I’m interested in answers on this, too. My son is 6 and big for his age. He still can’t seem to handle roughness from other kids. Yesterday a (probably) 3 year old hit him a few times in the stomach. (I didn’t see it myself, so I don’t know if it was vicious or just playing.) My son just leaned against a wall and cried. More than once. I find it hard to believe the little one actually hurt him and I certainly don’t want to teach my son to push younger kids around, but certainly there should be something I can tell him besides, “Stop crying; it couldn’t have hurt that much.” My husband later said he should have come to tell a grown-up, but he did tell me and I didn’t really do anything about it. (I comforted him and told him he was ok.) We were at church and I didn’t feel comfortable approaching the boy’s mother and saying, Your little three year old hurt my huge six year old.

I forgot to sign up for the email of follow-up comments.

I think the approach to these types of situations depends on the kid. Most of my kids are pretty stubborn and naturally resistant and likely to stand up for themselves. If other kids bother them, I tell them to stand their ground without direct hitting. If things get heated, they are to come tell me. I’ll tell the other kids to wait their turn, stop hitting, etc. If the incident is already over, like a hit or kick, I tell my children that what the other child did was wrong and that we need to forgive them. If they struggle with forgiving, I’ll sometimes remind them of a time when they were the offender and how they liked to be forgiven.

I have one little girl who is more passive and is likely to get a little bullied. I coach her to fight back sometimes (by this I don’t mean hitting or kicking, but if someone is pushing her out of line or off a toy, I tell her to push back and stand her ground). I don’t want her to be walked over her entire life, and she needs a little backbone. Also, I encourage her older brother to help watch out and protect her from older kids.

My kids are still young so I don’t know how my approach will work out, but that’s my two cents.

If my children are being bullied at the park, I will politely say loud and clear for all to hear:  “Don’t push. That is not kind.”  I have rarely had to do that, because usually parents are very observant of their own children and require that the children are polite. However, once in a blue moon…there are crazy children who are just everywhere and not paying attention to the littler ones.  If my comment doesn’t fix the situation, we usually don’t stick around much longer.

My now 6-yr-old was (and still is) a very sweet and thoughtful child.  He was pushed around a lot as a toddler and would never hit back (just as we taught him).  We taught him to verbally stand up for himself and then come get us (or a teacher) if the words didn’t work.  We practiced being assertive and using a polite, but forceful tone of voice.  It took awhile, but he got very good at it and it usually worked.  Our toddler has grown up into a little boy that has a strong sense of justice and is very respected by his peers.  Now we’re working on the same issue with our 3-yr-old sweet son and trying to stop bullying behavior in our nearly 2-yr-old daughter. 

I used to be hesitant to correct other people’s children, but over and over I have found it necessary.  I react similarly to the above poster who will say something like “Don’t push, that is not nice”.  If that does not work we move to other equipment and avoid the problem child.  One thing I have found completely ineffective, however, is trying to speak to said child’s parents.  They either get defensive or offensive.  :?  None of my kids have had a problem defending themselves, so I try to balance their reaction with encouragment to remember Jesus’ words to turn the other cheek and pray for those who hurt us.  I hope these situations can turn into learning experiences both for my child(ren) and those causing the problem.

As a parent, your child will look to you to see how to interpret events that occur outside in the world.  It is your duty as a parent to protect your child.  I have no problem correcting another child if that child is hurting mine or putting my child in danger.  You don’t have to give the offending child a big lecture or anything other than “Don’t push” or “Wait your turn!”.  I understand playground politics can be a minefield, especially for first time parents.  But I’ve found that speaking clearly and directly to the child is much more effective than ignoring the problem, or appealling to the child’s parent or caregiver.

The right thing to do (imho) is for Dad to step in. He serves as a role model that shows that it is right to stand up for others and so your child feels protected. Its also just appropriate given the kid’s age. Then explain to the child what was right in the situation and how their behavior was wrong. On his own the child should be advised that the trike / slide / toy is just material. That it might make him feel angry or sad but that those who are last will be first (but in kid friendly terms lol). Tell him its just “stuff” and that 1) its not worth being beaten up over. 2) God is watching and even though it isn’t “fair” its ok. And maybe too 3) Have the boy pray for the boys later on to make them nicer and more patient.

