When I was pg very unexpectedly a few years ago, we were financially in a major bind (it’s MUCH worse now, oddly enough) and my dh was less than thrilled when I told him that I was pg.  I had suffered a miscarriage a few years prior & ached for another baby but also knew what that meant as I was “older” (nearly 40) and we were already struggling money-wise,too.  But, God in His wisdom, granted this mother’s heart a wish for another baby.  Not only another baby but our first (and only) baby girl after 3 boys & 2 miscarriages (one was twins).  However, stress was SO great in our home, family, wallets (no med ins either…talk about STRESS) that on occasion I would think, “Wow, this is how women feel when they think they have NO WAY out.”  I never considered abortion & never would but I did feel compassion for the desparation that a women, teen, girl might feel and it was very sobering indeed.

Very well said - about meeting women’s needs in an “over-the-top” fashion.  When I was a senior in college I was that girl who became pregnant. I was even a member of the Right to Life group on campus - yet for a brief moment I, too, thought about abortion.
I was terrified and confused.  I had little support.  My family was horrified; my friends walked away.  I got no assistance - emotional or otherwise - from anyone on my Catholic campus - not even the pro-life group.
Mostly I was ignored.  I was a sign of what would happen to my peers if they “got caught,” as they were all living the way I was.
I count the grace of my Catholic upbringing, and a solid conviction that I must do the right thing, for giving me the strength to have my baby.
Now I am committed to to giving everyone I meet a reason to want to bring life into the world, whatever their circumstances.  I know what it is like to be that scared woman who doesn’t know how in the world she will survive.

I think part of the reason I have strong pro-life convictions is exactly because I can see the temptation of abortion, especially in particularly difficult circumstances.

If, God forbid, I was raped and got pregnant, wouldn’t it be easier to get an abortion? Easier than having that trauma be public? Than having to talk to my parents, to my dad - who leaves the room if I mention shaving my legs or deoderant to my sister - about having been raped? Easier than someday having to explain to my child where he or she came from?

I’m familiar with the argument that abortion is never an easy choice, etc. - but I believe that in some cases, it’s certainly the easy way out.

If I, as someone who believes very strongly that abortion is always wrong, can see and understand how tempting it could be, I can only imagine how it would seem like the best or only - certainly easiest - option to someone who’s convictions aren’t as strong. And that’s why abortion has to be as difficult to access as possible - so it isn’t easy anymore.

Temptation is very different from sin.  We might fleetingly be tempted to do many things that are wrong. It’s what we do or do not do in the end that matters.

Palin ‘fesses up to being tempted to do others consider scandalous? That sounds about right. Every Christian must engage in spiritual battle. Often, the first skirmish is in the mind and then in the will.

I am the mother of a child on the autism spectrum who is developmentally delayed. When Palin was running as vice-president I read an interview with her somewhere where she had said she was thankful for prenatal testing and could not imagine how parents would suffer without it and without knowing their child may have a genetic problem. This idea made my heart ache.

My husband refused to even discuss prenatal testing when we found we were pregnant with our first child, our daughter who is our child on the ASD spectrum. When the high-risk doctor (I have a potentially fatal blood clotting disorder) questioned him on it, he said, “It doesn’t matter, it’s our child. Knowing he or she might have CF or Downs Syndrome does not change that or the love we feel for this child.” I knew then that it was the right decision for us to leave that up to God. After losing two confirmed pregnancies and possibly several others, we no longer even prayed for a “healthy” child, we prayed for the child God wanted us to have.

For many people prenatal testing is an insurance policy. A *just in case.* But it is also used widely by the March of Dimes and others to prevent birth defects by using abortion. This hit home in my most recent pregnancy which I am scheduled to deliver in 17 days. At four months my son was discovered to have chorionic cysts on his brain, an indicator of Trisomy 18. They also told me that his heart was not developing properly. I asked, knowing in my heart I couldn’t not have him, if the heart condition was incompatible to life. She said no. As it turned out the reason they thought my son had a problem with his heart was an inexperienced ultrasound tech could not get an accurate measurement. When a more experienced tech came in, it was confirmed his heart measured normally. And those cysts, turned out to be nothing and went away on their own. That experience was terrifying knowing there was nothing I could do to protect my child. I am blessed to have my faith and strength in conviction that every life is valuable. I could not imagine someone else not having those convictions and faith being told that information and the thoughts that might go through their heads.

I do not believe the answer is to eliminate all testing, but better education as to the results before the test is administered. I have heard of so many false positives on the triple scan tests, how many babies are being aborted by married, educated, well-off couples who actually have nothing wrong with them?

I think a little honesty about pro-life people facing the temptation of abortion is helpful, because it shows that they really do empathize what women go through when they think they have to get abortions.

Really, most women get abortions because they think they have no choice, not because they do.

I was raised by atheists who expected me to have sex as a teenager, expected me to use birth control and expected me to have an abortion when/if that birth control failed. I was actively taught how “lucky” I was to have the option of abortion.

