smart and funny. She was utterly charming. I liked Jane. A lot. And her friendliness made clear that she liked me too. So imagine my surprise when she told me the name she uses online and mentioned her blog’s url.
Ugh. It had been months, but my mind very quickly put it all together. I remembered the blog posts, the emails, and my feelings of hurt, anger, and confusion. My heart sank.
As we continued to talk, though, I realized that many of Jane’s personality traits that were easy to recognize as strengths in real life were also easy to misread as unkind or hostile in written communication. She spoke clearly and forcefully. She was an intelligent professional who did not hesitate to share her opinion on anything from U.S. immigration policy to the best place to shop for organic yogurt. The world was entitled to her opinion and she was going to give it. I like that in a woman, especially one whose opinions I share about 99% of the time.
In our real-life conversation, I readily recognized the kind of person Jane is, the way that she thinks and communicates, and the fact that there was nothing at all personal about our previous disagreements. She was just expressing herself and thinking things through in a way that came naturally to her, and I was just … completely misreading her tone and intent.
Who was the jerk now?
I am so grateful to have had this experience with Jane because it taught me a valuable lesson and, in the time since our meeting, it has helped me through some unpleasant interactions with others. Now when I feel myself bristling with defensiveness as I read another person’s words online, I am better able to pause.
I take a deep breath and imagine Jane saying those words in real life, with feeling and conviction. Because that’s just the way she is. And then I feel myself letting go and moving on. Because that’s just the way I am. Or at least how I’m trying to be.
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