Now if the situation were that a smaller child, friend, sister etc was being bullied—tell him that if he can’t get an adult that it is perfectly correct to stand up for that person. Tell him its best to avoid confrontation but that if the situation is where he can’t then to stand his ground in defense of the weak (or even if it is a precious favorite possession that could get broken).

But me, I would have knocked the bullies over myself. lol.

Would you consider the divide-and-conquer method?  You and your husband could go to Mass separately while one of you stays home with your daughter.  Things change quickly with 3-year-olds—in a few months she might be able to make it through without causing any disruption.  Right now it sounds like all of you could use a breather.

Oops! I left out that I am tackling this one alone. My husband serves in the mass and is occupied before and after. That is something that I am at peace with and supportive of - and it won’t be changing any time soon. This mass was not at our usual parish and husband was not there either. Typically, I take advantage of our church’s provided childcare but lately I am feeling called to bring my daughter into mass regularly (which I don’t do - precisely because of our recent experiences). In this season of parenthood, I realize I may not be able to ‘soak it all in’, but I am craving the ability to at least make it through the hour with her.

I second the divide and conquer approach. If your DH serves at one Mass, you go to another and leave DD at home. I came to this after many experiences like the one you talked about. I brought it up at a Mom’s Faith Formation meeting and was told by another mom that 4 years old is the age for regular Mass attendance in her family. This was a mom of MANY more than I (at 4 at the time), who homeschooled to great success, was active in our Church, who’s husband was a fabulous cantor and who had boys serving at the Altar. In my mind, she was a “Rock Star” Catholic mom. And hearing that in some cases, it was better to leave the little guys behind, was a life changing experience for me.
I take infants along until they begin to be disruptive (at about 18 months) About 2 months b/f the 4th birthday we talk about how only big kids go to Church. By the 4th birthday when we all attend Mass as a family (no matter what day of the week it is), they are dying to go.
I know others will disagree, but this has been a wonderful strategy for our family, and has allowed me to spend quality Mass time with the older children rather than spending the time quieting a baby.

I’m very curious about leaving kids home from Mass. Has anyone asked a priest if that’s okay? At our Baptism class, the priest was adamant that if we had our son baptized, we were agreeing to take him to Mass every single Sunday and Holy Day. It seemed a bit extreme to me—surely there are times when it’s better for all concerned for a sick or tantrummy child to be home instead of at Mass.

My mom’s philosophy is that if you don’t take your children to Mass, they don’t learn how to behave at Mass. It seems strange to expect a four-year-old to sit still and quiet for an hour without any preparation and without knowing what’s going on. Of course, there are probably lots of ways to prepare a child and teach them about Mass before starting to take them.

Another thing that my parents stressed was that Mass is a family activity. We all go at the same time, every week. I’m a pretty disorganized person, and I can imagine a situation where one child might not get to Mass for several weeks because no one would be sure which Mass he was going to.

I don’t have any solutions for keeping toddlers quiet and respectful, and this divide and conquer method is very tempting. How do you handle teaching little ones about Mass to prepare them to attend? Do you miss going to Mass with your husband? Any other thoughts? Please persuade me! Our 20-month-old is getting to be quite a handful at church.

I can’t quite imagine not going to church as a family.  It is a “tradition” that I hope my girls (3 & 2) will have fond memories of.  We always go at the same time (10:30am) every Sunday, have a big brunch afterwards.  I had previously been switching it around (sat evening, 8:30am) to what fit into our schedule, but I found that they didn’t have the “excitement” of going to mass if we did this and to be honest, during those times, I probably felt more like a chore to me as well and they pick up on that.