I held off for sex until I was in college and I did not get pregnant until right around graduation. At that time, my boyfriend had just broken up with me and I was starting a new job in a very competitive industry, where mothers are few and far between (let alone single mothers!) because it was literally 60 hour work weeks just to get your career going.

My ex-boyfriend reasoned with me that I really didn’t have a choice. He wasn’t going to help me, my family wasn’t going to help me, and I’d be out of a job after spending a lot of money to get very specific training that didn’t apply to other jobs, with stacks and stacks of student loans to pay back.

I got an abortion because I didn’t think I had any other choice. It was what I was supposed to do. It was the only way.

I regretted it before it even happened, even though I didn’t think it was a baby and even though I didn’t believe in God or the concept of sin. But I kept telling myself, there wasn’t anything else I could have done.

It has been difficult to work through the guilt and the pain, particularly after I did become a Christian.

Many years later, I married and had difficulty conceiving a child with my husband. When I had my first living child, I lived in fear that God would take my baby away, the way He had taken David and Bathsheba’s child away because of their sin. You want to talk helicopter mothering—I was a case study.

We didn’t think we’d ever conceive another child. And then somehow, I got pregnant. We weren’t Catholic yet, but we were doing NFP, and I really shouldn’t have ovulated that early, but I did. I didn’t know how to tell my husband, because he had said he didn’t want more. And when I did tell him, my marriage almost fell apart. He was convinced I had lied to him and gotten pregnant on the sly. He didn’t believe me or trust me—he didn’t even look me in the eye for four whole weeks.

So I made up my mind to get an abortion. We hadn’t told anybody I was expecting yet. I thought my marriage was over…I had no heart to continue the pregnancy. This time, I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was a horrible sin to kill my baby, but again, I thought I had no choice.

So I told my husband I would take care of it and he didn’t have to think about it any more. And he came around and asked me not to get the abortion. And eventually, he saw that I had not tried to trick him, and that I’d been honest with him and was just as surprised as he was about the baby.

So we had her. And she’s beautiful. And I often look at her and think—how horrible would it have been for me to abort her? And how close I came…

We cannot end abortion in this country until we TRULY understand what women are going through when they walk into those clinics. We can’t save their babies until we can show them that we get it—we see what they think is insurmountable obstacles, and we know how to help them get through it. We can’t go in with a “rise above it” mindset—we have to go in and be willing to stand shoulder-to-shoulder and give any amount of help so that they will have their babies.

Great post!

It takes courage to be pro-life. And courage doesn’t mean never being afraid…but rather, acting according to one’s beliefs in spite of having fear.

I think Palin’s admission gives the world a glimpse into the heart of a courageous woman. She acknowledged her fear and temptation…Then she moved on and did the right thing. Praise God!

I love that no matter what Crazy Palin does, you stand by her.  That is true dedication!  But, if a democrat slips or missteps or blunders his/her words you jump all over them.  You people are ridiculous!

AnonnyHEyNonny
Thank you for your honesty and prayers for your continued healing and consolation.  It was a friend’s description of her feeling trapped prior to her abortion that led me to become involved in pro-life work.  I never want another woman to resort to abortion due to feeling that way.  While I no longer work in our local CPC my husband and I do support it in many ways.  People don’t have to be frontline to help - doing the behind the scenes stuff frees up others to do the direct work without distraction.  Offer your local center your prayer ,$$, and talents.  They may well need people who can help their clients in unusual ways such as car repair, GED or other tutoring, budgeting help, parenting advice etc..etc…etc as well as behind the scenes office work and mailings.
The director of our local center says we must be prepared to meet any need, even if it seems trivial to us.  Our standing behind the promise of help for her, not just baby, must be true.  And come the day when abortion becomes illegal the need will be even greater.

Anonymous, please tell me how having a moment of weakness and then deciding to keep your baby is a “misstep.”? It’s not like they caught her making fun of the Special Olympics or anything crazy like that!

There is a great article on Catholic Exchange this morning about this same issue. It’s titled “I was a pregnant college student.” It’s worth the read.

Anonymous - Catholics stand by all people who are open to admitting their mistakes, missteps, and humanness.  The Church is open to sinners and all those wanting to live for Christ, no matter how imperfectly that may be.

I would never consider an abortion - but I am well aware of the many circumstances which cause women to have them or think seriously of them.  I stood by as a pre-teen, when a childhood friend was forced by her mother to have an abortion - and I live with that guilt, I should have done more…

Anonymous,
Abortion is not a partisan, political issue…it is a moral issue, the greatest human rights issue of our time.  Sadly, I think pro-lifers have relied too heavily on the Republican party to save us from the evil of abortion.  No doubt there are committed pro-lifers within both the Republican & the Democratic parties—but when you look at the party platforms, the Dems do “officially” align themselves with a pro-abortion rights stance.  Personally, I am an Independent & think it is time to get rid of the two-party system.

