Raising Kids, Cleaning House
Posted by Mary Alice Teti in Homemaking on Friday, June 04, 2010 6:00 AM
When I was a young mother, I had a neighbor who was a Montessori school director. I had a toddler who was beginning the “terrible twos” as well as a new baby, and I was at my wits end.
She taught me to help my two year old’s attitude by teaching him to do things himself and allowing him to participate in the real work of the household. He and I began to bake together while the baby napped each afternoon. We made banana breads and cookies, and he was so happy to stand at the step stool, measuring and pouring flour, watching the mixer whirl, and tasting the batter.
We didn’t need cookies every day, but it was keeping him entertained, which was all I really wanted at the time, and he was learning to count, which was a bonus. Several years later, when I began to educate my children at home, I continued to incorporate Montessori “practical life” activities—teaching them to wash the counters, set the tables, and pair socks.
Once again, I thought of this work as “educational” in that the children were learning cause and effect, sequencing, and patience.They were practicing the focus they would need to apply to academic work later.
In Training
A few years passed and my oldest four children did eventually transition into more traditional academic school work. As a nod to our Montessori past, though, I continued to have “Training Tuesdays” during which I taught them the basic skills needed to bake, so that by last Christmas each child, aged 8-5, had a signature cookie he or she could make from scratch without help. Like most parents, I also cajoled them to make beds, clean their rooms or set the table from time to time, though often it seemed like it was easier to just do it myself.
Then, last summer, we had a college-aged houseguest who was polite and helpful, tidy and responsible—just the sort of total stranger you would be happy to invite to stay all summer. I thought about myself at age nineteen (nothing like that), and decided that I needed to lean a bit harder on my children about chores. After all, I had read that children who were required to do chores did grow up to be more responsible and to have higher self esteem. Plus, they really needed to learn to keep house for themselves someday.
In the first few weeks, teaching them to do the dishes and sweep the floor added almost an hour to our meal routine. It was exhausting. But it was summer, so we had the time, and I kept trying to remind myself that this was important to their characters. What I failed to realize, and have only come to understand this week—a full year later—was that while I was busy trying to develop future productive citizens, I was changing the entire dynamic of my family life.
Long Term Pay Off
These days, while I bathe the youngest children, the older four clear the table, load the dishwasher, empty the trashcans and gather the laundry. This allows me to enjoy putting the babies to bed, have some quality time with them, and then sit down with the older ones for a longer story time without stressing about the mess around me. There will be laundry, sweeping up, and plenty still for me to do after the children are in bed, but at least I know that we are on our way, and food is not getting crusty on dishes.
One recent morning, while I was mowing the lawn, my seven year old daughter asked if she could try the mower. She found that it was easy and fun to walk it back and forth across the level parts of our yard. She needed me nearby to supervise and restart the mower from time to time, so I picked up a little trowel and started weeding a flower bed. The two older boys joined me, pretending to plant potatoes, and another daughter played on a tricycle with the toddler in the driveway.
In a very short time, the lawn was mowed and the flowerbed was neatened. Two jobs that I dread had been completed in the time that it would have taken me to do one. It was then that I finally understood that homemaking and housekeeping are not me vs. them in some sort of chore battle. We are all in this together, and if we make good use of our many hands we can have a much nicer life – more beauty in our well maintained home, and more time to spend in other activities later.
Many Hands, Many Blessings
As it turns out, my children’s chores are not just building character; they are really contributing to the function of our household. For example, this afternoon when we finished schoolwork, I noticed that the playroom was littered with toys as we were planning to leave for an art class. I put on some fun music, set the timer for five minutes and we all worked together. What had looked like a huge task was easily accomplished—when all 8 of us work together, we can do 40 minutes of work in just five!
As I reflect on this feeling of unity that has grown between us as we work around the house, I wonder if this might be the root of the “good citizen” who had to do chores as a child—a firm understanding that we are all in this together, and that if we look around and see a big mess, the best thing we can do is roll up our sleeves and do what we can to help.
The world needs more people like that. And if I get freshly baked cookies in the process, I’d say it’s a win-win.
—Mary Alice Teti graduated from Princeton University in 2000. Since leaving the dorms, she has married, moved six times and had six children. She is currently living in Lawrenceville, New Jersey, and hopes to stay put long enough to hang some curtains. She writes for the group blog Building Cathedrals.
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