We really struggled when our youngest was 11-12 mos, we would bring things to keep them occupied, and to no avail, they would always want what the other one had.  Therefore we implemented “bring nothing into church.”  We have a small snack and drink on the way to church (we live about 15 min away), and we don’t bring anything in at all.  Initially this was hard and with a 15 mo. old is really hard, but if she would fuss, or whine, we would walk her to the back of church, hold her while back there (for about 3-5 min) and walk right back in.  No getting down and playing, because then they want to go to the back.  It does take time for them to understand that this is what we do.  I completely understand why your daughter would not like it, but I think that with just about anything else in parenting, you have to be consistent in order to form good habits.

There are still difficult days, but they are 2 & 3. 

One other thing I have found helpful is the way that my husband and talk about church.  We GET to go to church today (not have to).  They think it is fun privledge.  When we started working on this, we would have special church dresses and church shoes for them, but now that is no longer necessary.

I attend Mass by myself with my 3 year old daughter (my husband isn’t Catholic).  We seemed to be having more difficulty and “wrestling matches” about a year ago, and I came across this post on church shoes: http://catholic-mom.blogspot.com/2007/01/legacy-of-church-shoes.html  My daughter now wears her special church dress, church shoes, a bracelet, and a Miraculous Medal that we got in the mail as a freebie.  I think this helped her associate church with something very important.

Here’s another post with a lot of helpful pointers http://firstheralds.blogspot.com/2009/06/20-things-you-can-do-to-help-your.html and check out the comments of this post as well http://www.conversiondiary.com/2009/02/getting-kids-to-behave-in-church.html  (actually, I think the conversion diary post is how I found the church shoes post.)

When I implemented this “operation-behave-at-Mass” I tried to kind of blitz her by dressing her up in her church clothes and jewelry, all the while explaining how we’re going to church, and so you get to wear your church dress and shoes and Mary necklace (etc.) and that means you have to behave - that means you need to sit quietly, and use whispers when you talk (etc.)  I also picked up some prayer and saint cards and punched holes in corners and put them on a key ring for her to look at.  Since then, I’ve added a wooden children’s rosary, and a couple of children’s religous books (and some secular toys, I admit).  It also helps to sit near people that she can imitate - older kids that behave, or adults that she likes.

By doing some work on the front end, I have found that it paid in huge blessings later.  I hope you have the same success!

Re: dividing and conquering.  There are times when you have to bend a little or else you will break.  We went through some periods when the children were very small that we couldn’t attend Mass as a family.  We also had one child in particular who was very active and loud, despite our best intentions and efforts in keeping the child quiet and attentive.  Now that the children are older, we have to divide and conquer due to sports schedules which sometimes interfere with Sunday Mass.

PS - I’ve found consecration to be the most difficult time for her to be quiet, so I try to whisper explanations of what’s going on - Father is washing away his sins and is all clean and shiny, that bread is now Jesus’s body!, here come all the saints and angels and Mary - they’re here with us now! (luckily we still use bells in our diocese), and during the time of peace, I hold her and put her hand out to shake.  Anything I can do to help her figure out what’s going on and feel a part of things - without disrupting others - I try to do.

to Anne in NYC,
thank for your concern, but our parish priest actually recommends not bringing toddlers to Mass. He feels it is better to spend the time explaining the proceedings to older children. As I mentioned, babies come along until they can’t sit still, so it is really only 1 year - 18 months w/out them. By the time they are 4 they are really ready! They do attend Daily Mass with me often (much shorter and less stress on being quiet since it is so sparsley attended, and other Masses I can’t avoid taking them to - special school events, etc. But they have all behaved quite well when that 4th birthday rolled around, and I was able to explain to them what was going on. Yes I miss my husband, but we feel we are doing our best to raise our children in the Faith and will sacrifice a few years of going seperately to give them all the best formation we can.