Anonymous-

I don’t consider a frank confession of struggle to be a “blunder”. Palin’s admission of the temptation to free herself from a challenge certainly typifies the struggle that women face everyday…And highlights the need for compassion and the need for a community that supports women and babies in need.

If Democrats have a problem with that, it’s just one more reason not to ally oneself with them.

If Pail were a Democrat, my response to her recent words would be identical. I would honor courage wherever it manifests.

I do not support Palin politically and never have. I do however support her Pro-Life stance and life style. Admitting her temptation only shows that this is a thought out stance and she is a thoughtful individual looking at all of her options. Jesus was tempted in the desert; it is ludicrous to assume that we will get through this life without temptation. When we claim to be above all temptation non-believers see our claim as ridiculous and therefore also our faith.

Some good food for thought here. 

I do not support criminalizing abortion.  But I also am not comfortable with talk about “rights” and “choice” when dealing with this issue.  I think we need to work toward making the world a place where children can be born, can be welcomed and loved and raised in security and peace.  I think we agree on the end result, we just may disagree how we get there.

After reading some of these wonderful and honest posts, I think working on abstinence with our kids could diminish many of the reasons women are tempted to abort.  I know this wasn’t the case with Sarah Palin, but so many women become pregnant while single and feel they have no option.  Why can’t we teach out children that God’s plan of sexual intimacy in marriage only is the BEST way to go.  I think we as a Catholic community need to work a little harder on that angle, even if society laughs at us.
God be with every woman today who is tempted to abort.

Pastorjoelle,
Technically, abortion would be re-criminalized (versus criminalized) since, historically, killing the child in the womb was a crime.  You are correct, tossing around euphemisms like “rights” & “choice” is an attempt to obscure the awful reality behind every abortion.  Truly, women DO deserve better than abortion—and the only solution is to LOVE THEM BOTH, mother & child.

I was at the Right to Life Banquet where she said this.  It felt very honest and touching to have Sarah Palin admit to being human. She really stressed how much her faith has supported her in her journey so far.

I love this post.  It really calls me to think about how active I really am with the prolife movement and how far I can be stretched.  The examples you provided are interesting.  Sarah Palin definitely showed her honesty and her humanness.  I respect her honesty and overall committment to life.  I also appreciate your honesty regarding the girl in college.  I would have felt the same way until the monk made it very clear the call was to support any which was possible.  Makes sense!

I am curious. Do women who feel that they have no choice but abortion ever think about adoption? Do these women know that pregnancy help centers are out there? I am wondering. Do adoption agencies or pregnancy help centers need to advertise better? Is there a reason why women who feel trapped might not consider adoption to be an option? Or at least trying a pregnancy center? I can understand why these women are scared and feel betrayed when those closest to them will not help. I am married, and I still get scared at moments during pregnancy! I am just wondering if anyone has insight on this. Thanks!

Back in the 80s my mom found out that she was pregnant with my youngest brother.  She was 38 at the time.  She made the comment to me that other women at her age would have an abortion.  I was 15 at the time and totally floored at the comment.  My other brother and sister were 11 and 9.  She was teaching high school math with a schedule that she had worked long and hard for. 

My mom knew abortion was legal.  She chose to not entertain the thought.

I don’t think that it is hypocritical, I do think her comments about how being out of town and no one knowing her shows the shame that still goes with it.  Why do you think that so many pro-choice women are so defensive when you talk to them about it?  There is still shame.

TCMom,
Having worked in a CPC I’d say more advertising is definitely needed but also not nearly enough.  You have to understand that many of the girls/women deny the personhood of the child they’re carrying and will readily say “I could never give up a child for adoption”.  They fail to see the irony that they are giving up a child, but to death, not to a chance at life with other parents.  ANother factor is that many are younger and fear their parents finding out that they’re both sexually active and pregnant.  Abortion clinics do not tell these girls that help is available at CPC’s and definitely don’t go into the wide range of assisitance they provide.  Still others don’t want to be troubled with going through a pregnancy and it’s effects on their job and/or body.  Others fear financial ramifications if they are unaware of the programs available to help.

Denise M,
I think the fact that shame is so widespread about abortion belies the fact that people know at their core, even if they deny it, that abortion is wrong and it does take a child’s life.

I am very disappointed in this article. Sarah was honest. She made the right choice. She stands up for life. Give the poor woman a break.

Patty,
I think you may have misread Danielle’s intent.  I got the impression she was saying that Sarah saying that abortion crossed her mind doesn’t negate her pro-life stance, it just shows how very tempting abortion can seem in less than ideal situations.  It highlights just how much work remains to be done on the societal and moral fronts and opens up avenues for discussion when we humanize those who face these situations.

Danielle wrote:  “Who among us has not been briefly tempted, especially under difficult circumstances, to act in ways that contradict even heart-felt beliefs?”

This reminded me of when I was heavily pregnant with my 8th baby, my oldest was 11, my legs were swollen with the painful varicose veins I deal with during pregnancy, we home school (meaning little down time for the mom), and I was finding life very difficult.  Though I am well formed in the faith and love and embrace the moral teachings of the Church, I called a good Catholic friend and asked her to convince me why I shouldn’t have my tubes tied after that pregnancy.  Good friend that she was, she didn’t attack me but gave me a listening ear, helped ease my misery with her kind words, and encouraged me to fight the good fight and hold on to the faith. 

I think that we can all feel backed into a corner sometimes, especially if we ARE being faithful to the Church’s teachings - it’s not easy.  I agree with Danielle that Sarah Palin is sincere in her pro-life stance, but that she’s human too.  Our faith becomes more real when it’s tested and tried, and when we make the right choice like Sarah Palin did, our faith becomes stronger.

I admire Sarah Palin for her honesty.  She has faced a lot of negative press and still has lived a pro-life position. 

I admire her greatly.

Good post, Danielle!

TCMom asked some good questions about women who feel that abortion is their only option, so I thought I should answer, because that was the situation I was in.

>>>Do women who feel that they have no choice but abortion ever think about adoption?<<<

When I got pregnant in college, I did consider adoption briefly, but I believed that just being pregnant would have harmed and possibly ended the career I had worked so hard for…and I had been trained pretty much my whole life to consider abortion the first and best option.

>>> Do these women know that pregnancy help centers are out there? <<<

I knew of NO pregnancy help center in the city where I lived at the time. I only knew about Planned Parenthood…and they certainly didn’t suggest either parenting or adoption as options for me. I called, said I had a positive pregnancy test and needed to schedule an abortion, they did so, and then I showed up. I received about 10 minutes of counseling, and none of it included any discussion about parenting, adoption, or exactly WHAT I was aborting. I had been taught since 4th grade that it would just be a clump of cells, and that’s what I believed. I did not believe I was killing a human life, and I didn’t believe in God or that there was such a thing as sin.

>>>Do adoption agencies or pregnancy help centers need to advertise better? <<<

Maybe, but how many serious decisions do YOU make based on an advertisement? Certainly, there needs to be ongoing advertisements so that women know the option is there, but when a woman is in crisis, no ad or billboard is going to do the trick. She needs human support—extraordinary, extravagant human support.

>>>Is there a reason why women who feel trapped might not consider adoption to be an option? Or at least trying a pregnancy center?<<<

Only about 100 of them. Depends on the woman.

In my case, I had absolutely NOBODY telling me that I could have that baby. I had NOBODY telling me that I could put the baby up for adoption. My parents were dead end—they would have encouraged abortion (my mom even suggested I abort my last baby because she thought I was “too old.”). I never told them. My ex-boyfriend was not only pushing for it, he was insisting on it and paying for it and driving me to it and even pretended to get back together with me so that he could be sure I’d do it. Most of my college friends had moved away at graduation, but even if they had stayed, I don’t think one of them would have told me to have the baby. And, of course, there was the pressure of my career.

There were no pro-life people standing outside the clinic on the day I went. I have wondered from time to time if a person out there would have made the difference. Maybe. I remember distinctly lying on the table before the procedure began and wishing desperately that I could jump up and run away, but I knew I had no place to go for help.

At the abortion clinic in the city I live in now, the pro-life workers do, from time to time, have a woman literally fleeing the clinic and running right up to them for help. The clinic is in a residential neighborhood, and our pro-life organization was able to purchase the house right next door. On the days the clinic is doing abortions, there are always people at the pro-life house, praying, and always trained counselors ready to help any woman who has a change of heart. They also comfort partners and family members who often have been trying to talk the woman out of abortion right up to the gates of the clinic.

It’s hard to help a woman who has been taught her whole life that abortion is her ticket to freedom, her “do-over.” But that’s not the only kind of women who seek abortion. Our pro-life team has had plenty of women who were raised in pro-life families, who know abortion is wrong but feel they have to.

As Frederica Matthews-Greene wrote,  these women choose abortion “...the way an animal caught in a trap chooses to gnaw off its own leg.”

This is a response for TCMom, who asked for insight as to why adoption and crisis pregnancy centers aren’t more utilized.  Having been in this situation, I can tell you that the crisis pregnancy center and adoption resources couldn’t relate to me AT ALL. 

I was not in financial or material need (I had a degree and had a good job at a Fortune 100 company) so much as I was in need of a listening ear.  When they first met me, they were ready to talk me out of abortion—so when I said I was definitely not going to have an abortion, that threw them off of their usual mode of operation.  They couldn’t get their arms around the fact that I was a woman with a faith life who had a sense of morality, but who was also single and pregnant. 

If I mentioned that I was considering adoption, they were ready to help me with the logistics of that whole process.  But they were a little too excited about it, like I was providing some sort of valuable commodity to for a desperate couple—“this is so wonderful, it’s so hard for you but so good for the baby, these people will give your baby everything you can’t, you are being so selfless, blah blah blah…”  These are things I knew already.  I really felt like they weren’t looking at me as an intelligent person.