It is the tradition of the Eastern (Byzantine) Catholic Churches that children receive all the Mysteries of Illumination (Sacraments of Initiation) at birth: Baptism, Chrismation (Confirmation) & Holy Eucharist.  Since we began regularly attending such a parish about 4 years ago (& our children all having received these Sacraments), we have had much less issue with little ones being distracted during the service (still, it does happen!).  Perhaps it is all the incense & icons?  Perhaps it is the beautiful chanting that is part of the Divine Liturgy?  Perhaps it is watching the splendidly vested priest & altar servers processing with candles, ripidions or the processional Cross?  Perhaps it is processing up ourselves to kiss the Cross, venerate an icon, be blessed with holy oil or the frequent bowing & making of the Sign of the Cross?  I like to think that it is the Holy Spirit at work in the children…ages 21 months to 14 years…who know that they are in the Presence of the Lord & that each of them will soon be receiving him in Holy Communion.  :o)
It is heartening to read what everyone has written here & how much they desire to feel close to Jesus at Mass & how very much they desire the same for their children!  God bless you all!

Patricia, I just have to tell you this… Normally our 4 children (ages 1 - 8) are not very well behaved in Mass, and it is a huge struggle.  However, we recently attended a Byzantine Liturgy, over an hour and a half long, and there we were, front and center, and in the evening, no less.  I have no explanation for this, but our children behaved PERFECTLY - they were angelic!  I think they were just captivated!

Heidi,
Thanks for sharing your family’s experience at the Divine Liturgy!  It has been a tremendous blessing for our entire family to (as Pope John Paul II of blessed memory said) “breathe with both lungs, East (Byzantine Rite) & West (Roman Rite)”!!  (I was raised Roman Catholic, my husband is a convert, & our family is awaiting a transfer of ritual to the Byzantine Catholic Church)  Since joining our parish 4 years ago & having all the children receive the Mysteries if Illumination, we have all grown in our Faith & our love for the Lord & the Theotokos (His Blessed Mother).  We are so grateful.  I hope your family will return again to experience the Divine Liturgy.  It is a beautiful & ancient prayer.  Sounds like the Holy Spirit was at work in your little ones…at the very least, their guardian angels were nudging them to be attentive!  ;o)

We are currently preparing our fourth child for First Communion, and we’ve had to do the CCD thing at three different parishes.  I’ve always felt the same as you- that it was a huge waste of our time and energy.  This year, however, I decided to comply as happily as I can simply out of obedience.  I’m assuming that your son will not be taught anything contrary to the faith, just that he isn’t really learning anything at all.  I would also guess that perhaps your son enjoys meeting the other children in his parish family.  If that’s the case, an attempt to adjust your attitude might be in order.  Continue teaching him at home, but also allow him to attend as he is required.  *However* if the class is confusing him, upsetting him, or teaching him any untruths, then I would say you are obligated as his primary educator to speak to the teacher of the class, the DRE (or whoever is in charge at your parish) as well as your parish priest.  HTH, I offer a prayer to Our Blessed Mother for your son and all children preparing to receive our Eucharistic Lord for the first time. 

Man this is a HUGE topic.  This one has been tossed around our Mom’s meetings at our homeschool group for years.  I was lucky with my older two children because my older kids and I converted so we got a special teacher to teach those two and one other child that was converting too.  I know that other mom’s in my group went to dicuss this with the priest at the time and took the books that they were using as well as the knowledge that if the priest wanted to question thier children that they would have no problem doing so.  The priest got very angry and thought that because we homeschool that they wanted special rights.  I am afraid that this episode ended ugly.  However, just because this happened to us does not mean you will have the same thing happen to you.  I think the misunderstanding happened because there still is not much known about homeschooling in the general public.  Try to be open and honest with the priest and see what happens.  I will have to do the same thing in a year or two when my little ones get to the age of reason.  I will keep you in my prayers.