I really was struggling, and I mean I REALLY struggled, with the choice between me raising the baby as a single mother and giving the baby up for adoption.  No one seemed equipped to even discuss this with me.  Every one of them said (obviously paraphrasing here), “Well, that’s a decision you’ll have to make.  But… when you’re done making that decision, you come on back and we’ll jump all over that adoption.  Or, of course, if you decide to raise the baby yourself… we can provide you with diapers and a crib and whatever else you’ll need along with whatever the welfare check won’t cover.  But just so you know, we REALLY think adoption is so selfless and great and these couples REALLY want a baby.”  It made me very cynical. 

Most places I went for help were very condescending or overly religiously moralistic (again, like they were helping me, Mary Magdalen, rise out of the gutter).  And very much chomping at the bit to get that baby into the arms of a couple desperate for a baby.  Not what I needed at all.

I can tell you that I finally met with a lawyer who did a lot of adoption work so that I could get a clear, more clinical explanation of what the steps were for adoption.  Most of all, I wanted to see what was different about those open adoptions that everyone kept touting as the “Best of both worlds.”  I learned that they were not as great as everyone seemed to be pushing—they were not legally binding and completely at the descretion of the adoptive family, and as far as having a relationship with the child at all, you generally weren’t going to have much of one beyond the fact that the kid would know who you were.  She was very helpful in giving me the facts.  She also told me how the actual reliquishing of the baby would typically happen after I gave birth.  She even gave me some of those profiles that adoptive couples put together to give to birth mothers to help them “hand pick” who their baby goes to (In the words of crisis pregnancy workers, “You can even hand pick…! Best of both worlds!  Open adoption!  It’s all good!”)

Honestly, I finally found someone who was able to relate to me through my sister, who knew this church counselor, who helped me understand that mothering my own child is a natural and good thing that God would be okay with.  It still brings tears to my eyes, almost twelve years later.  I was truly struggling with the fact that God wanted me to pay for my mistake and all of my shortcomings by giving my baby up for adoption.  I also had a lot of guilt feelings about the fact that this child would not have the ideal parenting/home situation, which for me, someone very prideful and into success and appearances, was a big hurdle to get over (just think about how as a new parent, you REALLY want to do things just right with your first few kids, before you come to the realization that as a parent you can’t control all of it anyway.)

Something else she said that sticks with me, was that logistically and physically, raising a child is toughest for the first five years, which isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things.  No one really ever pointed that out to me.  All of the crisis centers focused on those first few months and I couldn’t get a good handle on the long term ramifications. 

I could go on and on.  I’m sorry for rambling.  I just know that I was completely disappointed in the quality of help these places provided.  I now am married and have five kids (yes, I ended up keeping the baby and my husband eventually adopted her.)  Hope this helps.

Holly,
What you have written is something that could be of so much use to people who do work in crisis pregnancy centers.  While your situation isn’t the norm of those who are served by the centers you most certainly not the only person who has seen shortcomings in how peoples’ needs are met (or not).  If you don’t mind, I’d like to forward your comments to the director of the center in my town and would encourage others to share this with other centers in their areas.  We need to know where we may be coming up short so that we can better help.

Maureen, please do share it with them.  Like I said, I could go on and on about my experience.  I wonder if people in my situation do not seek the help of pregnancy centers because they know that it will result in the same experience I had.  Because I had grown up active in the pro-life movement, I was determined to use the resources that pro-lifers provide. 

As AnonyHeyNonny pointed out, the support is just not there for this demographic of pregnant women, and they never get to the crisis pregnancy centers in the first place.  The “do-over” option of abortion is so tempting because the pregnancy itself is a public display of a mistake and very humiliating.  Hope this helps.

Holly,
Thank you.  I sent your commentary as well as a link to the entire discussion onto our local and another nearby CPC asking them to read your perspectives and to share it with their workers.  Hopefully we can use your words to help others.

AnonyHeyNonny and Holly and Maureen,

Thanks for sharing! I did not want to say that women should be pressured into feeling that they should adopt out…I guess I was really wondering if there are women who are aborting because they do not want to raise the child…I am assuming that not all employers would fire an employee if they knew she was not going to keep the baby after birth? And hopefully, our society has not sunk so low that there are employers who would not fire even if she kept the child. Obviously, every woman’s situation is a little different because of many factors.

Maybe this is why it is difficult for PCCs (pregnancy care centers) to relate adequately to each woman? I think that women ultimately feel betrayed by the existence of the quick fix of abortion. For all those women (and I imagine that more than we will ever know) who really struggle with the pending abortion and who really do not want one but feel no other “choice” feel betrayed by society that the “choice” of abortion even exists. There must be some feeling of: “come on, why does society love me as long as I am not pregnant or caring for a baby? Why does it seem like this? I do not have a disease! Why do people not want to render support for keeping a child…and will only support an abortion…?”