I know I’ve posted this recommendation a few times before on Faith & Family when the question has arisen…but here it is again…Catholic Canon Law supports the RIGHT & DUTY of the parents in being the primary educator of their children, especially in regards to teaching the Faith.  Neither the parish, the priest, nor the DRE can mandate that your child must attend classes at the parish—& they may not rightfully deny your child the Sacraments if you choose to provide sacramental preparation exclusively at home.  Yes, I do recommend speaking with your priest & the DRE about the matter—some may be respectful, some may be intimidating, some may not know what to do if they have never before encountered parents who wish to prepare their children for the Sacraments. 
I recommend these 2 booklets (both available from Seton Educational Media):
(1) Home Schooling and the New Code of Canon Law by Edward n. Peters (Christendom College Press)
(2) Responsibilities and Rights of Parents in Religious Education by the Catholic Home School Network of America

I have to agree with Jennifer in MI. The reason dioceses and parishes have these requirements is to ensure a minimum level of understanding before admitting children to the Sacraments. The catechesis you are giving your son at home is probably far superior to what is being offered in the class. But as long as the class is not teaching error, it is probably best not to ask for special treatment. Additionally, think how much your son can help the other children understand the great gift they are about to receive. I especially recommend this route if there are only a few classes he has to attend. If it’s a whole year of twice-per-week instruction, then it would be worth considering talking to your pastor. But if it’s just a few meetings and they are not teaching error, humble obedience is probably the best route.

I hate to be a naysayer - but I’d just go along with it.  From my experience it’s virtually impossible to change the mind of the DRE & pastor.  You think you’re frustrated now . . . the only other way I’d work to change it is if you can gather a group of like minded parents and go to the pastor.  There’s strength in numbers.

We had the same issue when my dd was making her 1st communion.  Except, she had to go weekly. (even though she was homeschooled.)  It was a drag.

Our eldest (now 14) attended a mediocre religious education class at our former parish because we believed he had to in order to receive his 1st Holy Eucharist.  We’ve done all our children’s sacramental preparation at home since then.  We’ve been fortunate that the various priests we’ve encountered have been respectful of our decision (can’t say all DREs have felt the same).  Our concerns in the past were classes that were fluff versus substance.  Although we felt the children received solid Faith formation at home, we wondered about the appropriateness of our children being in a class where those in a position of representing the Church (as a DRE or religious ed. teacher) were presenting a watered-down (or Protestantized) version of the Faith.  A second, more worrisome concern, was religious ed. teachers who personally disagreed with certain Church doctrines/teachings & openly dissented in class with their opinions. 
For us, we feel that our humble obedience is first to the Lord, who gave us these children’s souls to tend…with the support of our priests, parish & fellow Catholics.  It really has nothing to do with asking for special treatment or rights.  I’d think that most priests would appreciate that you take your child’s spiritual formation so seriously.

Thanks for all of the thoughts and ideas…I really like our new priest…so, with that in mind, I probably will just hang in there.  It is *LENT* after all, isn’t it?

(My word in the verification box is “trouble”—-maybe my Guardian Angel is trying to tell me what I should avoid??)  Grin…

Hi Patricia,

Thank you for re-submitting this information.  I wish I had those materials in hand!

Something else I would love to say—-I am always appreciative of all those people who respond more than once to the same subjects, so that I can get great info when I need it!
I know you all must be terribly busy, and even though you don’t know me, I still feel a sense of belonging and warmth, and sometimes, a finger shaking at me to encourage me to do the “right” thing.
I haven’t figured out how to search the archives—-and even when I do—-I don’t know I will have the time to read through everything!

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read and respond—-I really appreciate having a place to go to ask these questions!

God bless you all!

Patricia,
I’d do the same thing if my child’s CCD teacher were teaching error or spouting her “personal beliefs” contrary to Church teaching. Our ds is not yet 2, so we haven’t encountered it with him, but I faced it growing up. I was required to attend a “retreat” for confirmation, but it was literally just coloring and singing Kumbaya. There was no error, so I went, but it was a waste of time. Our duty, as you say, is to the Lord first, and we have to do everything we can to preserve our children from error. That said, if the classes are fine but not great and it’s just redundant for the child (as opposed to being harmful), asking to skip them does seem like asking for special treatment. It all depends on what’s going on in the class. Here’s praying that Catholic education will be truly reformed! God bless.

As a home schooling parent, I can totally relate to your questions and concerns.  There were lots of wonderful suggestions here, and I agree with all of them.  I’m going to offer a different view point here:

If you can’t “get out of class”, consider the impact your child will have as a witness to his/her fellow students.