I have a friend who was impregnated by rape (she knew the man). She never seriously considered abortion…she had already completed a returning home to the Church. She was, however, pressured to adopt the child out. I remember her being frustrated with these people. I was also surprised with the boldness of some of their comments! I was not married with children, yet, but I did have an understanding of why she would want to feel she had the “right” to keep her child and be supported in that…even by Catholics! It seemed that people were happy she would not abort, but surprised she would not adopt. She did not have a college degree (she was attempting one at the college we attended together) and would not be able to receive much financial or emotional support from her family (they had numerous problems of their own). The implication was that her son would have a better life with someone else. Now, that hurts a mother’s heart. The best thing I could do was just be her friend. I could not help her materially much, though she is a pretty determined and self-sufficient gal. There is a lot more that goes into her story…as we established before, every case is a little different.

So, when is it okay to suggest or urge adoption? I think that some of these PCC volunteers push for it as a knee jerk reaction. I think they want the woman to feel that she will have all her bases covered…she does not have to keep the baby, if that is her “issue” or they can support her if she does, if that is her “issue”. I think they are afraid that the woman will ultimately abort if they do not stress the adoption option enough. I mean, sure the PCCs can give material aid galore and the state can provide health insurance and free food, but that does not provide what really is also needed…supportive people around you. So the PCC worker might worry that she might abort if she does not know that she does not have to raise the child.

Obviously, the presentation of the adoption suggestion is important. Pro-life work is so difficult because it must be personal. I would think that a volunteer would have to clean the slate with every woman she talked to and talk to them as if they are the only pregnant woman they talked to that day. Not all PCC volunteers do this, I presume. I am sure better training would help this? It would also help to explain the adoption process…instead of just throwing it out there. It seems that a woman would find the personal care a PCC potentially could offer her more appealing to the cold “care” of PP! I will pray for wisdom and strength for PCC volunteers today.

Undoubtedly, the promoters of “safe sex” knew that abortion would be the next goal. A society that thrives on freedom to sex whenever one wants, would not want that “freedom” to be thwarted by the existence of children to be responsible for! Something had to be done about the “mistakes” that would inevitably occur. But I do not need to preach to the choir.

A big topic. Thanks for responding! The thought occurred to me and I thought I would ask. I would like to be more involved at our local PCC and will have to pray about it. I am preggo with our 3rd baby…and we have not reached our 4th wedding anniversary yet! :D I am trying to discuss the topic with all charity…that is the only way it should be addressed!

Haha, I see that several of you posted as I wrote mine! I am happy to see that you were able to be an inspiration! God bless!

Thanks for your post, Holly. After having two children myself, I’ve come to believe that the best thing in the vast majority of cases is for mothers and babies to stay together, even if the mother is poor, single, a teenager, etc. Unless the mother is abusive, on drugs, etc., no mother should ever be forced or even subtly pressured to give up her baby for adoption. That’s a horrible thing to do to a mother. I do believe that premarital sex is wrong and that the best thing is for a child to have two parents, but people make mistakes and we just need to make the best of these situations. The best and most natural way is for mother and baby to be together, even if it’s not the ideal circumstance. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving up a baby for adoption, and it may be the best decision for some people. But in the absence of abuse, absolutely every effort should be made to keep mother and baby together.

TCMom,
Thank you for posing those questions.  I think this discussion needs to take place because there is definitely a disconnect somewhere along the line in the type of help that some pregnant women receive from PCC’s.  You are right: it is so personal, each pregnant person’s story…

Such a highly charged issue.  May God bless all of you who work in this area.

Sarahndipity,
I have to take issue with some of what you’ve written.  I agree that no person should ever be coerced, even subtly, to place their child for adoption…but they should also not be pressured to parent if it is not what they believe is best for them and their child.  There is nothing second rate about the bonds in an adoptive family, just as the bonds between a husband and wife are not second rate compared to that between biologically related family members.  We need to work to alleviate the guilt and pain that birthparents often feel, not contribute to it.

Maureen, I agree.  But I will go further and say that all other things being equal, it is better for a child to have two married parents if at all possible.  This is the family structure that God intended.  So unless the single mom is intending on marrying soon (which is probably not the case with teenage moms), she should consider giving the baby to a two-parent family.  It is about what is best for the baby.

MM,
Right there with you.

Back for more…

>>>I guess I was really wondering if there are women who are aborting because they do not want to raise the child…<<<

Yes, but I would say more of them are aborting because they think they can’t and they know (or believe) they won’t get help from the baby’s father and from their own families.

>>>I am assuming that not all employers would fire an employee if they knew she was not going to keep the baby after birth?<<<

In my case, it wasn’t the fear of getting fired for putting up a baby for adoption. It was more the fact that I very publicly was showing my lack of discretion, foresight, self-worth, etc., etc., etc. that would make me look like a less than promising employee to my new bosses. And I don’t think many people realize how hard it is to carry a baby for 9 months, have all these people—strangers—commenting on your very public pregnancy, but not be keeping the baby.

Think about it—every time you see a pregnant woman, you assume she’s going to parent the baby, right? Have you ever once looked at a pregnant woman and assumed she would be relinquishing the baby for adoption?

The assumption in our society is that a woman who carries the baby, wants the baby. The assumption in our society is that women who give up their babies for adoption are actually teens or maybe college students. A grown woman with a career, a home and a car of her own? Adoption just isn’t the expected choice.

Not that it isn’t a good choice—it’s just a very hard choice to make for women in that situation. I believe it’s actually harder for them to choose to carry the baby and listen to all the congratulations during pregnancy and then give up the baby, than it is to abort. Crisis pregnancy centers are notorious for not getting that choosing to relinquish the baby is far harder than choosing to parent solo.

>>>>And hopefully, our society has not sunk so low that there are employers who would not fire even if she kept the child. <<<<

Yeah, well, in my industry, there are hardly any MARRIED mothers who have more than one child. Women usually quit when they have their second, because the job is too demanding to be successful at both one’s career and at mothering. And I’ve never once met a single woman in this industry who was single by choice. I’ve known two who were abandoned by their husbands, and one quit the industry because it was too demanding. The other quickly remarried.

>>>I think that women ultimately feel betrayed by the existence of the quick fix of abortion…<<<

I agree.

>>>So, when is it okay to suggest or urge adoption?<<<

I think it’s only appropriate when there is literally no other way. Mind you, I am a BIG fan of adoption! There are many adopted children in my family and in my husband’s, including him and his siblings. I think adoption is a great, great thing. But adoption really wounds birth mothers, and those poor ladies who have sacrificed so much rarely get the help they really need. They grieve, but they are told they aren’t allowed to grieve. They are told they must be happy their child is in such a great home. It’s really not unlike how post-abortive women are not allowed to grieve.

I think the best thing that PCC workers can do would be to strive to find a way to help the woman parent first and foremost, unless she insists that she wants to relinquish. And then if it all adds up to that woman not being able to parent, adoption is the next avenue to explore. I can think of a handful of cases when it seems like it’s the only way—an intellectually challenged woman, for example, or a very young teen who doesn’t have family supporting her. Sometimes the rape victim fears recognizing her attacker in her child’s appearance, and that might be a situation when it’s necessary. If there is drug abuse or if the baby’s father is violent, adoption is probably the best way to protect the child. That sort of thing.

It seems to me that adoption should not be approached with a “quick fix” mentality either. It is hard to make a blanket statement as to who should adopt their baby out. There are some obvious situations where the state will intervene and place children in foster homes.

All I can say is that my friend is painfully aware that the ideal situation for mother and child is to exist together in a family with a husband. I think what bothered her was that not only was the pregnancy forced on her in the first place, but now, suddenly, she was facing pressure to not keep this unplanned child. The problem is that in the meantime she had become a MOTHER. That bond is irreplaceable and should be kept in mind when a pregnant woman is at a PCC. Being a mother changes everything and everything becomes complicated after that. Each case would best be judged on an individual basis with the total involvement of the mother. It probably takes a lot of prudence and prayer to work at a PCC. Not an easy job! I also am in total support of adoption agencies. It is just a big topic…I don’t think even I was thinking really how big it is when I brought it up!

It is amazing. We have a country with legalized abortion “protected” by law. The states still put a lot of time and money into keeping track and supporting those single and/or low income mothers out there (I fall into the low income bracket, ha). They offer health insurance, food assistance, and more. And yes, they keep track of you. I think it is their way of keeping an eye out for abusive situations. Unfortunately, the state, these days, serves as not much more than a band-aid. The state will not encourage young people or even adults that abstinence is best for them. How about teaching women to be more discerning with their partners? I grew up in a smaller town but went to college near a large city. I was around various races and cultures that I simply did not see much growing up. One thing that amazed me was the sheer commonality for women of a particular race to have multiple children (and who knows how many abortions) by multiple fathers…moving from one man to another. And they often named their sons after the dad (at least some of them I met). A good dose of real and true “feminist” mentalities would help our society a great deal. But alas.
I guess it comes back to the majority of us striving to convert the world one soul at a time, huh?

Just wanted to say Thanks to Kristen for her post on carry a potentially disabled child and add my thoughts from current experience.
People should know that during all that testing that medical establishment can be pretty cold. In my experience -especially the so-called genetical counselors.

I think a lot could be done to educate families about living with disabilities. Jonette Benkovic did a beautiful show about carrying a child who is expected not to live long after birth. I wish there’d be more to reach pregnant moms faced with a disabled child.
The genetic counselors I encountered don’t take a position on whether you should continue your pregnancy, which pretty much feels as if you should abort. So you are left very, very poorly informed about the disabilities you MAY be facing in your child. And the tests (except for amnio - not an option for me) - as everyone tells you - aren’t 100 percent. I just felt as if I was being pushed for more and more tests.