This is my 3rd year as a catechist (one year with First Holy Communion class, and the past 2 have been with the 3rd graders). 

I can tell you that as a catechist, there are joys to teaching when there are home schooled students in the class.  Last year I had about 3 home schooled students, including my oldest child, and this year I have about 4 or 5 in my class.  There is one in particular who always seems to have the answer when the rest of the class doesn’t (yes, it’s the home schooled child/ren).  My class today was a perfect example:  She was one of only two students in a class of about 20 who knew the name our current pope.  She was the only student who could name the Bishop of our diocese.  She was the only student who could tell me a few things about St. Patrick (that after being captured and made a slave he was responsible for watching sheep), and she was the only kid in class who could answer that it was St. Faustina who Jesus gave the Divine Mercy prayer to. 

Kids like these not only witness to the other students in class, but they also have a profound effect on the teacher/catechist.  This quiet, meek girl has the most beautiful soul of any student I have ever had.  There are a few perks to being a catechist, but I can tell you with certainty that the biggest benefit to me is having this beautiful, well-catechized 3rd grader in class every week! 

Even at my parish it is required that students attend class the year before and during a sacrament year.  Many home school mothers offer to teach the class and at my church there is free tuition for all your children if you do.  I see these other mothers at Mass, in the Adoration Chapel, and at morning or evening reflections.  I know my kids are in the best hands when they are in one of their CCD classes.

Just a quick thought -with the perspective of a DRE and catechist.  I agree with those who suggest joining the few family sessions that are asked of you.  It is a sacrament of initiation into the parish community.
Not all children have the privilege of having parents who are as diligent as you in raising them in the faith, and as some have said, some of that interest in the faith might just rub off!
A final thought to those who feel the sessions are not worthwhile; perhaps offering to help teach the sessions could help all the children benefit from your formation.

God Bless You and your 3 little ones! I know it is hard now, but ‘this too shall pass’. Daily mass may not be a realistic option for you right now (all things in God’s good time   ) except by watching on EWTN. However, you need to be able to attend Mass at least once a week (Sunday!) without feeling like you want to strangle your kids on the way to the car (I’m only saying this because I’‘ve been in similar shoes as yours). Maybe you could find a babysitter for the 4 and 2 year old and go to a Saturday night vigil mass with just the infant. Or, maybe you could spot another mom in your parish with a similar aged group of kids and offer to swap babysitting (like, I’ll watch your two little ones while you go to mass and you watch my two while I go). I assume you have no family nearby, but if you do ASK them for help (even if it’s a second cousin ). Also, some parishes have mother’s groups. Find out from your pastor if your parish has one. Just being in contact with other faith filled moms will give you a lot of the courage you need to live out this stage of your vocation. Hmmm….Well that’s all I can think of for now except OF COURSE, keep your eyes on the crucifix and send up your sighs to Mother Mary! God Bless, April

God Bless you - I know the kind of days you are talkng about. My husband is not serving our country like your husband (God Bless him too), but was away most of last year and I have 4 little ones. I second the recommendation - get help, from anywhere! Talk to people in the parish find a mom’s group, get some help. I got so bad last year that the DRE actually approved service hours for the confirmation class to help me with babysitting/packing when I had to move without any help. Help is probably out there if you ask around, you might be surprised. I will offer prayers for you tonight that you are able to find some peace and refreshment in the Sacraments.

Have you looked for a parish that had a cry room?  I found a cry room very helpful when I was alone when my kids were really little.  I used to go to a different parish during the week to attend Mass where there was a cry room.  Another help is to consider finding a parish that has a nursery.  If I’m by myself I leave the 13 month old & 3 year old in the nursery and take the big kids with me . . . .

Also, this may not be the season to go to MAss during the week.  Sunday Mass may be all you can handle - which is okay too.

We go to Our Lady of Guadalupe at 10 am - we would be happy to watch them if you attend the Trinitine Mass in the evenings or to take one with us .... Please let us help.

Just want you to know, I have the same problem with whining with my 2.5 y/o son and feeling exasperated with it.  You are in my prayers.