When I got the news about my chances of having a baby with Down’s I was beside myself - and that’s with the witness of four families in my parish- two of whom have children as altar servers and another whom I taught in CCD.
I can’t say I thought about abortion but what I desperately wanted was to know how to get on the other side of it all. I didn’t want optimistic thoughts or the kind of hope that says it be ok if I just believe, or cheery stories of adorable Down’s kids, or prayers for a “normal” child or a miracle (in fact, I was put off by online stories of moms saying they prayed for and got a miracle, non-disabled child. )  Maybe I wanted to come to acceptance. I know I needed information.
My husband (grace of marriage, I’m sure) pretty much talked me out of further genetic testing. He had a strange way of doing it but it worked.
And then I found a neat fact online (after wading through some much junk) that changed so much for me. The one thing I really looked forward to (at 44 and after 9 years since my last child) was nursing. I know, I’m weird. But I know that Down’s kids sometimes have swallowing problems and long tongues. What I learned was that breast-feeding actually can help a Down’s child strengthen their mouth muscles and can help with speech. Well, then. Maybe I can do this, I thought.

TCMom,
You are so right.  Adoption is not a quick-fix easy decision.  It’s a soul wrenching choice for the birthparents.  Holly is correct in her description of the birthparents’ rights after termination - it’s at the discretion of the adoptive parents so adoptive parents need to be completely honest about their intentions on the level of contact they’re comfortable with (despite the fact that it may limit the number of birthparents who will consider them).  That’s why I believe it is imperative for honest, realistic and non-leading information be given when a choice about parenting vs placement is being made.  It’s also important for prospective adoptive couples to hear first hand from those who have placed the ongoing difficult emotions they experience even when they have no doubt that they made the right decision for their child.  I believe that adoption is not only a legal action but also a covenantal relationship among all members that should primarily seek to serve and protect the child while also honoring the dignity of all the parents.  (Full diclosure - our family includes both adopted and biological children)

Very thought-provoking comments.  Thanks.

I think part of being pro-life also means being very careful about how we talk about (and to!) women who get pregnant outside of marriage.  Do we blast them for their “loose morals,” or do we send a message of support?  Do we look at an unmarried pregnant woman and think, “Oh, she messed up!” or do we think, “What a courageous woman she is for deciding to give birth to that child, when she could so easily have chosen the opposite?”

When we act in a supportive way to these women, we can truly save lives.

I’m delighted to see this conversation on F&F;!!

I’ve long been a proponent of a holistic approach to being pro-life. My family is VERY anti-abortion, but also VERY judgmental of un-wed mothers.

It’s truly a tragedy - because it’s the fear of being judged that drives many college-aged women to abortions. College campuses, especially Catholic ones, should do everything they can to provide support to pregnant college students.

I went to a Catholic university and know that a pregnant student would get noticed. There needs to be support for these women so they don’t feel as though abortion is the only option if they want to stay on campus. :(

First of all, AMEN, and bravo Danielle for this article, especially the comment near the end about the need to show Christ’s extravagant love and support to pregnant women and young mothers no matter what their circumstances.
I know women who have aborted babies and I know women who have given them up for adoption and I know women who have single mothered their children conceived out of wedlock.  The women who allowed their children to live are the ones who have weathered the psycho emotional storm best, whether they kept the child or gave him up for adoption.  The women who aborted, even when their culpability was lessened because they knew so little and had the deck so profoundly stacked against them are the ones who suffer the most in the aftermath.
In our time, and clearly obviously just from this posting, child bearing and child rearing are a crux point for living a faithful and obedient life in Christ and this is a HUGE arena of need for women.  We need to talk about these things, we need to live heroic charity toward women who are in the reproductive period in their lives-if they are working through NFP issues, balancing married life and homemaking, desperately trying to get to Mass or Bible Study with three little unruly kids in tow, or suffering in a crisis pregnancy- not enough money, no husband, no childcare options or a baby with a health problem etc. -It starts at home with our families, parishes and neighbors- who do I know this week that needs my help- young mother, pregnant girl, older pregnant mother- who needs my help, the help that I alone can offer?

How can I help?  Clean the bathrooms, take a meal, watch the little ones for an hour so she can nap, give her $20, wash, dry, and fold three loads of laundry for her, pray and preach effectively from the sidewalk outside the clinic, return her cart to the cart corral at the store, smile forbearingly at her when her kids are screaming in the checkout line, tell her its worth it to bring them to Mass even when all she gets out of it is a workout, etc., fast and pray for women suffering the aftermath of abortion and say something encouraging to the one who gave up her bay for adoption. 
These random acts of kindness will give women strength to have their babies, have more babies, and avoid sterilization-and when the time comes and we can do more we will have made our souls the fertile field from which to organize and pool our resources and create large scale solutions that take our one to one apostolates to the next level and to change the world and make a difference in this most important battle field in our era.